Hey thanks for the first review. I need constructive criticism, and sorry that the story's not coherent. I'll fix it as soon as possible.

Good premise, bad story WAAAAY too rushed and incoherent. everything is sporadic and on the spot. different pieces just thrown together. spelling and grammar errors galore. get your ideas set straight, and get evrything out in a nice, structured flow. this story has potential, dont ruin it...