|Reviews for Clockwork Dragon|
| deathofaraven 3/11/13 . chapter 2
Hello, there! What you've posted of your story, I've really enjoyed. The idea sounds lovely. I've only got a couple little critiques. The first is that you might want to invest in a grammar/spelling checker. I'm not saying you've got bad grammar, but every story benefits from being run through with a fine-toothed comb. ) The second is that there seems to be more dialouge than story in quite a few places. Again, this is something easily remedied. It helps if you go into more detail...about the location, characters thoughts, appearances, what people are doing...and then just spread them through the chapter accordingly. For instance, even if two people are in a stark white room, facing each other and looking utterly normal...you could still explain their posture, the tone of their voice, all those little tells that make us who we are. Also, I think this was brought up before, but have you considered investing in a beta? Their constant concrit is (usually) very helpful. )
Really enjoying your story and hoping to see you updating soon,
-Rae. (aka Shadow)
| Kay Iscah 1/26/13 . chapter 1
I do love the title, and the city name is intriguing.
There are several grammar issues that need to be addressed, and the verb tense flipped back and forth between present and past. That's a problem.
I think we need more description of Eden, how she looks and what she's wearing. She is our main character after all.
The end of the conversation seems rather abrupt. It might make more sense for Eden to be the one to say she has business with guild master. Otherwise you wonder why Reagan knows her business better than she does. You'd think Reagan would want to keep her around to buy more drinks...
| Lynn K. Hollander 1/3/13 . chapter 1
The thing to remember about semi-colons is they join two independent clauses. 1)The air was stale; rank with wisps of smoke that sailed past the florescent lights and into the shadows above. 2) The sound of music could be heard from a worn out phonograph; as it skipped every so often.
1) -rank with wisps of smoke that sailed past the florescent lights and into the shadows above...- isn't really capable of standing as an independent clause. Try: The air was stale; it was rank with wisps of smoke that sailed past the florescent lights and into the shadows above. OR The air was stale and rank with wisps of smoke that sailed past the florescent lights and into the shadows above.
2) The sound of music could be heard from a worn out phonograph; as it skipped every so often. This is very unfocused. Try: Music could be heard in fits and starts as the record skipped on the worn out phonograph.
This is a sentence fragment: The only reason Eden even comes into the damned place.
'... a mixture of industrial and natural beauty ...' As written, the city has 'industrial beauty..'. Is that what you meant? Or does industry mesh with beauty? Can't tell from the current construction.
"That's good, maybe it's a sing from the gods -how about 'a sign from the gods'?
Eden nodded thought fully -thoughtfully, one word.
she relied confidently -probably 'replied'.
Most of the dialogue tag sentences are incorrect.
With two female characters, take more care in using pronouns. Make sure the reader can tell who the 'she' or 'her' refers to.
Most of the goofs seem to be due to a careless edit.
| Miggles 1/3/13 . chapter 2
Another good chapter, enjoyable to read. :) I did notice some mistakes that make it difficult to read though;
'mirth has a' - I think you mean 'mirth as he'
"Haven't change a bit." - changed
"Like I'd every change may ways now. - missing speech mark and I don't understand the sentence at all :S
Bjorn keeps changing its spelling
'He shrug' - I think you mean shrugged
'Eden wonder what type a person this Laufey was, but decided to form a complete opinion once she meet the out the room key, she open the door.' - ? Ummm...I think you meant the sentence to read something like this; 'Eden wondered what type of person this Laufey was, but decided to form a complete opinion once she met him. She took out the room key and opened the door.'
'place the key' - placed the key
'cheap hotel rooms' - sounds odd, probably needs to be 'cheap hotels'
'this one was split into three sections. The sitting area, open kitchen and bedroom she assumed was just beyond the door to the far right of the a rough hand through her midnight-black hair she walked to the bedroom door.' - again ? It looks like two sentences mashed together or something; 'this one was split into three sections; a sitting area, open kitchen and bedroom. She assumed the latter was just beyond the door to the far right of her. She ran a rough hand through her midnight-black hair she walked to it.'
'But, before' - you don't need the but, just 'Before she could knock'
'The man seems way to tall' - 'The man seemed way too tall'
'she notice' - 'she noticed'
"But, before we get down to business I'd like for you to call me Laufey not Mister." - you don't need the first comma, but do need one after Laufey :)
'have that?' - either no 'that' or say something like 'have that you need me for?'
'folding her arms across her stomach.' - just sounds odd, that's all - normally people fold their arms across their chest, but I can see how you can fold across your stomach too :)
'Peeking her interested' - I think you mean 'Her interest was piqued' unless her interest is looking shyly round a corner :P
'Fair,' - I think you mean 'That's fair' or 'Fair enough'
'not more the a' - 'not more than a'
'detainee' - detain - detainee is the person you detain
'as if her were' - I think you mean 'he', and you need a new paragraph when Eden starts talking again, otherwise it looks like Laufey is still talking :)
'framed prison' - 'famed prison'
'this wouldn't be' - 'this won't be'
'soften a bit' - 'softened a bit'
'her lips spared into a smile.' - 'parted into a smile'
'not accustom to this' - 'not accustomed' or 'unaccustomed'
'if he notice' - 'if he noticed'
'shoots up' - change of tense, should be 'shot up'
"No, It's just a precision and you'll need, certain things you'll not be able to get to without official authorization.' - should read "No, it's just a precaution and you'll need certain things you'll not be able to get to without official authorization."
'catch but,' - 'catch, but'
'my why' - 'my way'
"Of course, Eden as long as you get results," - "Of course Eden, as long as you get results."
"Trust me you'll be having your inmate be for the end of the week." - "Trust me, you'll be having your inmate before the end of the week."
Apart from that, and I know I'm being very picky, very well-written and interesing. :) Looking forwards to an update. :D
| Miggles 12/30/12 . chapter 1
Really good so far - can't wait to read the next chapter - but hopefully it'll be a bit longer! :) There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but the main ones I picked out were;
'The sounds of music' - sounds a little vague
'other assortment of people.' - doesn't really make sense; either say assortment first, then give the examples, or give the examples then say something like plus an assortment of others. :)
'past glower' - I don't understand this at all - do you mean glory?
Apart from that, I think it's very well written and I'm looking forwards to the next. :D