This story looks very promising! I do hope you continue :)

OMG The cover picture is of Misa and Usui. Haha I loved the anime/manga. They are sooo cute together. Oh sorry for getting off topic. But for your first original story it's really good. You are very descriptive (which is good since some writers don't give up too much descriptions which make the story boring.) I like the idea, and you better continue this story. Ahhh but since I'm just a guest, I'll just have to keep an extra eye around.

It's an interesting story, but there are some presentation problems. You've erratically capitalized/punctuated sentences. Here: -"Karen, why are you wearing that dress?"- you correctly set off direct address with a comma. Here -"Have you seen your children lately Mother!- and here - "Well mother," Karen started, fearful of her mother's reaction, "It's my sixteenth birthday." you don't. More correctly -"Have you seen your children lately(COMMA), Mother!- and here - "Well(COMMA), mother," Karen started, fearful of her mother's reaction, "It's my sixteenth birthday."
In that last example -"Well mother," Karen started, fearful of her mother's reaction, "It's my sixteenth birthday." - and here -"Mother," Karen said softly, resting her hand on her mother's shuddering shoulder, "You know that girls get the most money on the day of their sixteenth birthday. Now, I'm going to be late if I don't leave now. I love you mother. I will direct the payments to you today." - you have a dialogue sentence surrounding the tag. Both these examples are ONE sentence, so watch the capitalization. "Well, Mother," Karen started, fearful of her mother's reaction, "it's my sixteenth birthday." - and -"Mother," Karen said softly, resting her hand on her mother's shuddering shoulder, "you know that girls get the most money on the day of their sixteenth birthday. Now, I'm going to be late if I don't leave now. I love you, Mother. I will direct the payments to you today."

I like it! I think you should definitely continue!