|Reviews for Vulpeculae|
| Aspenwood 1/7/13 . chapter 1
The synopsis at the beginning feels unnecessary. I was intrigued enough by what you had in the short blurb to want to read your story. The extended synopsis gets my hopes up, yes, but not really in a good way. It almost gives away too much as compared to the short blurb. It comes off as a plot dump before I've even made it to the actual plot. Every single thing you revealed in the synopsis could be folded into the story and nothing would be lost. Dare I say the effect would be stronger because I know enough about the characters and the world to be curious about why the children are seeing fox faces and things like that. Axe the extended synopsis and work me into your world nice and slowly.
The very first paragraph is centered. Is there a reason for this? It doesn't seem any more special than the paragraph following it. I'd say left justify it. The handful of paragraphs that follow it are great. Your first-person narration here is superb. Even before I'm introduced to this character, I know enough about her that I want to know more. She's mute! That explains the first-person narration. I love it. Going into the mind of a mute person isn't something I've seen before. She's got a bite to her that I hope persists through the length of the story.
And now a gripe: Eileen is mute, yes? Then why break that notion not a few lines below that revelation by having her signal? Maybe I should explain that. Nohlin is her brother. Eileen is mute. If I've gathered things right, they're children. Children can pick up on things very quickly. If Eileen's been mute all her life, then why not have a facial expression convey her feelings for the entirety of their exchange? It doesn't have to be all the time, I know that would be incredibly difficult, but here it would have been absolutely perfect. It would show that Nohlin can read his sister like no one else can. It would bolster his introduction while reinforcing Eileen's muteness in a subtle way.
You've chosen a challenging point-of-view for your story, something I can't help but applaud. You've got a nice, measured pace here as well, fitting for someone without the ability to talk. Slow, thoughtful consideration permeates this story, pulling me into Eileen's mind. I like it. Keep it up.