|Reviews for The Way of the Samurai|
| Guest 1/18/13 . chapter 3
You don't need to split up your chapters if each one is so short. Three hundred words isn't even the typical length for one segment of a children's chapter book, yet you've carved it into three chapters. You need to write more and split up your viewpoints if you switch to a different set of characters in a single chapter.
Your grammar, spelling and punctuation are atrocious. I can't tell if English is your second language or if you're simply bad at it, but either way you need to work harder and get yourself a beta. If you're still in some type of school you should consider asking for a tutor of some kind.
The beginning chapter is extremely awkward and the conversation sounds hackneyed and fake. Theresi manages to look batshit insane rather than cool and removed, especially towards the end when he spews that line about a samurai having the instincts of a wolf, the beauty of a butterfly and the strength of a bear. Who the hell wants to be a pretty hulk-man who pisses on trees to mark his territory? Furthermore, why is an ideal like beauty relevant to a profession where your goal is to kill people who disagree with your specific loyalties? I would imagine that a samurai would value loyalty over instinct, wisdom over beauty and honor over strength. Of course strength is valuable, but if you know anything about Japan, you'll know that there were far more strong men who took blades to their bellies willingly over some minor offense to their lord of choice. Honor was considered to be more important than a man's life, which is an intense ideal to commit to when it's your job.
I think you need to read up on actual Japanese history for a while. Even if your story is set in some alternate fantasy universe, if you're going to use the name "samurai" you'd better be well versed in how the real samurai lived and died. Aside from shedding light on things you probably don't know, applying historical truths to fiction can make your work more realistic and likable to the reader. I mean, it's easy to write about an evil empire or an evil Shogun and just use the excuse "it's fantasy!" to not try harder, but if you actually went the extra mile and researched what it takes to build an empire or become a Shogunate, you would realize that the world isn't so black and white. Politics play a huge role in any sort of advanced civilization, and where there are politics there are schemes by people who are driven by greed, and thus conflict.
Lastly, work on your names. Satuski looks like a corruption of Satsuki, which is a female Japanese name, and Theresi reminds me of Theresa. The word "ronin" is never capitalized, whereas it should be "Shogun" instead of "Shogan". Araka sounds all right, though it seems like it would be more of a first name than a last name. If this is more of a Japanese-influenced story, everyone would be referred to by their last names. First names are for informal friendships, family, etc.
| Gorilla0132 1/10/13 . chapter 2
[Alarga ripped his sword out of it's sheath.] i think you mean "out of its scabbard."
You should really consider getting a Beta Reader. Also, try to add more imagery and descriptions of characters and locations to held the reader understand what's going on.
| Gorilla0132 1/6/13 . chapter 1
I love the concept, very interesting.
In my opinion you started the story off kind of right in the thick of things. The dialogue is very clunky and forced, and i couldn't believe that it was a real conversation between two people