|Reviews for You, Me And The Rest Of The World|
| heartworkmechanics 1/25/13 . chapter 1
I just finished reading your work and this is what I think overall:
There is a lot of potential in this work! I love to find first person works, I find them the hardest to write.
First with the praise:This begins very bleak, which appeals to me. Scarelette is going through something a lot of people fear including myself, 'rejection'. Her pouring this out at the beginning is profound to me.
Now with the critique:
One thing I recall from grammar class is to not be afraid of super short sentences or super long ones! So I pass this jewel onto you.
Within your first chapter you repeat a lot of the information you gave us in the initial paragraph. I would rearrange the text or delete some of the sentences for more emotion.
The spelling/ missing word errors that I caught:
When I was six, I realised (realized)
My hoodie overs my eyes (hoody)(This is the correction MSWord gives, however I think it can go both ways)
I don't even know that guy is! (who that guy is!)
At school, I'm always in the Guidance Councillors Office(Councilors)
Now I am no instructor so I my help or explanation may not come out right. So I took the liberty of writing an example of what I mean using the first two paragraphs of this chapter.
I stand alone; it's what I've been taught. I've always been like that, always standing alone with no one to trust. I'm just your average sixteen year old teenager with an attitude problem. I have no friends, no one to talk to and see if I'm okay, I'm an orphan. I don't even know what a family is, I don't even believe in it. All my life, I've been told that my luck will change for the better, but it never happened.
I'm alone, always have and always will be. I've been in the orphanage home for as long as I can remember, but no one loves me. Each time there's an adoption day, people always seem to skip me and go for the nicer looking kids. I am nice, aren't I? Sure, I can be snappy at times, but I'm not mean. If that fact is true, then why won't anyone love me? I don't care if people want me now, it's too late anyway. Way to late, ten years late. When I was six, I realised that if people didn't adopt me back then, people won't now.
I stand alone. I always have and I always will. That’s what I’ve been taught. Family, I don’t even know what a family is and I don’t care to believe in one.
On adoption days people avoid me for nicer children. Aren’t I nice? I’m just an average sixteen year old with an attitude problem, but I’m not mean. Why then, won’t anyone love me?
No, it’s far too late. Ten years late. If people wouldn’t adopt me then, they won’t now.
I hope this helps! Good Luck!
| Luna's Child 1/17/13 . chapter 2
I'm a bit confused. At first, you made Scarelette act like she didn't care, then all of a sudden she wants to be fostered by Mark. Well, either way I like how she finally accepts her basic need of being cared for. After all that time in the orphanage, she deserves to be looked after.
| Luna's Child 1/17/13 . chapter 1
There are a few grammatical errors, but those can easily be fixed. You did a good job of enforcing Scarelette's frustration of not being adopted, thus making her shut people out. I like the story, it seems like it will be an emotional ride with an ending that turns out for the best.
| Kucing 1/11/13 . chapter 1
This is an interesting story. I really like it!
| Kucing 1/11/13 . chapter 2
Oh, this is such a wonderful chapter! please update :D
| VERGILthefallen 1/7/13 . chapter 1
not a bad opening, but some work needs to be done. First of all there are a lot of little errors. Mostly your missing a word or are using teh wrong one in place. things like, "she a sweetheart." Should have been She's or she is. There are a lot of moments like that and they can be fixed just by another read through. You used to insted of too, really small things that can be fixed with just a bit of proofreading.
Alos, you are a little too analytical in how she thinks. Most people can't pin exact ages when things occured, they just know, a few years ago, when i was younger, being vauge is ok since its a kid talking, kids are not always accurate.
Only other complaint is when she goes outside, the way it is written just amkes it seem like she walks out of the door on the second story is outside. A little beter transition there would help.
Beyond that, i do like her voice. The trying to be tough, still wanting love. It's cute and very realistic and relatiable.
| Tachibana Hana 1/7/13 . chapter 1
Seems very interesting so far! Hope you keep updating! If this chapter was a little longer, I guess I would have been very absorbed in it. Well, that's just my opinion. Overall, Well Done!