This is AMAZING!
you've used a really strong contrast throughout the extract, and have been very descriptive.
would you mind if i took a few bits out and used them in my work?

I am a reader and I love good fiction and this is very good. Did you write more? Will it become an eventual
short story or a novel?

Epic! Your descriptions are amazing and I can really imagine it! It also sounds like the beginning to a very good story . . . even if it isn't meant to be! It should be though! Awesome! :) Sandy

Very discriptive, if I do say so! It paints a picture in your mind, and to me, that's a good thing!
I like it! Awesome job!