Oh my gosh! What's going to happen! This chapter was amazing :) a little slow at the start but i loved it :) i cannot wait for the next chapter :) I love how you leave your chapters in cliffhangers. But you didn't say why kiah was bleeding.. But i loved it xD

This was really good, I hope you write up some more of the story :)

I love how you have introduced Tronic . I cannot wait to see how Eli gets out of that situation. :0 WHAT HAPPENED TO KIAH!? Hopefully you do not take long to post the next chapter :3

Hi there,

I can see why you wanted to write this - lesbian fiction for young adults is hard to come by. If you can write well, you'll find a ready market out there.

The problem is, you're not fabulous at writing well. Not a criticism, just a fact: as you admitted, this is yourt first story. It has lovely depth and a very cinematic overview (the reader can SEE things as they happen). What you need to work on is your grammar and your sentence structure. Knowing where and when to use an apostrophe is critical. You overuse yours and put them in all the wrong places. I'm sure if you Google "Use of apostrophe", you'll find a quick guide to how they work.

Also, your sentences run on too long with too many commas. You need to break them up a bit, turn over sentences into new paragraphs more often.

You language is a little too casual - like you are saying the story out loud to a friend. You need to trim back some of it "she knew if it was her house she would have clothes and things everywhere" could be better written as:

The house was very neat for a seventeen year old; not at all like the untidy nest that was Kiah's bedroom.

Writing to sell a novel - even an online one - needs to have a certain structure and control to it. These tools are easily learned in a single book on how to write (or found online if you look for them). Good writing makes your reader want to keep going for the story - not just cruise ahead quickly to the erotic scenes. Speaking of which, you have a lovely slow burn happening here, enough to keep your reader's interest. There's the supernatural element, the love element, and the obviously physcial side to the relationship that we as readers can all see looming.

Keep at the story (if you're serious about it you'll find that you want to write on past the sex scene that you are obviously bulding to and will finish the novel), but take some time out from the thrill of writing it to learn how to make it better to read.

Best of luck.

this story is epic! i love eli! she may be turning me already ;) you HAVE to write more im absolutely inlove with these characters and the plot already . i love the style and technique of your writing! i have not been able to find many stories i like but this one is absolutely amazing! if u do not write more i will have to hunt you down and force you xD