|Reviews for Bright Dark|
| Seven Everson 1/15/13 . chapter 1
As a person who has never read book one, this first chapter of book 2 does not work. I love your enthusiasm for your work - how you just jump straight into it - but as a reader coming across this work for the first time, I was tempted to abandon ship after the first line. Even though its a book 2, you MUST introduce us to all the characters quickly, you must tell us who they are and help us like them because you MUST assume that some of your readers have never met them before.
Also, your dialogue lines go on too long without telling us something about your characters. Dialogue is useful for giving us info through what they say, but also HOW they say it:
"My dad had to seal it inside her."
Adele winced: "It was horrible, but it was right."
This lets us know more exactly what Adele was feeling. Let us SEE how the chracters are saying it, as well as hearing it. They grimace, they wince, they shudder, they smile, they shrug. We need to know these things so we can see them.
Also, your paragraphs run on too long without a sentence turn. Give us more white space on the paper - turn over the lines to hold our interest and stop us trawling through masses of info without a break.
The last paragraph on is page is one entire line that changes subject without no breaks. What she is wearing is different to how she was scrying - break it with a full stop and maybe start a new line.
Don't detail clothing too much - you may love it, but we just need to know the basics. We're more interested in the person, less so in what they wear every minute of every day.
Don't stop writing, your love of your story shines through, but you do need to pay attention to the structure if you want other people to enjoy it the way that you do.
All the best.