|Reviews for Tasty Romance|
| Isis 47 2/9/13 . chapter 2
Interesting chapter - but what I really want to know is how they switched food flavors . . . Sorry, that's about all I know to say for this.
But I think you have something for first person stories - it just gives your characters more of an attitude, and that's what I like most about them. :)
Also, laughed at this:
"I had once dated a guy who liked to do that, and he was the reason I had a caution on my record – because he dared me to light fireworks in a trash can, claiming he'd done it billions of times."
- LOL! Yeah, that'll leave some scars.
Excellent, and update soon! :)
You'd never know, but Medusa's eyes are actually a beautiful shade of magenta.
| PiratePrincessSarah 1/24/13 . chapter 2
XD I love Melody's attitude! So awesome!
Keep it up!
| Isis 47 1/15/13 . chapter 1
I liked it. You introduced the characters, and I kept guessing which skateboarder was going to be one of the main characters until we got up to Aiden there. But I think that this might help the chapters go along a little better:
"Michael, who was fifteen, smiled. He was smart, sensible and charasmatic. "Hey, Mel. How's it going?""
- Maybe you could have stretched out this descrption a little more? Like, instead of telling us he was smart, sensible and charasmatic, you could have done that in Melody's thoughts, or in what Mike says, or in what other peope say about him.
"While Melody got her bags out and the adults started dealing with technicalities, Melody spotted her cousins looking through the window."
- I think this was the only repetition that caught my eye and bothered me. When you said Melody's name the first time, we knew that it was her, yes. But the second time in the same sentence is something to avoid - even if it means repeating "she" or "her," we know that it's Mel.
"She was sure it was all physical attraction, and probably, whatever he first said to her would ruin that image and then she'd be able to feel more like herself around him and the other boys."
- I hate guys like that. But it is true - once they get to know you better, they know you're not "the one," and you realize that he's not yours either.
"I'm sure I'll have forgotten all about him by the morning."
- X) I like these in stories. It's a not-so-suttle foreshadowing, but it's still enough to let us know that he's going to be a major part of this story. It's almost comedic to me, but I like it when people do that.
Wow, this is longer than it should be. Oh well. Welcome to FictionPress. This is where I learned almost everything I know about reviews. Good chapter, and I think that it's cool that you're basing this off of a dream and writing it loosly on that and a computer game. :) Keep it up!
Did you know that if a step on a staircase is off by even one millimeter, your unconsious mind is so precise it lifts your foot up the wrong height and you trip? I use that excuse everytime I fall up the stairs. Random trivia there.
-Isis / Sideshow
| PiratePrincessSarah 1/15/13 . chapter 1
Little mistakes, but it was interesting.
| HighOnBrokenWings 1/15/13 . chapter 1
So I came across a few wee mistakes like forgetting to close the brackets and writing knew instead of new, but over all, your grammar is pretty good.
To me, this feels more like a draft or an outline of a chapter. There's no depth to what you're writing, and it's either he did that, she said this or then this happened. In other words, it moves too fast. I would suggest warming it up with a longer car trip so we can get an idea of the character herself and then more gradually introduce the new characters. It's a bit of a mental over load to remember who's who! Another thing I noticed is that third person narrative doesn't click right with the way you've written this story. I would suggest not having brackets, but rather just explicitly state the tidbit of information. As its not directly through Melody's eyes and her perspective, it seems a little awkward to cut it up that way.
Anyway, keep at it :) it's a good start and has real potential to develop into something more complex