|Reviews for The Blackborn|
| Complex Variable 5/9/13 . chapter 2
The formatting here is a mess; don't press return at the end of EVERY sentence! xo Make it look professional—it makes a difference. Also, you should insert a cross-page line break (a horizontal line) to separate your author's notes from the actual text itself.
Although you give the narrator a good personality, the actual narration itself is shallow. For one thing, you have lots of information-dumping. For another, you don't really take the time to have the narrator "experience" the moment. There's so much more sensory detail you could add—what she physically feels, what she hears, smells, etc.
As an example of your info-dumping: [While normal dragons have the power to breathe fire I have the ability to spit acid. An acid that burns and melt anything it comes in contact with. I had also worked with my special 'talent' which made me able to turn it into a deadly poison.]
Instead of just telling the reader that she can do all these things, why not SHOW her doing them, and let the reader figure it out by watching/reading. You don't need to get rid of ALL of these info-dumping passages, you just need to make the chapter feel like it has more content than just the information it gives.
[Once I was inside the glad – my safe haven – I, full of rage, transformed without a second thought.
I felt the adrenalin rushing through my veins as I took off from the ground in one swift motion.] - - - This, for instance. You could (and should) give a nice description of what this FEELS like. Don't just tell us WHAT happens, let us EXPERIENCE IT. :3
| justpassingby 1/21/13 . chapter 1
I'm liking this story so far. I've always been a fan of dragon themed stories,you should definitely continue this :)