|Reviews for Guardians of Woe|
| okunoin 4/3/13 . chapter 1
It reads like a manga adaption of biblical references, very fun xD
Are you doing more of this? I like how it ends on a point of being completely directionless and so inviting loads of possibilities as to where the plot could go, I mean, we don't know where the characters are transported to, is it a different world? I love the open ended nature!
Am I horrible for hoping Kyle was dead? Haha His character seems pretty typical deadweight so hopefully you introduce some different aspects to his personality that fleshes him out a bit (and Sophie too, to some extent) I'm guessing Lilith holds deeper meaning to the story at large (her name being a biblical reference) so it's interesting to see if her two friends stick around or not for future chapters.
One criticism would be that I didn't really get a sense of what the angels look like, there's definitely something other-worldly about them, and we get a good sense of how they speak (quite archaic/formal) but I feel the writing missed an opportunity to describe them a bit more.
One slight grammar error ' blast were going off and the yells of people followed' 'blasts' perhaps?
Your prose is really simple which is both good and bad, I feel like you could maybe even introduce some more poetic elements (as a fantasy piece) that might spice up the text a bit, for example, ' sending a shiver up Kyle's spine' this is a really bland description, and while keeping things simple is good (less is more after all) I don't think it would hurt to be a bit more abstract sometimes - as I see you're very good at poetry :)
My favourite description you use is 'walking people going about their day' - 'walking people' is such a charming and yet absurd description, it's off-kilter and I really like it!
Anyway, I hope my little pointers make sense to you, and my apologies for returning this review so late!
| Jalux 3/26/13 . chapter 1
You've setup a good hook here with the ending.
What I really like is just your description of everything coupled with the excellent dialogue, it really serves to provide a vivid image of the setting you've created and the characters in it. The dialogue is well done and believable.
What I did feel though was you rushed a little with the action, we get a few sentences prologue then friends having coffee then straight into it. Personally I think slowing it down just a tad, maybe fleshing out your characters with a few more lines of dialogue/exposition would help.
| Me'shelle 3/25/13 . chapter 1
i think you should have kept the viewpoint on Lilith throughout this chapter. In the beginning everything seemed to be through her perspective then you had that part where everything was through Sophie perspective then it went back to Lilith then went to Kyle for a short time and then back to Lilith. I think you should have kept it on one person or try to put it through each person, Liith, Sophie, Kyle equally.
I think the action came in a little too late. I think it's good that you started off as a group of college students (they are in college, right?) having coffee and having an ordinary day but I think it dragged on too much. The characters weren't doing anything too interesting like messing around at a club or have Kyle do something stupid. But I think some of his dialogue was sort of entertaining.
The intro didn't seem to match up with the actual story. If Lilth is the protagonist of the series I think it should have started off with her thoughts about angels and religion as she waits for her friends. That would set up the world around her and explain to us her character and her beliefs. it's just I have a hard time believing that Sophie and Lilth just knew that those two men were angels and not mutants or space aliens. If you'd talk about their beliefs and explained the rules of the world before getting to that part it would explain a lot more. I mean are angels common in this world? Is it not? Is religion important to the world? Or is it seen as obsoletenow when you changed from prologue (which i'd assume is the past) to the story (the present with Lilth)?
| emmadotlouise 3/23/13 . chapter 1
WRITING: Your writing style is lovely, I think you show nicely rather than telling us what is happening. You have good use of description, not too overbearing but not too little. There are parts of your story that need ironing out, some awkward sentences and pacing that would be picked up with another read through, but I'll identify a few.
[Lilith frowned. "Well, I wouldn't of if you two had shown up on time."] - As far as I'm aware, wouldn't of is grammatically wrong and reads strangely to me. Rephrase to "Well, I wouldn't have if you two had shown up on time."
["There was a huge accident," Sophie, the girl to Lilith's left spoke then as she dropped her book bag to lean against her chair. "Two buses collided apparently. They're overturned, blocking a lot of the street."] - Rephrase, drop the then, to "Sophie, the girl to Lilith's left, spoke as she dropped her book bag to lean against her chair."
[Sophie remained silent which was nothing out of the ordinary and Lilith rolled her eyes.] - You're speaking from Lilith's point of view and the "which was nothing out of the ordinary" is more of a side comment. I'd put commas around this, ie: "Sophie remained silent, which was nothing out of the ordinary, and Lilith rolled her eyes."
BEGINNING/HOOK: Your beginning is very well done. It drew me into the story instantaneously, however this still requires some ironing, which is probably more on the writing side of things.
[However, there was another who had cravings of a different sort for His flock, one who had been loyal to Him, one who had fallen. The fallen was the wolf, the Shepherd's flock knew to fear the wolf and his malevolent intents. So the wolf became more clever, disguising himself to blend with the herd, tricking His naive creations with silky whisperings of lies and false promises. And slowly, they turned, one by one His sheep were no longer the pure white souls he had the greatest designs for. No, they turned. Grays began dotting their coats, darkening their spirits. A corruption spread as more of them looked to the disguised wolf and away from the Shepherd until all that shone before him was a flock of black sheep.
Disappointment filled the Shepherd's spirit. And so, He did what he had vowed never to do; He laid his hook to rest.]
[And slowly, they turned, one by one His sheep were no longer the pure white souls he had the greatest designs for. No, they turned. ] - This particular part I would rephrase a little. You've already established that they've turned in the previous sentence and the repetition in the sentence that follows is unnecessary and doesn't really do anything for the flow of your story.
I enjoy the way you've set your beginning up. If you had begun with Lilith, then I probably would not have gone past the first few paragraphs, but starting with something exciting really drags your reader in. I'm a fan of supernatural stories as well.
ENDING: This reminds me a bit of Supernatural! I really enjoy the way you've concluded the chapter, leaving us wanting for more. What are the angels going to do? What plans do they have for the humans? What are those yellow things and how do they fit in? It will be interesting to see how you continue the story.
CHARACTERS/DIALOGUE: Some of the language you use is unique to your characters, which I understand. You're trying to give them a unique voice. Kyle's way of speaking drives me nutty though. Anyway, that's a side point. You showed some good character development within this chapter and established Lilith and Kyle as characters. We didn't see much development from Sophie, so I hope you have more planned from her later. I would like to know what kind of person she is - or is she someone who's expendable and is going to fall by the wayside? Maybe something to keep in mind when you're introducing your characters to your readers. Expose them more, the way they act, the way they feel, etc. Even though we're seeing your characters through Lilith's eyes (even though you're writing in third person), Kyle is a louder character and we see Lilith's thoughts, which is why we're getting to know her. Just don't forget about your other characters - even minor characters need a voice too. Just my two cents though. :)
| unconscious willpower 3/13/13 . chapter 1
Starts off kinda sad…
Lilith, very biblical ;-)
"It's only two, Kyle."
"Yea, too long for me to have gone without a drink!"
I like this part; I know people like this.
Smelling fire is bad. Every time. Sophie is the one who notices first
Wait, is hell coming up? from the smoke ad the shaking, i'm a little bit afraid that this is happening. That would ruin a weekend.
This escalates quickly, we go from a nice coffee lounge to OMG what is grabbing my leg and calling me human. I fear for the presented characters.
What a day they had, attacked by demons and saved by angels.
This story is very well written, and I see no grammar or spelling errors. I like the idea behind this story, but it's lacking more to it. Like write some more. Now!
Your writing is always interesting. I really didn't have much to suggest in this story, it left me with a curiosity about what is happening.
Who are the main characters, they are friends yes? Was there a larger purpose for the attack, are people being called to Hell for an army or is Hell attacking just because they are evil and hate everything.
I get a slight feeling that the main characters may be special since Gabriel saved them, but I'm not sure. The fighting was pretty cool as well.
Anyways, I hope you liked my opinion's and that this review has helped you.
| Nullbound 3/2/13 . chapter 1
I'm not really into angels and biblical-themed stories, to be honest, but once I read just the first few paragraphs of this story, I literally got hooked into your astounding concept. The introductory paragraph... especially... was one to spark the intriguing factor of the story, and truly reflects on how the story was going.
Storyline & narration: There was a solid plot in this chapter, which creates an opening for other chapters to proceed with; it also plays as a cliffhanger to incite curiosity in the reader. Although this is merely the beginning of what's going to happen, this chapter stands alone for its events and is really action-paced; it didn't drag on or happen too quickly. For that, the narration was an excellent transition of events to boot, especially as the story started as a boring day at the café, to an 'all hell breaks loose' scenario. Descriptions on how the narration's progression was seamless; no errors whatsoever.
Characters, places & history: The scope of a location was given as the story was read, it wasn't limited just to the characters, but not as vast to give a complete sketch on where they were, so it was balanced (it's good because a wider scope could bore the reader while a narrow scope could be confusing). As for the characters, they were still not distinguished from both appearance and personality; then again, it's still the first chapter; I hope that they would be properly identified, (especially with last names and the deeper connections that the protagonist/s have with one another). As for history, I'm only curious of where this will lead to, either to the standard 'doomsday' plot, or a completely different turn. I guess that's my cue to be patient for the next chapter.
Writing & grammar: The mix of action and dialogue as the story progressed, was a perfect blend, with expressions and feelings to decipher the intensity realism, thus providing a decent, 'in the head' picture. As for grammar, the only noticeable aspects are perhaps the simple differences between the opinions of writers. Although I don't see any reason for me to point them out, I'll still do so to express my opinion:
1- "He turned from them, his once pure designs, forsaken." (5th paragraph). How about "once-pure"? (Adding a hyphen to ascertain a compound adjective.) Bear in mind that this is optional.
2- "Lilith looked to Gabriel, he gave them a small smile while moving to follow Michael." (9th paragraph from the bottom). Instead of the comma in the sentence, why not use a semi-colon? Because I see the two halves (separated by the comma) as two different, yet related sentences, and it feels odd that comma is being the separator.
Miscellaneous: Like I said, this may be probably the first proper story that I may be reading with an angel-theme to it. So as a personal thought (being biased and all), I may not be too interested in the overall concept (based on other similar books I peeked at). But I still like on how and where your story is heading off to. Who knows; perhaps I can finally take interest, but that's just me.
| RavenclawMoose 2/6/13 . chapter 1
This was a really good first chapter! I felt like I got a decent sense of Lilith's and Sophie's personalities. Kyle felt a bit one dimensional, but there's time to fill him out more in later chapters. I have to admit, I thought he was going to die for a bit.
I like the way you blended action and description quite a bit. I could picture things as I read them, and that definitely helped me feel like I was in the scene with the characters.
The only thing I really didn't like were the few paragraphs at the beginning. I didn't see the point of them. If it was supposed to be an extra dramatic prologue type thing, setting up a great conflict between light and dark, then it did not do its job, and I don't think it's really necessary. Starting the story with Lilith would do a much better job of hooking me in to the story. Lilith and her friends are way more interesting than some rather cliche setup of good/god and evil.
I liked the angels, too. You did a good job of showing their personalities through their dialogue. Nice job. I'm certainly intrigued by this beginning.
| lookingwest 2/5/13 . chapter 1
Hmmm interesting. I definitely got the Biblical feel from the opening scene, and I think you also have a really blatant connotation with that through Lilith's name being Lilith. These connections are good, I think, I'd be interested to see what kind of character Lilith becomes, just judging by her name. I almost expected Mike or Gabe to say something about her name being Lilith too, because I feel it's so loaded with meaning. But anyway - I liked the description towards the end of Lilith feeling like she was being "sucked through the air" - that was a clever way to describe a sensation and I thought it was especially telling.
I think I would've liked more spacial description of where this restaurant that they're at is - for some reason I was picturing the movie Legion in this, since it seems to kind of have a similar premise, and I was picturing this diner because out in the middle of nowhere. But I'm not sure that it was - perhaps building more on the descriptive setting beyond just the diner would be cool. I did get that there must be an urban area nearby or that they are in one though, because Kyle and Sophie are mentioning college and studying, etc.
I found the dialogue of the angels stiff in a formal way that I'm not sure I entirely agree with or like. I can see why you're doing it and that it would make sense because they're supposed to be these formal "old" symbols in motion, messengers of god, etc., but in this context their dialogue fell flat to me. I mean - if you want formal and historical, they should be speaking Latin or something, right? But they're not. So why English and why such formal English if they know English already (which would hint that they do have historical knowledge of the times and what region they're in)? Also - if they know English and speak it so formally - what else do they know about the world? Just some rhetorical questions.
At any rate, I did like your characterization of Lilith, and the scene when Kyle is being attacked by those demons(?) monster things, I thought you added in good tension there because I wanted to find out what was happening and what was going on - good job with that scene!
| Hayley-Bug 2/4/13 . chapter 1
Oh wow! This is good! It pulled me in because, this is what it seems like to me, you are basing this on the war between Angels of Heaven, and the Fallen Angels led by Lucifer. Heaven vs. Hell. I'm going to keep an eye on this and keep reading. :)
| BloodWillSpill 2/3/13 . chapter 1
A great opening with a lot of action! Since this has religious allusions, I assume lilith's name has some kind of importance. Um, at the end, surly should be surely (they mean 2 different things lol). And in the middle of the action, you leave Lilith's mind and start to talk through Sophie and then back again. Either you should label when the narrative switches (just in case your characters split up) or stick with Lilith. Whatever you decide is fine! Great story!
| Whirlymerle 1/26/13 . chapter 1
[He was right, it wasn't new, stuff like that happened all the time] This is a run-on.
A semicolon is used to separate two independent clauses; more often than not, you're using them as you would a colon.
[I don't kno—] I think you mean "know." The w is part of the same syllable so it wouldn't be cut off.
I like the premise of this, as stories taking a spin on religion always intrigue me. I think it's interesting that your main character is named Lilith, since the figure in mythology is supposed to the original woman and even though she's often considered evil, she's more of an equal to Adam (from my limited understanding of the myth), which I find kind of empowering. So yeah, your character, by her name alone, is very thought provoking. :)
| Stormi Reagan 1/25/13 . chapter 1
Wow, such a fantastic start. I like the concept here with angels, and the story's plot seems like it could be written a million ways after our three characters' predicament here with the "fallen" angels (I assume!). Your writing makes me forget everything around me and just be engulfed into your world. The only thing I would change is perhaps give me a little bit more about the history of the angels, because the beginning was very interesting with their history, but it's not a complaint, only a suggestion. Great work!
| A. Nonymous1234 1/23/13 . chapter 1
Wow. For a first chapter, that was pretty action packed. I'm excited to be the first review :3 Anyways, I thought the hook paragraph and sentence were very well written, very poetic and gripping. I did find it a little confusing at parts, but I figured it out after re-reading a few times.
There were a few little mistakes, like-
"Her arms were still wrapped around her head, but her eyes, they were wide open and they were locked on something across the room. A look of shock plastered on her usually mellow features." If you are going to keep on in that sentence, I would suggest a coma instead of a period to separate those two sentences.
This was really good, and I love the ending. Is this going to be an angels and demons story?