|Reviews for The Human Instrumentality Experiment|
| ShiftyObserver 3/23/13 . chapter 1
WOW! That is a wonderful opening. You used dialogue, and it was clear that there were two speakers. Your grammar, from what I could spot, was impeccable. There is only one suggestion that I would have for this chapter: Rather than tell the reader through the little pieces of narrative, you need to work on showing the reader through more terrifying terms how terrifying Abel's lack of humanity is. Find an unsettling piece of writing and try to pull from it. The reader needs to be scared of Abel. Otherwise, I love this, and I'm going to have to favorite it. Good luck and good writing!
| Miyuki Izanami 3/10/13 . chapter 2
There's quite a few errors here. It might be a good idea to proofread before you upload. Other than that, it's looking pretty good and very mysterious. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
| JWT 2/18/13 . chapter 2
This is an interesting idea you've got here. I'm quite intrigued to know what the deal is with this blank book, as well as Alex's past that you hint at in the first paragraph.
I'm afraid I'm going to do a little bit of grammar nazi-ing now though:
"Hey Alex, it's nice to see you again." The woman behind the counter called out.
"Yeah almost too long Ashley." He replied back.
Both times the speech should finish with a comma not a full stop ("...see you again," the woman called). Only finish the speech with a full stop if you're not using a "said" or equivalent. You've done this a few other times as well, so it's just something to keep an eye on.
In the prologue, though the speech is the main focus of the scene, I think it would benefit from a little description as well to create an atmosphere and give the reader an idea of how the characters are interacting with each other - are they comfortable in each other's presence to start with, so does the President's demenour suddenly change when the gun is pulled out? This would give the scene more depth as it has the potential to be very tense and dramatic but with the speech alone it's not quite there yet.
I really like this idea and you've done a good job of introducing Alex as an interesting character who we want to get to know. Keep writing :)
| Miyuki Izanami 2/17/13 . chapter 1
Wow. I'd really like to learn more about Abel, because from what I've read, I'm pretty sure he's not human. I think it would be better if the description of the experiment were a little more... vague. Just to catch the reader's attention and get them to keep reading. Otherwise, you're doing a good job. Keep it up.