|Reviews for Sakura no kisu 桜のキス|
| kingofe3 4/13/13 . chapter 2
I wonder this will turn into a magical girl type of show. Seems to be going in that direction. Your writing is pretty good and you have some interesting things going on so far.
| Y. S. Wong 2/11/13 . chapter 1
There are still quite a few spelling and grammatical errors, as well as some occasional awkward phrasing. I don't feel like pointing them out right now, but I would recommend getting a beta reader for that.
Ignoring that, I'll try to give you some non-technical criticism.
First, let's start with the good.
I like your character interactions. Each character has a life of their own with his or her own distinct personality. That's good. Some of their interaction is a little bit forced or unnatural, but that's the type of stuff that comes with practice. But I liked Shizuka and Kana's relationship. They have real chemistry and it shows. It does seem like they've been friends forever.
You also have a good storytelling ability and it seems like you've thought the story out. In terms of eloquence, the language you use isn't bad at all, just watch out for the spelling/grammatical errors as well as the awkward phrasing.
Okay, now the not-so-good.
Don't label each scene. Don't break immersion by telling me "Okay, Mister Reader, now Shizuka's at the library." Show, not tell. Instead, you can describe the environment. "There are shelves filled with books all around Shizuka." Something like that. The reader will be smart enough to figure out she must be at the library.
Similarly, unless it is vitally important to the plot, there's no need to tell me what time it is. "The sky is orange and the shadows grow long" will tell me it's around sunset.
Also, you tend to skip around to different scenes a lot. This makes your work feel choppy, and ruins the pacing. My advice would be to either try to keep just the core scenes and draw them out more, or rework the chapter with all/most of the scenes intact so that they aren't as choppy.
Overall, I would say it's a good start. You definitely have a knack for storytelling, it just needs a little bit more work in terms of execution. I liked the cliffhanger at the end, too, although it's a little bit cliched. I'm going to have to ask you to tweak that later once your ability to execute gets a little better. But you're almost there! Just keep writing.
| Katsurou Shimizu 1/28/13 . chapter 1
Alrighty, I made a promise so here goes. Disclaimer: I actually am not so keen on constructive criticisms nowadays but since you state that you want to improve, I'll do my best to help out!
Before everything, I like to say that it's really nice that you are inspired by another writer, and one who is a great writer as well. I'm sure that she would be heartened by your acknowledgement of thanks.
First of all, I'll touch on your premise. One word: epic. The kind that I wished I did many years ago but never came around to doing. I dunno, maybe I'm getting too nutty to pull this kind of thing off (my maturity decreases with age). Also liked the character interactions, especially Kana and Shizuka. I bet you have one sister like that huh? Finally there's a bit of intrigue with regards to Kouhei's hostile attitude towards Shizuka. I'm betting he's either the destiny caller.
Or he's just hostile for the sake of being hostile.
Writing wise, I really liked the descriptive sensory details that you pepper throughout the chapter, especially during the opening in the chamber. It's immersive and it draws the reader in to feel that threatening and forbidding atmosphere felt by the woman as she plead pardon for the chosen one. The tension was done well. I also thought you ended on a nice cliffhanger, though personally I thought it would be better if you omit the time skip and stop where the mysterious figure is looking at Shizuka. It's much more creepier and serves as a better hook to the next chapter, me thinks?
Here comes the criticism bit. Do tell me if I am harsh. I want to maintain my nice guy image :)
While I did state that I liked the sensory details, I felt that they were bogged down by an adverb or an adjective too many. Don't get me wrong, adjectives and adverbs do enhance the prose when using sparingly, but too much, the effect becomes diluted.
Let me give you an example:
["Wish you thought about that before you over slept." The lavender haired beauty thought dryly.]
- From the context of the scene itself, I could tell that the girl was being sarcastic from the thought bubble itself. So adding that "dryly" adverb amounts to 'telling' the reader, instead of 'showing'. It's common mistake, when writers fear that the readers don't know, but sometimes you have to trust the readers and let them imply on their own. They'll love you more for it.
So a possible suggestion, that I learnt from reading books, is to include more concrete images within your story if you want to enhance description. Words like rock, river, sun, book. Both writer and reader may picture a different rock or river, but there's a similar magical connection that takes place. Incorporating them into your story could be done in the form of an action descriptor, like the girl slamming the book on the table to indicate her anger. Works much better than "said angrily", do you think?
This is because when you instead use more abstract terms like "intensely" or "monotonously", your mind draws a blank. How exactly do you picture these two terms?
Grammatically wise, I thought you used a semi-colon too many when they weren't needed. There's also some run-on sentences that could have been shortened to aid readibility. Finally, some missing full stops. You might want to go proofread the chapter and add them in. Or maybe get a Beta-Reader?
But all in all, it's a good start! Hoped that my suggestions are helpful. Keep writing!
*Little nitty-gritty that I spotted*
["You may take your now."]
- missing 'leave'.
[Shizuka replied with a mouthful of rice, she swallowed hard before completing her sentence]
- missing full-stop, and I think it will flow a lot better if you replace the second part of the sentence with "swallowing hard before completing her sentence".
[a tone of work to do]
[A shadowed quickly ran]
Random comment: I'M IN THE STORY?! This is the second instance. First a villain with a katana, and now a teacher? Wow, Me love my alternative occupations man. (I'll be a lot more wackier as a teacher though)
| Benehime 1/28/13 . chapter 1
Okay, so first off punctuation needs some work. Good amount of run-on sentences, missing periods/commas, and that kind of stuff. Grammar wasn't that bad; every now and again I cam across a word with the incorrect tense or just an awkward sentence but nothing too bad. Something you need to limit is description and reiterating it. For example, we get you want to drive home the fact Shizuka has amethyst eyes and silver hair, but those were repeated all throughout the chapter and started to become annoying.
One tip to offer that a lot of people overlook: don't be afraid to use the phrase "s/he said." A lot of people will criticize a work when they see you using the word "said" a lot. Just keep in mind, if you can't think of a good substitution for the word "said" in a particular situation, use it. I like the little guide you gave in the beginning with the human speech and stuff, clever.
So as for the story, I really enjoyed it. Shizuka is a fun character, and I'm really liking her. I really think before you introduce those two new students, you should have showed her character a little bit more. With these new mysterious gorgeous students, the focus suddenly shifts from her (which she had for only a few paragraphs) to them all of a sudden. I thought that guy cutting in front of her like that was a little unnatural, but I'm probably only saying that because it ticked me off lol.
The ending did just enough to want me to read a bit more. Like I said, I'm liking what you have here so far. Can't really say much for plot cause obviously not much has happened, but I look forward in reading your next chapter. Keep it up!
| xX Electric Stars Xx 1/26/13 . chapter 1
Wow, this story is so interesting! It's so well written! :D Keep going!