I love it, though I have some advice. Try to linger longer, even if has nothing to do with the plot, even the little things make for a better story. Please update soon.

Really good start to an interesting idea, but I do have a point to raise;

When writing dialogue, you should always go to a new line each time there is a change in speaker, otherwise it gets cluttered and difficult to read - it's also hard to keep track of the conversation. People tend to want to skip over large blocks of text.

I hope you do continue with this, though :)

It's interesting, I hope explain all the characters and everything though. It's good writing.