|Reviews for Metal Sun|
| Order and Chaos - Qui Iudicant 3/27/13 . chapter 3
Wow, hope you update soon, 'cause I'd like to see what this devious black hole has in mind for ol' Fletcher Lee!
| Order and Chaos - Qui Iudicant 3/27/13 . chapter 1
Impresive my friend! I'm hooked!
| HPFishgrease 3/9/13 . chapter 1
Pretty neat. You should keep it up. Love the idea of the Jump. By the way, what were your inspirations for this story?
| Jerim 3/9/13 . chapter 3
Maybe its just me, but I have aaabsolutely no clue what's going on in this story. Don't worry, that's not a bad thing. I found the third chapter a bit confusing, maybe you could explain more on what exactly that thing was, because I kinda didn't quite get it. I didn't see any misspelling or grammar errors, but you did have a lot of sentence fractures, and I don't know if that was a mistake or you intended that in order to get the right mood for when all his thoughts are getting ripped out of his head, considering that was the only section it was in. I liked it, though. Please update soon, I really want to see where you take Fletcher Lee, and just what exactly did that thing do to him? Seems like worse and worse things keep happening him. XP Till next time.
| misakihatesyou 2/18/13 . chapter 1
Better continue this otherwise I'll have to bug you Love it!
-Malice aka axelhatesyou
| HellsingKitten 2/8/13 . chapter 2
Alrighty, I am very glad you posted finally. So off to the review.
Okay so right at the beginning, I have no idea who is talking, when you finally say Marita was the one speaking I had to go back and reread it backwards pretty much.
That's the only dislike about the beginning, other than that I think it was a masterpiece. Not too long but not too short as well. Both characters show their personality in their dialogue and it's a cute flirtatious banter between a couple that sounds very believable. I like your descriptions, very well done and I get an idea of everything really, though I don't know about describing her face as pink. Pink is usually the color shown when one is blushing or embarrassed or something to that effect though that isn't to say it isn't good. As I said, I have a very good feel for what she looks like and the kind of relationship the two have. It was very well done. So hats off to ya!
Small grammar note: He sat back in the chair, letting his hands rest limply on his legs. So this was how it felt to die? jMaybe he should ha... That j right next to maybe. _
I am a bit confused, you said he had a week to think about everything and then he gets to the Jump. But I could have missed something...most likely.
Okay, I wish you'd made it longer but only because I want to know more about the story.
At the very end where he tilts his head back and closes his eyes, I was wondering why all of that was italicized.
I still like Fletcher, I would like to know more about him still but of course there's time for that to come about. I hope you show the relationship with him, the LT. and the girl both of them fancied, like instances or maybe when Fletcher had first noticed something was wrong. Just thoughts.
All in all, I loved this chapter as well, especially the beginning, it really sucked me in and I think you did another excellent job.
| Luna's Child 2/5/13 . chapter 1
I didn't notice any major grammatical error, so good job! This story was also interesting: you already managed to peak my curiosity and literally made me gasp when you explained what "the Jump" was. You should continue on with this story. I am curious to see what will happen to the soldier.
| HellsingKitten 2/5/13 . chapter 1
"Where those specs of blood caked around the edges?" I think you meant "were"
I'm still a novice myself but I like the story so far. Fletcher is an interesting character, learning why he was there only gave me a reason to like him and finding out about his bones was very interesting as well, I'd like to learn more about the virus plaguing him or whatever is causing that. I would like to know what he looks like but honestly you had me hooked and it wasn't until now, as I'm writing out this review that I even gave any thought to that. Even though I know little about the world I'm very interested in the mythos and want to learn more about it. This could either be a short novella or a long novel depending on where you want to go with it. I think you're pacing was very well and the descriptions were very well done. I'm looking forward to a second chapter if you decide to do so. All in all, I like this and would love to read more. The dash though at this part where the doctor is saying even if he was marrying your girlfriend (though I don't know how the doctor would know that). It shouldn't be there unless the previous sentence the doctor said ended with a dash as he was being interrupted, otherwise...well it shouldn't be there otherwise.
"Finally it was Fletcher who closed his eyes, his shoulders sagging in defeat. What life did he have here? Curly blonde locks flashed across his vision. He could of swore he could smell the faint scent of rosemary as a feminine giggle haunted his ears. Face it, she was only a memory now, the one person he had hoped would stand above his grave when he was gone."
That paragraph was soooooo well done, I loved it.
I have to ask though, you say he's supposed to be well composed in that case I feel like you should have mentioned more to that though, like saying he wasn't prone to such rash behavior or explain how he'd never been in trouble in his entire life or something to that effect, it would show more about his character.
"With a violent, unforgiving hiss a panel in the wall opened up, and the doctor walked in." That part there didn't really make any sense to me, the first part about the panel opening violently and unforgiving...it just sounds strange to me.
Also, at the very beginning where it states that he hated this place, perhaps you could put an instance of why he did, like the last time he saw his parents was in a place like this or how he'd always avoided it for some reason or how he'd never been sent there before.
The plates he has in his back, you could put more explanation to that as well, it's very interesting but aside that most officers have them, I don't have a clear picture as to why, what they do or help with or if they're simply experimental and if so do people volunteer for them or do they somehow help to slow his disease?
"Yeah, um, present." Fletcher gave a casual salute, his voice hoarse, heavy." This part here feels strange just because he's an officer and I assume he has been for awhile...this kinda sounds like he was daydreaming in class and his teacher loudly called his name.
In theory he should already know the jump was his other option, like have him thinking or just explaining that he knew he had only one other option but keep the part with his chest hammering and the recruits whispering, all that was amazing, just he would have heard about other people doing it is all I'm thinking.
Okay, so I hope that helps and all in all I love this story like I said and really hope you continue with it. There's a lot of great writing here.
| ManOfThePeople 2/4/13 . chapter 1
Great start, looking forward to reading more of this. A lot of stuff in it peeked my interest. Please continue!
on a side note- not trying to seem like an ad here, but could you do me a huge favor and check out my new story. I'm a new author looking for feedback.