Okay, so a few things that I think need some patch work. There are a few technical errors here and there, but that is not my subject of expertise.

The story builds well, has great direction, interesting scenarios. Already love the drama between Emily and Tim. That said, there are things that I am not a fan of and that don’t effortlessly fall into place.

For instance, while Emily and Tim are having their short conversation, where is her father, the Senator, why is he so oblivious to them? All of a sudden, he is just reading the paper? Would the conversation between Emily and Tim not be more hushed.

As a development, I think you should treat the “encounter” between them more subtle. A sentence like “Emily, why do you try and push me away when we spent that amazing night together” says too much. As well as “You blackmailed me, you threatened to tell the police I was involved in that activist attack and also threaten to discredit my Father”. If they have more scenes together this will come out on its own and a bigger ‘OHHH’ moment. Keep it simple, remember that the character already know they hate/love/lust/despise each other… but how do you get them to say it without saying it. Example:

"Hello Emily" He said with a weird smile that made Emily nearly gag. SHE HATED THE WAY HE ALWAYS SPOKE HER NAME, AS IF HE WAS TRYING TO SOUND OVERTLY MASCULINE
"Hi Tim" She responded quickly before she headed towards the window and looked at the crowds of press outside of the hotel.
Tim licked his lips as he watched her walk and proceeded to follow her. He stood next to her at the window and very slowly placed his right arm around her shoulder, she shuddered at the contact but Tim ignored it.
"You look…” EMILY WALKED AWAY FROM THE WINDOW ONLY TO TAKE PLACE IN FRONT OF ANOTHER WINDOW, SHE DISLIKE HIS PRESENCE.
TIM NONETHELESS FOLLOWED, THIS TIME WHEN PLACING HIS ARM AROUND HER. HE SQUEEZED, CAUSE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT.
“I SAID, YOU LOOK lovely tonight Emily" Tim whispered his lips an inch away from her ear. CLOESE ENOUGH TO FEEL HIS WARM BREATH.
She then pushed him away and tried to slap him but he caught her hand and twisted it causing her to moan out in pain. He pushed himself closer to her so that none of the Secret Service agents could see what was going on.
"WHY DO YOU PUSH ME AWAY, WHEN WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE?" He HELD A CALM whispered TONE.
EMILY SHOT HIM A LOOK IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF, "You blackmailed me, you threatened to tell…”
"Well you should have never got involved with that group, especially being the daughter of a U.S. Senator who is currently trying to convince people to vote for the new act" he replied angrily
Or something like that.
Howard Reese, if he was such a big shot why would he smell like bad after shave? Why not smell like very expensive aftershave, but like he went swimming gin it. And if he is a big shot, why is he in the office, should he not clock in and clock out as he pleases? Maybe have him their that early because only he can handle something (Something illegal maybe?).
Why a gunshot. Wouldn’t he use a silencer/suppressor? Start with the crack in the window. Howard falling…
Why not have the “customer” Mr. White on the phone listening and keep the lines to a minimum.
"It's done" He said speaking
"Good, your payment is being transferred into your account now" The voice at the other end replied
"A PLEASURE"
He then hung up the phone, AND PACKETED AWAY HIS EQUIPMENT, LEAVING THE MESS FOR THE POLICE AND THE DETECTIVES TO FIGURE OUT.
Lastly, everyone is described as “looked to be in his/her late/early AGE. We need a definite age. And a unique characteristic; piercing blue eyes, side smirk. Southern charm about him/her, distinct monotone voice to go with the age.
I love the set up of the story, and the points that things are driving to. KEEP up the good work, can wait to see where this goes!

Okay, so a few things that I think need some patch work. There are a few technical errors here and there, but that is not my subject of expertise.

The story builds well, has great direction, interesting scenarios. Already love the drama between Emily and Tim. That said, there are things that I am not a fan of and that i think don’t effortlessly fall into place.

For instance, while Emily and Tim are having their short conversation, where is her father, the Senator, why is he so oblivious to them? All of a sudden, he is just reading the paper? Would the conversation between Emily and Tim not be even more hushed.

As a development, I think you should treat the “encounter” between them more subtle. A sentence like “Emily, why do you try and push me away when we spent that amazing night together” says too much. As well as “You blackmailed me, you threatened to tell the police I was involved in that activist attack and also threaten to discredit my Father”. If they have more scenes together this will come out on its own and have a bigger ‘OHHH’ moment to the readers. Keep it simple, remember that the character already know they hate/love/lust/despise each other… but how do you get them to say it without saying it. Example:

"Hello Emily" He said with a weird smile that made Emily nearly gag. SHE HATED THE WAY HE ALWAYS SPOKE HER NAME, AS IF HE WAS TRYING TO SOUND OVERTLY MASCULINE

"Hi Tim" She responded quickly before she headed towards the window and looked at the crowds of press outside of the hotel.

Tim licked his lips as he watched her walk and proceeded to follow her. He stood next to her at the window and very slowly placed his right arm around her shoulder, she shuddered at the contact but Tim ignored it.

"You look…” EMILY WALKED AWAY FROM THE WINDOW ONLY TO TAKE PLACE IN FRONT OF ANOTHER WINDOW, SHE DISLIKE HIS PRESENCE IMMENSELY
TIM NONETHELESS FOLLOWED, THIS TIME WHEN PLACING HIS ARM AROUND HER. HE SQUEEZED, CAUSING PAIN AND DISCOMFORT.
“I SAID, YOU LOOK lovely tonight Emily" Tim whispered, his lips an inch away from her ear. CLOESE ENOUGH TO FEEL HIS WARM BREATH.
She then pushed him away and tried to slap him but he caught her hand and twisted it causing her to moan out in pain. He pushed himself closer to her so that none of the Secret Service agents could see what was going on.
"WHY DO YOU PUSH ME AWAY, WHEN WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE?" He HELD A CALM whispered TONE.
EMILY SHOT HIM A LOOK IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF, "You blackmailed me, you threatened to tell…”
"Well you should have never got involved with that group, especially WHEN DADDY IS currently trying to convince people to vote for the HIS NEW CONGRESSIONAL act" he replied angrily

Or something like that.

Howard Reese, if he was such a big shot why would he smell like bad after shave? Why not smell like very expensive aftershave, but like he went swimming gin it. And if he is a big shot, why is he in the office, should he not clock in and clock out as he pleases? Maybe have him their that early because only he can handle something (Something illegal maybe?).

Why a gunshot. Wouldn’t he use a silencer/suppressor? Start with the crack in the window. Howard falling…

Why not have the “customer” Mr. White on the phone listening and keep the lines to a minimum.

"It's done" He said speaking INTO THE PHONE

"Good, your payment is being transferred into your account now" The voice at the other end replied

"A PLEASURE"

He then hung up the phone, AND PACKETED AWAY HIS WEAPON, LEAVING THE MESS FOR THE POLICE AND THE DETECTIVES TO FIGURE OUT.

Lastly, everyone is described as “looked to be in his/her late/early AGE. We need a definite age. And a unique characteristic; piercing blue eyes, side smirk. Southern charm about him/her, distinct monotone voice to go with the age.
I love the set up of the story, and the points that things are driving to. Keep up the good work, can wait to see where this goes!

:)
-RF

Okay, so a few things that I think need some patch work. There are a few technical errors here and there, but that is not my subject of expertise.

The story builds well, has great direction, interesting scenarios. Already love the drama between Emily and Tim. That said, there are things that I am not a fan of and that don’t effortlessly fall into place.

For instance, while Emily and Tim are having their short conversation, where is her father, the Senator, why is he so oblivious to them? All of a sudden, he is just reading the paper? Would the conversation between Emily and Tim not be more hushed.

As a development, I think you should treat the “encounter” between them more subtle. A sentence like “Emily, why do you try and push me away when we spent that amazing night together” says too much. As well as “You blackmailed me, you threatened to tell the police I was involved in that activist attack and also threaten to discredit my Father”. If they have more scenes together this will come out on its own and a bigger ‘OHHH’ moment. Keep it simple, remember that the character already know they hate/love/lust/despise each other… but how do you get them to say it without saying it. Example:

"Hello Emily" He said with a weird smile that made Emily nearly gag. SHE HATED THE WAY HE ALWAYS SPOKE HER NAME, AS IF HE WAS TRYING TO SOUND OVERTLY MASCULINE
"Hi Tim" She responded quickly before she headed towards the window and looked at the crowds of press outside of the hotel.
Tim licked his lips as he watched her walk and proceeded to follow her. He stood next to her at the window and very slowly placed his right arm around her shoulder, she shuddered at the contact but Tim ignored it.
"You look…” EMILY WALKED AWAY FROM THE WINDOW ONLY TO TAKE PLACE IN FRONT OF ANOTHER WINDOW, SHE DISLIKE HIS PRESENCE.
TIM NONETHELESS FOLLOWED, THIS TIME WHEN PLACING HIS ARM AROUND HER. HE SQUEEZED, CAUSE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT.
“I SAID, YOU LOOK lovely tonight Emily" Tim whispered his lips an inch away from her ear. CLOESE ENOUGH TO FEEL HIS WARM BREATH.
She then pushed him away and tried to slap him but he caught her hand and twisted it causing her to moan out in pain. He pushed himself closer to her so that none of the Secret Service agents could see what was going on.
"WHY DO YOU PUSH ME AWAY, WHEN WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE?" He HELD A CALM whispered TONE.
EMILY SHOT HIM A LOOK IN COMPLETE DISBELIEF, "You blackmailed me, you threatened to tell…”
"Well you should have never got involved with that group, especially being the daughter of a U.S. Senator who is currently trying to convince people to vote for the new act" he replied angrily
Or something like that.
Howard Reese, if he was such a big shot why would he smell like bad after shave? Why not smell like very expensive aftershave, but like he went swimming gin it. And if he is a big shot, why is he in the office, should he not clock in and clock out as he pleases? Maybe have him their that early because only he can handle something (Something illegal maybe?).
Why a gunshot. Wouldn’t he use a silencer/suppressor? Start with the crack in the window. Howard falling…
Why not have the “customer” Mr. White on the phone listening and keep the lines to a minimum.
"It's done" He said speaking
"Good, your payment is being transferred into your account now" The voice at the other end replied
"A PLEASURE"
He then hung up the phone, AND PACKETED AWAY HIS EQUIPMENT, LEAVING THE MESS FOR THE POLICE AND THE DETECTIVES TO FIGURE OUT.
Lastly, everyone is described as “looked to be in his/her late/early AGE. We need a definite age. And a unique characteristic; piercing blue eyes, side smirk. Southern charm about him/her, distinct monotone voice to go with the age.
I love the set up of the story, and the points that things are driving to. KEEP up the good work, can wait to see where this goes!

Oh man, there is some DRAMA now! I thought that Alex was going to kidnap Emily or something, but he was just watching TV with his dog. That was so cute, by the way. I like this guy already!

I can't help but wonder who ran into the senator's car...and if he's dead or not. Whoever they are, I feel like we're going to meet them very soon. Please continue this!

This is very interesting already! The three different point of views have already sparked my interest, and I can't wait to see where all this leads...and how they are connected.

Yikes! I think I'll like this story.