|Reviews for Golden Buddy|
| okunoin 3/20/13 . chapter 1
As a dog lover this is a really touching piece :) I had the feeling that the narrator was a sort of older brother figure that the family brought in to look after the boy, someone who he could look up to and share his feelings with, and when the twist is introduced towards the end, I just thought 'That feeling I had makes sense now', and it still works, man's best friend indeed!
You've a very simple prose that lends itself well to speaking of more complex ideas like emotion and change, because the writing doesn't get bogged down in flowery language.
When I have more time I'm going to read your longer pieces, but if this is any indication I'm definitely going to enjoy them!
| TS Conlon 2/7/13 . chapter 1
The story was very interesting, entertaining and had a twist I never suspected until the end. The concept and idea were good, it was whimsical and yet heavy-hearted: A good contrast, and oft hard to pull off. Alas, I there were several grammar and continuity issues I came across.
1)"I never knew why that boy was particularly interesting, as I was assigned to take care of him."
Instead try, "I never knew why that boy was particularly interesting. I only knew I was assigned to take care of him."
2)"He wished to find a chest of gold which meant extremely valuable to him."
Gold is valuable, but did it mean something sentimental to the stranger? Or perhaps instead of "meant" did you mean "was"? Consider removing the entire "to him" section.
3)"Without asking any reward on his escort"
This is confusing. Should it be "without asking any reward for his efforts"?
4)Instead of "As the story ended", try "At the story's end".
5)"It was unconventional to relate a made-up story to a real thing, was it?"
Instead try, "Isn't it unconventional to relate a made-up story to a real thing?"
6)"Despite that, I never knew that sadness could be a sudden could be a sudden and cruel thing to bear."
Kindly fixed that loop ("could a sudden" appears twice).
7)Smiling, the servant flashed the boy a thumbs up and closed the window to make a beverage."
Instead try "to make THE beverage."
8)"But, I felt happy as the boy was opening himself up to the servant. I wanted them to get along as well."
Reconsider the use of "but" at the beginning because there in nothing in this sentence that contradicts the previous one.
8)"I looked at the top of the fence, where I saw the man face of the next-door neighbor's kid."
Should this instead be, "I looked at the top of the fence, where I saw the MAD face of the next-door neighbor's kid."
9)"Ooh! You think you're the here? Just try and take this from me, you lame losers," the bully stuck out his tongue at us, and retreated away from the fence."
"You think you're the WHAT here?" This word is missing.
10)But the boy was angry; he was gritting his teeth and was in tears."
Instead try, "he gritted his teeth and was in tears."
11)"The man responded, 'There's nothing to be upset about. This fellow's really lucky.' Then, he gazed at my tired eyes, "You'd just need a few days of rest after the treatment.'
"He looked through the crowd, 'Oh, thank goodness. The paramedics are here'."
How does this man know if the paramedics did not arrive yet? Also, there is no need for this new paragraph.
12)"'One canine: golden retriever, condition stable; no other causalities,' the second medic spoke through his radio, 'ETA… fifteen minutes'."
Consider removing "other" from "no other casualities." After all, nothing/no one died.
All in all, it was a good story. Like you mentioned, it was indeed rushed and felt that way. My recommendation would be editing. Thank you.