The focus on the pirates felt more interesting than the second half. I don’t know why, but Brielle just didn’t grab my attention. [They were sweet when she said them, yes, but there was just something about the sound of a name she fought hard to get rolling off of another's tongue.] Huh? Maybe it’s just me but the second half of that didn’t make a lot of sense. I think you could cut out the ‘yes’; it doesn’t add anything. Why is she fighting hard to get it from anyone else? The section opened with her name and title so it doesn’t seem that hard…Maybe see if there’s a way you could reword this. [The King] I noticed this a lot. ‘King’ does not need a capital letter unless it’s part of a proper noun. So King –Name-. If it’s their, our, the etc, it’s just king. [They watched her warily around their King after what she had done to their last one, all suspicious.] I don’t know why, but this sentence just struck me as awkward. Maybe get rid of the ‘all suspicious’ at the end.
[she would bow to him, she knows,] Don’t need the ‘she knows’ there.
The main thing I would suggest is to watch out for words you don’t need. If they don’t add anything, cut them. It will really help the pacing and flow. And show, don’t tell. Things don’t need to be spelled out for the reader if you show them effectively.
The plot seems interesting, and I’m eager to see how it pans out. Was a bit surprised when he said pirates of the air, kind of threw me because I was trying to work out what he meant. It feels at the moment like a typical fantasy setting, as in old, medieval, that sort of thing, but maybe not? If it’s not, you may want to add in a few more hints about that. But yeah, a very interesting idea and the characters – especially in the first part – are very interesting. The only thing I will say is try to make sure things don’t get too clichéd. Kyrian seems a little too Jack Sparrow, so maybe try to make him a little more unique, make him stand out a bit more from other pirates the reader would be familiar with. Good luck!

I love the concept behind this! A pirate working with the navy and a mermaid walking on land. Kyrian's dialogue is witty, while Brielle is pitiable in so many ways. The chapter lengths are a little short for my taste, but I digress. You have shown your readers glimpses of your characters and their tribulations, but I'm afraid glimpses are sometimes not enough. Brielle is enough to earn sympathy with her rotted teeth and her painful transformations, but Kyrian needs some more depth in my opinion. Your grammar, from what I have seen thus far, is sound. Good luck and good writing!

Well, I did not see that coming. (Though, in all honesty I probably should of.) She got exactly what she asked for. I still feel sorry for her though, she should have listened to her mother. So she'll never see again? Well unless something interesting happens. I wonder who has stumbled upon her? Even if she can't see, she can probably still defend herself, right?

Hmm, how many of the townspeople are going to take Kyrian seriously and leave or are going to act like the major and think it's a joke?

A few notes,
-'Kyrian jumps ships(I think this needs to be singular) before they are even fully docked, Sel and two others hot on his heels as he walks towards the soggy, didilapidated(dilapidated) buildings.'
-'They come upon two watchmen who are armed with not(h)ing more than clubs, both of them as soggy as the buildings. '
-'He hears the two crew members he brought with him race away along with the watchmen, fully aware of Kyrain's goals.'

Can't wait for more! :)

My goodness, the present tense third person combo! Bravo on your stylistic decision. I love Kyrian thus far—he's lovable as a character and it's been established that he esteems himself in observational skills. Characters of his nature are far and few in between, but people in reality number so many in this regard. What you've done is you've created a human being, which I find in itself impressive. However, you should trust your skill in dialogue a little more. I can see the balancing act that you're attempting to pull off, and I believe that some of the narrative is unnecessary. Don't give everything away—allow it to be revealed through dialogue unless your character is alone or making a decision. Never allow narrative to dominate dialogue.

A couple of grammatical pointers: Replace "verble" with "verbal," use fewer adverbs. "The King's cheery mood only increases at her action and he smiles back, all pearly white teeth and blue eyes crinkling at the corners." This here is a bit of an awkward sentence, beginning with "increases at her action." Another awkward sentence: "Most days, it takes every fiber of her being to hold herself back from attacking him and reopening the throne for anyone who wants it." You begin with more lofty diction before ending the sentence with lower diction. It's a little too wordy, too. Replace "hold herself back" with "restrain." "Reopening" in this context doesn't seem to fit.

Despite these numerous suggestions, your story's beginning was successful. You've introduced a fantastical realm with wonderful language, rich descriptions, and interesting characters. Good luck and good writing!

couple things:
i would really, REALLY consider dedicating whole chapters to each of the characters instead of having them alternative several times in the same chapter. its like smacking the reader in the face when we change POV so quickly and several times in the span of 1000 words. we cant really get attached to either kyrian or brielle because they keep switching so quickly

[Although why Rhadar chose Kyrian to be the commander of a rebel Navy made entirely out of pirates that don't like rules, Kyrian will never understand.] - Drop the "Although" at the beginning. You don't need it.

[All of the other pirate captains are older and more experienced than he is, and all are far more better with a gun and a cutlass than he is.] - "far more better" is incorrect grammar. Either drop the "more" and just say "far better" or change "better" to something like "experienced" or "seasoned" so that it reads "far more experienced" or "far more seasoned." Savvy? XD (#pirateslang)

[But at least he has Sel to watch his back.] - :/ You keep using all these transition words to start paragraphs. Drop the "But," you don't need it. Trim, trim. No flabby stories here (except my own of course, ahhh such a hypocrite).

["I can't."

"And why not?"

"We're docked in a desert, Captain. No ports for miles."

Kyrian sits in silence for a few moments. Despite his brooding just moments before, he had forgotten his current location.

"Always the voice of reason, aren't you?"

"Someone has to be."] - I absolutely loved this little bit of banter. Great piece of dialogue here, really well done. Made me chuckle.

I really like the idea that the merpeople can change their bodies to be suitable for dry land. Can they do this indefinitely? Are they more amphibious than aquatic? Or is it just Brielle who can do this? Either way, nice, original idea. I can't say that I have read too many stories concerning merpeople in general, but amphibious merpeople is definitely a characteristic that I have never before seen or heard of. Good ingenuity. Very refreshing. I want to be an amphibious merperson.

[Now, though, the process just {left} a foul taste in her mouth and an ache in her head.] - Tense issue. "left" should be "leaves."

I like your realism about how difficult it is for her to walk after swimming for so long and also how tender her skin is after so long underwater. Details like this make me happy.

[But, of course, money talks and he listens.] - I have no critique for this, I just like the line. Good writing.

Good Chapter! I really enjoyed it. I am interested to see what happens when the action is finally started and what impact Brielle will have on anything. I am curious, also, to see if she is as good a fighter on land as she is supposed to be beneath the waves. I will have to read on to find out.

Sharing some RH love.

Best of luck, as always, to you and your writing,

-Infected

Very interesting.

I like the constant change in point-of-view. I just know those two have to meet at some point and can't wait to find out how.

I also like the characters. You make them very believable.

Just a few things,

1- 'None of them speak during the voyage back, all aware that if they were caught by the Navy even then that(unnecessary) they wouldn't stand a chance.'

"Ta where are we sailing to, Cap'n?" It's not necessary to have both 'to's', it ends up sounding redundant.

3- 'He can feel the sweat forming on his head an(d) in his hair beneath his hat.'

'Rhadar sits at the stupid oak table, a hearty breakfast of bacon and eggs and sausages spreak(spread?) out in front of him.'

'They are a lovely piece of craftsmanship worty(worthy) of being in the most noble of houses, I must say."'

It's a very good story so far. I can't wait to see what happens next.

I admit that, at first, I got a very Pirates of the Caribbean vibe from this story, but it's quickly gaining a depth of its own in political upheaval that I look forward to reading. I haven't gotten to see Kyrian and Brielle interact yet, but I'm already bouncing in my seat, eager to see it happen - which is, in part, why this review is a bit rushed, since I want to start reading the next chapter.

Of all the characters, I admit that Sel is the one that grew on me the most this chapter, even though he barely has any lines. It's just that he and Kyrian have such a wonderful dynamic going - cuckoo cloudlander captain and his down-to-earth first mate. Comedy gold.

As a whole, though, this chapter felt like it was still setting things up, so its pacing seemed a little slow. The witty conversation and the lovable characters still make it a great read, but I got the sense that nothing really happened in this chapter. The scene where Kyrian and Rhadar discuss battle plans seems to stop just short of actually making any battle plans. The scene with Brielle at the end seems to stop short of her actually learning in important information. It's really just a nitpick - and probably my own impatience to read more of the story talking - but I feel like this chapter could have advanced further than it did.

There were a few grammar blips, but I got the feeling that most of those were stylistic and intentional. I'm pretty sure that the sentence with '...doesn't look the part of a King at all; in Kyrian's opinion, at least.' should switch out the semicolon for a comma though. Also, the part 'Ironic, Kyrian thinks. The only way this could possibly end is in a bloodbath.' Ironic means for something to be the opposite of what is expected, so it seems a little odd for Kyrian to find the scene ironic when he expects bloodshed.

Other than that though, I didn't really find anything else to pick on. Hope this review was helpful!

This story has an interesting premise, but I had to do a lot of thinking to figure out what it was. I like a good surprise while I'm reading, but something was a bit off about this chapter. Maybe it's because I'm not a fan on present tense stories. They always seem jerky to me, and don't offer a lot of background. I like the idea of surface kingdoms and sea kingdoms and pirates and merfolk, but I like to know about them before halfway through the chapter. A lot of this chapter seemed to appear at random from out of left field. I'm still not sure what is going on in this world.

That being said, I still think this story is a good idea. I'm just having a little trouble seeing this universe. Keep at it!

At first i was caught off guard by the present tense, but i soon got used to it.
I'm a sucker for pirate stories, so this was an amazing read for me.
Keep up thegreat work!

The story has a ton of detail mixed into it, which is good, but you could use some more plot advancement in order to keep the readers engaged in the story more. Also, near the end of the story you switch abruptly from one person's point of view to another persons with almost no foreshadowing. the grammar and spelling is fine and the story is overall okay, even if the plot moves slowly.

I can see this happening in the future.

"I thought we were just going for rum!?"
"Are you surprised that I lied, I'm a pirate after all!"

Hehehe.

Brielle and the old crone's offer to change things...tsk tsk tsk...I'm sensing a Little Mermaid-esque thing on the horizon

Great stuff!

Alright, a pretty good chapter! I like how you introduce a new character for Kyrian's crew and everything, and I also like how you show a bit of history with him when he was a teenager and reflecting back on his life choices. Also not hating the rum bit the two of them had XD

Brielle's transformation is pretty good as well. I use similar things in my own universe, but I never really THOUGHT of how they would feel during it, like throwing up or if it'd be painful. That's a good idea you've used, good insight and everything. Also like the bit with her kid's history adhering to the myths of mermaids being violent and dragging men to their deaths.

Points of awesomeness for the whole chapter!

This sounds awesome. Can't wait to read the rest. :D

Ok, I almost never read present tense, and I don't think I've ever read a story with action scenes (like the gun being pointed at him) so it's a bit different for me.

The introduction didn't hook me and I was a bit thrown off by present tense, I would have possibly cut out the pub description and started with him walking into the room as I found that more interesting. It's important to provide information like setting, but you could've added that he was in a pub a few seconds after that.

"scourge of the sea" - If he is referred to as this it should be "Scourge of the Sea" because it is a title.

When it hints at him being a pirate I'm excited, and when I found out he is I'm excited even more. I love pirate stories, so now I'm at the point where I'm looking to see if I get excited about the characters and the plot.

"Captain Crescent?" A man sits in the corner on a chair, the light from the brazier not quite reaching him.

I like this above sentence and the following because it lets us know he has a scar through dialogue, and not in a bland way such as, he had a scar shaped like a crescent moon on his face.

from the curve of the shoulder that he can see he knows that this man holds himself in high esteem.

I also enjoy this description, how he uses body language to describe the man.

So I see the plot is that there is a rebellion and a pirate has been selected to lead the Navy. I think this is interesting, and I want to read to see how it works out.

I really like Brielle. I want to know more about her past, and having to kill her parents. I can tell she's going to have an interesting backstory.

I like a lot of things about this chapter. Firstly, you introduced two characters of the story, which I think is good. I feel like a lot of people bog the first chapter down with lots of characters and names.

Also, I feel like I got a good sense of them in the introduction, which makes me want to read on because I already like them. There was enough about both characters to give me a good sense of who they are.

I like that you showed both sides of the plot. The pirate captain and the woman who is going to be stopping him. You also introduced just the right amount of plot. There's not so much that I'm overfilled with many ideas at once, but at the same time I get a sense of the plot.

Lastly, I thought it ended well. It ended in a way that provides closure yet gives us a hint of what is to come if we keep reading, because Brielle accepted her duty.

Care