|Reviews for Coroni's story: From Zero to hero|
| littlemisslibrarian 3/18/13 . chapter 10
Nice ending! I enjoyed this story. It was fast-paced and had a good plot, and it answered a lot of questions. Your writing skills are really improving!
| littlemisslibrarian 3/18/13 . chapter 9
"He didn't speak his face." That line was confusing. You might want to reword it.
"By golly" - why not replace the word "golly" with the name of whatever diety he believes in? Or something like "by my laser" or whatever is important to him.
"Nice purse." I laughed out loud!
The last part of the chapter was my favorite, though the chapter itself seemed a bit rushed.
You're getting a lot better with the detail. That was an interesting plot twist, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.
| littlemisslibrarian 3/11/13 . chapter 8
Please don't capitalize "he" unless you're starting a sentence with it or talking about God. That seems borderline blasphemous.
Also, "haste" should be "hasty."
And the "Man did they..." comments sound too casual for the scene.
Interesting plot twist! It was funny when Coroni said "Well, then I better run for my life!"
| Guest 3/8/13 . chapter 6
Well I already told you what I thought in school. I almost cried when Rosie died, but you knew that already. I can't think of anything to say that I didn't tell you in school.
| littlemisslibrarian 3/8/13 . chapter 7
Good job with the detail. I especially like the cliffhanger ending. Very suspenseful. But something bugs me: Coroni is a kit at the time, right? He has a pretty advanced vocabulary for his age.
| littlemisslibrarian 3/8/13 . chapter 6
I already told you what I think in school. Your writing style has definitely improved.
| littlemisslibrarian 3/3/13 . chapter 5
The random laser lying around doesn't seem to make sense. Why don't you explain how it got there? That would give it more significance.
Also, Francis? That name doesn't sound very... villainous! LOL
This chapter was short but interesting. I'm looking forward to reading the next one!
| littlemisslibrarian 2/27/13 . chapter 4
Show, don't tell. There's not a lot of detail in this chapter. But that was an interesting scene. Nice cliffhanger at the end; I wonder if that centaur that's still mad at Rosie will cause problems in the future.
| littlemisslibrarian 2/26/13 . chapter 3
"Square in the chest may I add." That sentence messes with the mood of the scene; it sounds too casual.
"visably" should be "visibly."
You don't need to use the past perfect tense (had verb). You've already established that this all happened in the past, so regular past tense is fine. And switching between verb tenses distances a reader from the story.
Overall great chapter; I almost cried when Coroni and Reuben were talking before their parents split up. And the fact that his words reached his brother at the last moment... You did a great job capturing the emotion!
| littlemisslibrarian 2/25/13 . chapter 2
Cat's In The Cradle reference! LOL
Now I actually feel sorry for Reuben! Bentley is an arse... I should know.
Speaking of... you did a good job with Bentley's character, and you even made him more evil than I did!
I would like to know how someone can be brainwashed in a few hours. I did some research when I was writing Underground, and apparently the process takes at least a few weeks.
| littlemisslibrarian 2/24/13 . chapter 1
Nice introduction! I'm looking forward to reading the whole story.
Underground Base is actually LELA Headquarters. Also, try to keep to one verb tense. You jumped back and forth between past and present in the first two lines.