|Reviews for Danger (Destiny Chronicles 1)|
| Guest 4/30/13 . chapter 11
I thought this book was FANTASTIC!
The only thing I found that I could slightly critic was that in chapter nine in one occasion you got Gem and Ruby mixed up.
I REALLY enjoyed reading this story and I will be eagerly waiting on an update!
PLEASE WRITE MORE!
| Guest 4/29/13 . chapter 11
Are there any more Toravis or is there just Ajairu. Because when you said that the Toravis ate lots of Albyns friends. Where have the rest of them gone!
| Guest 4/29/13 . chapter 9
I think this book is very good so far. I like how Mitchell meets quite a few characters throughout the story.
All of the monsters have a very fascinating description and the description plants a picture of the monster in your mind.
| Guest 4/28/13 . chapter 4
I like that you put in some more characters. They make you wonder even more about what will happen next.
| Guest 4/28/13 . chapter 2
I really enjoyed the first chapter. I feel like I just have to read on!
| Guest 4/21/13 . chapter 11
Great start. really enjoyed it cant wait to hear what happens next please write more it is really good. Hard to find something to critic but maybe we should get more involved with Ajairus back round and family. Also hear what Arryn family and friends did after they were freed. REALLY GOOD PLEASE WRITE MORE WILL READ MORE STRAIGHT AWAY.
| Guest 4/21/13 . chapter 5
good story would be better with more creative and realistic names for rsyu and kyr. Also could use some back round on these powers.
| Guest 4/21/13 . chapter 2
good book might need a bit more back round of the boy
| Wolf Spirite 3/5/13 . chapter 10
o-o Scary. I really have nothing other to say, except I think the Toravis is awesome. :D
| Wolf Spirite 3/5/13 . chapter 8
Very interesting... I like the Rysu idea and everything, it really good. Update update update!
| Wolf Spirite 3/3/13 . chapter 5
Aww... Are there only going to be ten chapters? That's pretty short if you want to get this published. Anyways, good story so far! I'll be waiting for the next update.
| burlap 3/2/13 . chapter 1
This is an intriguing, attention grabbing start.
A few things, though:
"five black, robed men" -no comma is necessary.
"and yet, wraith-like" -no comma is necessary here, either.
" Suddenly they started" -a comma is needed between "suddenly" and "they"
"felt confused, there was something" -in this case, a semicolon should likely be used instead of a comma.
You also seem to be doing way more telling than you do showing description-wise. Also, there are a couple of lengthy sentences that could be chopped up into smaller sentences in order to improve sentence flow.
| Nullbound 3/1/13 . chapter 3
Okay... my comment on this story is that it showed an interesting premise, and that the chapters you've posted (up to now) seems more of a prologue in itself. Since you've mentioned that the character development will commence soon, I'll be curiously waiting to know more about your world.
Storyline and narration: So far, the storyline was ambiguous; the key personality that this boy had was curiosity, but that was it. There was an event going on, which was a good eye-catcher, but no or little plot to keep at it. Again, as you said, maybe all that will be cleared when the next chapter/s are uploaded, and if it/they complement the previous chapters well, you've challengingly constructed a fascinating story. The narration was well-done, with no breaks in flow, and kept up to a good, slow and steady pace. The fighting scene was pretty neat, and had self-explained the actions. I like the creature description, by the way, and I'm pretty sure that you'll emulate that same method of description on to the characters for clarity.
Any mistakes? I've noticed just one: "He figured that if this thing can eat them, then surely I can too." (Chapter 1, 2nd line from the bottom); I think you meant: "He figured that if this thing can eat them, then surely HE can too." Replace the first-person "I" with the "third-person" HE. If we were to assume that this part of the sentence was the boy's thoughts, make sure that it's italicized. Either way could work, although I recommend the first suggestion. Other than that, I see no additional errors, grammar-wise or miscellaneous.
The story IS decent, I'll give you that as assurance. And your story build-up will hopefully reach a tale worth reading; it all depends on the next chapters, I guess.