Telephone pole hair :D

Jarret's misuse of au pair bugs me so much...

"He used too have Violet visit him- Violet was my daughter until, uh, I was arrested. I had taken her as my own because she's an orphan, but now she has a real family." He wiped his eyes quickly before resuming. "She used to leave him flowers until I took her in. He talked about her to me when we first met, but I never knew anything besides that. What a poor soul he is. He almost seems normal at times, as if he's not mad..."

GURL TYPO.

gugh why must u give me chrisonica u know jarronica 5evr

PLOT TWIST!

Oh, God, I was not expecting that! Brilliant way to work it in, though. I'm curious now as to what the Mayor (or Dad... Poor kid) will do. And Paul. And Roderick. Basically, if you don't continue this, I will stalk you until you do. Keep up the good work!

I'm rather interested now... The last line will definitely be foreshadowing, I can tell. I'm excited now, and rather scared for Veronica-Mae. Something tells me the government will get to (or maybe even kill) Jarrett. Im interested to see what will ensue from the visit!

Like this chapter! I think it's good how some of the characters are starting to meet now. I was a bit confused about why Jarrett would have straight out said that Emily wasn't real, since madmen would usually not confess to their delusions. It was an interesting idea to have his journal being taken away, though. Also, Veronica-Mae and Chris' conversation seemed a bit more awkward than I would have expected, but it was a good introduction to each other. They seem to be very similar, so it's a good idea to have them as friends.

That was interesting. I feel for the bad coffee and eggs, the description was wonderful.
I wonder what Bianchi's place will be in all this. Is he going to help Roderick escape? He seems like a nice guy helping him find out about Violet, sort of siding with him on helping people. He does work for the government though, maybe he could be their inside man?
I thought he might be Chris in disguise, lol. That would have been kinda neat, but how would he have managed that? He would probably have gotten himself in trouble with the government being what it is.
I like the exchange between Chris and Roderick, everyone is starting to meet each other, you can see the wheels turning and the plot beginning. Isn't anyone watching them though? I feel like maybe Chris should watch what he says or the government will be keeping an eye on him too, or maybe that's the point?
Can't wait for more.

Best chapter yet! I feel so sorry for Roderick, the poor guy. He knew what he was doing was illegal, but it just hit him that it made him a criminal? And what's happened to Violet? I sure hope she's alright.
What's up with the mayor and president. Like that isn't creepy, talking about Jarrett and Roderick like they have some sort of secret agenda. They probably do.
Jarrett's writing obscene short stories? I find myself wanting to read them, lol.
Ahh, Chris, do you think everyone follows you around? lol, He's so paranoid, it's humorous.
I like Veronica, she has this secret rebel personality. I like her bracelet by the way, I wish they had actual things like that. And her and Jarrett? That was cute. :)

So we get to meet the waitress, now they all need to meet...
I like her, she seems nice. A hard worker that's under appreciated, sounds like so many people I know so I can sympathize.
I'm also starting to like Chris, though I think his curiosity is going to get him in trouble. He seems nice though, which is a trait we hadn't gotten to see much.
I am curious about you placement of the entries though. Does Christopher have the books at the diner? In that case wouldn't it be better to have his entry first, then Veronica's? Or is it a different book he's reading and he's going back to the diner? They do have a later date... Can he read German?
Great job so far!

Oh god, how did they find out about Roderick and Violet? I was hoping they wouldn't get found out but I guess that wouldn't really make for a good story.

I really think the journal entry is starting to work. The first chapter was a bit iffy, with the seemingly forced writing of Christopher and the second was better with the more thought out nature of Roderick's. This one contrasts all three characters and shows the same event from three different perspectives. It's wonderful. That being said, I like Jarrett's entries. He starts off seeming sane, then it's like oh look spider, now I'm going to count my hairs. It's almost comedic in a sad somewhat dark way. I like him though, I wonder what drove him to this semi-madness.

I also like the inclusion of the letter. It hints that perhaps Knapp is connected to the Mayor or maybe he's just concerned on what Knapp remembers from hacking the system?

Good job!

Love the last two chapters :) They were really fun to read. There were a few times where I saw some small mistakes (wrong tense, missing word, etc.), but not very many. Can't wait for you to update!

Hmm, I like this chapter more than the last. Most likely because I like Roderick and Violet more than Christopher. Chris seems like he's the one that will get everyone in trouble, sticking his nose where it doesn't belong like the typical young person. Maybe he'll get Roderick and little Violet caught. Roderick on the other hand, seems like such a nice guy, taking in a orphan girl and trying to help people even if it is illegal.
I'm curious about this Jarrett fellow. Why is he in the asylum? How is he going to get out? Surely he is going to if he's the madman that's going to help your ragtag group bring down the government.
This chapter also seems to be better written, more thought out. Less of a day to day retelling journal entry that was a bit uh, predictable? I also like the cliffhanger. Those are always good, even if it leaves me screaming in irritation.
Good job! Got to go find out what happens next!

Well, this is certainly interesting. Certainly different from anything else I'm currently reading.
I like the journal direction you’re taking. It’s a great way to incorporate the first person point of view, which personally I've never been a fan of. The protagonist usually comes across as immature usually through the writing, so, I would be wary of your choice in words. So far it doesn't look like a problem you'll have to deal with. On the other hand, some parts don't sound much like journal entires. They sound like your typical FPPOV story telling, I'm not an expert on journal writing, but I would think one would normal write from an overall perspective thinking back on what happened instead of taking a storytelling approach. But that's just me.
I don't see much of a hook in the first chapter alone, though the summary is enough to keep me interested. I like the idea of a bunch of mis-fits trying to over-throw a corrupt government.
Christopher comes off as a bit paranoid and it seems like he's looking into the guy a little to closely as if he's the stalker. But I think we've all done that at times, someone says (or does) something to us that seems a bit odd and suddenly they seem to be everywhere? When in reality we just never noticed them before.
Anyway, I noticed that you mentioned Chris buys an apartment, not that I'm saying that isn't likely for his age and salary. Maybe. But wouldn't it be more likely he is renting one? Then you mention him spending his money on a house. That is a big difference.
Good job, so far. I can see this story has promise!

Interesting chapter! I feel bad for Hirsch now. I also have sympathy for Violet; you should include something about her in the next chapter (i.e., Chris or Veronica Mae finds her, maybe?). I like how the story's going so far, there are very few dull moments, if any. The characters are developed very well, and the plot is both interesting and is a possible situation in the future. Would they allow Hirsch to keep his journal while he is imprisoned, though? It may be a way for him to write down plans, and, noting from the government, they might check it to see what exactly he's writing. But, other than that, brilliant story! Keep it up!

Really like this story. You've built up each character, giving them each a distintive personality but also showing that whether they realize it or not they all have something in common, A distrust of authority and a desire for a beter life. They obviously are destined to be brought together. I found Veronica-mae the most interesting. Her innocence and "go with the flow" outside pesonality masks a more "radical in training" inner personality.

I like the journal concept but seems some of the characters would try to be a little more careful in expressing feelings they fear will be exposed. And Hirsch seemed a little too mechanical with Violent when he was arrested, just acepting she must be with the police. I would of expected he would be more emotional in trying to be sure his adopted daughter is taken care of and plead to be released in order to take care of her.

Otherwise, a very disturbing view of a future that could easily be.

Powell's mind is a paranoid and distracted place, I must say. Just a few grammatical corrections:

"Anyway, I bought a box of chocolate for my mom and took some of my own money out for my dad so he wouldn't feel left out. Since I spent my money of a house, I'm still saving up for a car, and this left me forced to take the bus. Ugh.

Wearing a red tie to look somewhat celebrant, I left my apartment, shuffled down the stairs and slipped out of the building."

"Since I spent my money ON a house…", take the "and" and put it in front of "I'm still saving up for a car…"

"Wearing a tie to look somewhat celebrant…" It sounds a little odd in that context, but it works I suppose. Just don't start the sentence with "Wearing." Start it with "I decided to wear." Did Powell leave the apartment BEFORE shuffling down the stairs and slipping out of the building? If not, take that out. You have an intriguing basis for a story, but I also need proof that the government's an awful, controlling, and corrupt entity. Good luck and good writing!