|Reviews for The Perfect Soldier|
| briva2 8/29/12 . chapter 13
Great action story m8,
love the feelings,
| wwyki 5/23/12 . chapter 1
love this story the characters the deatail the stroy line and the title of the story!
man if i was a publisher this would have been on the shelfs a long time ago.
and i have a litle bit of luck here since someone is so amazing can you reveiw my story and possibly give some feed back for improvement or good thing in the story :)
Mate but this story has nothing wrong with and you shall cary on!
| Stephen 'Arion' Downey 12/2/09 . chapter 13
Great Story! i loved it! Going to read your other as well!
| Indicates 5/6/09 . chapter 1
I don't mind this story at all. It has its nice moments, but I wish you could someday go back and edit it, as it really needs to be structured better.
The prologue could at best be either done without or have its own seperate chapter. It doesn't really tell me much other than the very basics.
Word structure at times is shaky. You use different words that have different meanings than the ones you obviously would rather use ('mourning' when it should be 'morning', etc), but most of the time you're missing words or missing letters to finish a complete word.
The POV of the main character sounds more like a basic third-person narrative and even narrates things that sound extremely silly if I were to say it in my head. A good example of this would be when he's describing his teammates; he's giving us their height, hair color and eye color. IS this something you narrate to yourself? It's best if it was worked into the story quite casually rather than all out at once, with small hints here and there to remind the reader that a certain character has green eyes or reddish brown hair.
The last bit of critique would be to at least do some research into this topic. Not only do 'super soldiers' have to have good stamina and skills with guns, they also need to know math, have good psychological records, stuff like that. I also find the fact that their commander just says 'you know what to do; assemble into teams and head out'...a real commander won't do that. He needs to give an objective and plans for the soldiers to meet. At times, I don't even get the vibe of these kids being soldiers-most of the time they feel like kids wandering into a battlefield wearing their parents' castoffs.
It's still an engaging story and I really like it. If it could be tweaked, it would be even better.
| AneeDegoraRose 3/5/06 . chapter 13
Woah! That has got to be one of the most forceful stories I've read, just wow, it keeps you on your toes, well written and so much detail! I loved reding that and could hardly tear myself away from it.. I so want to became someone involved in that side of the army *smiles*.. And paintballing warfare.. wow I want to do that for my birthday now.. Damn you for influencing me! Just amazing story! Be proud.. and how did you get all the detail and everything, just amazing!
| Jake Manning 2/14/06 . chapter 3
Hey, i like your book so far but id jsut liek to point out a few things 1) you spell minute wrong (minuet)and 2)I play paintball and ive never heard of a paintball gun that shoots a paintball at several thousand feet per second (the standard around here is around 350 fps)i dont know if thats jsut for the book i jsut fou8nd it kinda odd its a great story so far keep up the good work :D
| kamui-kun 10/12/04 . chapter 13
Oh lookie! Last chapter of Perfect Soldier I! Never thought that I would eventually get to it. And also I'm quite surprised to find that this is the shortest chapter in your story. I thought that maybe you would add one more final ultimate battle between Lance's unit and the Eclipse organization. And not to see one of your trademark detailed action scenes here at the end is kinda spooky!
Yey! Everybody's alive! Somehow... I have a few mixed feelings about this one. Sure, I'm glad that all your main characters seemed to have made it out alive, but without even a single casualty on their side from all of these campaigns seems kinda unbelievable. I actually thought that some of those soldiers without names would die, guess I was wrong.
I can't believe that they're already disbanding the program just like that! There's just so many things that have to be done, and now without the help of Lance's all star unit I think that they would remain to be undone (that is until Perfect Soldier II). Who's behind the Eclipse organization? Why Jody of all people? lots of questions that still have to be answered. I hope that they'll be resolved in the sequels.
Haha! And what a great way to end the book! Personally, I think that reusing the diving in the water scene was very dramatic indeed, coupled with those cheering and also Lance's final monologue. Very well conceived final scene. Couldn't think of any other way to end it by. "Today was also the last day I would be a normal kid" - this I found very sad cause Lance was never a normal kid and to think that his war filled life was anywhere close to normal makes me feel so depressed about him.
Well, after reading it all I think it was a good first story! Sure there may be a few areas where you could improve on, but I always expect that, especially in FP. Anyway, maybe some suggestions for PSII (Ha! Great name for Perfect Soldier, ne?).
1. Friends and enemies that could really give Lance a run for his money as well as his title for perfect soldier.
2. Little more characterization of cast aside from Lance.
3. A deeper love angle? - very, very, very optional. Just something that would be a plus for me as a reader.
Well, that's about it. Perfect Soldier II or your other story? I'll think about it... See ya!
| kamui-kun 10/8/04 . chapter 12
Whew! First of all, sorry for the very late review! With the job searching and the graduation rehersals these past weeks, I had to compromise my reading time. And what a time for that to happen since I think this was the longest chapter that you've released of Perfect Soldier. Once again, splendid fight scenes! Lance once again proves why he's the "Perfect Soldier". Great gun battles, car chase scenes and hand to hand combat scenes as well.
Okay... enter Jody's character. I'm still baffled as why this woman seems to be so important to the Eclipse organization. His family seems to be normal enough... maybe she has something to do with that nuclear scientist you revealed a while back. Anyway, it's nice that Lance and Pat (Yey! He's back!) decided to get her. Question: shouldn't they take Jody's parents as well? Cause if the terrorists got hold of them then they could use them as bait to lure Jody back to them. And I don't think Eclipse could miss such a huge opportunity.
Ah... now I see why you called this Deja Vu. Haha! I guess these kids (except for Lance that is) hasn't learned from past mistakes. Although I don't completely agree with Lance to meet up at Cyberdelia since the place could be swarming with people and the last thing that I would want as a soldier is some innocent victims. Lucky for them the place was completely abandoned.
Um... I'm a little confused whether to consider Lance as a reluctant or a willing leader. When he said "I never volunteered for this" to Scot upon entering Cyberdelia I thought that it was kinda contradictory to his strong character. But maybe I misunderstood it.
And how did the terrorist sneak up on em? I thought Lance would send someone to take Scott's place on the lookout? Did the new sentry fall asleep? Oh well, I guess it's good to have Lance to warn him with his keen "spider senses" ). Ohh... lots of injuries here in the end.
Hm... well that's the second to the last one. I'll try to catch the last chappie of Perfect Soldier next week after things get light over here. Keep it up!
| kamui-kun 9/27/04 . chapter 11
Oh great chapter! First of all, the fight scenes were once again very detailed and very descriptive just as always. Secondly, I must say that I love the plot development, especially with Lance's character. All those revelations are very interesting and gives a different and deeper perspective to your work. Plus, the little question that you left us with the identity of the redhead was pretty interesting. Gotta keep her in mind.
Ah ok so Lance's amnesia wasn't actually the result of the events in the semi-prologue you created in the beginning. Hm... interesting. That's a good moral lesson you placed here! A child is still a child and therefore should be treated as one. You never know what might happen when he overexerts himself, just like the near catastrophic psychological collapse of Lance.
Okay, aside from the usual proofreading and spelling check, I have two suggestion. I really do suggest that you split this chapter three different pieces 'cause I think that there are three major ideas here that you gave equal importance to. I think that Lance's character revelation, the training program, and the assassination attempt should each have their own chapters and wouldn't really fit under the "South American Adventure" title of the chapter.
Also, to a lesser extent, maybe stress more on the emotions of Craiger and Lance during the revelation of Lance's past just to add a little bit more drama and emotions. Not really necessary, but it would make the scene more powerful.
All in all, good work! Keep it up!
| kamui-kun 9/22/04 . chapter 10
Great chapter! Well, once again your action scenes is very descriptive and very detailed! And your imagery is also astounding as well. The balance between the relaxation and the battle scenes was perfect. Plus, you ended this chapter perfectly with that nasty cliffhanger. It just leaves the reader wanting more! Terrific addition. Personally, I think this is the best one yet among all that I've read from your work. )
Now this is a terrific relaxation episode 'cause aside from providing a slight detour from all the action scenes, it also shows something new and interesting. Sure, I enjoy the sneaking out and the arcade parts, but I'm more intrigued by this Dylan person. He's very different from the other trainees, cause I think that he's the only one among them that actually holds a bit of animosity towards Lance. And because of that, I'm thinking that this might lead to some wonderful future conflicts when they finally grow up. Terrific. On a unrelated note, I'm now having this urge to play a round of Time Crisis. )
And the fight scenes offered something new as well. Now that's a stab to the ego. Some sort of Chinaman kicking these marines asses - you don't see that very often. Kinda reminded me of Jet Li when he kicked Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 4... and that was one of my favorite action sequences. Too bad that the kung fu artist had to die from a sniper shot, though. I was actually expecting Lance to get some retribution. ) Oh well, I guess that would have to do.
And what an ending! I just knew that girls would be Lance's weak spot. Hm... another female redhead... kinda seems pretty familiar... Anyway, terrific description of Lance's feelings before passing out! Just proves that even Mr. MVP's not immortal or perfect. And now it seems the Eclipse are getting smarter and smarter by the moment.
Cool installment. No real complaints apart from the usual spelling check. Keep it up!
| kamui-kun 9/20/04 . chapter 9
Ah... I love these breaks in between action scenes. Gives time for the readers to reflect on what's happening and also what they could expect from the near future. And it's good to see that your characters are not all that invincible, seeing as they still need hospital treatment and time to heal their wounds. Good work. Personally, I love the segment wherein they were watching the news reports on TV and admiring their work. Maybe you could make the break part another chapter apart from the skiing resort thing.
Ah... so that's what this Eclipse organization is after! Anthony William and the H project, eh? This does add a whole new dimension to your story. Hm... guess that bomb really are the biggest foes in the world today. Nice work! Now we're seeing a sharper picture and a deeper understanding of the enemy.
Well, once again, great action scenes. I guess you're pretty tired of hearing me say that. Love that skiing scenes and the snowmobile fight. Gives a little bit of diversity, which is always good! But my biggest concern here is the thing that they did at the end with the nuke. I dunno if blowing up a nuclear device with C4 is the right way to defuse a bomb. I'm not a nuclear physicist or anything... but I think that breaking a bomb with another bomb is kinda dangerous, isn't it?
All in all, good job. Keep it up!
| kamui-kun 9/15/04 . chapter 8
Once again, I'm truly amazed at the sheer amount of detail that you put into your fighting scenes. Your visualization and imagination of each and every one of them is really top notched. I don't think that I could ever make something as vivid as yours, even if I tried to. Nice job!
Also, it's quite good to see the other members of Lance's team joining in on the fight scenes. Sure, Matt can probably never even match up with someone as good as Lance... but at least he proved in this chapter why he's so worthy of being part of Lance's squad. Plus, it shows that not every single battle could be won by a single man. It just proves that victory is the result of a collective team effort.
Good work, as usual. Maybe a little deeper understanding in this Eclipse organization would be in order, just so that the readers could be more aware of the danger they pose to the world. Also, maybe allot one or two chapters to those recuperating scenes cause it also gives the illusion of time gaps in between battles to the readers plus it gives readers a slight pause or break from all those action scenes. Still I think this is a great addition. Keep it up!
| kamui-kun 9/11/04 . chapter 7
Man! Another mission for them? Don't these guys ever get a good break? :) I kinda feel sorry for them. It's as if their entire life is centered around war and battle and there's no time for even a few days of recreation. Even the party wasn't much a rest for them, seeing that the night after they were ambushed by those ex marines. Oh well, I guess that's the way things are for them. :) This chapter is a good addition all in all.
Okay, now the real thing that I like about this one is that it's their first real mission... and I think it was about time they saw real action. Even navy seals were no match for Lance's team so maybe they really need a real life enemy to give them some sort of challenge... especially one for Lance.
Love the briefing part, btw, although you may want to chop into smaller paragraphs that Craiger monologue wherein he describes the situation. But that's just an editing problem so no big a deal. And I love how you even describe the weapons and the equipment that they would be using. It just adds a bit more detail and makes the situation more realistic.
And, once more I adore your fight scene and the amount of effort that you placed in them. Beautiful gun fight scenes and hand to hand combat scenes from Lance's part. My only question there is wasn't their vests a bit too sturdy? Cause I think that there were parts there wherein Lance and co took hits on their chests and shoulders from some AKs or pistols or shotguns and then they just walked away without even the slightest grunt. I think even Kevlar vests would give a good bruise to any soldier. Also, you may want to describe how Lance's friends fared. It's as if Lance's doing most of the work for them and they're just there to give fire support.
All in all, good! I'll catch the next chapter when I have time. :)
| kamui-kun 9/7/04 . chapter 6
Ah... another training mission! Goody! Well, just as always, your sense of action is topnotched. Very fast paced and very vivid. I think them young military buffs would adore your work cause you infuse it with so much realism. Kinda sucks that all of this is just one big training mission at the moment, but I could just imagine how suspenseful this would look when Lance and his buddies are already doing some real life missions.
Haha... once again, Lance has lived up to his hype as the best soldier in the compound. Yeah, he's really a one of a kind character. Kudos to him for escaping the ambush... I always like when the underdogs do a number on those probably 10 times more experienced than them. )
Ah, so Pat also survived the mission, eh? Hm... I see now. From the way that you gave so much attention to him, I'm thinking that he might be a supersoldier as well... or maybe he's the supersoldier in the beginning, right? You never said who that kid was at the start so I'm figuring that his identity might have to be one of your twists. Oh well, for now it's nice to see him aboard.
Paint knives? :) Sounds cool! Do they really have those things in real life? Oh well, anyway... Pat and Lance really do make the perfect combination. I wonder if Pat would be transferred into Lance's outfit when all of this is over... or if Pat would be some sort of eternal rival in the end.
Well, all in all I think that this is a great chapter. You have great control of the action scenes. I guess my only trouble is the pacing between them. But that's just me. :) Anyways, keep it up!
Oh yeah, one last thing. Your reviews on my story are very enlightening but I feel that, as an author, I have to defend my work on some areas as well. I'll just send my opinions to your e-mail ad. That's all! And more power to your story!
| kamui-kun 9/5/04 . chapter 5
Ah... now this is better. Honestly, I was beginning to get tired of all those military training exercises and paintball matches. Seeing that these characters of yours have lives aside from warfare was a great welcome. I guess this whole chapter was a great change of pace, something that gave the readers a rest from the story as well as some time to get to know the other characters more.
Although the chapter's good in general, there were two things that I really liked. The first one, was that great bonding session between Mat and Lance. Great work there! With all those military exercises, hand to hand practices, physical and weapons training I thought that you forgot the most important thing about your story - the identity of Lance. That segmet brought everything back into focus. The mystery behind Lance's character jumped up notches after that short dialogue and now I'm dying to find out what really happened in the past and what had caused him to forget about his memory.
Next thing that I liked was, of course, the dance - Jody in particular because she provides character development that none of Lance's teammates could provide. At least now there's a female character involved and a good dash of romance is always a welcome addition to any story. Plus, she could also be used as a tool that could slowly probe into Lance's past. I dunno if you're gonna keep her in the story or if she's just a one chapter extra. I hope that you do. retain her, though. :)
Okay, just one suggestion for the moment. Since this is after all a "relax" chapter then I would suggest expounding more on the character's feelings and thoughts rather than what they had done for the day. Maybe tone down a bit with those volleyball, water football, basketball and jet ski segments and focus more on the personal conversations like the Lance/Mat scene or the Lance/Jody scene or even that Lance/Jack/Pat/Bobby scene before the water football.
But all in all, good chapter. Strong imagery and wonderful plot development. Great work!