This is good! I really like it so far. I wonder how everything is going to try in... keep up the good work!

I think your introduction to the characters is weak, and the problem is introduced before you even know the characters well. Sentences are short and predictable. Words are often shoved awkwardly into place, and the haste in which they were is apparent. You've got good intentions though, and often with very amuteur writers the ending chapters are far better then the first attempts. So keep to it, you'll improve. Hopefully.

Hey everyone, this is a great peice of literature, though I am co-writing it with scarlet, I'm probably partial. She's a great writer, look for future installments and fanfictions by her!