I like it pretty please keep writing more chapters when you have the time?

Need More! Need More!! Seriously, I wish this was continued, I'm really enjoying it. :) I need to know what happens next!!Heheh...

--Finwe

O__o EVIL CLIFFHANGERS!! >_

update! plizz this is getting fun! XD

There is alot going on in this chapter and I like that.So far it's pretty good.Please write more.

Nice chapter I like how you discrieb your characters.

Intersting I like it how you jumped right into the action.The fencing scnen was written in a good spot too.

One thing I noticed right off the bat: With nouns of address, use a comma.
Examples:
"The man said, 'It was a joke, a joke. I didn’t really mean it Sylvia.'"
There should be a comma before the "Sylvia", here.

"dieing" is spelled "dying".

"Michael was bewildered but ran anyways." Ah! "anyways" sounds sloppy and unedited. Even "anyway" does. Better just to omit the word entirely.

"... He apologized. “I’m sorry. I forgot…” He trailed off.



He said quietly,” I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…in front of you.”.."

Too many pronouns. Who are the multiple he's?

"..'…Nii-chan?' he asked quietly." Where did the Japanese diminutive suffix come from? The rest of the story is in English, and it seems a little weird to have foreign words out of context, even if it's just a suffix. I'm guessing the story doesn't take place in Japan (People named Michael and Lyle interacting with people named Hiroshi and Takeshi..hm...

Overall, it's a nice start. A few of the details could use some work, such as descriptions. Please don't try to make the shounenai hints so obvious, it's pretty much revealing. However, I like your ideas, and whatever you do, keep writing! ^_^


-Baka

[P.S. You haven't seen Gravitation by any chance, have you? Or Cutey Honey?...just checking.]

Waai~! ^-^ I really like this beginning so far. ^_^ Ano, I hope you write the next part soon...

aww cute stuff...I love shounen ai...

Wow...I expected ni-chan to be dead...what a surprise. Interesting that you give michael a western name and his brother a japanese name. Oh well ^^ Cultural diversity. You are much nicer to your characters than I am *likes to kill off entire families, rape my main character, make my submain character's lover beat the pooh pooh outta them at some point...blah I not so nice* Anyway lovin it but I'd love you even more if you angst it up a bit...ALL HAIL ANGST! Only angst can tear at peoples heart strings which is why watese is a genious. ANYWAYS I LOVE JO even if you are yunger n me ^_^ BAIZ! and like I said, wanna know bout festivals I'll give you the inside info...the ROCK!

Whoot! a bit short but cute. Ah the star festival...is this just a reference to a festival or is it quite literally referring to tanabata? Just curious if you meant the "star festival" in japan, seeing as how there is a japanese name present and all. If you are curious what its really like at the spiff festivals though drop a line. Tanabata was fun and gyon was even more fun...but really really busy. O-bon was really pretty and the dance was exhausting. I LOVE FESTIVALS! I'm rambling now. Anyways YAY! I kinda figured michael was a princy pooh...and he sounds cute too. I'm a little sad this chapter was so short though...I like long chapters...but its good its short because I have to sleep soon and I wanna read all you got. *yawn* I must read on. BAI BAI!

~Centi

hiroshi is cute, michael is cute *huggle huggle* YAY!

Look I read chappy one. Now I'm offt to read more. Anyway I sent you a psycho email, hope you got it ^^ BAIZ!

It's his brother and Lyle? Wow. Hope you update soon! I wanna know what's going on!