|Reviews for Noir 2- Politics|
| theTwilightPen 9/2/06 . chapter 4
First off: thank you for reviewing "Pound Counting 101." It was a nice change from staring at a blank review box for ions upon ions. I will look into your advice and try to learn from it for the future chapters of "PC101."
Now, to reviewing YOUR work:
I found so many similiarities between this and Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451." You have a character who is, in all technicality, a government official who is beginning to question his job, and you have a mysterious girl that somewhat makes him question the existance any more.
That is the first problem: For the first two chapters, you have a lot of dual-character development (which is fantastic. After that, however, Elizabeth more or less becomes a side-kick. And though she IS one, give more background. Why was she on the street. WHY is she who she is, innocent but wise at the same time? All questions a reader asks and yet asofar does not get an answer.
Sometimes you have thoughts that proceed after dialogue. This too is excellent, but in most cases when there is an internal blurb after speech it gets it's own psuedo-paragraph thang.
So, to sum up:
Delve more into your characters than already is evident. Delve more into the action and dialogue around them, and when a thought follows after a speech block, it gets its own paragraph.
What a nice, noir type read.
Thank you. :)