Reviews for Secrets - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Secrets

The baava Project 2005-01-17 ch 1,	abuseGreetings, Comechatcha! ^_^ I hope you are doing well this evening. Yep, I'm finally getting off my duff and returning some well-deserved reviews. Just to warn you, I like to be as helpful as possible in my comments, and I will offer constructive criticism as well as encouragement. I will not be offended in the slightest if you choose to ignore me. ^_~ In your first three lines, you use variations of the word "whisper" three times. It was once told to me, and now I'm passing it along to you, that once a word is used, avoid using it again for several paragraphs. Otherwise, and this is sad but true, your writing will become redundant. Next, I dunno if this happened when the story was uploaded, but a sentence is broken. [growing quieter as a towns lady (there's a paragraph break right here! ??) passed under our chosen perches in a tree.] This dialogue has an extra space between the opening quotation and the first word: [" It changed color last night."] [Alex then swung on his branch so that he {hung} upside-down.] ~ hung as opposed to hang - hang is the wrong verb tense. [I yelled as I sped past my brother{,} the sloth.] ~ added a comma! ^_~ Here, I'll remove a comma, and there's a space again like before: [When he finally reached the river, he took a quick glance around {} and shouted, " I finally beat Leaf-Head!"] The word finally is also used twice in one sentence . . . ["Why are there so many people searching for us{?}"] ~ a question mark for the question, instead of a period. ^_~ [Ignoring the two's orders to come back, we headed to the gate, breaking into a run once were were out of {sight.}] ~ sight, to see, as opposed to site, a place. ^_~ [Remember the masks we used on All {Hallow's} Eve last year?] Whew! Did we get through that okay? I'm done nitpicking. ^_~ Now for the good stuff. Very interesting beginning! Are these children not human? That's the impression I get. So far, the twins are extremely likable. I do hope that in later chapters you give us more detail about the setting and characters. Keep it up! ^_^ ~ LoK P.S. thank you very much for reviewing my story!
Beekeeper 2003-02-12 ch 1,	abuseHey, you! Spell Check!
nappyjello 2002-05-17 ch 1, anon.	abusewhat a weird story. it needs spelling check but that all

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