I can see why you want to rewrite this: it has a lot of potential, and all it needs is a little polishing-on-the-edges, but I respect your wish to concentrate on the new and not the old.

It's an amazing story that oozes WAFF. Not so well-written, simple and direct, but not a single cliché that'll make one groan aloud, and WOW! Is that a DECENT heroine? Single mothers seem to a pet favourite of most American writers, but you really did this one well. The characters were neatly three-dimensional: nothing special, but all of them had a character, including the Naïveté members (minus Matt— except that he's good with kids but looks scary?) and (shockingly enough) Chris. ADORED Mr. and Mrs. Felt— the latter didn't exist (at all) but the former made my mouth quirk. Jake and choking made me grin.

There's a lot of implausibility in this one; Kelly's reasons for taking Jake home were rather weak ones. That she'd give him the run of the house the second she established that he wasn't a creep— that's another.

But Jake was really a great guy— albeit one who spouts too many clichés in the end. So did the last chapter on the whole. Like a breezy car ride petering out because there's traffic on the deserted road. The fact that there WASN'T an and-they-lived-happily-ever-after kind of happy ending redeemed your story almost entirely. Nice title, too.

i dont kow, maybe you should go back and redo it a little. i felt it was kinda rushed. atleast to me

Cute. Great title. It would have been cute if Jake ended up taking Linden to the fair, or something that tied to the beginning.

Lol! yer, the time changes got me muddled up a few times!

But i LOVED it! XD the plot was awsome and the ending was totally cute! =P hehe

Great job! XD

~RL~

I think you should add more, make it longer. I mean, keep the general story line, but add more to the characters and put in more between each chapter.

Yea, just put an x or something in between the time changes- FP is so frustrating because it won't let any sort of separation come in!

Cute story.

=D Maranwe Telrunya

The sudden changes from scene to scene are confusing. You should put an x or something in between to let us know that the scene has changed. other than that, it's good. I think it would be even better if it were longer and we were able to get more into the characters

=D Maranwe Telrunya

Cute. It rushes a bit fast, but seeing as it's a short story, it's ok.

More chapters... can't wait to see what happens.

By the way, you might want to go over it and check for a few misspelled words (like "shoe" instead of "Shoo")

=D Maranwe Telrunya

The story theme had a lot of potential. I think more chapter and more details would have made it a mind blowing piece of work. Anyway, I still like it. The ending was sweet.

Very interesting. I would like to read more. How many chapters do you estimate approx for the story? Update soon =)

whimsicle ^^. It's fitting i guess the way it is, kinda short, just a short feel-good story, and readable too. i mean, alot of the storys on here are hard to follow or comprehend because of their broken style of writing, but lately i've been seeing some great stuff, yours included (and lady jenna and aridianna). check out mine if you have time, i'd love some review and criticism.
peace

that's a great story, although it could've been longer.

That was so very very cute. *big stupid grin plastered across face* you've really done an excellent job making your reader get into the story. I very much enjoyed reading it. It was very well written and you used simplicity in descriptions to your advantage. Wonderful story. At the end I was very pleased.

Very good story!! You had a believable storyline for an unlikely story. You also did very good with your characters. (To be honest it is nice to see God worked into a not fanatically religious story too! :-)) Very good, keep up the good work!

*Squeak* continue continue! *Pokes*

Carrie!
Loving this story....its really sweet and funny!!
Keep up writting!!
Ashy