Woah. This went so fast. You need to slow down. Your readers need to enjoy the story as it gets longer...we don't want you to finish it up in a few chapters. For example:

"It took days to cross over the everlasting prairie. Kevin and Trinity took that time to get to know each other."

Instead of just listing that, try explaining how they got to know each other. Put a little more dialog. It might be semi-boring but that's only if you put TOO much. A little more would be good so that we can get to know the characters.

Try explaining some more about how your characters were feeling about what happens too. And don't forget to properly introduce the characters. I was wondering who Trinity and Athar were.

Sorry for so much critique. I don't mean to be mean. I still think this has a lot of potential and I would really like to read more! Good work!

This was good. It sounds very interesting.

I would definately say you need to re-read and revise more before you post. There were quite a few errors but I bet you can easily fix them if you read through it. Also this chapter could probably have been a little longer.

All in all, I think this story has potential. It sounds interesting and I want to read more. Keep up the good work!

~*Nessa*~

i think you may have missed part of the story :P

Just one word Michi. Update!

*gathers together a giant mob of people and they all begin to chant 'Update! Update! etc'*

*sweatdrop* Yeah I need a life I know don't rub it in.

You are doing a great job with the story. There is one thing I would like to point out, but it's just my opinion.

I don't think you should rush through things so fast. Try to make the first chapter longer and add a discussion with the father, and I think they should've spent more time in the forest and perhaps someone should've gotten seriously injured from Death as well as the rose.

This is just my opionion and you don't really have to listen to me. And please don't take this the wrong way.

AJ

Ehh... Use comma's... And explain how things happen, why things happened, and make it detailed.

Hey, Awesome start to what looks to be an awesome story! Keep up the good work...

I have a suggestion: try not to change tenses in the middle of a sentance, as it is rather disconcerting to the reader.

(i.e. Terif walked into the store and goes up to the counter.) The word "goes" should be replaced by "went" etc.

That's just somthing I have learned in my experiance as an author.

Good Luck!

BenJaru

P.S. I think Trinity is an awesome name!

You did it again! Go Michi! Please continue ASAP before I tear out all my hair.