I really enjoyed your Epitaph and I wish that it wasn't ten past two in the morning here or I would read more. I will definately be back though.

Jarvais seems like a rather interesting character so I'm looking forward to more from him. Your pace is just right on this, not too fast and not bogged down on over descriptiveness.

Definitely has the hook that will draw me back.

Stoo

Hello. :)

You have an impressive library. I had a hard time deciding which of your stories to begin - and so chose the most recently updated.

Your style is very formal, which I actually like a lot (personal preference). The story is fantasy, and nothing like contemporary life, and the fact that neither the narration nor the dialogue sound contemporary is a wonderful thing. It lets me get right into your world, and to forget everything BUT your world for a while. :)

Jarvais is a fascinating character. He doesn't show much outwardly, but I think the way Fyn and Lasser behave around him - with all that respect! - speak more about him than he himself would. (I really hope that made sense.) I'm curious to know what is fueling his decision to leave his ship and return to a place that doesn't seem to hold very many happy memories for him.

I'm impressed with Vail, too. What a spitfire. She sounds like she's just about at the end of her rope, and there's justification for it. A curious state of affairs, this. Her mix of once-beautiful clothes (hinting at a girl well-off) and her grasp of fighting are an interesting mix, and I'm glad she's no blushing violet. We have enough of those in fantasy.

The idea of the tower physically reflecting a break of peoples is intriguing.

The story progresses quickly, and I like how, right up front, you're showing your readers all these different perspectives. It makes for a well-rounded, non-biased narrative, where the reader gets to know more than each single character. These types of stories are so involved, and good for curling up with a blanket to read.

And now, for the latter half of the review: the critique. :) Please keep in mind that everything I say is my opinion, and can be ignored should you wish it. I only wish to offer help as well as praise - and I wouldn't have kept reading if I didn't like what I saw.

I have to wonder at the prologue. Yeah, I'm one of those readers who tends to get a little glazed at a history recital. It's so very short, so I'm not saying it shouldn't be there - but I did find myself having to read parts of it more than once to be sure I got it. Just thought you should know. (And yeah, it's something I keep telling MYSELF too!) :)

[and a possible one-time label of "sea rouge".] ~ For something like this, a useful rule of thumb is: periods and commas always go inside the quotations.

[at the extreme edge of a cliff no more than a half-mile from the port bow.] ~ I have a question, so this isn't a nitpick. Would seafarers really use a mile as a measure? I know nothing about this.

[Captain Jarvais refocused an annoyed gaze to the approaching ship, hissing, "Laios' sweet fire," before lowering the glass once again to search the crew for a specific face.] ~ Wait a sec. Two paragraphs above is this: [He passed the glass back to Fyn.] *blushes* Am I just slow, or is this spyglass making quantum leaps?

["As son as I'm off ] ~ Typo. SOON instead of SON

["Can I plead a ride ashore?"] ~ Suggestion. Mightn't that read better as "MAY I plead a ride ashore?" It's really up to you, though. :)

[with the family crest of a boars head displayed on the chest of their tunics.] ~ Typo. Need an apostrophe: boar's.

["All of you do wrong one way or the other." He spat.] ~ Here's another small one. I know you know this rule of dialogue attribution already since it is in evidence throughout this chapter. Should be: "All of you do wrong one way or the other," he spat.

[and desperately held back the tears of lass and grief.] ~ Typo. :) LOSS instead of LASS.

[The cause still unknown.] ~ I'm not sure if you meant this sentence to be a fragment, but it's a tad jarring. My suggestion would be to sneak a "was" in there. ;)

[They only headed his instruction and warnings when reminded of his standing as Eloimeskena,] ~ Perhaps the word here should be HEEDED?

I will leave you with this, and hope I have not overwhelmed you. :) I do that sometimes, when I really get into something, and sign these embarrassingly long reviews. The work you have put into this shines through every word, every turned sentence, and it has truly been a pleasure to take a peek at the first chapter.

Yours,

the baobhansith

A relatively unique plot. With better, more specific description, this could be great. I'm interested even though I have an essay to write. I might be back to read more.

A powerful tale...

discriptions, characterizations, writing style! all outstanding! It is a story I never seen before! very original! I love it!

This is really good... I can't wait to finish it.

I just started reading this but it is very good, I look forward to new chapters.

You know, I am most intrigued. It seems that this is primarily a religious work, very near Christianity in it's particular way. Are you, in fact, a Christian? That would explain things very much. I really like this so far. It's very good, but what else would I expect from the lady who brought us Bookworms and Booya?

Hey : )
Like the story and definitely wanna read more so please, PLEASE update soon!
keep writing,
lv JoeyStar x

Wow, I really enjoyed your story. I can't believe you don't have hundreds of reviews, because this story certainly deserves them. I'm also a fan of some of your fanfiction, and hope to see more from you in the future.

I've just finished reading the whole of your story and I'm really very surprised that you haven't had more reviews.At the beginning of this story I was definately intrigued by the characters, particularly Jarvais and Drise. During these first chapters you gave the characters truly interesting depth as you showed their transformation. However, as the story progressed it seemed that you became less interested in the characters themselves as you were with them being tools for your belief in enlightenment through the power of god.

While the story did have a truly interesting plot, I found towards the end that it began to drag as you did placed such a heavy emphasis on the religion of the story.While I can appreciate your obvious dedication to your religion, I presume you are some type of Christian? I believe that if your purpose was to write a religious parable it might have even been better served by toning down some of the rhetoric of the writing. This may sound slightly harsh, though I don't mean for it to come across as such. Readers are often quite intelligent and the reiteration of a single idea within a story starts to become tiresome very quickly; especially when a story starts to sound like more like a sermon and less like a story.

This story has a lot of promise and could very easily be publishable once complete. The beginning really captures the reader's interest and has many complexities and twists that would easily maintain the reader's focus if only a few small adjustments were made.

I've read the last 9 chapters of this story with a great deal of enthusiasm. Its masterfully written, and the characterisations are detailed and lifelike.

However, as an atheist I can't really apreciate the spiritual side of the story and I think too much emphasis has been placed on it. From reading your website, I can see that you are a devout christian and I think that your own personal faith has affected the story too much. For a christian, this story would be perfect. For me, its a little too much.

flamearrows

Wow. I hate to admit it, but I'm really behind on the reviews here. I've read through Chapter Seven, but I feel I owe it to you to gie you feedback on each chapter, not just occasionally when I'm not too glued to the book to take some time to step out and write a review. I love Ris's character. You have done such a beautiful job with creating beautiful and lifelike characters, with mixes of strength and weakness. I have to say, I love Ris's romanticism. And the twist of having Jarvais come upon his friend's sister was great. Also, I was definitely curious about the men who appeared in Jarvais's room. Who are they? What are they doing? What are their objectives? And all will be revealed in time, I'm sure. But you sure give a person a good incentive to keep reading. Oh, on the constructive criticism side, I was rereading a bit of Chapter Two and noticed that near the end, Vail gets up from the platform twice, helped once by the Inspector and once by Jarvais--and since it's not said that she falls down in between, I can only assume it's a mistake. Anyway, just thought I'd let you know. Looking forward to more...as always.

Whew. Jarvais's uncertainty as to what to do--and what sacrifice is required of him--was incredible to read. The whole chapter held my interest. I love the difference between the boy Jarvais was and the man he is. What a change in character. Especially the part about how Inis would have told Vail not to cry, where Jarvais comforted her. And I am curious about the prophecy element you've introduced with Vail. The world you are developing is fantastically self-contained; different from ours and yet not entirely unlike our own. I also like the way you're handling the religion, developing it slowly so that it's not all dumped on the reader at once, but filters through the story bit by bit. Really, I have nothing but praise for this story so far. Oh, there is one thing: nearly half of Chapter Two ended up in italics, and I don't think it was supposed to be; you might want to check on that. At any rate, I'll keep reading this whenever I have time to do so.

This is fantastic. Beautifully written; I love your characters and care very much about what happens with them. I'd only intended to read one chapter today, but I had to go on and read the next one, because this leaves off in an agonizing place. Jarvais's dilemma is heart-wrenching. Beautiful!

This is excellent so far. You've really piqued my curiousity with the characters and the stories--and what a neat bunch of characters, so far! Very interesting, and deeper than just the 'type' characters one often finds in this type of writing. Plot has me intrigued so far--I am definitely looking forward to reading more. You're developing the story at a good pace--giving enough detail to make the story realistic and interesting, but not so much that the reader gets bogged down in it. The one suggestion I would make regards the opening passage. Past and present may collide in the story, but when they do so in your narrative, as they did right there, it makes the story difficult to read. I don't know if you did that intentionally or not--I haven't noticed it anywhere else, yet--but even if it was intentional, it loses its effect because the reader doesn't know your style yet and assumes it is unintentonal, and that makes it look a bit sloppy. Other than that, the writing style is generally good and your prose flows smoothly--which makes for excellent reading!