The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.06 - "Crouching Doctor, Hidden Weasel"
Written by Jesse Glaspey

INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE. Liam, Thad, Bippo, Donner, Arturo and Stacy enter. They are covered in a jello-like substance. They open Liam's closet, ignoring all the pornography in there, they take several towels and start wiping themselves off. DONNER (Clearly irritated) You know. I didn't think it was possible for our lives to get any weirder. Then, next thing you know? We're fighting off the Gummi Lords! ARTURO I'm still trying to fathom how creatures can exist considering they're composed of a gelatinous candy substance. BIPPO It's not that tough to fathom. Harry Knowles seems to have adapted. STACY We should be thankful that we ran into Jesse and Jonathan when we did, otherwise we'd be dead! LIAM Yeah, I mean what are the odds that we'd run into them as they're leaving a strip club? THAD They weren't leaving, they were thrown out. STACY Regardless, They saved our butts. DONNER And destroyed another new car of mine while they were at it! LIAM Hey, at least they never charge for their services like Capeman used to. THAD Why should they? Buy them some beer and pizza and they seem happy enough. BIPPO I think all the property damage they do accounts for that. STACY Still, it's kind of weird… they never charge for their services and yet they don't have jobs, so how do they make rent? ARTURO They don't have to. They paid a years worth of rent in cash when they first moved in. LIAM So thay came here to Las Vegas from Honolulu with no jobs, a bundle of cash and they've never said why they moved here in the first place? STACY Basically. LIAM Sounds normal. Everyone stares at Liam. Meanwhile… INT. LAS VEGAS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT. A group of people walk off their flight. A charter airline from Honolulu. There is a well-built man heading up the group. MAN That TV show said they operate here. Gear up and meet in the baggage claim in ten minutes. Ten minutes later, bystanders stare in awe as 5 men and one woman show up in spandex and armor. We see the man who was leading them is Captain Hawaii, a man in a UH Warriors football gear and armed with a trashcan lid from a Hawaiian eatery known as Zippy's. CAPTAIN HAWAII Role call! Scarlet Pran! We see a short asian girl with EXTREMELY high red shorts, RIDICULOUSLY high red platform shoes, and a red spaghetti strap halter top with the words "Buy me things" emblazoned across it. SCARLET PRAN Ready! CAPTAIN HAWAII Cannery-Man! A man in full-body armor made from cans of Dole Pineapples lumbers forward. CANNERY-MAN Ready! CAPTAIN HAWAII Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man! A skinny man dressed like a yellow and black striped fish steps forward. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN Ready! CAPTAIN HAWAII PigeonEye! A man in gray and white with a goofy looking pigeon mask steps forward. PIGEONEYE Ready! CAPTAIN HAWAII Koa! A fat Hawaiian guy waddles forward with an ukulele in his hand. KOA Ho braddah, we readies and da kine! CAPTAIN HAWAII Then let's start! Hawaiian Avengers…. Tear this city apart until we find The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham. And when we find them… May god… KOA Pele… CAPTAIN HAWAII … May PELE have mercy on their souls! MUSICAL STING FADE OUT --- ------------- ------------------------ ------------------ THEME SONG (SUNG TO THE THEME FROM "JACK OF ALL TRADES") In the year 2001 In Texas lived Jason Gaston Liam Smith made fun of him Proving that he's really dim So Jason brought in Jesse His mission: very clear! He wrote this little parody He finished, now it's here! (guitar riff) Liam hangs out with a werewolf And a homicidal clown Liam works at Circus Circus, Las Vegas is his town! He's clearly stalking Kari Wuhrer He fought Satan and Scrappy Doo The show's about to start So our song is through OLE! ---------------- The Liam Smith Show STARRING Dian Bachar as Liam Smith Co-Starring Jason Gaston as Donner Mike Nelson as Thad Coffey Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham RuPaul as Chocolate Treat Gary Dourdan As Tempus SPECIAL GUEST STAR David Hassellhoff as Captain Hawaii EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS The Hawaiian Avengers are travelling down the street, destroying property and causing all-around havoc. News helicopters are shooting footage and covering the chaos. CAPTAIN HAWAII COSMIC WEASEL! COME OUT AND SHOW YOURSELF YOU COWARD! YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT BELONGS TO US!!! SCARLET PRAN Perhaps they aren't around, Cap! CAPTAIN HAWAII Then give them something to watch on the five o'clock news, Scarlet. SCARLET PRAN Yes, sir! The Scarlet Pran pulls out four platinum credit cards and throws them like shiruken at innocent people on the street. The cards embed themselves in the walls behind the passerby. CAPTAIN HAWAII Hmm. We might as well try to go national. Koa! Do us a favor and "renovate" that 7-11! KOA Aye aye! ALOHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Koa throws his enchanted ukulele at the buiding, it rips through the walls and shatters the windows, the customers and employees scurry out before the building collapses. The ukulele returns to Koa's hand. INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM'S PLACE. Liam and the gang are cleaned up. The rumbling of the 7-11's destruction shakes the Upta Creek residents. LIAM Did you guys feel that? ARTURO Of course we did! What the bloody hell was that racket? DONNER Maybe Metallica is moving in next door? BIPPO Uh-oh. If that's true. I have to destroy my Napster system. I'll be right back. Bippo grabs a can of gasoline and matches. LIAM (looking out the window) Wait! It's coming from outside! Down the street… A bunch of superpeople are tearing up the neighborhood. BIPPO That all? I thought it was something important. Bippo tosses the gas can and matches over his shoulder and sits on the couch, turning on the TV. It's the local news from KLVE. Their anchor-person, Chip Beavermilk is reporting from the scene. CHIP Chip Beavermilk, coming to you live from Downtown Las Vegas! A group of metahumans calling themselves The Hawaiian Avengers are destroying stores and residences in hope of locating two local heroes, The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham! Their motives for finding the two superheroes is unknown at this time! And there is still no word on if the two are even going to show up and stop this group at all… Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man walks into the cameraframe. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN Hey! How about some interview time? CHIP Don't hurt me! Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man shoves Chip out of the way and grabs the microphone HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN (To camera) COSMIC WEASEL! DR. WHAM! GIVE US BACK WHAT'S OURS AND WE MIGHT LEAVE THIS TOWN STANDING! Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man punches the camera and the station cuts to a re-run of Dark Angel. STACY We have to find Jesse and Jonathan! If the Hawaiian Avengers are close by, we're all in danger! THAD As opposed to the danger we faced three hours ago with the Gummi Lords? STACY This is different! We have to go find them! Everyone starts heading out the door. BIPPO WAIT! Everyone stops. BIPPO Has anyone realized that there's a newsman named Chip Beavermilk??? INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, THE BASEMENT DOOR. Everyone sighs and heads to the knocks on the door. No response. He turns the knob, the door opens and they head downstairs. They see Jesse and Jonathan playing Nintendo. They also see they've turned the basement into a really nice place. JESSE HAH! Two lives left and I have the golden gun! You are sooooo dead! JONATHAN You're looking at the wrong screen. JESSE Oh CRAP! LIAM Jesse! Jonathan! Haven't you guys seen the news? JESSE News? Why? Robert Downey Jr. get arrested again? STACY No. There's a group calling themselves the Hawaiian Avengers that's ripping up town looking for the two of you! Jesse and Jonathan stand up. JESSE & JONATHAN WHO? LIAM The Hawaiian Avengers. Jesse looks at Jon JESSE You thinking what I'm thinking? JONATHAN You pack. I'll get the bus tickets! Jesse starts throwing clothes into a bag as Jonathan starts calling the bus station. Arturo grabs the suitcase away from Jesse. ARTURO What is this all about, my dear boy? Why are you running? JESSE No. We're ABOUT to run. Running means we'd be in Canada by now. I thought you were a professor! Stacy hangs the phone up on Jon. STACY Who are these people and why do they want you dead? JONATHAN Well, that's kind of a funny story… LIAM What is it you have that they want so badly? JESSE Truthfully? EVERYONE YES! Jesse and Jonathan look at one another. Jon shrugs. JESSE We kinda… took 10 million dollars from them. Everyone's jaws drop. DONNER Only 10 million? ------------------ -------------------------- --------------- ------------- ---------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -Buy "Celebrity" by N'Sync! -Buy "Black and Blue" by Backstreet Boys! -Buy "Phoning It In" by *69! ----- ---------------------------- ------------------------ -------------------------------- ----- INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE We see Liam, Thad, Donner, Bippo, Arturo and Stacy staring at Jesse and Jonathan. STACY MILLION DOLLARS???? JESSE Well, yeah. ARTURO How did this happen??? JONATHAN Well, it started a little over a year ago, back in Honolulu… We cut to a flashback of The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham in action in Hawaii. The rest of the dialogue is done in voice overs. JONATHAN We had encountered a new superhero team known as the Hawaiian Avengers. They were taking the island by storm. Incredibly popular. Incredibly powerful. This team would constantly beat us to the punch in stopping crooks. They were led by Captain Hawaii: a man who had incredible strength and intelligence. The team consisted of The Scarlet Pran: the queen of gold digging hooches. The Mighty Koa: Wielder of the enchanted ukulele of Don Ho. Cannery Man: The armored protector of the canned fruit industry. PigeonEye: the messy marksman. And Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man: Who possesses the proportionate strength and speed of… um… a fish. We see the Hawaiian Avengers assisting the police in arresting criminals. We also see them doing interviews for local networks. We see The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham sitting at home. DONNER You got shown up by a guy in a fish suit? JONATHAN You gonna let me finish? DONNER Sorry. JONATHAN Everytime we were around the Hawaiian Avengers, Cos' weasel sense would tingle. Something just wasn't right about them. So we started investigating. We see Captain Hawaii in an ad for Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion. JESSE At the same time, they were getting huge endorsement deals. Pepsi, Car commercials, McDonalds, condoms. You name it, they endorsed it. Add that money to the rewards they got for bringing in criminals and they had… ARTURO Ten million dollars. We get it. JESSE Not yet you don't. Jon? JONATHAN We followed them to their headquarters. We watched and videotaped their meeting as they counted their cash. STACY Wait! Why don't they have their money in the bank? JONATHAN GETTING TO IT! They made an error. They revealed their plan. They were crooks posing as heroes in order to make lots of dough before they tried a major heist. The dough they made legally would then be put to use for their legal team should they get caught. DONNER So they had their money in cash so it wouldn't get seized when they were exposed had it been in an account. JONATHAN Bingo. So we had our evidence, we went in and were quickly outnumbered. JESSE We had to think fast. So we made a wager with them. Me vs. Captain Hawaii. A one on one fight. Loser leaves town. We see Jesse and Captain Hawaii in a knock down, drag out fight. They're both extremely bloody. JONATHAN The fight must've been over an hour long, and those two went everywhere with it. JESSE Unfortunately, they cheated. Captain Hawaii pulls out a gun and fires it at a bystander Jesse jumps in the way and saves the person. But while he's distracted, Capt. Hawaii hits Jesse with a steel girder. JESSE That was it. The fight was over. But Capt. Hawaii made the biggest mistake of his life. He was gloating about his victory. We see Jon helping Jesse up while Capt. Hawaii gloats. CAPT. HAWAII HA! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of town! MY TOWN! HAHAHAHA! No one's gonna stop us! Not you! Not anyone in this crappy town! JESSE But, just like every superhero fight nowadays, the press was there. Capt. Hawaii sees the camera and his expression turns to one of shock. CAPT. HAWAII Um… he… he… they tricked us!!! Capt. Hawaii turns and sees Jesse and Jon are gone. The Hawaiian Avengers run into their HQ. They run in and see all the money that was on the table, is now gone. CAPT. HAWAII NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! JONATHAN Him and the other Hawaiian Avengers tried to save face but the public didn't trust them after that. We sent the tape to the media. We never saw it aired. We decided we had to keep our end of the bargain. Sure we had to leave town, but we were taking their cash with us. What were they gonna do, call the cops who didn't trust them either? After we left, we heard from some friends that they were still trying to play heroes but no one cared, they were villains in the eyes of the public, and traitors to the criminal underworld. They screw us, we screwed them. STACY So why didn't you stay in Hawaii? JESSE The public never trusted us to begin with. The fact that their number one team turned out to be villains didn't help. So we decided it was time to head to LA and try to get the Jesse Glaspey show off the ground. JONATHAN Of course THAT never happened. The flashbacks end. JESSE So… we came here. To Vegas. With their money. STACY So why didn't you put the Hawaiian Avengers in jail? JESSE For what? They hadn't committed any crimes yet. STACY When they shot at the innocent bystander! Attempted murder! The planned heist! Conspiracy for a major felony! When you were shot by Capt. Hawaii! Assault with a deadly weapon! Jesse and Jonathan pause. JESSE Well, ain't that a bitch! JONATHAN Hindsight is always 20/20! There's another rumbling. The Hawaiian Avengers are getting closer. STACY You have to get out there and stop them! You didn't put them away before, it's your responsibility as heroes to stop them and save the people they're terrorizing! With great power comes great responsibility! Stacy gets blank stares from Jesse and Jonathan. Donner steps in. DONNER (to Stacy) Let me handle this. Donner puts his hand on Jesse and Jonathan's shoulders. DONNER If you two don't get out there and stop those jackasses, I'm going to make your lives living hells. You owe me two cars and you owe the building a water heater. If you can't find a reason to try to stop the Hawaiian Avengers, I'll give you a reason: REVENGE! They made you look bad and in case you forgot: THEY SHOT YOU! Get out and get even! JESSE You're right! Let's kick some ass! This is our town now! Jesse taps his ring and the Cosmic Weasel costume comes out. JONATHAN NIPPLAGE! Thunder strikes and Dr. Wham steps forward. COSMIC WEASEL Let's go get even! EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. Cosmic Weasel & Dr. Wham rush out. The gang follows a short distance behind. The Hawaiian Avengers are right outside the Upta Creek Apartments. Cannery Man picks up a car and is prepared to throw it when a hubcap hits him in the face, forcing him to drop the car. Captain Hawaii turns to see who threw it. CAPT. HAWAII Ah. I was wondering when you two would arrive. COSMIC WEASEL Cap………………….You owe me a rematch! ------------------ -------------------------- --------------- ------------- ---------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -NBC: Number one in ratings! -UPN: Number one in violence and naughty language! -FOX: Number one in… something. ---------- ----------------------------- ------------------- ------------ ---------------- ------ EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS We see The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham go face to face with The Hawaiian Avengers. CAPT. HAWAII I assume you have our money? COSMIC WEASEL No. Yo momma has it! She charges a lot per hour! EVERYONE Oooooooh! CAPT. HAWAII Very funny! You want us to beat the information out of you? Fine. COSMIC WEASEL Works for me! I've learned a couple things since the last time we fought. CAPT. HAWAII Like what? Cosmic Weasel punches Capt. Hawaii in his face. COSMIC WEASEL Get in the first shot! Cos tackles Capt. Hawaii. The Hawaiian Avengers are about to advance when Capt. Hawaii holds up his hands. CAPT. HAWAII Stop! This is between me and him! COSMIC WEASEL Yeah! It's between me and him! Cos slams Capt Hawaii's head into a mailbox several times. Koa turns and looks at Dr. Wham KOA Wat? Lolo babooze! You like beef? DR. WHAM I still have no idea what the hell you're saying. But let's just get on with it. Dr. Wham punches Koa. Koa staggers back, smiles and advances forward. DR .WHAM When will I learn? Dr. Wham starts running. Koa runs after him. The Scarlet Pran, PigeonEye, Cannery Man and Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man are standing idly by. SCARLET PRAN Well now what do we do? LIAM (off camera) Get 'em Cos! Scarlet Pran and the others turn to see Liam, Stacy, Thad, Donner, Bippo and Arturo. SCARLET PRAN Ah! The Weasel has friends! Scarlet pulls out her razor credit cards. She pauses and looks at PigeonEye. SCARLET PRAN PigeonEye! Get their attention! PIGEONEYE Yes, ma'am! PigeonEye pulls out a slingshot. He fires a series of pellets at the gang. They hit each member of the group. They're still standing, albeit with white splotches on their chests. LIAM What the heck was that? STACY Anyone smell anything? The group sniffs. ARTURO It smells like… Pigeon excrement! DONNER They're firing bird crap at us??? Bird crap? What kind of lame villains are these guys? Razor edged credit cards strike the wall a foot away from Donner. DONNER Never mind. RUN! The group starts running with Scarlet and her group following them. Liam and the group round a corner and slam into Tempus. TEMPUS OW! Watch it! Oh, hey Liam. Guys. What's with the poo stains? LIAM Tempus! Run! The Hawaiian Avengers are after us! The Hawaiian Avengers round the corner. TEMPUS Oh god…. The Hawaiian Avengers? SCARLET PRAN That's right! And if you know what's good for you, you'll lead us to our money! Tempus starts laughing hysterically. TEMPUS BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh god! The Hawaiian Avengers are real??? In my time, we thought they were a joke! HHAHAHAHAAHA! LIAM Um… Tempus! They're going to kill us! TEMPUS How? Look at them! Seriously! Look at them! One fires bird crap, another is wearing tin cans, one is dressed like a fish and the girl can't be any taller than 5 feet! And you're running from them? They're harmless! Watch this! Tempus walks over and decks PigeonEye. PIGEONEYE OW! My nose! TEMPUS (Smiling) Yes. You should put ice on that. Tempus hits him again, knocking him out. TEMPUS Now I'm going back to my place. CSI is on tonight. You guys should be able to take it from here. Tempus walks off. LIAM Hey…. He's right! We CAN take them!!! SCARLET PRAN Hawaiian Avengers! DIVIDE! Scarlet, Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man run off in separate directions. Liam, Donner and Stacy run after The Scarlet Pran. Thad runs off after Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man. Bippo and Arturo stay ad are facing off against Cannery Man. Thad follows Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man into an alley. THAD C'mere fish-boy! I'm ready to kick some "Bass"! HA! Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man sneaks up from behind and clubs Thad with a 2x4. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN Oh, did I surprise you? You think just because I'm dressed like a fish, that I have no power? THAD Well… yeah! HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN Why you… THAD Hold on! Before you kill me! Whatever you do… DON'T really piss me off! Just DON'T! Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man kicks him in the nuts. Thad doubles over in pain. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN HA! Now what are you gonna do? THAD Thank you. I WAS too mellow. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA MAN What? Thad looks up, he's already starting to change. THAD I haven't had seafood in a while! We hear Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man scream from the alley. Cannery Man is facing off against Bippo and Arturo. ARTURO All right my boy, you can defeat this ruffian no problem! Just stick and move! Stick and move, lad! BIPPO Gotcha! Bippo punches Cannery Man. His fist doesn't even dent the armor. Bippo grabs his hand. BIPPO OWWWWW!!!! Bippo kicks Cannery Man only to hurt his foot. BIPPO (hopping up and down) OW! OW! OW! Cannery Man punches Bippo, who flies back roughly five feet. BIPPO (Dazed) Okay, we're through. ARTURO That's all? BIPPO You want to take him on? (A pause.) ARTURO That's it. We're through! Cannery Man starts lumbering forward. BIPPO Augh! If only I had a gun or a knife or a large stick… Arturo fishes around for something in his pockets. ARTURO Will this do? Arturo hands Bippo a Swiss army knife. BIPPO (Flipping the corkscrew out) Oh yeah. I'll be right back. Bippo walks off screen, towards Cannery Man. CANNERY MAN (Off camera) Hey! What're you doing? HEY! OW! OW!! OWWWW! STOP THAT! AH! AH AH OWWW! DON'T PUT THAT THERE! (High pitched) AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Arturo looks repulsed. Bippo walks back on screen. BIPPO Want your knife back? ARTURO (Nauseous) You can keep it. BIPPO (Happy) Thanks! Pretty good for a clown, huh? ARTURO That was pretty good for Jack The Ripper! Meanwhile… Donner, Liam and Stacy are chasing down The Scarlet Pran. She stops and turns around. LIAM Give up while you can! SCARLET PRAN HIIIII-YAAAAH! Scarlet kicks Liam in the face. Stacy throws a punch, Scarlet blocks it and backhands Stacy. Donner shoves Scarlet, she then backflips and springs forward, throwing several of her razor credit cards. Donner, Stacy and Liam are now pinned to the wall SCARLET PRAN You thought just because I'm short and Asian, I'd be easy to beat up! HA! Well, I know the martial arts! STACY (Quietly) No stereotypes in that group! SCARLET PRAN SILENCE! DONNER "We can take them!" Brilliant thoughts, Liam! Scarlet Pran pulls out a knife. SCARLET PRAN And they'll be your last! She moves forward. ------------------ -------------------------- --------------- ------------- ---------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -Have you crashed a Ford lately? -Jack In The Box: Where we kinda cook the food! -KLVE Action News with Chip Beavermilk! We get to the truth… We think. --------------- ------------------------------ ----------- ----------------------- ---------------- EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS, A NEARBY CORNER. The Scarlet Pran is drawing closer to Liam, Donner and Stacy when Chocolate Treat turns the corner and sees them CHOCOLATE TREAT Hey! This is my corner, shorty! Liam! Damn, if you're into this freaky stuff, all you had to do is ask! DONNER If this is how we're going to die, I'm SO disappointed. LIAM Get out of here, Chocolate! She's a dangerous felon! SCARLET PRAN Get out of here, before I cut that nappy weave off your head! CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh no, she didn't! Oh NO she didn't! She did NOT diss my hair! LIAM Yeah, she did! CHOCOLATE TREAT That's it. Stacy, hold my pumps. I'm gonna whoop some ass! Chocolate Treat takes off her shoes and rushes the Scarlet Pran. We hear several punches, slaps, kicks and screams. Chocolate Treat has the Scarlet Pran trapped under a garbage can. LIAM (freeing himself) Looks like The Scarlet Pran broke a major rule. STACY Which is…? LIAM Never piss off a black woman. DONNER So then why is Chocolate Treat angry? A pause. LIAM We have to see how Dr. Wham and The Cosmic Weasel are doing! Chocolate! Can you hold her until the police get here? CHOCOLATE TREAT Hell yeah, I got this little chicken cooped UP! You three go on. Chocolate Treat sniffs the air. CHOCOLATE TREAT Anybody smell bird poo? Meanwhile… Dr. Wham is running from Koa. He stops and looks around. He grabs a nearby bus and throws it into the air. He then starts calculating something. DR. WHAM … Carry the four… Koa runs up. KOA Ho braddah, This no tag no pass on, no pass back! Koa starts swinging his ukulele around. DR. WHAM You know, if I could understand you who knows what could happen? We could make peace. Maybe even team up! A pause. DR. WHAM Nah. That could never happen… KOA Why dat? DR. WHAM Simple. People in traction can't play superhero! The bus comes crashing down on Koa. Dr. Wham dusts his hands off Liam, Donner, Stacy, Bippo, Arturo and Thad all run up to Dr. Wham. LIAM Hey, we got the rest of the Hawaiian Avengers! DR. WHAM Well, Koa isn't going anywhere for a while. Let's see how Cos is doing. Meanwhile… The Cosmic Weasel and Captain Hawaii are beating the crap out of each other. Cap grabs his shield and throws it at Cos. It ricochets off several walls, missing the Cosmic Weasel several times as he bounces off the wall and leaps over Capt. Hawaii's head. CAPT. HAWAII DAMMIT! STAY STILL! I COULD KILL YOU A LOT EASIER IF YOU'D STOP LEAPING AROUND LIKE A GAZELLE!!! COSMIC WEASEL I'm leaping like a weasel! Get it right! Product of the Hawaiian Public School system, aren't ya? So how did you find us anyways? Cos leaps over Cap's head again, kicking him in the face. CAPT. HAWAII Vh-1's Behind The Music! I didn't know you were in a boy band! Kinda fitting really! COSMIC WEASEL Figures you'd be in our band's demographic! You think like a child! Capt. Hawaii grabs Cos' ankle as he leaps overhead and slams him into the ground. Capt. Hawaii sits on him and starts punching Cos repeatedly. CAPT. HAWAII Enough banter! Give me my money! I'll tear your town apart unless you give it back! Cos knees Cap in the crotch and springs up. They're face to face. COSMIC WEASEL What did you say? CAPT. HAWAII I'll tear your town apart! Cos stops, pauses and backs away. COSMIC WEASEL I can't help you. You see, this isn't my town! CAPT. HAWAII Well, then… who's town is it? A hand taps Capt. Hawaii's shoulder. He turns around. CAPT. HAWAII NOW WHAT? Capt. Hawaii is face to face with Capeman. CAPEMAN Excuse me, aren't you in charge of the group that destroyed a 7-11 a little while ago? CAPT. HAWAII Yeah! SO? CAPEMAN Let's "Talk". Cosmic, we'll be back. COSMIC WEASEL Take your time. Capeman grabs Capt. Hawaii by the shirt and they fly off. Cos sits down. A few minutes later, everyone runs up. DR. WHAM What happened? Cos stands up quickly. COSMIC WEASEL What happened? WHAT HAPPENED? You missed it! I was so totally railing on Captain Hawaii and just as I'm about to put him away… BOOM! Capeman comes in and gets in my way! He's all, like, "Hold up, Weas! Damn, you're opening up a savage beating on his ass! My god! What kind of man would do this to another human!" And he had to fly off with Cap to protect him from me! DR. WHAM You're kidding, right? COSMIC WEASEL You doubt my mad crime-fighting skills? DR. WHAM Once again, You're kidding, right? All of a sudden, Capt. Hawaii's body comes crashing down onto a car. CAPT. HAWAII Owwwwwww….. Liam looks at him and sees something. LIAM Hey! He's got a note! THAD What does it say? LIAM "Dear Galactic Chinchilla, I'm done, he's all yours. Toodles, Capeman." DONNER "Toodles"? Everyone looks at Cos. COSMIC WEASEL What? Oh, who're you gonn trust? Him or me? Everyone pauses. A LONG pause. COSMIC WEASEL Oh come on!!! ------------------ -------------------------- --------------- ------------- ---------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -MTV's "CRIBS": Tonight's guest, Kari Wuhrer! -America's Most Wanted: Tonight's guest, Ray Lewis of the Ravens -MAD TV: Tonight's guest host… ah, who cares? This show sucks. ---- --------------------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------------- -------- EXT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS Police Chief Piggy is taking reports from Liam and the gang while the cops and paramedics take the surviving Hawaiian Avengers away. Jesse and Jonathan are back in civilian clothes. LIAM So are the Hawaiian Avengers going to live? PIGGY Well, it's the damnedest thing! The fat guy under the bus is unconcious but still alive and only sustained heavy bruises. None of the officers can seem to lift that baby guitar of his so we're just going to take that entire chunk of sidewalk with it. Capt. Hawaii is in traction, that girl has got some nasty fingernail scratches, the guy in the armor is missing certain parts of his anatomy and we can't find that fish guy at all! Piggy and the other cops leave. Thad burps. BIPPO You okay? THAD Yeah, I just should know better than to eat raw fish. LIAM So this is finally over for the two of you? No more running? JESSE Basically. We finally put these guys away so we have nothing to worry about. STACY So why don't you guys do something useful with that money you took from them and donate it to a shelter or a charity? A pause. JESSE We'll think about it. ONE WEEK LATER… INT. UPTA CREEK APARTMENTS. Stacy is walking around Upta Creek apartments. No one is there. She walks downstairs to the basement. She sees everyone sitting around a very large TV, playing video games. STACY Jesse! Jonathan! I thought you two were going to donate some money to help the needy! JESSE We did. Two million dollars. What's wrong with that? A lot of groups would kill for two million dollars! STACY Is that all you're going to do with the money? Donate it while you sit here and play video games? JONATHAN Hey, it costs a lot to be superheroes! We're saving that money for equipment! JESSE And we're not even the ones playing video games! Jesse and Jonathan move to reveal that it's Triumph and Arturo playing the videogames. ARTURO Why you blistering idiot! You're cheating! TRIUMPH I am not cheating! But I give you credit, you play very well… very well…. FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! Everyone laughs. Meanwhile… INT. EAST LEE S. CAPABLE PRISON. It's the Las Vegas prison, Capt. Hawaii is sitting in his cell. He is furious. CAPT. HAWAII I want vengeance. I want my money. I want that big goof Capeman dead. I want The Cosmic Weasel dead. I want Dr. Wham dead. I want that little guy cheering them on dead… Capt. Hawaii repeats this over and over again. All of a sudden, the wall to the cell is ripped open, and a mysterious figure floats there. MYSTERY FIGURE You want vengeance? Join me and your enemies will suffer a GREAT wrath. CAPT. HAWAII Sign me up! You broke me out, I'm yours! FADE OUT ROLL CREDITS Please Rate
"Crouching Doctor, Hidden Weasel" Total crap! >> >> >> Supurb!

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