THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.07 - "Cult-Tastropie!"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. A FUNERAL HOME LIAM and BIPPO walk into a wake area where an open casket waits. The room is empty and BIPPO is weeping uncontrollably. LIAM Gee, Bippo. You're taking this pretty hard. BIPPO (crying) Jocko was the bestest clown that there ever was and what happened to him was a tragedy. LIAM Yeah... Who would have ever thought that the high wire that held the tightrope walking elephant for so many years would have broken the very moment that Jocko was playing "The Entertainer" on the piano below it? BIPPO Jokco's last note was sharp... Then... He was flat. Jocko the Clown, I salute you! Bippo holds up a novelty clown horn and honks it. BIPPO And here's my favorite chainsaw to hack and chop your way through that big red tent in the sky... Or more likely, underground. Bippo places the chainsaw in the casket. LIAM Wow, Bippo. I know how much that chainsaw means to you. BIPPO It's a symbol of my respect and, if I ever want it back, I'll just dig him up. Now, if you'll excuse me, Liam, my mascara is running. Bippo leaves weeping. Liam apprehensively looks at the unseen corpse. LIAM He looks so lifelike. They even managed to remove the piano keys from his face. OLD WOMAN Excuse me. Liam jumps in fright. The old lady watches him jump into the air, waits, and waits, and waits, checks her watch, and waits some more. Liam finally comes crashing to the floor. LIAM (getting up) Sorry. I'm a bit jumpy. OLD WOMAN No kidding. I'm the owner. LIAM Of the funeral parlor? OLD WOMAN Funeral PARLOR is such a horrible term. We much prefer to call them Corpse Slabs. LIAM Is... There something you wanted? OLD WOMAN Yes, young man. I'm old... Ancient, really... I sold my soul to the devil a couple of decades ago for immortality but he tricked me and gave me eternal life without eternal youth. LIAM That's TERRIBLE! What can I do? OLD WOMAN Well I'm the only one working here today. If you don't mind, I need to open that skylight up there. She points to a skylight over the coffin. LIAM (confused) That's it? OLD WOMAN I wouldn't ask otherwise, but an inspector is coming and these corpse slabs have to be well ventilated or else we get shut down. LIAM But what about the whole selling of your soul thing? OLD WOMAN Eh, I just mention it for conversation. Live and learn, I suppose. LIAM The skylight, huh? All right, I suppose you can count on me! OLD WOMAN Thanks, sonny! And if the devil ever offers you anything for your soul, for GOD'S sake, read the contract at least once! The old woman leaves. Liam reaches for the pull string and begins to open the skylight. The pull string breaks. LIAM Oops. Liam gets and chair and stands in it, but still can't reach the skylight. He looks at the coffin, shakes his head, but then looks back and shrugs. LIAM It's for an old lady. Liam stands on top of the coffin, straddling the lid. He grabs the skylight and pulls and pulls but it doesn't open. Finally, with one mighty tug, the skylight opens and Liam falls back into the coffin. The lid slams shut knocking him on the head and sending him into unconsciousness. The old lady reenters. Sees the skylight is open and smiles. OLD WOMAN What a nice young man. SATAN appears behind her. SATAN (pleading) Can I drag you to hell NOW? OLD WOMAN Nope, sorry. Not dead yet. You should've read the contract. SATAN DRAT! Satan vanishes in a puff of smoke. OLD WOMAN Sucker. FADE TO: INT. THE COFFIN Liam awakens, turns around and sees the body of Jocko underneath him. He goes ballistic banging on the lid and screaming. FADE TO: EXT. A CEMETERY Starting at a newly dug grave, the camera zooms back as Liam's muffled screams echo out. FADE OUT: --- THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "Green Acres") Laaaaaaaas Vegas is the place to be. Luuuuunatics as far as the eye can see. Pits to hell open far and wide! Zombies and ghouls and not a single place to hide! Aaaaanywhere else is where I'd rather stay! Somewhere safe is where I hope and pray! I can't live without a starry Sky! Screw Las Vegas! I really don't want to die. The shows! The ho's! Wayne Newton!! Gangs shootin'! Now you are my wife... Good-bye precious life! LAS VEGAS WE ARE THERE!!! (Suddenly, Siegfried and Roy's white tigers leap into the picture and devour the singers) Ole! ---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
John Rhys Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Also Starring

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

David Hopper
as
"Drew Fangtastic"

and
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Guest Starring

Burt Reynolds
as
"The Cult Leader"

FADE IN: EXT. A CEMETERY Several hooded people tromp through the graves. These are the CULT MEMBERS. CULT MEMBER #1 I don't believe this! We've sacrificed twenty chickens, ten cats, and my brother Bob and we STILL haven't accended to the mothership! CULT LEADER Faith, child. For though the wait is long, the payoffs from Marklar will be enourmous. CULT MEMBER #2 I don't know. Perhaps this whole alternative religion thing is a bust. CULT MEMBER #3 Yeah! I mean, I just kinda joined on a lark, you know? Sort of a way to piss off my parents. CULT LEADER FAITH AND PATIENCE!!! CULT MEMBER #1 Look, we've cut off our ties to family, our ties to technology, and even our balls for you and this cult and what have YOU shown us!? CULT LEADER (more diplomatic) Children, children, children... It is only though the continuation of our practices will we gain everlasting life in the stars. Why, when I was given the vision by the alien known as Marklar, I didn't believe it at first either, but after... The cult leader continues to speak as the camera zooms back revealing a tombstone that says "JOCKO THE CLOWN, 1967-2001, REMEMBERED, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN". Suddenly, DREW FANGTASTIC is seen hiding behind the headstone. DREW Ah, cultists! I love the way they taste! So misguided and swayed with a dash of... Suddenly, there is the muffled sounds of a chainsaw. DREW What the? BLAM! The blade of the chainsaw rips out of the ground and comes up between Drew's legs. Drew screams like a little girly man attracting the attention of the CULT MEMBERS. CULT MEMBER #2 Hey! Did you guys hear that? CULT MEMBER #4 Sounds like a vampire that nearly got his ying-yang cut off! Drew has runs away screeching like a banshee. As the cult members gather around the tombstone. CULT MEMBER #1 Oh my God! Liam pulls himself out of the grave and revs the chainsaw. LIAM Bippo, you is my hero! CULT LEADER (stunned) Oh my Lord! What is your name!? Liam hasn't noticed them until now. He turns around. LIAM What? Oh, Liam Smith. Here, do something with this, would you? Liam gives the cult leader the chainsaw and walks off. The Cult Members look at the leader. CULT LEADER Don't you see what this means? CULT MEMBER #3 No. CULT MEMBER #2 No. CULT MEMBER #4 No. CULT MEMBER #1 Yes. Uh, I mean... No. CULT LEADER This man... This Liam Smith has risen from the grave! He is the messiah! HE is the one we've been waiting for! CULT MEMBER #1 You mean...!? CULT LEADER Yes, Liam Smith is our ordained Lord! The messiah! The son of God! CULT MEMBER #1 Then why does it say "Jocko the Clown" on the tombstone. CULT LEADER HERETIC!!! Cult Member #1 is stoned by the others. CULT LEADER He IS the messiah! BEHOLD HIS CHAINSAW! CULT MEMBERS BEHOLD THE CHAINSAW!!! CUT TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT THAD and Bippo are on the couch when DREW enters. DREW (terrified) LIAM! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT... A beat. He looks around. DREW Where's Liam? BIPPO Don't know. He ditched me at the funeral home. DREW I won't ask. Thad whispers in Bippo's ear. THAD This is great! Since I was deaged in the Bahamas, Drew won't recognize me and he won't kick my ass. DREW Hi Thad. Deaged, huh? THAD What!? How did you...? DREW Please... I can recognize the pungent scent of a werewolf for miles and YOU, my fiend, have a distinctive aroma that smells somewhat like burning hair and ass. Thad sniffs his armpits as Liam enters. BIPPO Where in the ding-dong-diddly hell have YOU been? I waited HOURS for you in the Corpse Slab and finally had to walk home. LIAM Oh, I'm sorry Bippo... I only got KNOCKED OUT, THROWN IN A COFFIN, AND BURIED ALIVE!!! BIPPO It's always excuses with you! DREW You didn't happen to have a chainsaw, did you? LIAM Yeah, so? Drew gets pissed and advances on Liam. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. THAD I'll get that. I'm farthest from the door. Thad answers the door. Revealing all the CULT MEMBERS and CULT LEADER. THAD Yes? CULT LEADER Are you the messiah? THAD No, I'm the werewolf. CULT LEADER BEHOLD THE WEREWOLF! CULT MEMBERS BEHOLD THE WEREWOLF! CULT LEADER We're looking for Liam Smith. We want to worship him and follow his word. THAD Hm. Everybody needs a hobby. (to Liam) It's for you. Liam goes to the door. LIAM (to Cult Leader) Yes, can I help you? CULT LEADER "Can I help you?" The messiah's first words! He wants to HELP US! LIAM I beg your pardon? CULT LEADER He begs! He is humble! We should all be as humble as he! LIAM What do you mean? Who are you people? CULT LEADER I am the cult leader and this is the cult formerly known as Heavens's Sliding Door, now known as Liam's Gate. LIAM Hey, isn't that a funny coincidence? MY name is Liam too! THAD (whispering) Liam, I think these guys want to worship you. LIAM What? Why? CULT LEADER Why indeed! (to Cult Members) Do you see his humility! He doesn't know why he should be worshiped! LIAM Really, I don't know, I mean... Why me? CULT LEADER Why you? Why, Lord Liam, you are the messiah! The son of God! The one we've been waiting for over six or seven months! LIAM Huh? Look, you guys. This is all fun and stuff, but I've had a lousy day so go play somewhere else, okay? Liam slams the door. CULT LEADER (through door) But you gave me the holy chainsaw! BEHOLD THE CHAINSAW! CULT MEMBERS (through door) BEHOLD THE CHAINSAW! LIAM (to others) You believe that stuff? DREW Ah, cults... Now that brings back some memories. Why, back in '53 I had a cult grow up around me. LIAM How did you deal with it? DREW I ate them. Slowly. One by one. Told the survivors is was a sacrifice or some such rubbish. LIAM Well, that option isn't open for me. BIPPO Why don't you get Thad to eat them? DREW Yeah, that's it! Thad will eat anything and anyone! LIAM Not anymore he won't. Not since he became a good werewolf. DREW (sneers) Good werewolf? What's next? Some gigantic ancient evil space borne entity set on destroying all life on Earth? There is a beat as everyone looks at the camera. ARTURO enters. ARTURO I don't suppose that any of you can explain the ocean of people congregating outside in the parking lot and sacrificing livestock, can you? LIAM Huh? Liam goes to the window and looks out. CULT MEMBERS BEHOLD THE MESSIAH! Liam shuts the curtains. LIAM There must be thousands! ARTURO Hundreds of thousands! BIPPO One million six hundred thousand and five hundred and seventy three. That's accounting for one tribble multiplying after a gestation period of... ARTURO WHAT'S GOING ON!? DREW Liam's started his own cult! I'm so proud of him! ARTURO You did WHAT!? LIAM I didn't mean to! It just happened! THAD Mount Saint Helens just happened, this is... Well, LOOK! Arturo sticks his head out the window. CULT MEMBERS (in unison) Who are you? ARTURO I'm the landlord. CULT MEMBERS (in unison) BEHOLD THE LANDLORD! Arturo shuts the window. ARTURO I want these people gone, Smith! LIAM What am I supposed to do? ARTURO Gee... I don't know... You have a homicidal clown, a werewolf, and a vampire from hell at your disposal. Figure it out, you blistering Idiot! LIAM You want me to... Kill them? ARTURO No, I want Thad, Drew, and Bippo to kill them giving you and me total deniability. Bippo jumps up. BIPPO Sounds good to me! LIAM Sit down, Bippo! Bippo sits. Stacy enters. STACY Have you guys seen what's going on out there? It almost as if Liam's inspired some sort of cult or something! Stacy looks out the window. CULT MEMBERS (in unison) Who are you? STACY I'm Liam's sister. CULT MEMBERS (in unison) BEHOLD THE SISTER! Stacy shuts the window. STACY Liam, what did you do? LIAM Jeez, crawl out of ONE grave... BIPPO Well, I've had enough. I'll be back in a little while. Liam, have you got any Kool-Aid? LIAM Check the pantry. BIPPO Grape? LIAM Cherry. BIPPO Eh, that'll do. Bippo goes into the kitchen. STACY Liam, maybe you should... SMACK THAD Ow! LIAM What? THAD Drew punched me in the face. DREW It was an accident. I have torettes. THAD He does n--! SMACK THAD OW! He did it again! STACY Thad, quit making fun of Drew's torrettes! THAD But... SMACK! THAD OW! Bippo exits the kitchen and heads for the front door with a couple of packages of kool-aid. BIPPO Be back in a jiff! LIAM Fine. DREW GAH! ARTURO What now? DREW Thad stuck me with a toothpick! Don't you know how much wooden pointy things sting? LIAM Thad, Drew... Don't make me separate you two. ARTURO Perhaps if you give the cultists what they want, they'll leave. LIAM Good idea! (a blank stare) What do they want? ARTURO Well, maybe if you let them see you for a few minutes... Say a few words. That sort of thing. LIAM You think that'll work? ARTURO No, but the result should be quite interesting. Liam opens the window. CULT MEMBERS BEHOLD LORD LIAM! LIAM (nervous) Uh... Hi. CULT MEMBERS (in unison) Hi. LIAM How are you guys doing? CULT MEMBERS (in unison) Just fine. How about you? LIAM Oh, I'm fine. CULT MEMBERS (in unison) That's good to know. LIAM So, I guess you guys want me to say a few words, right? CULT MEMBERS (unison) Oh, yes! That would be swell! LIAM All right... Uh, first of all, you should be nice to each other. CULT MEMBERS (unison) Be nice to each other. LIAM Make the world a better place. CULT MEMBERS (unison) Make the world a better place. LIAM Be individual thinkers! CULT MEMBERS (unison) Be individual thinkers. LIAM (a beat) You're just repeating everything I say, aren't you? CULT MEMBERS (unison) Just repeating everything I... (a beat, caught) Yes, we are. Liam shuts the window. LIAM This is impossible! DREW Yep, looks like you've really screwed up! STACY Oh, get off it, Drew! Don't tell me that in over a century YOU'VE never done anything YOU regret! Drew thinks. DREW Hmm... RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: GERMANY - 1919 Drew is having drinks with ADOLF HITLER DREW No, I'm telling you! You should go into politics! I mean, come on.. as an artist, you suck! You've got quite a commanding attitude and I'm sure you could turn this stinkhole of a country around! HITLER You think? DREW Trust me. You won't regret it! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: ENGLAND - 1975 Drew is having drinks with JOHN LENNON JOHN LENNON I don't know... DREW No, listen. You and Yoko need to get out of here. I hear that New York's nice. JOHN LENNON Yeah, but isn't there a lot of crime over there? DREW Nah, they've really got the place cleaned up! JOHN LENNON All right, mate! You sold me! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: ALASKA - 1991 On the Exxon Valdez, Drew and CAPTAIN HAZELWOOD are drunker than hell singing drinking songs. Suddenly, there is a crunch and they both stop as millions of gallons of oil burst out of the ship. Drew looks around in shock. DREW Gotta go! Drew changes into a bat and flies away. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: LIAM'S APARTMENT As before. Drew is thinking. DREW No. I can't think of anything. Bippo reenters with a jug of kool-aid. BIPPO Liam, have you got any rat poison? LIAM Yeah, in the pantry behind the canned tuna. BIPPO Thanks! Got any coffee? LIAM Yeah, help yourself. Bippo walks into the kitchen. ARTURO (to Liam) Perhaps if you just tell them to go away? LIAM You think that would work? Bippo walks by with the kool-aid, rat poison, and coffee grounds. BIPPO Maybe, but it wouldn't hurt to have another alternative. Bippo exits. Liam goes to the window and opens the curtains. CULT MEMBERS BEHOLD THE MESSIAH! LIAM Yeah, yeah, yeah... Listen, can you people just go home now? I mean, I don't want to be rude or anything, but you're all a bunch of dumbasses and you're starting to block traffic. The Cult Leader climbs in through the window and stands next to Liam. CULT LEADER But you are the one we've been waiting for! The one Marklar told of. LIAM Who the hell is Marklar? CULT LEADER Marklar is an alien priest from the twelfth planet of the Unridian System, part of the Federation of Bliss... An interstellar organization dedicated to the betterment of the universe. LIAM And this relates to me.... How? CULT LEADER Marklar told me in a vision that we should follow the one who came from the ground. You came from the ground, so we follow you. LIAM But I'm NOT the messiah! CULT LEADER Only the true messiah would deny that he was the messiah. LIAM Okay, then I am the messiah. (out the window) I AM THE MESSIAH! CULT MEMBERS You ARE!? LIAM (yelling) YEAH! NOW, F-(BLEEP!)-K OFF!!! Liam slams the window shut. LIAM (to cult leader) You too. Beat it! CULT LEADER Soooo... You're saying your not the Messiah, huh? LIAM (exasperated) NO! CULT LEADER Well, why didn't you say so? I mean, it's not like we LIKE following total strangers around or anything. Why, I think it's rather rude of you to-- Stacy, Drew, and Thad are looking out the window. THAD Uh, Liam? CULT LEADER (continuing) --string us along like that! I mean, seriously! If you weren't the messiah-- STACY Guys, I really think that you should look at this. CULT LEADER (continuing) --you would mention it. LIAM Of for God's sake... I DID TELL YOU!!! DREW Mates, I think you should look outside. Now. Liam and the Cult Leader look at each other and then out the window. LIAM What the...!? EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Thousands of cultists lie dead in the parking lot. Bippo is handing out Kool-Aid to the surviving members. BIPPO (handing glass to cultist) No, it's all right. It's SUPPOSED to fizz and crackle like that and the puffs of smoke that look like skulls are perfectly natural. CULT MEMBER Well... Okay. The Cult Member takes a sip and falls over dead. BIPPO Like fish in a barrel. FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER Bippo is standing there looking all proud of himself drinking a thermos of coffee. Liam, Cult Leader, Thad, Arturo, Stacy, and Drew are looking out the window in awe. EVERYONE Awe! CULT LEADER They're all dead! Every last one of them! I can't believe it! ARTURO Pretty overwhelming, isn't it? CULT LEADER No, I can't believe that they all died without me having ordered it. LIAM Well, I hope you've learned today that a cult that deprives you of your rights and insists that you follow the ideals of one person is never a good thing. BIPPO Well, I tell you what I'VE learned! Rat poison mixes much better with cherry kool-aid than grape. I'll have to send that recipe back to my dear old mom. CULT LEADER Why YOU! The cult leader goes for Bippo's throat, but is stopped when a brilliant white light appears in the window. DREW What the...!? EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS A giant spaceship hovers over the complex. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT As before. The Alien MARKLAR appears in the middle of the room. MARKLAR Greetings, I am Marklar. BIPPO Oh, hey Marklar. Boy I'm glad you showed up! This guy hasn't been able to keep his piehole shut about you. MARKLAR I see my instructions were carried out. Marklar is pleased. LIAM Instructions? CULT LEADER But... I don't understand! You said to follow the man who came out of the ground and he would aid us to the light. MARKLAR No, you must have mis-heard me. I said "follow the man dressed like a clown and he will give you kool-aid that will make you go night-night." Everyone looks at Bippo. BIPPO I'M as shocked as YOU are! MARKLAR As we speak, the souls of all the dead cultists are being vacuumed into our vessel. CULT LEADER WAIT! Let me go with you. MARKLAR Very well, I suppose we could always use a snack. CULT LEADER What did you say? Marklar grows enormous fangs and devours the Cult Leader whole. He belches, waves good-bye, and vanishes. DREW Oh... THOSE guys. LIAM What? DREW Eh, they come around every few years, convince a few dozen people to adopt them as a religion, then eat their lifeforces. STACY Wow, that sucks. DREW Yeah... Jamestown, the Mary Celeste, the cast of MTV's The State... They got 'em all. LIAM Wow, is there some way to stop them? DREW Probably... But who cares really? If you get visions of a weird alien named Marklar, just don't do what we says. LIAM I think that's a given, wouldn't you think? STACY Yeah, but I can't help but wonder who Marklar will trick next. INT. A BEDROOM CHOCOLATE TREAT sleeps peacefully with one of those masks over her eyes. Suddenly, the voice of MARKLAR can be heard. MARKLAR CHOCOLATE TREAT! HEAR ME! Chocolate Treat wakes up. CHOCOLATE TREAT Who dat? MARKLAR Follow my heed, and you will be worshipped as none other! CHOCOLATE TREAT Honey, I'm all ready worshipped like none other. Ain't that right, boys? Chocolate Treat turns on the light revealing the quivering forms of EDDIE MURPHY, KEVIN SORBO, GARY COLEMAN, RICKY MARTIN, MARK WALBURG, and K.D. LANG. EVERYONE Yes, master! MARKLAR Oh... Well, sorry to bother you then. CHOCOLATE TREAT No harm, sweetie. Chocolate Treat reaches over and turns off the light sending the room into total darkness. There is the sound of a bullwhip and several shrill screams. THE END ROLL CREDITS Please Rate
Cult-Tastrophie! Total crap! >> >> >> Supurb!

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