The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.07 - "Apocalyptic Appetizer"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. AN UNDERSEA CAVERN Several people in strange clothing stand in front of a giant screen showing scenes of the earth's surface. MAN As you can see, this is the surface of the earth! The surface we abandoned so long ago. Well, it's time for us to take back what is ours! The camera pulls back to reveal several THOUSAND troops watching the screen. MAN Two millennia ago, the continent of Atlantis sank into the ocean. SOON, it will rise again and the ENTIRE EARTH WILL BELONG TO US! The troops cheer. MAN In less than a day, Atlantis will resurface and then the BLOOD WILL FLOW LIKE MILK! The camera pulls back, going out a window and then out into the murky blue-black of the deep ocean. The camera continues to draw back until we see an entire city on the ocean bottom. Suddenly, the city begins to rise towards the surface. MUSIC STING INT. A VIDEO ARCADE LIAM, BIPPO, and THAD are hanging out. BIPPO is showing off several video game machines. BIPPO ...and this is Bloody Fists of Fury. I got high score on this one. This is Chainsaws of Chaos. I hold five of the top ten scores. And finally, my favorite of favorites, Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III. I have all top ten scores. LIAM Nice. I've never seen a game with an NC-17 rating. THAD Who's HOM? BIPPO Who? THAD HOM. Thad points to the video game monitor. The initials BIP are in 2nd though 10th place, but in the number one position is HOM. BIPPO SON OF A BITCH!!! I'LL KILL HIM!!! LIAM Relax, Bippo. It's only a game! BIPPO Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III is NOT just a game! It is a reaffirmation of my manliness and now this HOM guy just swoops in and takes it from me! I feel violated! Hold me! Bippo jumps into Thad's arms. THAD Why don't you just knock this HOM out of first place? BIPPO (jumps up) Knock him out of first place? BRILLIANT! I'll make HOM regret the day he ever set his eyes on Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III! Liam, give me a fifty. LIAM What? Why? BIPPO Because I need the quarters and you should be thinking of every possible way to placate the homicidal clown who knows where you live. LIAM Point taken. Liam hands Bippo a fifty. Bippo puts it in his wallet with several other fifties. BIPPO Now leave, you two. I've got some serious animated violence to dish out. Liam and Thad leaves as Bippo begins to play. EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, NIGHTFLYER, CAPTAIN SPAZ, and COLOSSAL CHUNK are fighting a costumed super villain, BITCHSLAP. BITCHSLAP FOOLS! You are no match for the might of BITCHSLAP! Bitchslap Bitch slaps Colossal Chunk throwing him about a ten thousand feet in the air. The other members of the Justice Squad watches him fly into the air and then crash far off in the mountains. A few seconds later, there is a muffled boom as the sound finally reaches them. NIGHTFLYER Well, you've done it now, Bitchslap. That's definitely going to piss him off. BITCHSLAP Enough yammering! It'll take him a while to get back here. Now, let's fight, you suckas! Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, Nightflyer, and Captain Spaz leap into action, but Bitchslap is always one step ahead of him using his superhuman bitch slap to subdue the heroes. ULTRAWOMAN It's no use. Bitchslap is too powerful. We need a diversion! NIGHTFLYER Or better yet, something to draw his attention. ULTRAWOMAN Right. BLUE FAIRY Let's get Captain Spaz to do it. NIGHTFLYER Yeah, he's practically useless in combat situations anyway. CAPTAIN SPAZ HEY! ULTRAWOMAN Sorry, but he's right. Captain Spaz, you distract Bitchslap. The rest of us will take him down. CAPTAIN SPAZ But... ULTRAWOMAN Go! The Justice Squad rushes to various positions leaving Captain Spaz alone facing Bitchslap. CAPTAIN SPAZ Well, this sucks. (yelling at Bitchslap) HEY! HEY HEY! LOOK AT ME! LOOK OVER HERE! LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING! I'M DOING SOMETHING OVER HERE! BITCHSLAP Hey, stop that you little runt! It's very distracting! (a beat) Waaaaaaait a minute! KER POW! All three Justice Squaders hit Bitchslap in the back of the head. As if they had no effect, Bitchslap turns around and bitchslaps all three of them sending them crashing into one of those new Voltswagon Beatles. ULTRAWOMAN (dazed) Well, at least nothing of value was damaged. She passes out on top of her three unconscious teammates. BITCHSLAP Ha! Ha! Ha! Now no one can stand in my way as I bitch slap the entire world! I-- OW! OW! OW! CRAMP! CRAMP! Captain Spaz has caused Bitchslap's leg to cramp up. Instead of subduing the villain, it has only pissed him off. BITCHSLAP Oh, you little tit! Prepare to face the merciless palm of BITCHSLAP! CAPTAIN SPAZ Eep. Before Bitchslap can bitch slap Spaz to oblivion, a purple and gold blur rushes by. The camera pans over to reveal CAPEMAN standing by a tied up and unconscious Bitchslap. CAPEMAN Need a little help? CAPTAIN SPAZ Capeman! CAPEMAN I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this, oh he with useless powers, but I was in the neighborhood and I-- COLOSSAL CHUNK (O.S.) CHUNK SMASH! The gigantic fist of Colossal Chunk catches Capeman in the head and sends the hero barreling into the base Mount Rushmore. Capeman gets to his feet and dusts himself off. CAPEMAN I'm okay! A butterfly lands on Lincoln's nose sending it crashing down on top of Capeman. Captain Spaz stands there for a second looks at the devastation before looking at Colossal Chunk. CAPTAIN SPAZ They're probably taking that out of your pay. Colossal Chunk hangs his head in shame. FADE OUT: ---

Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "Mystery Science Theater 3000")

It the not too distant future...
Okay, about last week.
There was a TV Show.
About a wolf, a clown, and geek.

This geek his name was Liam Smith,
There's lot's of stuff he has to put with,
From killer models and invaders from space,
and his boss who wants to take over the all of the place.

We give you weekly episodes of his life, his trials, and times!
Hopefully you'll laugh and smile and like the website design!

Upda Creek Role Call!

Liam!
Thad!
Arturo!
Stacy
Bippooooooooooooooooooooh!

If you're wondering why we waste our time writing up this insane plot.
(La, la, la, la)
It comes from an ungratifying childhood and a big fat bag of pot.

For The Fabulous Liam Smith Show!

OLE!

---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARRING Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys-Davies as "Professor Arturo" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey" ALSO STARRING Leon Lai as "Kevin Riley" GUEST STARRING Seth Green as "Quasar"

FADE IN: INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - INFIRMARY Capeman is lying in bed when he suddenly awakes. CAPEMAN I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS MARRIED! He looks around, shrugs and then walks out. INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - MONITOR ROOM Ultrawoman, Colossal Chunk, Captain Spaz, Nightflyer, and Blue Fairy are at the meeting table. NIGHTFLYER ...and So I said to her, YOU'RE giving ME tips on decorations, Miss Plaid and Pastels? Well, then she... Capeman enters. ULTRAWOMAN Hi, Capeman. Feeling better? CAPEMAN I feel like someone dropped a giant chunk of rock shaped like a nose on me. COLOSSAL CHUNK That Chunk bad. Sorry. BLUE FAIRY So, how much so we owe you for the rescue? CAPEMAN Nothing. I don't take money for superheroing anymore. BLUE FAIRY So, a personal check then? ULTRAWOMAN You told me you'd given up materialism, but didn't believe it. Capeman, you continue to surprise me. (a beat) So what's the scam? CAPEMAN (shocked) There isn't a scam! I just don't extort people anymore! ULTRAWOMAN You mean to tell me that you're giving up materialism for good? CAPEMAN Well, no... I still have a few endorsements with companies who are friendly to the environment and don't exploit 3rd world labor, but... NIGHTFLYER PLUH-LEASE! You expect us to believe that Capeman is done with money and power? CAPEMAN Yeah. NIGHTFLYER HUH! CAPEMAN In fact, I was following you guys for a reason since you don't return my phone calls or e-mails. BLUE FAIRY That's what you get for sending us those damn chain letters. CAPTAIN SPAZ AND selling our address to spammers. BLUE FAIRY I mean, seriously, how many little terminally ill kids that want to start the worlds largest e-mail chain letter ARE there!? CAPEMAN The reason I was looking for you was to ask... Uh... Okay, look... I know I haven't been the friendliest person in the world to you guys and I know I've made fun of you a lot... BLUE FAIRY You told Time that we were a retard convention. CAPEMAN Right, I just... NIGHTFLYER You told US Weekly that you'd find better superheroes than us at a paraplegic ward. CAPEMAN Uh, I... ULTRAWOMAN You told David Letterman than my costume makes my ass look big. CAPEMAN I'M SORRY! CAPTAIN SPAZ We know. Now apologize. ULTRAWOMAN Now, why should we spend a nanosecond listening to anything you have to say? CAPEMAN (embarrassed) Because... I want to join the Justice Squad. The Justice Squaders react in shock. INT. A VIDEO ARCADE Bippo is playing Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III. BIPPO Heh, heh, heh... Good-bye HOM-oh. Bippo writes his name in the top ten scored knocking HOM out of the top ten. Bippo proceeds to breakdance and make a spectacle of himself. While doing the moonwalk, he runs into a teenager with blue skin and red eyes. This is QUASAR: THE HERALD OF MIKE. QUASAR Hey, watch it! BIPPO Oh, sorry you weird smurf looking guy. QUASAR No problem. Quasar walks over to the Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III machine and begins to play. Bippo notices and looks over his shoulder. FADE TO: INT. A VIDEO ARCADE - HOURS LATER Bippo is staring in open mouth shock as Quasar writes his the initals HOM in first place. QUASAR There, Quasar is BACK in first place! BIPPO (on the verge of tears) But... I spent hours getting rid of HOM! QUASAR Oh, you're BIP? BIPPO Bippo the Clown. QUASAR I'm Quasar, the Herald of Mike. That's where the HOM comes from. BIPPO Nice to meet you. Now, DIE! Bippo begins stabbing Quasar with a knife. Quasar watches in annoyance. QUASAR What are you doing? Bippo reels back in shock. BIPPO GOOD GOD! YOU ARE AN INVULNERABLE BLUE MAN! QUASAR That's a rubber knife, you moron. BIPPO So it is. Bippo chucks it over his shoulder stabbing a Drug Dealer. No one notices. BIPPO So, Quasar. What exactly does a Herald of Mike do? QUASAR Well, I ride to dozens of planets on my cosmic boogie board telling the inhabitants that Mike is coming. BIPPO And Mike is who? QUASAR Mike is the devourer of worlds and the one who granted me my phenomenal cosmic powers. BIPPO Really? What sort of phenomenal cosmic powers? QUASAR Well, like this. Quasar points at the Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III machine and vaporizes it with antimatter from his finger. BIPPO BITCHIN! QUASAR Man, I'm beat. I spent all night with some showgirls from the Riviera. At least... I HOPE they were girls. BIPPO Well, since you're my new best friend you can stay at my friend Liam's. He likes it when I bring all sorts of kookie and unusual people home with me and then stick them with him. QUASAR He's not gay, is he? BIPPO (a beat) I don't know. I don't watch him twenty four hours a day. QUASAR Fine with me. Bippo and Quasar walk out the door. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is sitting on the couch talking to KEVIN. KEVIN You know, it would bring out those cavernous eyes of yours if you used a little highlights. LIAM Kevin, for the last time I don't want to buy any makeup from you. I'm a guy and guys don't wear... (beat) What do you mean "cavernous eyes"? Bippo enters with Quasar BIPPO Liam, this is Quasar. He's a herald of Mike. LIAM Good to meet you Quasar. (to Bippo, silently) Why is he blue? BIPPO I think it's a lot like that one time when you got your head suck in the airliner toilet. You had a blue face for a month. LIAM Uh-huh. Look, you didn't promise him that he could stay here, did you? You have a nasty habit of doing that. BIPPO That's right, I do and habits are very hard to break so why try? LIAM Damn. Kevin walks over to Quasar. KEVIN Ah, I see you're familiar with the midnight blue shade of Mary Kay base. QUASAR What? KEVIN Have you considered a little yellow highlights on the cheeks? Maybe goldenrod #5? QUASAR This isn't make-up. I'm from the planet Flaarn. Everyone's blue there. Or at least, they were. LIAM Fascinating. QUASAR There's more, but I'm tired. KEVIN ...and we really don't care. QUASAR Where's the bed? LIAM W-Well, the couch folds out into a bed I guess that... QUASAR Great, that means that your bed will be free. Thanks for taking the couch, man. Quasar walks into the bedroom and slams the door. BIPPO He seems nice. KEVIN All that stuff about being from another planet and stuff... You don't think that's going to come back and haunt us, do you? LIAM Nah. INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM Quasar is getting ready for bed when suddenly, the image of MIKE appears in from of him. MIKE QUASAR! QUASAR Yo, Mike. 'Sup? MIKE Hath thou alerted thine leaders of thy world as I hath instructed? QUASAR Er... No. MIKE NO!? Explainith thine self! QUASAR W-Well, you know, I kinda... MIKE Thou wath playing video games again, weren't thou? QUASAR Yeah. MIKE Quasar, this is going to be thine fifth world in a row that succumbs to my might without thine major leaders knowing about it because thou, my herald, was too busy goofing off! I spared thee when I took thine world so that thou may serveith me and gave to thee the phenomenal cosmic powers thou hath so that thou may instill terror in thy populace. I had no idea thou wath such a slacker. QUASAR Hey, I'm a teenager! MIKE That 'tis no excuse. Doith my bidding or thou shall sufferith the same fate as your home world and soon, thy Earth. Mike disappears. Quasar begins mocking him. QUASAR Do nyah bidding nyor nyou will nufferith the nah nah nah nah nah. Mike reappears. MIKE WHAT!? QUASAR I said I'm going! Quasar rushes out the door. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Quasar rushes into the living room where Kevin is giving Liam a makeover as Bippo watches. KEVIN And this shade will really cover that bulbous forehead of yours. LIAM Bulbous!? QUASAR Guys, I need to find world leaders Asap. You guys know any? BIPPO I know several dictators in the middle east I can introduce you to and I once met President Bush in rehab. QUASAR Bush, yes... He shall be my first stop. Take me to your bush, Bippo. BIPPO Shouldn't you buy me dinner first? KEVIN Say, can I go? I've always wanted to meet the president. LIAM All right, let's make a roadtrip out of it! Let's all go see the president! We'll take the pick up! QUASAR Crappy earth transportation? Sorry, I'd rather travel in style. Quasar whistles and his COSMIC BOOGIE BOARD crashes through the window and levitates in from of him. Everyone looks. BIPPO You know, this reminds me of that comic book where the silver guy has the surf board and... QUASAR This is different. BIPPO But it's really simil-- QUASAR DIFFERENT! Everyone hop on. Everyone gets on the cosmic boogie board and they all crash out the window and sail into the night sky. INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER Nightflyer, Colossal Chunk, Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, and Captain Spaz are sitting around the meeting table. NIGHTFLYER I don't trust him. He's got to have some kind of ulterior motive. ULTRAWOMAN I totally agree, Nightflyer. BLUE FAIRY I don't. I say we let him in. ULTRAWOMAN Are you seriously suggesting giving the man who charged $100 a head to save orphans from a fire and then $500 for the rest of their bodies? BLUE FAIRY I will be the first to admit that Capeman's methods are wanting to say the least, but you can't tell me you haven't noticed a change in him since he got hit on the head a few months back. CAPTAIN SPAZ He's an asshole. BLUE FAIRY True, but he's a well known and tremendously powerful asshole. Adding him to the lineup could finally add credibility to the Justice Squad. Tell me you're not tired of doing seat belt PSAs! NIGHTFLYER He's unstable, he's self-centered, he's a dick... BLUE FAIRY And he knows something WE don't! ULTRAWOMAN What do you mean? BLUE FAIRY I've.. Noticed that over the last few months, Capeman's been going out of his way to rescue people and making sure that people take a certain path... It's almost as if he's putting pawns in place. NIGHTFLYER But for what purpose? BLUE FAIRY I don't know. If it's for good, we should know about it and if it's for evil... Well, you know the old saying: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Everyone thinks about that. NIGHTFLYER I say we put it to a vote. CAPTAIN SPAZ A second that. ULTRAWOMAN All right. I will freely admit that, as far as I know, I'm the closest person that Capeman has to a friend... He may trust me, but I don't trust him. I say we deny his petition for membership. BLUE FAIRY You've heard my reasons. With all due respect to Ultrawoman... I say we let him in. NIGHTFLYER Capeman's a menace. I say no. COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk say let funny Capeman in. CAPTAIN SPAZ You guys may think he's changed, but he take every opportunity to tell me how useless my powers are. I say that not only do we not allow him membership, but we leave a flaming bag of dog doo on his front step. ULTRAWOMAN The vote is 3-2. Capeman is denied membership. NIGHTFLYER Huzzah! INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - ANOTHER ROOM Capeman is listening through the wall. EXT. WASHINGTON DC - THE WHITE HOUSE Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar arrive on the front lawn. INT. THE OVAL OFFICE GEORGE W. BUSH is leaning back in his chair making paper airplanes when the intercom goes off. SECRETARY (over intercom) Mister President, there's a funny looking kid, a man selling make-up, a clown, and a blue guy with a boogie board here to see you. The president mulls that over, opens his desk drawer, takes out a bottle of Kentucky Red Eye, and tosses it out the window. GEORGE W. BUSH Send them in, but tell them to wipe their feet. Liam, Quasar, Kevin, and Bippo enter. GEORGE W. BUSH Bippo! WASSAP!!?? BIPPO WASSSAP!? GEORGE W. BUSH WASSSSAP! BIPPO WASSSSSSSSSSSAP! George W. Bush picks up the phone. GEORGE W. BUSH Yo, Dicky! Pick up the phone! INT. DICK CHANEY'S OFFICE Vice President Dick Chaney picks up the phone. VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY Hello? INTERCUT GEORGE W. BUSH WASSSSSSSUP!? VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY WASSSSSSSUP! BIPPO WASSSSSSSUP!? INT. A BUNKER TONY BLAIR picks up the phone. TONY BLAIR Ahoy? INTERCUT GEORGE W. BUSH WASSSSSSSSSUP! TONY BLAIR WASSSSSSSUP!? VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY WASSSSSSSUP!? BIPPO WASSSSSSSUP! INT. THE VATICAN The Pope picks up the phone. THE POPE Hello? INTERCUT GEORGE W. BUSH WAAAAAASSSSSSSSUP! VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY WAAAAAAAAAASSSSSUPPPPP!? TONY BLAIR WASSSSSSSUP!!?? BIPPO WAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUP!? THE POPE (annoyed) SHADDUP! GEORGE W. BUSH SHAAAADUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH... TONY BLAIR ...UUUUUUUUUUUUH.... VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUH.... BIPPO ...UUUUUUUUUUUUH... THE POPE (Tongue sticking out) ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP! The Pope hangs up, Bippo hangs up, Dick Chaney hangs up, Tony Blair hangs up, George W. Bush hangs up. LIAM Man, that bit's really gotten old. GEORGE W. BUSH So, how can I help you boys? Quasar, Kevin, and Liam look at each other and shrug. QUASAR Mister President, I'm Quasar the herald of Mike. GEORGE W. BUSH Uh-huh. QUASAR I'm here to inform you that in twelve cycles, you sphere will be ingested by the überbeing known throughout existence... as Mike. BIPPO, KEVIN, LIAM WHAT!? GEORGE W. BUSH (blank look) Whoa! Whoa! Hold up there Wordy McBigWords! And that means what? QUASAR In twelve of your hours, my master... The omnipotent being known as Mike will take your world and consume it entirely. GEORGE W. BUSH (blank look) Buh? QUASAR (to Liam) YOU elected this guy? LIAM Don't blame me. My vote didn't count! QUASAR (to Bush) My boss is coming to eat the Earth. GEORGE W. BUSH Well, as long as he doesn't mess with America, we're okay! KEVIN But America is on earth! GEORGE W. BUSH What? I though that was one of those big islandy thingies... You know like Australia. LIAM A continent? GEORGE W. BUSH Yes, as long as he eats the continent of earth, than he'll have no trouble with us. BIPPO Earth is a planet. GEORGE W. BUSH So? KEVIN America is ON Earth. George W. Bush thinks about that. GEORGE W. BUSH My... GOD! (a beat) I forgot to order lunch. Quasar throws his hands up in frustration. Liam takes Quasar to the side. LIAM You mean to tell me that this Mike guy is going to eat the entire Earth? QUASAR It's what he does. He sends me before him so that I can instill fear in everyone and then he comes and eats the planet like a pumpkin pie. KEVIN And you thought nothing of telling us this? QUASAR You guys didn't tell me what YOU did for a living! BIPPO This is terrible! Mike can't eat the Earth! It's where I keep all my stuff! LIAM Is there any way we can stop him? QUASAR Mike? I don't think so. I mean, I've seen the most powerful beings of dozens of worlds turned into hors'devours when they went up against Mike's might. LIAM Well, there must be SOME way! George W. Bush jumps up. GEORGE W. BUSH I've got it! Everyone looks at the president. KEVIN What? GEORGE W. BUSH I'll have a meatball sub for lunch! Everyone stares at the president and then turns back to the conversation. LIAM But you can't just let Mike keep destroying worlds! QUASAR Yeah, it is kind of a bummer... All right, I'll humor you guys for a while and help you. You know any superhumans? LIAM A few. EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE Liam, Quasar, Bippo, and Kevin get on the Cosmic Boogie Board and fly off. FADE TO: INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS BASEMENT JESSE GLASPEY and JOHNATHAN KRUGER are sitting in chairs watching TV and smoking pot. JOHNATHAN Okay, guess what I am. Johnathan sits still. JESSE You're chopped ham. JOHNATHAN DAMN! You win again! Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar run down the stairs. Johnathan and Jesse quickly hide their joints under their seat cushions. LIAM Guys! We need your help! JOHNATHAN Did you hear that, Jesse? Someone came to us for help! JESSE At last, The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham is gaining a reputation in the crime fighting world! LIAM Actually, we went looking for Capeman and couldn't find him. KEVIN The Justice Squad is on the moon. BIPPO Bahama Mön., The Texan, The Big Apple, Superguy, Black Puma, and all the other superheroes are unavailable. LIAM And Mr. T is off fighting the Turkish Mafia. BIPPO You were our last choice. JESSE BUT... We were chosen and that's a step up! What can we help you with? Johnathan's and Jesse's chairs catch fire from the joints. BIPPO Well, for one you can put out your furniture. JESSE They'll burn out. LIAM This is Quasar. QUASAR The herald of Mike. LIAM Mike's his boss. QUASAR And he's coming to eat the world. LIAM Can you stop him? JOHNATHAN Pitting the might of Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham against some guy named Mike? This should be a short fight! JESSE Where can we find this... Mike? QUASAR Space... He should be about 34 million miles from galactic north. Jesse and Johnathan stare blankly. QUASAR Up. JOHNATHAN Right! Jesse looks over at the flaming furniture and finally throws bong water on it, smothering the flames. JESSE Damn nogahide (Beat) To the Weasel Wagon! JOHNATHAN The Weasel Wagon! A pause. JOHNATHAN The Weasel Wagon? JESSE Yeah, it's a spaceship I bought from the Paramount backlot. JOHNATHAN I thought we agreed to discuss major purchases. JESSE Later... DOCTOR WHAM NO! If I went out and bought a car and called it... oh, I don't know... the Wham-moblie, you'd have a cardiac! JESSE The Wham-mobile? Dude, that's gay. We'll discuss this later! Now, there's a Mike in space who seriously needs an ass-kicking! TO THE WEASEL WAGON! JOHNATHAN (less than enthusiastic) The... (sigh) ...Weasel Wagon. Jesse and Johnathan grab some fireman's poles and slide down. They stop after sliding about five feet where their heads are still visible. JESSE That was fun. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN! LIAM We are soooooo doomed. EXT. EARTH ORBIT The Delta Flyer from Star Trek: Voyager blasts off. On the side, the words WEASEL WAGON have been crudely spray painted on the side. INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER Capeman and Ultrawoman are walking down the corridor. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman, I'm sorry that we turned you down, but you've given us very little choice. You past actions have been... Well... Horrible! That's not something we want in the Justice Squad. CAPEMAN My getting in to this group is important! More important than you can imagine! ULTRAWOMAN Why? Capeman is silent. ULTRAWOMAN Let me guess, you can't tell me just like you couldn't tell Blue Fairy why you had him de-age Thad Coffey or why you all of the sudden ended your partnership with Jason Donner. Capeman, the Squad needs unconditional trust and, frankly, that's not something you can give us. She happens to look out the window. ULTRAWOMAN Isn't that the Delta Flyer from Voyager? CAPEMAN I'm using my X-Ray vision... Hey, that's Cosmic Rodent and Doctor Boom or something. ULTRAWOMAN Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham? CAPEMAN Yeah, that's them. You know 'em? ULTRAWOMAN I met them briefly when they applied for membership. I think we hurt their feelings when we just sat there and laughed at them for an hour. CAPEMAN Ouch. ULTRAWOMAN See? It CAN be worse. CAPEMAN (squints, then horrified) What the HELL is THAT!? INT. THE WEASEL WAGON COSMIC WEASEL and DOCTOR WHAM sit at the controls. DOCTOR WHAM Does it smell funny in here to you? Kind of a stale smell that never changes? COSMIC WEASEL Must be lingering traces of Robert Beltran. His acting always stunk. They laugh. Cosmic Weasel points. COSMIC WEASEL THERE! I see a fat man floating in outer space! They look. Sure enough, there is a dumpy fat man in a mu-mu floating in space. DOCTOR WHAM He doesn't look so tough. COSMIC WEASEL Let's smack this bitch up! Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel give each other high fives and laugh as the ship gets closer to Mike. As it does, Mike gets bigger and bigger and bigger and just keeps getting bigger. It's now more and obvious that Mike is humongous. Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham's laughter fades and becomes a faint whimpering and crying. Mike's voice booms into the small ship as his belly button fills the veiwports. MIKE WHO DARES DISTURBITH MIKE: THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS!? COSMIC WEASEL (crying, high pitched voice) Wham? DOCTOR WHAM (crying, high voice) Yeah? COSMIC WEASEL (crying) He's going to kill us. DOCTOR WHAM (bawling) I know-oh-oh-ohhhhh! EXT. SPACE MIKE'S colossal and flabby hand swats the Weasel Wagon exploding it in a million firery pieces. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS ROOF Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar are looking through a telescope. LIAM Oh my God! He just KILLED Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham! FADE OUT: TO BE CONTINUED!!! Please Rate
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