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The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.08 - "The Main Course"
Written by Jason Gaston
Theme Song (sung to the theme of "Greatest American Hero")
Believe it or not, they're mentally impaired
The Justice Squad, Capeman, and Doctor Wham.
And lets not forget The Cosmic Weasel
Look at me!
I can't remember the rest of this song!
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARRING Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys-Davies as "Professor Arturo" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey" ALSO STARRING Leon Lai as "Kevin Riley" GUEST STARRING Seth Green as "Quasar"
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM, KEVIN, BIPPO, and QUASAR are milling around. LIAM Great! We're responsible for the deaths of the world's most mediocre superheroes! I feel so guilty! BIPPO Look on the bright side, Liam! With Jesse and Johnathan out of the basement, I can incinerate carcasses in peace! With them down there they were always trying to make s'mores or something. Pissed me off... but I don't guess any of that matters since Quasar's boss is coming to eat us and the world like a planetary pop tart. (a beat) Who wants to play Scrabble? KEVIN (sobbing) I just realized that I'm a grown man who sells makeup for a living! Suddenly, the hologram of MIKE appears in the middle of the room. Liam, Bippo, and Kevin jump back in fright. MIKE QUASAR! QUASAR Look, Mike... I know what you're going to say and, yes, I did tell the president of the United States that you're coming, but... Well... He's a dumbass. MIKE It 'tis of no matter... My hunger growith with each passing moment. You shall go forth now and induce terror in thy population with thine phenomenal cosmic powers. Quasar nods and the hologram goes out. He grabs his boogie board, looks at the others and shrugs. QUASAR Tough titty! He jumps on his boogie board and starts for the window. LIAM Wait! Stop! Liam grabs the back of the boogie board and the two take off into the sky. Kevin and Bippo watch him go. BIPPO I'm going to miss him. He was fun. EXT. LAS VEGAS Quasar rides his cosmic boogie board through the Las Vegas sky. Liam finally manages to pull himself onto the board. QUASAR Hey, Liam. Wanted a front row seat? That's cool. LIAM Quasar! What are you going to do? QUASAR Well, Mike has this thing about liking the taste of a planet more if everyone on it's terrified and stuff, so he sends me to do stuff like this. Quasar vaporizes Treasure Island casino with his pinkie finger. LIAM Stop it! You don't have to do this! QUASAR I guess you can say that I'm a tenderizer of sorts. Quasar points his finger at the MGM Grand. INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE Donner is talking on a phone as he walks out onto the balcony. DONNER So that stock flatlined too? Okay, well try dumping a million or two into . (a beat) Yes, I know it's out of business, but I have a gut feeling it's about to make a comeback! (a beat) I don't pay you to think! (a beat) I don't pay you to quit! (a beat) Hello? Hello? Donner hangs up and sees Liam and Quasar on the boogie board. DONNER (yelling) Hey! Liam! What are you doing up... (shocked) Oh, SH*T!!! Donner dives off the balcony as one of Quasars energy beams vaporizes the top floors MGM Grand. Donner falls and falls and falls and falls. EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP A Truck that says MATTRESSES IN AN HOUR sits in the road. Donner falls into the back and then bounces right back out. EXT. LAS VEGAS Quasar and Liam are in the sky on the boogie board as Donner flies into frame. DONNER You two are SO sued! Donner falls again. EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP Another truck labeled PILLOWS 'R' US is sitting in the middle of the road. Donner falls into the back causing a rain of feathers and down. Donner pulls himself up and looks at his ruined home. DONNER MY HOME!!! WHY GOD, WHY!? DAMN YOU ALL!!! DAMN YOU STRAIT TO HELL!!! WHY!? Someone hands Donner an Oscar. He looks at it in confusion. EXT. LAS VEGAS Quasar and Liam are on the Boogie Board. QUASAR Well, let's go check out Los Angeles. I hear that the Church of Scientology is desperately in need of some 'sssssploding. They sail away. INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER In the war room, all of the heroes are assembled. NIGHTFLYER So, guys... How's life been treating you? COSMIC WEASEL Fine. DOCTOR WHAM Good. NIGHTFLYER Great! Listen, I wanted to thank you guys for being such great examples. Cos and Wham looks at each other. DOCTOR WHAM Examples? COSMIC WEASEL Us? DOCTOR WHAM That's amazing! NIGHTFLYER Yeah, it's folks like you that make people in the closet that much more braver to come out. Nightflyer walks off. DOCTOR WHAM Did you hear that, Cos? Someone's trapped in the closet! COSMIC WEASEL No... Nightflyer said that it will take bravery for this person to come out and that bravery comes from within. There's... Nothing we can do. Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham hang their heads in sadness. ULTRAWOMAN (O.S.) Guys, if I could get you to have a seat here? They both look up quickly with huge smiles on their faces. COSMIC WEASEL & DOCTOR WHAM 'KAY! Cos and Wham run over to the meeting table where COLOSSAL CHUNK, CAPTAIN SPAZ, CAPEMAN, ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, and NIGHTFLYER are already seated. Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham take their seats directly across from Ultrawoman and Nightflyer. ULTRAWOMAN Here's what we know so far. Mike is over two thousand feet tall and weighs over 600 billion metric tons. A hologram of Mike is activated on the table top. ULTRAWOMAN Probes have been sent to Mike from the moon base... And eaten, so we sent less tasty probes and they were eaten as well. Finally, we wrapped the probes in food from Arbys and they went unmolested and managed to radio back these readings. ULTRAWOMAN We've mapped out several potiental weak spots on Mike, but a new problem has arisen on Earth. Doctor Wham is looking at Ultrawoman's tah-tahs. DOCTOR WHAM That's not the only thing a'rising. Ultrawoman looks at Wham with disinterest. ULTRAWOMAN Uh-huh (to everyone) This is the new problem. A hologram of Quasar and Liam riding the boogie board appears. COSMIC WEASEL Hey, isn't that Liam? ULTRAWOMAN This blue guy's been going all over the globe blowing stuff up with his phenomenal cosmic powers. CAPEMAN What in God's name is Liam doing? He can't endanger himself like that! I've got to go save his skinny pinko ass! Ultrawoman stops him. ULTRAWOMAN No, we need you to battle Mike. We're sending Cosmic Weasel, Doctor Wham, Captain Spaz, and Nightflyer after this Quasar guy. CAPEMAN Oh, the useless ones, huh? ULTRAWOMAN Basically. CAPEMAN But, I need to... ULTRAWOMAN (firm) You wanted to prove that you can be a Justice Squad member? Prove it by following my orders and trusting your teammates! They will take care of it! Capeman stands there for a second. CAPEMAN Weasel, Wham, Nightflyer, Spaz... They look at him. CAPEMAN He's more important than you can possible know. Don't let me down. Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, and Capeman exit away to confront Mike. EXT. SPACE Blue Fairy, Capeman, and Ultrawoman fly into the stars on their way to fight Mike. EXT. PARIS, FRANCE Colossal Chunk, Captain Spaz, Nightflyer, Cosmic Weasel, and Doctor Wham appear in the town. The Eifel Tower can be seen in the distance. Cosmic Weasel looks at it. COSMIC WEASEL What the hell are we doing in London? CAPTAIN SPAZ This is Paris, you simpleton. We're here because according to our data, this is the next place that Quasar will hit. NIGHTFLYER But this will not be an easily won fight. Nay, my friends... These proud people won't just stand idly by as... SPLAT! A tomato hits Nightflyer in the face. Camera angles upward to reveal QUASAR on his boogie board with a crate of rotten tomatoes. LIAM SMITH is shakily hanging on to the back. FRENCH GUY #1 AH! HE HAS TOMATOES! FRENCH GUY #2 WE SURRENDER! Quasar laughs a snide laugh and takes off for the horizon, but not before vaporizing the Eifel Tower, The Louve, and the Arch de Triumph. DOCTOR WHAM Well, THAT was embarrassing... Fortunately, we're used to being humiliated in public. COSMIC WEASEL Yeah, so what if the entire country of France surrendered in less than ten seconds under our protection. We've done worse. Nightflyer, Spaz, and Chunk look at them. DOCTOR WHAM Actually, we haven't. COSMIC WEASEL Oh, damn... You're right. EXT. SPACE Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Blue Fairy finally arrive at the gargantuan fat guy in space. CAPEMAN Do you think that's Mike? BLUE FAIRY I don't know, let's check. (yelling) HEY! ARE YOU MIKE!? No answer. Mike just glares at them like insects. BLUE FAIRY I SAID, EXCUSE ME! ARE YOU MIKE: THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS!? Still no answer. ULTRAWOMAN Okay, we've got a ten thousand foot fat guy floating in space. For the time being, let's assume that this is Mike. CAPEMAN So what do we do now? He's just giving us that uninterested look as if we don't mean anything to him. BLUE FAIRY If that's true, why did he take the time to smack Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham? ULTRAWOMAN Would YOU let the opportunity to smack those two pass without doing something? BLUE FAIRY Noted. CAPEMAN I say we punch him a couple of times and see what happens. ULTRAWOMAN Well, I say we try diplomacy. CAPEMAN Punching is faster. ULTRAWOMAN Diplomacy is better. CAPEMAN Compromise is the tool of the weak. ULTRAWOMAN And violence is the last bastian for the immature. CAPEMAN Oh yeah? Well you're ugly! EXT. BEIJING, CHINA Quasar is flying around on his cosmic boogie board blowing up stuff left and right. Liam is hanging on for his life. Suddenly, Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel jump into frame and land on the back of the board. COSMIC WEASEL Weasel powers, don't fail me now! QUASAR Oh, hi guys. Nice to see that Mike didn't really kill you. So, what's up? DOCTOR WHAM We're here to stop you, foul blue teenaged punk from the outer recesses of space and time! Everyone looks at Doctor Wham. COSMIC WEASEL (through teeth) You're EMBARRASSING me! LIAM Guy? Less bitching, more saving please? QUASAR Wait a minute... Wait a minute... You two are going to stop me? DOCTOR WHAM That's right, you... Foul... Uh... Bad... Person. QUASAR You two trying to stop me? That's funny. COSMIC WEASEL Why? Quasar hits them with an energy beam and the two topple off the board and demolish a 2000 year old temple on impact. COLOSSAL CHUNK (weakly) Weasel... Senses... Tingling. COSMIC WEASEL (weakly) Little late. Quasar and Liam look down. QUASAR (gives them the finger) Yeah, beooooootch! LIAM I'll miss them. They were fun. EXT. BEIJING, CHINA Colossal Chunk sees Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham go down. COLOSSAL CHUNK Little blue man make rodent man and doctor go bye-bye. CHUNK SMASH! Chunk picks up an entire building and throws it at Quasar. Quasar looks at the approaching building, smirks, and then vaporizes it with his pinkie finger. INT. THE RUINED TEMPLE Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel drag themselves out of the crater. COSMIC WEASEL Well, look on the bright side. At least we're not hurt. Suddenly, Cos and Wham find themselves on the business end of several guns held by the Chinese Army. CHINESE SOILDER You have violated Chinese airspace! You will be detained, you stupid insolent uneducated unwashed American dooshbag costumed Metahumans! DOCTOR WHAM Hey! Who are you calling costumed? Suddenly, DECOY XXV jumps into frame. DECOY XXV Not to worry! DECOY is here to save you! Suddenly, Decoy is sucked into the propeller of the US Spy Plane splattering the runway with guts, blood, and goo. COSMIC WEASEL Sh*t. EXT. BEIJING, CHINA Nightflyer and Captain Spaz flies along side in Captain Spaz' semi-transparent helicopter. Nightflyer throws several triangle-rangs at Quasar who dodges all of them and catches one effortlessly. He looks at the little pink triangle weapon. QUASAR This yours? NIGHTFLYER Yeah, so? Quasar throws the triangle-rang at the helicopter which goes down in flames. Nightflyer and Captain Spaz leap out and float gently to the ground on parachutes. NIGHTFLYER This is not quite going the way I expected. CAPTAIN SPAZ You mean with Chunk tearing up China, the alien blowing up my semi transparent helicopter, and Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham being taken prisoner for violating Chinese airspace? NIGHTFLYER Actually, I WAS somewhat expecting that last part. Say, where's that Quasar fellow, anyway? CAPTAIN SPAZ (checks tracker) Uh... heading across the Pacific back to America. NIGHTFLYER Grrr... It was alright when he was blowing up people and stuff in other countries, but now he's going back to America? INTOLERABLE! CAPTAIN SPAZ I wonder what he's doing? NIGHTFLYER Something horribly evil, no doubt. INT. PLANET HOLLYWOOD, LOS ANGELES Quasar and Liam are sitting at a table ordering food from a waiter. QUASAR I'll have the Lord of the Onion Rings, the Jar Jar-B-Q, and a large Mountain Dew. WAITER Very good choice, sir. And you? LIAM Give me the Lawrence Fishburg-er, with the Lord of the Fries and a water. WAITER Excellent. I'll have that out to you in a jiffy. QUASAR So, Liam... What do you think of planetary annihilation so far? LIAM I think it's sick! Those poor kangaroos in Australia never had a chance! QUASAR But just think, the ranchers will eat like kings! LIAM So will Mike, I guess. QUASAR Look, it's not like I like my job or anything. LIAM Then why don't you do something about it? QUASAR Like what? Tell Mike to piss off? I don't know if you've noticed or not, but Mike isn't someone to f*ck with! Besides, what do I care? LIAM There's got to be some way to get through those layers of superhuman angst and convince you that the Earth is worth saving! QUASAR Oh, you're not going to start THAT again, are you? Look, you whined when I blew up The Alamo and the Taj Mahol, and the Brazilian Rainforest, and the Great Wall, and the Kremlin. (high-pitched mocking) "Oh, NO! Don't blow THAT up! It's sssssspecial! It's worth presssserving!" LIAM Well, there's got to be something! You weren't moved by the beauty of Niagara Falls or the lush forests or Siberia... There must be something that'll appeal to you! Maybe if I put myself in your shoes... When I was a teenager, what was the one thing I couldn't stop thinking about? (a idea) Do you like G.I. Joes? Something has caught Quasar's attention. QUASAR Who is THAT!? Camera angels around to reveal a KARI WUHRER display for the movie ANACONDA. LIAM That? That's Kari Wuhrer. QUASAR She's HOT! LIAM Yes, good of you to notice... Now, about appealing to your fickle nature... QUASAR Are there more women like this on your planet? LIAM A few, I guess. QUASAR LOOK AT THOSE HOO-HOOS! Liam raises an eyebrow. LIAM Quasar... Buddy... Come with me. I think I know a place you're going to love. EXT. SPACE Capeman and Ultrawoman are arguing. Blue Fairy is floating nearby noticeabl bored. Mike is taking up the background. CAPEMAN FIGHT ULTRAWOMAN TALK! CAPEMAN VIOLENCE! ULTRAWOMAN COMPROMISE! CAPEMAN RETALIATE! ULTRAWOMAN NEGOTIATE! CAPEMAN LESS FILLING! ULTRAWOMAN TASTES GREAT! Suddenly, Mike speaks. MIKE FOOLS! MIKE HATH HAD ENOUGH OF THINE WITTLESS PRATTLING! MY HUNGER GROWITH UNBEARABLE! THY EARTH WILL BE MINE TO CONSUME! Mike farts and jets past them. BLUE FAIRY (fans himself) NASTY! ULTRAWOMAN Well, it doesn't look like that fat f*ck is going to leave us any choice, does it? CAPEMAN So does that mean we get to resort to senseless violence and acts of barbarism? ULTRAWOMAN Sure, knock yourself out or, better yet, knock him out. CAPEMAN (high pitch squeak) I'm SO HAPPY! The three heroes fly at Mike and attack him, but every time they punch, their fists just ricochet back and all they end up doing is smacking themselves in the face several times. BLUE FAIRY Ow! That hurts! CAPEMAN It's as if his flab is a natural barrier of some sort. You know, a bouncy-offey kind of thing. ULTRAWOMAN A forcefield? CAPEMAN Hey, that's catchy! Let's use that! ULTRAWOMAN Well, Mike is nearing the Earth! We have to stop him even if it means the two of you have to die. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make! BLUE FAIRY YEAH! CAPEMAN LET'S GET 'EM! They fly towards Mike. CAPEMAN Hey, wait a minute... INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER Nightflyer, Colossal Chunk, and Captain Spaz are looking at satellite photos. NIGHTFLYER As you can see, Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham are still sitting on this Chinese runway and haven't moved in over two hours. CAPTAIN SPAZ Have you explained to the Chinese that we were violating their airspace because we're trying to save the world from the giant fat guy that we can see in orbit from the surface of the planet? NIGHTFLYER Yeah, they said it was nothing but capitalist propaganda. On the plus side, though, they said that they'd release both of them... But only piece by piece in crates. I told them we'd think about it. COLOSSAL CHUNK What about funny blue man? NIGHTFLYER No sign of him. It's as if he's fallen off the face of the Earth and took Liam Smith with him! INT. A VIDEO STORE Liam and Quasar walk among the shelves of the adult section. QUASAR Look at all the skin! LIAM Yep, this is one of my favorite places in the world. Here you can rent every Kari Wuhrer movie ever made. Look at this: Kari Wuher starring in "Womb Raider". Kari Wuher starring in "Pearl Necklace Harbor", "Sex Trek: The Next Penetration", "Doctor Dildo little". QUASAR (reading boxes) Kari Wuher in "Whore of the Worlds", "Eyes Wide Slut". Wow! Kari Wuher in "Atlan-tits: The Lust Empire", "James Bondage", "Cats and Doggie-style", "Glad He Ate Her"! This planet has SEX on VIDEO! This has got to be the greatest innovation in the universe! These beats the hell out of the Corallien's cure for everything serum! LIAM That's what I'm always saying, but people won't acknowledge this as an art! QUASAR What people? LIAM The Christian Right, the Christian Left, Parent's Groups, Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Libertarians, Independents... Hell... Everyone, really. QUASAR (looks at videos) I CAN'T let this planet be destroyed! I CAN'T LET THIS PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS PORNO INTO MIKE'S FAT MOUTH! Quasar leaps onto his board and sails out the window. BIPPO, KEVIN, ARTURO, and THAD rush around the corner. ARTURO Liam, are you all right? THAD We've been watching you ride around with that blue guy on the news? What up wit dat? LIAM It's all right, guys. I think I just saved the world thanks to the hormone soaked teenaged sexual frustration we all got over years ago. KEVIN (picks up box) Oh, this is a new one! Kari Wuher in "Planet of the Rapes". Liam snatches the box away from him. LIAM GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIE! MINE! MINE! MINE! Liam curls up the corner growling at everyone. BIPPO The SAVIOR of the Earth, Ladies and Gentlemen! Bippo claps. Everyone else just stares. EXT. SPACE, EARTH ORBIT Mike is very close to the Earth and opening his massive mouth to take a hunk out of our beautiful world. Capeman, Blue Fairy, and Ultrawoman are all trapped in his rolls. ULTRAWOMAN DISGUSTING! CAPEMAN It feels like I'm trapped in warm gravy! BLUE FAIRY I need a bath... And then some serious therapy! ULTRAWOMAN LOOK! He's about to take a bite of the Earth! CAPEMAN POOPIES! BLUE FAIRY Hey, what's that? Capeman looks. CAPEMAN Hey, it's that blue guy that the others were supposed to be fighting! ULTRAWOMAN So I guess they failed too. BLUE FAIRY No big shock there. MIKE QUASAR! WHAT ART THOU DOING HERE!? WHY ARTN'T THOU SPREADING FEAR AND TERROR, THERILY!!? QUASAR I'm not going to let you eat this planet, Mike! I'm a teenager and I've got all of these damn hormones and stuff! MIKE AND THIS IS THINE REASON TO BETRAYITH ME? QUASAR EARTH HAS PORNO AND I'M HORNY, ALL RIGHT!? Quasar opens fire with his energy beams. It hits Mike in the chest and the giant jerks back in pain freeing Capeman, Blue Fairy, and Ultrawoman. There is now a small wound in his chest. MIKE INSOLENT FOOL! Mike swats Quasar sending him tumbling into the recesses of space. ULTRAWOMAN The kid's given us a chance! Let's take it! Capeman, you help me take out Mike. Blue Fairy, go rescue the kid! Capeman and Ultrawoman take off after Mike as Blue Fairy goes after Quasar. Capeman and Ultrawoman are swatted away like flies. CAPEMAN This is so useless! We're like bacteria to him! ULTRAWOMAN OH NO! HE'S GOING TO TAKE A BITE! Mike is bending over to take a bite of the world. EXT. THE ATLANTIC ATLANTIS suddenly rises from the ocean and all sorts of massive guns and stuff sprouts from the city. Millions upon millions of troops march out the buildings. ATLAINTIAN GENERAL THE DAY IS OURS, MEN! THE EARTH ONCE AGAIN BELONGS TO ATLANTIS AND THERE IS NO ONE TO STOP US FROM SPILLING THE BLOOD OF BILLIONS! From the sky, a gigantic mouth appears and begins to overtake the continent. The general looks up at the five mile high teeth surrounding them. ATLANTIAN GENERAL Aw, f*ck! CLAH-BOOM! In an impressive display of size and computer generated special effects, the lost continent of Atlantis becomes the devoured continent of Atlantis. EXT. EARTH ORBIT Mike rises, chewing what's left of the incomprehensible subplot, with a large portion of the pacific ocean trickling from his chins. CAPEMAN HOLY SH*T! DID YOU SEE THAT!? EXT. SPACE Blue Fairy catches Quasar and his boogie board. BLUE FAIRY It's all right, kid. I've got you. QUASAR (weakly) One way to stop... Mike. BLUE FAIRY How? QUASAR Mike's... Big fat ass... cholesterol count off the scale... BLUE FAIRY Yeah, we know that, but how do we stop him! Quasar gives Blue Fairy the boogie board. QUASAR Artery... EXT. EARTH ORBIT Mike is still chewing on Atlantis as Capeman and Ultrawoman fight in vain to stop him with heat vision and energy beams. CAPEMAN (to Mike) There are eight other planets in the solar system, you know! Why do you gotta pick on us!? MIKE (mouth full) Life is good! It tasteith sweet! Say, since I just killed my herald how would THOU likeith thy job? Thy pay stinks, but thou wouldst get to travel. Here, takeith mine card. Mike flicks his business card at Capeman, knocking our hero out of the way. Ultrawoman goes to help him and Blue Fairy flies to them carrying the boogie board and Quasar's unconscious body. CAPEMAN (reading huge print on card) Oh, look! This guy's a PhD! BLUE FAIRY GUYS! GUYS! I think I know how to beat Mike! Quasar said that Mike's cholesterol count is very high and told me to block the artery with this! He holds up the board. ULTRAWOMAN ...and give this fat bastard a heart attack! CAPEMAN I'm using my x-ray vision. I see his main artery and, yes, it is 90 percent blocked. It's going to be dangerous for whoever goes inside because he's got all sorts of immunities and... GAH! Capeman doubles over in pain. ULTRAWOMAN What!? What!? Some kind of defense? Are you okay? CAPEMAN I'm fine. I just accidentally saw his schlong. It's horrible, I tell you! HORRIBLE! BLUE FAIRY Whoever goes inside will probably be killed! (holds up Quasar) Too bad this little bastard isn't conscious or we could send him. ULTRAWOMAN Give him a break, Fairy. He risked his life to give us a chance. CAPEMAN And he's really powerful and could probably kick all of our asses. In the distance, MIKE licks his lips. MIKE I THINK I SHALL TRY THIS continent NOW! He points to North America. ULTRAWOMAN Oh SH*T! No time to argue! I'll take the board and block the artery! CAPEMAN A noble sacrifice, Ultrawoman. There's just one problem. ULTRAWOMAN What? Capeman takes the board. CAPEMAN Yoink! Capeman takes off for Mike. ULTRAWOMAN CAPEMAN, NO! Capeman tears through space as Mike bends over to earth North America. EXT. LAS VEGAS Liam, Bippo, Arturo, Kevin, and Thad rush out of the book store and look into the sky to see Mike's Mouth taking up the entire sky. ARTURO GOOD LORD! LIAM GAH! THIS IS THE END! He holds up the video, "Planet of the Rapes". LIAM At least we still have each other. He holds the video close to his heart. EXT. SPACE, EARTH ORBIT As Mike prepares to eat North America, Capeman zooms towards the wound in his chest caused by Quasar. Capeman looks disgusted, but then takes a big breath and jumps into the wound. INT. MIKE'S BLOODSTREAM The walls of the artery are caked with fatty cholesterol as Capeman fights the current trying to get to the heart. Finally, he sees a portion of the artery almost completely closed up by cholesterol. He places the boogie board in place, but is immediately attacked by dozens of white blood cells. Capeman manages to fight them off, but watches as the boogie board rushes away from him and is pulverized by the heart. EXT. LAS VEGAS Mike's Mouth continues to bear down on the entire continent. People rush out of the Casinos in a panic. CHOCOLATE TREAT wanders onto the screen. CHOCOLATE TREAT I've done some kinky stuff in my day, but this beats all! INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Tempus is reading a newspaper. He looks out the window, sees the massive mouth, and then back at the paper. TEMPUS I hate Mondays. INT. MIKE'S BLOODSTREAM Capeman desperately looks around for something to block the artery, but at last he has to face the fact that there is only one thing he can use... Himself. He jumps into the narrow opening, plugging it with his own body. EXT. SPACE, EARTH ORBIT Mike is about to make a meal out of North America when he suddenly rises and grabs his chest. MIKE MY HEART! ARRRRRRGH! Mike begins to expand. ULTRAWOMAN What the hell? Is... Is he getting fatter? BLUE FAIRY It looks like it. I guess this is what happens to one of his people when they have a heart attack. ULTRAWOMAN You mean...? BLUE FAIRY HE'S GONNA BLOW! Ultrawoman grabs Quasar and she and Blue Fairy take off like ruptured ducks. MIKE SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIII-- KER-BLAM! Mike explodes sending a shower of fatty chunks, bone, and pieces of a flaming Mu-Mu flying everywhere. ULTRAWOMAN Oh my God! CAPEMAN! FADE TO: INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER Capeman wakes up in a hospital bed and sees the faces of Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, Captain Spaz, Quasar, and Colossal Chunk staring down at him. CAPEMAN What are YOU doing here? ULTRAWOMAN Well, I guess that's a little less cliche than, "Where am I? Who am I?" CAPEMAN What happened? ULTRAWOMAN You did it. You plunged deep into Mike's body and the force exploded him! CAPEMAN Could you not phrase it like that? Going inside the body of a ten billion ton fat guy was really gross. ULTRAWOMAN Sorry, how about "you blew Mike"? CAPEMAN I see nothing wrong with that. Quasar, Spaz, and Blue Fairy snicker while Chunk stands there blankly. CAPEMAN What's so funny? ULTRAWOMAN Yeah, we all owe Capeman a debt for blowing Mike! Quasar, Spaz, and Blue Fairy die laughing. Capeman jumps out of bed and walks over to Quasar. CAPEMAN Well, we definitely owe a debt of gratitude to young Quasar here with his phenomenal cosmic powers and stuff. QUASAR Well, with Mike... (gives Capeman a look) ...blown... (to others) ...my powers have been downsized. In fact, without my cosmic boogie board, I'm pretty much an average superhuman. ULTRAWOMAN Really? Well, in that case you're under arrest. Ultrawoman puts cuffs on Quasar. QUASAR What!? Why!? ULTRAWOMAN You blew up over a hundred landmarks, sacred sights, national treasures, and the Vienna Boys Chior during your little rampage for Mike. Sorry kid, but the law's the law. CAPTAIN SPAZ Yeah. From now on if you want to blow up the treasures of humanity, you'll have to do it from prison. QUASAR But... But... BLUE FAIRY But don't worry, I'm sure you'll get a couple of years off for good behavior and for you helping us to save the world and all. QUASAR AW, YOU GUYS SUCK! ULTRAWOMAN Take him to the East Lee S. Capable Minimum Security Prison and introduce him to the other guys: Bitchslap, The Six Billion Dollar Bastard, Leona Hemsly... QUASAR LEONA HELMSLY!? NOOOOOO!!! Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz escort him out. CAPEMAN Now, about what we were talking about earlier... ULTRAWOMAN Earlier? CAPEMAN You know. ULTRAWOMAN With the guy trying to eat the earth and the superpowered kid on the boogie board, maybe you can refresh my memory? CAPEMAN I want in the Justice Squad. ULTRAWOMAN (groans) Capeman, we discussed this. You petitioned and we voted against you 3-2. CAPEMAN But if you changed your vote, I'd be in, right? ULTRAWOMAN You don't know how I voted. CAPEMAN You hate my methods and tell me I'm an idiot on a weekly basis. ULTRAWOMAN All right, so maybe you DO know how I voted, but that doesn't change what you are... Or what you were. I'm sorry, Capeman... in a funny way, I consider you a friend, but I just can't vote you in. CAPEMAN And you don't think Nightflyer or Captain Spaz would be willing to change their vote, do you? Ultrawoman stares at him. CAPEMAN Right. Stupid question. They stand there in silence. CAPEMAN I have my reasons why-- ULTRAWOMAN Don't START with that Obi Wan Kenobi crap, Capeman! Ever since you got creamed by MIR it's "I have my reasons" and "I can't tell you why" and "blah, blah, blah!". Blue Fairy says you're positioning pawns but NONE of us know why and YOU won't tell us. Remember what I said about trust in the Justice Squad? Well, that trust has to be unconditional, Capeman. Are you prepared to offer that? CAPEMAN No. I'm not. ULTRAWOMAN Then I can't let you join. I'm sorry. CAPEMAN It's impossible for me to tell you everything, Ultrawoman. I wish I could, but I can't. But you're right... I have been selfish. He turns to her, his back to the camera. CAPEMAN I may not be able to give you the answers you're looking for, but there is one thing I CAN give you. Ultimately, I guess it's the only thing that truly matters. Unseen to the camera, Capeman removes his mask and shows his face to Ultrawoman who reacts in shock. ULTRAWOMAN YOU! But... But HOW!? CAPEMAN I can't tell you that now. All I ask is that you keep who I am a secret that you... INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - CONTINUOUS In the main hall, the entire Justice Squad is seated including Capeman. ULTRAWOMAN ...trust him. Completely and utterly. Nightflyer reacts in shock. NIGHTFLYER WHAT!? You mean you're actually going to let this superpowered musclehead into the Justice Squad without any explanation whatsoever!? ULTRAWOMAN Yes. NIGHTFLYER But-- BLUE FAIRY Well then, that settles it. Capeman, welcome to the Justice Squad of Superheroes. NIGHTFLYER But I-- CAPEMAN Good to be on board. I hope that-- Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham enter. COSMIC WEASEL Hey guys. Sorry we're late. DOCTOR WHAM Yeah. So, how'd that Mike thing go? CAPTAIN SPAZ Oh, that? We won. COSMIC WEASEL Good to know. NIGHTFLYER How'd you two escape the Chinese? DOCTOR WHAM Who? NIGHTFLYER The Chinese. DOCTOR WHAM Oh, THOSE guys. COSMIC WEASEL Well, they held us for a while, fed us some MSG that gave us both the squirts. DOCTOR WHAM And then we remembered we had superpowers and kicked all their asses and stuff. COSMIC WEASEL I guess everything worked out okay. So, what'd we miss? NIGHTFLYER We just gave Capeman membership. COSMIC WEASEL Hey, no fair! We want in too! DOCTOR WHAM Yeah! NIGHTFLYER (to Justice Squad) What do you say, guys? ULTRAWOMAN We could use some reserve members. in case of an emergency. CAPTAIN SPAZ Why the hell not? CAPEMAN Sure. Then I won't be the new guy anymore. BLUE FAIRY Whatever. COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk like chocolate. NIGHTFLYER Well, we seem to be letting ANYONE in today. Welcome aboard, Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham. He shakes their hands. NIGHTFLYER And may I say that's it's refreshing to at last see gay crime fighters take the spotlight for a change. DOCTOR WHAM Gee, thanks. COSMIC WEASEL (To Doctor Wham) Who's he talking about? DOCTOR WHAM Well, the Blue Fairy of course. DUH! The phone rings. Ultrawoman answers. ULTRAWOMAN Hello? (a beat) Hello Mister President. (a beat) Oh, don't worry. We took care of that. (a beat) Yes... AND the big fat guy trying to eat the world. (a beat) No, I don't have the number for Dominoes with me right now. (a beat) Well, thank you, sir! (a beat) Good bye, sir. She hangs up and looks at the others. ULTRAWOMAN That was the president. EVERYONE Duh! ULTRAWOMAN He wanted to let us all know that we did a great job and wants to invite us to a White House dinner of beer and pizza. DOCTOR WHAM Thank GOD there's a good ol' Texas boy in the oval office! Beer and pizza KICK ASS! COSMIC WEASEL TO THE WEASEL WAGON! DOCTOR WHAM The we-- (beat) Wait a minute... The weasel wagon blew up! COSMIC WEASEL I know, but I found a new one in China. It was just sitting there on the runway! And it has all this cool spy stuff on it and all these neat papers with information about top secret stuff and all the marshmallow treats we can eat! DOCTOR WHAM And no Robert Beltran smell! They exit. NIGHTFLYER (sighs) I wonder if the Superfriends are accepting applications. EXT. THE EAST LEE S. CAPABLE MINIMUM SECURITY PRISION Establishing shot. INT. THE EAST LEE S. CAPABLE MINIMUM SECURITY PRISION Quasar is led down the corridor by two guards to one of those visiting areas that has the glass separating the visitor from the prisoner. Quasar sits and, on the other side of the glass, Liam sits. QUASAR Liam, how's it hanging, man? LIAM Fine. You? QUASAR I can't complain. (a beat) They tear gas us if we do. LIAM So, you're all right otherwise? QUASAR Yeah... Shower time is always awkward, but other than that I'm good. So, what are you doing here? LIAM I thought I'd bring this to you. QUASAR I don't suppose there's a file in here, is there? LIAM Don't press your luck Liam slips something through the slot. Quasar holds it up revealing it to be three videocassettes. QUASAR Kari Wuhrer movies? Oh, tell me it's that new animated Kari movie, Poké-thon! LIAM No, it's not. I haven't seen these, but I think that the names speak for themselves. After all, with names like "Dick", "Snatch", and "Blow", you KNOW they're going to be good. QUASAR Thanks Liam. This is going to make me a very popular guy. THE END ROLL CREDITS Please RateResults
