The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.10 - "The Nutty Professor"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT The ARTURO is busy picking up garbage, milkbones, chew toys, and copies of Feisty Bitch magazine off the floor, grumbling to himself as he does so. The door opens and TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG appears. TRIUMPH Good news, tator tot! We are having another party! ARTURO WHAT!? TRIUMPH I've invited some of the bitches from the office down tonight. We talk, we laugh, we drink, we make puddles on the floor... Good times will be had by all! ARTURO (enraged) Except for me, you two-bit comic dog! I'll be stuck cleaning after the mob of mongrels that come padding through here! TRIUMPH Oh, don't be such a poop, Flab-io, I have been thinking about your feelings! In fact, I was telling a rather fetching Saint Bernard about you and she was all a twitter! I even pre-humped her for you and she's great! ARTURO Unlike young Miss VaVoom, I prefer to date within my own species. TRIUMPH HA! You know what you are? You're just a speciesist! ARTURO A what? TRIUMPH I should go and make you a white robe and hood right now! ARTURO Oh, well that's a problem since all of my white sheets have been STAINED WITH YOUR URINE!!! TRIUMPH Then that makes them MY SHEETS! Hand them over, Tubbo! ARTURO YOU DAMN DOG! TRIUMPH FAT F*CK! ARTURO CURSED CUR! TRIUMPH PORTLY PROFF! ARTURO PUTRID PUPPY! TRIUMPH FATTY FAT FAT FAT! ARTURO THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! Arturo picks up a fireplace shovel and goes after Triumph. TRIUMPH Yikes! Triumph ducks and runs. Arturo slips on a piece of dog doo and goes crashing through the wall. For a long time, there is silence as Triumph carefully peers into the gaping hole. TRIUMPH Wow! That must have HURT! ARTURO (weakly) You... Blistering... Idiot... INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY - LATER Arturo walks to his desk obviously in a great deal of pain. He carefully sits down as LIAM enters. LIAM Hey professor. What's up? ARTURO Oh, nothing... I just (he sits) OW! LIAM Are you hurt? ARTURO That blasted roommate of mine. LIAM Finally decided to kill him, huh? ARTURO Unfortunately, he was a little too fast for me to capture and wring. LIAM Probably because you're so fa... Arturo gives Liam a look that says "I DARE you to finish that sentence". LIAM Fastidious? Fantastic? Fabulous? Faboo? The phone rings. Arturo looks around for it. ARTURO Where the hell is the cordless? LIAM I don't know. ARTURO Bloody hell. I guess I'll just answer the phone in the next room. Arturo gets up in a great amount of pain. LIAM Professor, do you want me to get it? ARTURO No, Liam! I just hurt myself and I have no intention of allowing anyone to coddle me. Arturo slowly walks to the next room. Great pain with every step. The phone stops ringing. ARTURO Son of a... OW! Arturo turns around and starts back in great pain. LIAM Professor, are you sure you don't need help? ARTURO Poppycock! We British are a stout lot, and... AUGH! Arturo falls to the floor howling in pain. ARTURO OH SWEET JESUS IT HURTS! OH GOD, THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL! MOMMY! Arturo lies on the floor whimpering and crying. LIAM (a pause, shrugs) Well, if you're SURE you don't need any help, I'll just be on my... ARTURO CALL 9-1-1, YOU STUPID GIT!!! FADE OUT:

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Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "Growing Pains")

Turn of that homework, friend.
Your term paper will still be in here in a minute.
Type up the address or click on your bookmark.
And let the fits of laughs begin!

As long as we've got too much free time...
We'll still be writing this really lame sit com!
At no time... does this song rhyme!
Boy this was easy. Writing this short cheesy song!

OLE!

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THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo

Also Starring

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Jason Lee
as
"Jesse Glaspey"

Jack Black
as
"Jonathan Kruger"

Gary Dourdan
as
"Tempus"

Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"

RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"

Neal Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"

Siegfried and Roy

and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Guest Starring

Phil Moyer
as
"Dr. Lomyr H. Pie"

and
Dustin Kaster
as
"Dr. Knit U. Dasster"

Introducing

Shannon Elizabeth
as
"Nurse Goodbody"

The Liam Smith Show is written in front of a live studio audience.

INT. OUR LADY OF THE HMO HOSPITAL Arturo is rushed in on a gurney by several doctors and nurses as Liam, BIPPO, STACY, GARY, THAD, TEMPUS, CHOCOLATE TREAT, DORIS, JOHNATHAN, and JESSE. As Arturo is wheeled down the hall, the others fall behind. STACY Oh, I don't like this! I don't like this one bit! BIPPO What's there not to like? All this death and blood and death and blood and DEATH AND BLOOD AND DEATH AND BLOOD AND... Thad slaps him. STACY Guys, I'm serious. I mean, the professor wasn't in the best shape, you know. TEMPUS Mathematically, the most perfect shape IS round. STACY You're not helping. What if it's his heart? LIAM Stacy, don't talk that way. THAD Yeah, haven't we already burned through our quota of building personnel this year? Oh crap... I just realized that I work for the apartments now... I'M DOOMED!!! Thad collapses crying in Jesse's arms. JESSE (patting Thad on the head) There, there, there... DORIS You guys are making a big deal out of nothing. I mean, so what if the professor's in the hospital crying and screaming and hollering like a man on death's door? It means nothing. JOHNATHAN I'm bored. Hey, Jesse! Let's go look for treasure! JESSE Oo! Excellent idea! Jesse drops Thad on the floor and skips away with Johnathan. DORIS Besides, if those two can survive as long as they have without a brain, I don't think the professor has anything to worry about. INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM Arturo is lying on the bed when DR. KNIT U. DASSTER and DR. LOMYR H. PIE enter. DR. DASSTER (to Dr. Pie) ...and then I realized he wasn't there for a prostate exam after all! Just to paint the walls! Boy, was MY face red! ARTURO Oh, GOD! Not you two again! DR. PIE Oh, hey look Doctor Dasster! It's Professor Arturo! Do you remember him? DR. DASSTER Ah yes, Doctor Pie, it was during that whole Liam Smith with the werewolf blood and Thad Coffey with the looser blood thing a while back. Boy, THAT was a disaster... How DID we fix that mess? DR. PIE It took me a while, but I finally figured it out! You see... Suddenly, in the hall behind them, there is a stampede of wildebeests that drown out his words. After a few moments, the stampede ends. DR. PIE ...and THAT'S how the colliding chainsaws fixed the problem! DR. DASSTER & ARTURO Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. DR. PIE Well, let's get down to it! What seems to be the problem, professor? ARTURO Oh NO you DON'T! I'm not letting you two quacks anywhere near me until I see some sort of accreditation that you are INDEED doctors! Doctor Dasster and Pie show him a couple of diplomas. ARTURO (reading) Ron's Discount School of Medicine and Auto Repair? DR. PIE We took a course for vets. ARTURO Vets? DR. DASSTER (elbows Pie) Veterans. DR. PIE Veterans But what about all the animals we...? Dr. Dasster elbows him again. DR. PIE OUCH! WHY ARE YOU ELBOWING ME!? DR. DASSTER We really are doctors, professor! Look at this! It's charts from the surgery we did on a cadaver. DR. PIE Well, he wasn't a cadaver when we started... Arturo tries to get up and leave, but collapses to the floor in pain. ARTURO AUGH! DR. DASSTER Wow, you sound like you're in pain! (to intercom) Nurse Goodbody, come in here please. Dr. Dasster drops a pen on the floor as NURSE GOODBODY enters. NURSE GOODBODY Can I help you doctor? DR. DASSTER Yes, I seem to have dropped my pen. Could you retrieve it? Nurse Goodbody bends down to get the pen. Dasster and Pie stare at her ass. Nurse Goodbody gives the pen back to Dasster. DR. DASSTER Thank you, nurse. That will be all. ARTURO Ow. Ow. Ow. NURSE GOODBODY Uhm, Doctor... There's a man lying on the floor. DR. DASSTER What? Oh, him? NURSE GOODBODY Don't you think you should help him? DR. PIE I have a better idea! Why don't YOU bend down and help Nurse Goodbody sighs and then bends over to help Arturo up. As she does so, Dr. Pie takes a Polaroid. ARTURO OW! OW! AUGH!!! NURSE GOODBODY Oh, you poor man! Where does it hurt? ARTURO It... Hurts around my abdomen. Sort of like my appendix... but I had that taken out when I was a boy! DR. DASSTER Perhaps it grew back? DR. PIE You dumbass! Appendixes don't grow back! DR. DASSTER And you know this how? DR. PIE I ripped one out of an encyclopedia once and it never did! NURSE GOODBODY Professor Arturo, I'm going to ask you a delicate question and I need you to be completely honest with me. Are your...? She stops and then whispers the question in his ear. ARTURO Er... Well, now that you mention it... He whispers a response into her ear. NURSE GOODBODY The size of a grapefruit, huh? ARTURO (embarrassed) Yes. NURSE GOODBODY I see. Well, it looks like we have a case of a distressed vas deference vein and possibly a pinched scroticular nerve. DR. PIE A what? NURSE GOODBODY (sighs) He's got a twisted nut. There is a long pause. DR. DASSTER YOU LIE! NURSE GOODBODY Actually, the injury is somewhat common and occurs after a fall or something like that. ARTURO Like when I tried to kill... Er, I mean... Catch Triumph and fell through the wall! NURSE GOODBODY The testicle is twisted inside the scrotum cutting off blood flow and pinching nerves leading to swelling and pain in walking, sitting, and everything. It's quite painful and, if not caught quickly, could lead to the testicular area being irreparably damaged. DR. PIE Well, I see only one recourse. ARTURO What? DR. PIE Amputation. He takes out a pair of scissors. DR. PIE You want just the one snipped or both so they'll be a bit of symmetry? ARTURO GAH! NURSE GOODBODY Actually, the procedure to return blood flow is quite simple and doesn't even require surgery! ARTURO Oh, thank you God. DR. DASSTER Oh come on, Nurse! Cures without surgery? Next thing you know, you'll be telling us that man's walked on the moon! DR. PIE Besides, you're just a nurse and we're fully accredited vets! DR. DASSTER Doctors. DR. PIE Right, doctors! You'll do what we say and we say it's time to perform the nutcracker! The nurse looks at them for a second, picks up a telephone, and hands it to Dasster. NURSE GOODBODY It's for you. Dasster takes the phone. We can hear the dial tone. DR. DASSTER Hello? Hello? (a beat) HELLO? (a beat) I can hear you, you know! I can heard you making that weird dial tone sound! (a beat) STOP THAT! YOU'RE SCARING ME! The nurse wheels Arturo out the door as Dasster and Pie are still trying to solve the phone dilemma. DR. PIE (takes phone) Let me talk to him. (to phone) Who is this? WHO is THIS!? The phone starts making that beeping sound. DR. PIE Who is THIS!? Doctor Pie throws the phone down. DR. DASSTER I'm scared! Hold me! DR. PIE Only if you hold me. Dasster and Pie hold each other in terror. INT. AN EXAMINATION ROOM Arturo is resting on a bed as the Nurse tends to him. ARTURO So, what exactly does this... Procedure entail? NURSE GOODBODY Oh, it's simple, professor. All we do is a minor... Readjustment. ARTURO Readjustment? NURSE GOODBODY We... Untwist your testicle. ARTURO How? NURSE GOODBODY By hand. Arturo checks out the nurse's bod. ARTURO Well, this won't be so bad after all. NURSE GOODBODY (a beat) Wha...? Oh, no! No! No! I'm not going to do it. I'm needed elsewhere and, frankly, we caught your condition before it got too serious. No, you're going to be helped by a couple of volunteers. ARTURO Are they qualified? NURSE GOODBODY Oh yes. Like I said. It's a simple procedure. ARTURO (cocks an eyebrow) What do they look like? NURSE GOODBODY Oh, one has beautiful flowing blond hair and the other is a shapely brunette. There is a knock at the door. NURSE GOODBODY Oh, that must be them. Have a good day, professor. Nurse Goodbody leaves as SIEGFRIED AND ROY enter. SIEGFRIED Oh, LOOK Roy! Ve have ourselves a patient! ROY Dah! Oh, dee poor dear looks like he's in so much pain! ARTURO What the HELL!? SIEGFRIED So, Heir Arturo, what can ve do for chew? ARTURO W-Well... ROY Oh, don't be afraid, professor! Ve are professionals! ARTURO All right... But ONLY because this pain is killing me! SIEGFRIED Vhat pain? ARTURO I have... a distressed vas deference vein and possibly a pinched scroticular nerve. Siegfried and Roy stare blankly. ARTURO (mumbled) I have a twisted nut. SIEGFRIED No, vhat is REALLY wrong vit chew? ARTURO I have a twisted nut. Roy reads the chart. ROY Vell, vhat do chew know! He DOES have a twisted little ballsy! SIEGFRIED Vell, dis is a first for me! ROY Well, shall ve get down to it? SIEGFRIED (puts on rubber gloves) Oh, lets! ARTURO Oh god... INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM The room is empty as Jesse and Johnathan enter. JESSE We've been looking for treasure for hours and all we've found so far has been these silver booster chairs! He holds up a couple of bedpans. JOHNATHAN Yeah, but aren't they cool? Nurse Goodbody enters. NURSE GOODBODY What are you two doing in here? JESSE We're looking for treasure. NURSE GOODBODY What do you mean? Do you mean some sort of existential metaphysical journey for knowledge and enlightenment that could never truly be fulfilled? JOHNATHAN (beat, blankly) We're... Looking for treasure. JESSE Or this guy, Professor Arturo. You seen him? NURSE GOODBODY Oh, you're friends of the professor... The poor guy. Well, this is his room... You can wait for him until he gets back. She leaves. Jesse looks over at the table and sees the charts from the cadaver that Dasster and Pie brought in. JESSE (picks up charts) Hey, look at this! JESSE Treasure? JESSE No, better! JOHNATHAN (looks) Cool! The professor's medical charts! What do they say!? What do they say? JESSE Uh-oh. This looks bad. INT. THE HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM The entire gang is sitting in the waiting room for some word on the professor when Jesse and Johnathan enter. JESSE Guys! Guys! Look at this! LIAM What is it? JESSE We swiped the professor's medical charts. STACY What? You can't go through someone's personal medical information! Don't you two have any self-respect? Jesse and Johnathan stare at her blankly. STACY Right. Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to. CHOCOLATE TREAT So, what do they say? How much does he REALLY weigh? Stacy snatches the charts away from them. STACY No one is looking through anyone's confidential files and that's final! You damn voyeurs! She glances down at them and something catches her eye. STACY (reading) Oh my God! JOHNATHAN Excuse me, pot... The kettle's calling! LIAM Well? What do they say? STACY They say... That the professor's going to die! DORIS (she grabs the charts) Let me see that! (reading) You're right, dearie... This isn't good. Tempus takes the charts. TEMPUS Excuse me, ladies, but I was trained in the 31st century on all forms of human anatomy and medicine. I think I'm just a smidge more qualified to read these charts. (he looks) What language is this printed in? DORIS You're holding them upside down, future boy. Tempus flips them over. TEMPUS Everything's on a computer screen where I come from, okay? We live in a paperless world. BIPPO That must take the fun out of bathroom time. TEMPUS (reads) According to this, the professor has the body of a twenty year old. LIAM That's a relief. TEMPUS A dead twenty year old. Everyone gasps. TEMPUS In fact, I have no idea why he hasn't died already. The professor's a walking corpse, basically. THAD Well, it's good to know that at least THIS landlord's death won't be on my hands. LIAM Well, t-t-this is terrible! It's awful! What are we going to do? GARY Well, the professor's going to be in denial for a while. LIAM How do you know that? GARY Well, after Kari and I were married, she was in denial with the pool man, her masseuse, her personal trainer, the next door neighbor, the paper boy, Hugh Grant... STACY So, you and Kari Wuhrer didn't have the ideal marriage like the two of you let on? GARY No... The problems started on our honeymoon... RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A HAWAIIAN BEACH Gary and KARI WUHRER are sunbathing when a group of natives stand over them. NATIVE We are sorry, Gary, but to appease the Volcano God, we must sacrifice a virgin! GARY (to Kari) Did you HAVE to tell everyone? The natives grab Gary and drag him away as we... RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: THE HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM As before. GARY (remembering) That was a magical night. CHOCOLATE TREAT Look, honey, it's probably best if we don't pressure the professor about his impending demise, you know? LIAM That's right. I mean, he's probably going to be a mess when he gets out of here! Arturo enters. ARTURO I've had enough of this bloody place. Let's get the hell out of here! LIAM Uh, professor? How did it go in there? ARTURO I don't want to talk about it. LIAM But I... ARTURO I said I DON'T want to speak of this incident ever again! Arturo storms off. CHOCOLATE TREAT See what I mean? LIAM Oh God... The professor's going to DIE! Liam and the gang sadly walk after the professor as the camera finds a woman sitting in a chair. Doctor Dasster and Pie go up to her. WOMAN How's my husband? DR. DASSTER Well, we're not going to sugar coat it, ma'am. You're husband was in a terrible accident. DR. PIE He lost both legs and has multiple factures in his arms. DR. DASSTER He has severe blunt head trauma and significant brain damage. DR. PIE He'll live, but he'll be a complete vegetable for the rest of his life. DR. DASSTER Hooked up to respirators... DR. PIE Dependent on you for everything... DR. DASSTER You'll have to clean up after him... DR. PIE Hand feed him... DR. DASSTER Clean out his diapers... WOMAN (weeping) Oh GOD... DR. DASSTER (laughing) Aw, we're just kidding! DR. PIE (laughing) Yeah, he's dead. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Arturo is going over some books as Liam enters. LIAM Professor, are you all right? ARTURO For God's sake, Liam... That's the fifth time you've asked me in the last hour! I'm fine, I'm dandy, and I feel a hundred percent better, despite the fact that I have been molested and may never truly love again! LIAM What? ARTURO (caught) Nothing! I don't want to talk about it! LIAM Professor, something happened to you in that hospital and you just don't have the balls to admit it. ARTURO (pause) What... Did you... Say? LIAM Professor, I know about what happened. ARTURO (shocked) You do? LIAM Yeah, Jesse and Jonathan told everyone? Arturo buries his head in his hands. ARTURO They did? LIAM Yep, we know every detail. ARTURO (sighs) Well, my life is over. LIAM Professor, your... Condition is nothing to be ashamed of. ARTURO Says you. LIAM Professor, this happens to everyone sooner or later. ARTURO It does? LIAM Yeah, it's just a part of life. ARTURO What? LIAM Take Mister Hilter for example... I mean, when it happened to him, it took EVERYONE by surprise. ARTURO It happened to Mister Hilter? LIAM Yeah. (beat, sarcastic) Duh! ARTURO Well, maybe I shouldn't be as embarrassed as I am! LIAM That's the spirit! ARTURO (proud) I'm am Maximillion Arturo! LIAM Yes you are! ARTURO I don't CARE what happened to me! LIAM No you don't! ARTURO My life will go on! Liam prepares to respond, but then breaks down and cries. ARTURO Liam? What is it? LIAM You're going to DIE! ARTURO WHAT!? LIAM We read your medical chart and saw that your body was riddled with tumors and blockages and... ARTURO What the HELL are you talking about? I was given a physical and I'm as healthy as a horse! LIAM Huh? But... But the medical chart said... ARTURO WHAT medical chart? Liam hands it to him. ARTURO You... IDIOT! Number one, the man in this chart weighed five hundred pounds! Liam stares blankly. ARTURO ...and I don't. LIAM You... Don't? ARTURO Secondly, the person in this chart was over sixty years old! Liam stares blankly. ARTURO (sighs) ...and I'm not. LIAM You're not? ARTURO And thirdly, the person in THIS medical file... IS A WOMAN!!! LIAM It is? Liam looks. LIAM She is! (beat) But... But Tempus said... ARTURO Tempus! Arturo hands Liam a book off his desk. ARTURO Read this. LIAM (reading) Wen... O-on that aprool noun... (a beat) What language is this? Arturo takes the book. ARTURO It's English, Liam... Chaucer's Canturbury Tales in the original old English from about six hundred years ago. Obviously, the English language evolves between now and the 31st century and Tempus, in his never ending and never successful attempts to show how much more intelligent he is than us, screwed up our current English. LIAM Wow. So, you're not going to die? ARTURO No, I'm not going to die. LIAM Wonderful! I guess we'd better tell the others! ARTURO Yes, I'm sure they'll all be relieved. LIAM Yeah... But that's not the reason we should tell them. INT. THAD'S APARTMENT THAD and BIPPO are interviewing DOCTOR SMITH and the ROBOT from Lost in Space. THAD So, tell me... What makes you think you're qualified to take over the duties of Superintendent of Upda Creek Apartments. DOCTOR SMITH Simple, my young luscious lad... My large mental capacity leaves all other candidates mere toadies compared to me. Furthermore, I... Arturo and Liam enter. ARTURO What the HELL is this? BIPPO (to Smith) Uh, maybe you should come back later. ARTURO You idiots, I am NOT dying! BIPPO (to Smith) We'll be in touch. DOCTOR SMITH (to Thad) Perhaps later, you can come by my apartment where I will show you my etchings from many lands. ROBOT DANGER! DANGER, THAD COFFEY! DANGER! DOCTOR SMITH (to robot) You bitch. Smith and the Robot exit. BIPPO This isn't what it looks like, professor! We're not replacing you, we're just looking for someone to do what you do after you die. ARTURO I'M NOT DYING!!! Thad and Bippo are silent. THAD Whew! THAT's a relief. I couldn't decide between Doctor Smith or Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! ARTURO You are all... MORONS!!! Arturo stomps out, Liam follows. BIPPO Yep... That man is going to outlive you all... Because I'll kill him last. THAD Bippo, that's a stupid joke. BIPPO Joke? INT. THE HALLWAY Liam walks after Arturo. LIAM So, Professor... If you weren't dying, what was wrong with you? ARTURO I had a twisted nut. LIAM No, really... What was wrong with you? ARTURO Twisted nut, Liam. LIAM Look, if you don't want to tell me, that's fine. FADE OUT: THE END Please Rate
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