THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.12 - "Last Summer I Screamed Because Halloween Fell on Friday the 13th"
Written by Jason Gaston

EXT. THE WOODS - NIGHT Somewhere in a long-forgotten part of the woods, thunder cracks over head and rain pours. It's a truly dreadful storm as five figures tromp through the overgrowth. It's LIAM, STACY, PROFESSOR ARTURO, THAD, and BIPPO. All are totally soaked and look miserable. ARTURO This is going along swimmingly, Liam! Only you could piss off the oracle of teleportation and have it flash us all into the middle of nowhere in the middle of the second great deluge! LIAM It wasn't MY fault it looked like a urinal! Maybe the Aztecs should have thought about that when they made it! STACY Well, at least we saved Las Vegas before the stone warriors of Technoclichan made everyone sacrifices to the Aztec god of fertility. BIPPO (to camera) Yes, a truly wonderful and awe inspiring adventure. I feel sorry for everyone who missed it. LIAM We need to find some shelter. THAD Thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! Where are we going to find shelter in the middle of the woods!? I mean, it's not like it's just going to pop up out of nowhere! Lightning flashes. We see an old run down house right in front of them. THAD (To sky) It's not like incredibly gorgeous big-tittied women are going to pop up out of nowhere! Nothing. THAD Dammit. STACY Come ON! They all run towards the house. INT. THE HOUSE There is at least an inch of dust on everything in the house that is seriously in need of repair. The furniture fabrics are tattered and aged and a large fireplace sits in the living room. The gang enters sopping wet. STACY Well, at least it seems dry in here. THAD Man, I can't believe we're missing Triumph's annual Halloween Bash for this! This is the worst Halloween ever! ARTURO Oh yes. Missing a party full of salivating Great Danes and neurotic Chihuahua's. I feel so robbed. THAD He's got Robert Goulet this year. ARTURO Robert Goulet!? Son of a...! LIAM At least we have each other. THAD Liam, do me a favor and stop trying to cheer me up. Bippo, give me those matches. Thad takes the matches that Bippo was trying to use to burn down the house and lights a nearby candle. The room is partially illuminated. STACY Charming. LIAM Wow, it's like those old haunted house movies! ARTURO Don't be a baby, Liam! There's no such thing as ghosts! Suddenly, we hear a wail from upstairs. The gang huddles together. LIAM Still don't believe in ghosts, professor? ARTURO Absolutely not! LIAM Then could you please let go of my hand? You're crushing it. ARTURO Sorry. FADE OUT:

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Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "The Addams Family")

It's stupid and insulting,
Insipid and revolting,
Intelligence is bolting.

The Liam Smith Show

There is no sign of smartness
A monster lives in Loch Ness,
And Bobby Fisher plays chess.

The Liam Smith Show

Snap! Snap!

OLE!

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THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo

Also Starring

Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

Guest Starring

Art Carney
as
"The Exorcist"

Zelda Rubinstein
as
"Tangea"

The Cryptkeeper

And Special Guest Star

Elvira

INT. THE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER The gang reassembles in the living room where a roaring fire is now going in the fireplace. LIAM Anything? STACY We've searched the house top to bottom and there's nobody else in here. THAD We couldn't find anything that could have made that crying noise either. BIPPO And I've been sitting in the corner contemplating the viscosity of merange pie filling when mixed with a nitrous base. LIAM How does that...!? Nevermind. STACY There was one thing I found that... Well, I didn't want to mention it, but... ARTURO Spit it out, child. STACY Well, I found a nursery upstairs. Dolls and a crib and a rocking chair all covered in dust. It's almost as if the mother and baby left suddenly years ago and never came back! LIAM And... That scream DID sound like a baby! ARTURO Poppycock! LIAM How can you say that, professor? With all the run-ins we've had with Satan, Thad being a werewolf, and all the other stuff we've seen, how can you discount the paranormal so easily? ARTURO Because I believe what I see, Liam. Not the demons that weak minds concoct when the lights are out. BIPPO You're talking about us again, aren't you? Suddenly, the door flies open and a dark shadowy figure stands as lighting flashes behind it. ARTURO Jesus, Mary, and Jospeh! Thad, protect me! The figure advances into the light and we see that's it's ELVIRA: MISTRESS OF THE DARK. BIPPO Oh my GOD! It's ELVIRA! ELVIRA Someone GET the man a prize! LIAM What are you doing way out here in the middle of nowhere? STACY At this time of night? THAD In THAT outfit? ELVIRA Long story, sweetie... Let's just say that when a trucker says "put out or get out", he means it. So, since I'm stranded out here with you people, what do you do for entertainment? BIPPO Topless dancing! ELVIRA All right... Stacy stops her from taking her top off. STACY ACTUALLY... I was about to suggest that we tell some ghost stories. ELVIRA Well, this is certainly the right place. This is a haunted house if I ever saw one. ARTURO Balderdash! ELVIRA I take it that Shamu here doesn't scare very easily? ARTURO Not on your life, ma'am. THAD Well, in that case... I've got a story for you, professor... FADE TO: INT. THE HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER The gang and Elvira are sitting in a circle. Thad is shining a flashlight into his face. THAD (to Arturo) ...and THAT is how much it will cost to remove ALL the asbestos from the apartments. ARTURO (horrified) No... No.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! BIPPO Well, I give that story a suck factor of 11. STACY No, no, no... Guys! I meant a scary story! LIAM You mean like Mister Hook-hand, or that one where the killer is calling from upstairs, or "The Princess Diaries?" There is another ghostly shriek from upstairs. In the corner of the room, an empty rocking chair begins to rock. THAD Does anyone have a tissue? I feel the sudden need to wipe myself. ELVIRA Wow. Sounds like there IS a poltergeist in this house! ARTURO Bollocks! It's just the wind! ELVIRA What you guys need is a GOOD scary story. None of that cliched crap you've heard a thousand times before. BIPPO And I suppose you've got just the story for us? Elvira smiles. ELVIRA It all begins in a small town called Amityville... FADE TO: EXT. A SMALL TOWN From a distance, we see the see the town. Menacing music plays. SUBTITLE: "Halloween" FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: EXT. A SMALL TOWN Just the same as when we last saw it. Menacing music plays. SUBTITLE: "Friday the Thirteeth" FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: EXT. A SMALL TOWN Just the same as when we last saw it. Menacing music plays. SUBTITLE: "Last Summer" FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: EXT. A SMALL TOWN Just the same as when we last saw it. Menacing music plays. SUBTITLE: "Jaime Lee Curtis' Birthday" EXT. A SMALL TOWN NEIGHBORHOOD A car pulls up to the House from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR. LIAM, THAD, BIPPO, STACY, and ARTURO get out and look. STACY Oh, it's gorgeous ARTURO Yes, a fair step up from Upda Creek Apartments. LIAM Yeah, but I'm going to miss that place. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK: EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS There are lights and strange sounds coming from every window as LIAM, THAD, ARTURO, and BIPPO run out the front door. ARTURO RUN! RUN LIKE HELL! Stacy pulls up in a car and, in shock, stands in front of the building. STACY What's...? What's happening? WHAT'S HAPPENING!? RERUN from "What's Happening" walks up to her. STACY Can I have your autograph, Rerun? I Loved 'What's Happening'! RERUN Sure thing, sweet thang! Liam and the others grab Stacy and take off in the car as the apartments are sucked into a single point of light taking Rerun with it. Triumph sticks his heed out the window of a limo window. TRIUMPH Son of my Mom! Did you see that!? That is an awesome spectacle... FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: THE PRESENT EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE Liam, Stacy, Arturo, and Thad are staring straight ahead lost in the memory. Bippo is taking their wallets. INT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE Liam, Arturo, Stacy, Bippo, and Thad enter. LIAM What a beautiful house! DEMONIC VOICE GET OUT! LIAM Too bad we can't stay! Liam turns to leave, but is caught by the arm by Arturo. ARTURO Don't be such a frog, Liam. That's simply the wind. BIPPO (O.C.) Then what's this? The camera angles on Bippo who is pointing to blood dripping down the wall. ARTURO Good... GOD! Arturo walks over and looks. ARTURO That's the WORST paint job I've ever seen! FADE TO: INT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE Movers are now placing boxes and furniture in the living room. As Liam, Arturo, Stacy, and Bippo supervises. The MOVER'S BOSS walks up to Arturo and hands him a bill. Arturo writes him a check. ARTURO I threw in a little extra for those workers of yours who were turned inside out in the basement and had those pagan demonic symbols burned onto their foreheads. The boss takes the check and snaps his fingers. All of the movers run for the door screaming in terror. Many of them have had their eyes gouged out and tongues ripped from their mouths. Within five seconds, the movers are gone. BIPPO Wow! Is immigration coming to town? Thad enters out of breath. THAD GUYS! Thad runs up to them with papers in his hand. THAD I was down at the library and... LIAM What were you doing at a library? THAD I got lost. Anyway, I found out some stuff about this house that I think you guys should know! Thad puts various newspaper clippings and books on the table. The others walk over and look. THAD This house was built on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground by a man who designed the structure to attract Gozer to the earth plane. After he went insane in 1921, the house was bought by the Church of Pure Evil and was used as the site of various human sacrifices and satanic rituals. In 1934, it was bought by the state and made an asylum for the criminally insane. A Decade later, it was shut down when it was discovered that the doctors were torturing inmates and using them in bizarre godless experiments. Then, the house was bought by a man and his family. BIPPO My... GOD! THAD The father went insane and killed his entire family with a cleaver because he said "the voices" made him do it. BIPPO Whew! I was getting worried there for a minute. THAD This house is EVIL! ARTURO Your list proves nothing, Thad my boy. Just that you have an overactive imagination and... LIAM The walls are bleeding again. ARTURO (sighs) I'll get the sponge. Arturo leaves. Stacy is looking at the clippings. STACY Thad, did you know that these books are marked "Do not remove from library under penalty of law"? There is the sound of a police siren. THAD (sighs) I'll see you guys in ten to twenty. Thad exits. FADE TO: EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE - DAY A car drives up to the side of the house. DONNER gets out and approaches the house talking on a cell phone. DONNER (sighs) Yeah, I'll be there later. I've got to drop off some papers in Amityville and then I'll head your way. Bye. He hangs up and starts for the front door. DEMONIC VOICE Get out! Donner stops in his tracks and looks around in confusion. DONNER Uh... I am out. A beat. DEMONIC VOICE Get in. DONNER Um, okay. Donner walks in the door. DONNER Okay, I'm in. DEMONIC VOICE GET OUT! DONNER GAH! Donner runs away. FADE TO: EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE - NIGHT Bippo is walking through a hall when he notices a draft coming from a wall. BIPPO How odd. Bippo walks over to the wall and notices that the wall is actually a bricked up doorway. BIPPO Oo... Ho! Bippo suddenly has a sledgehammer in his hand. BIPPO I've been waiting to use this since I got it from the hardware store! Bippo begins beating the brick wall. The bricks fall in front of him revealing a HIDDEN ROOM. INT. THE HIDDEN ROOM There is an inch of dust on everything. In the center of the room sits a tiny wheelchair that looks like it hasn't been touched in decades. BIPPO Wow! It's like Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one! Suddenly, the wheelchair COMES TO LIFE and heads right for Bippo. The wheelchair knocks Bippo off his feet and into the seat as it careens madly out the door. INT. THE HALLWAY Liam exits his room wearing his Buzz Lightyear underoos. LIAM Teach me to drink so much grape soda before bed. Bippo and the wheelchair screams by knocking Liam into Bippo's lap. INT. THE STAIRCASE The wheelchair appears at the top of the stairs with Liam and Bippo and then tumbles downward head over heals. Bippo, Liam, and the wheelchair end up in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. Bippo and Liam lay there for a second before looking at each other. Broad grins break out on their faces and they both begin giggling. CUT TO: INT. THE STAIRCASE Bippo is in the wheelchair as Liam pushes is down the stairs. BIPPO WEEEEEEE!!! Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! WHAM! LIAM All right! All right! My turn! My turn! INT. THE LIVING ROOM Stacy is reading a book in the quite when suddenly, we hear soft footsteps padding in the room upstairs. Stacy doesn't notice. The footsteps get heavier and Stacy finally looks up in annoyance. STACY Damn those boys. Liam, Bippo, and Arturo walk by. LIAM (mid-conversation) ...so I told Thad not to bend over to pick up the soap in the prison showers, but you know he didn't listen and now he's a blubbering mess and won't stop sucking his thumb. If you ask me... They exit. Stacy watches them go. The footsteps start again. Stacy seems resolved to ignore them. Suddenly, we start to hear tapdancing from upstairs. Stacy still ignores it. There is a small silence and then WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! It sounds like someone upstairs is jumping up and down to get attention. The Chandelier begins to shake and just when it seems like things can't get any louder... CRUNCH! DEMONIC VOICE Son of a...! Stacy looks up and sees a white see-through ghostly boot sticking out of a hole in the ceiling. It is quickly pulled through the hole and out of sight. INT. THE DINING ROOM Arturo, Bippo, Liam, and Stacy are having dinner. STACY Guys, I'm beginning to think that this house is haunted. ARTURO Preposterous! LIAM Don't worry, Stacy, I'm beginning to think the same thing too. Why, last night I had the sudden urge to take a knife and stab Bippo in the head. BIPPO Oh, was THAT what all that was about? Lucky for me, I've taken to sleeping with a football helmet. ARTURO What are you people trying to tell me? Are you saying that this house is alive? LIAM I'm saying that this house is reacting to us and the reactions are getting stronger! Liam and Arturo stop, look at the camera, and then proceed to argue. ARTURO Bull! There's nothing out of the ordinary going on here! I... BIPPO Walls are bleeding again. ARTURO Well, son of a... Arturo picks up a sponge and a pail and walks off. INT. THE HALLWAY Liam is walking down the hallway when he hears a horrible gagging noise coming from Stacy's room. He knocks on her door. LIAM Stacy? STACY BLAH! LIAM Are you all right? Liam opens the door and is showered by pea soup. STACY (demonic voice) YOUR MOTHER SUCKS BIG WIENERS! LIAM You're my sister, stupid. That makes her your mother too. Liam is once again showered with pea soup. INT. STACY'S ROOM - LATER Stacy has been tied to the bed. Liam and Bippo sticks their heads in the door and looks. They duck back out of sight. LIAM (O.C.) (whispers) All right. Go ahead. A priest enters followed by Liam, Bippo, and a less than enthusiastic Arturo. STACY (demonic voice) How sweet! Fresh meat! PRIEST (scared) Oh, fu-BLEEP!-k this! The priest turns to leave, but is stopped by Liam and Bippo. LIAM You said you could help her, so help her! The priest shakily walks over to Stacy's side. Stacy growls. PRIEST So, how are you, my child. STACY (demonic voice) YOU'RE MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES! Stacy showers him with pea soup. The priest gets sick and pukes back on Stacy. PRIEST (wipes mouth) Sorry. STACY (demonic voice) Yo' mama sews socks that smell! PRIEST I beg your pardon? STACY (demonic voice) Yo' mama eats kitty litter! PRIEST What'd you say about my mama!? STACY (demonic voice) Yo' mama's like the Pilsbury Dough Boy! EVERY BODY POKES HER!!! PRIEST YOU BITCH!!! The priest jumps on Stacy and begins to choke her. Stacy throws him out the window. LIAM Well, ain't this a sticky sitchy ation. INT. THE LIVING ROOM Liam and the professor are walking through the living room. ARTURO I'm telling you, Liam, there is no concrete proof that Stacy is suffering from nothing more than a case of... BIPPO (O.S.) Help me! Arturo and Liam stop. LIAM Bippo? BIPPO (O.S.) Help me, you dicks! ARTURO Where the devil are you? Liam and Arturo see a television displaying static. Bippo's voice is coming from the TV! LIAM Aw, sh*t! INT. THE LIVING ROOM - LATER Liam, Arturo, and TANGEA, the little old woman from "Poltergeist" is there trying to save Bippo. TANGEA Bippo, what does it look like where you are!? BIPPO (O.S.) It's dark and it smells bad... and there's a light! TANGEA Don't go into the light, Bippo! BIPPO (O.S.) But it's so pretty! LIAM (to Tangea) Where IS he? TANGEA He's trapped in limbo somewhere between life and death. ARTURO Like David Duchovney? TANGEA Yes, but unlike David Duchovney, there is a chance to save him. INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM - LATER Tangea is tying a rope around Arturo's waist. TANGEA This closet is the focal point of the vortex that sucked Bippo into limbo. LIAM Then why is he speaking through the TV? TANGEA Television - especially CBS - is an ideal medium to focus into the bland landscape of limbo. In fact, one program originated completely from limbo and no one ever knew it. LIAM I knew there was something weird about Thirtysomething! Why are you sending the professor into limbo for? TANGEA As fat as he is, he'll sink like a rock. ARTURO WHAT DID YOU...!? Tangea kicks Arturo into the closet. Arturo vanishes. Bippo enters. BIPPO Why didn't you dicks help me!? Liam looks at Bippo, then the closet, then at Bippo, then at the closet, then at Bippo. LIAM We thought you was trapped in limbo! BIPPO I was locked in the basement, dipstick! It smelled bad down there and I could see light through the cracks in the floor. LIAM Well, I guess we should get the professor back then. Liam tugs on the rope. The rope comes back, but the end is snapped and Professor Arturo is no where to be seen. LIAM Oh, nutbunnies! ARTURO (O.S.) Help me! LIAM Where are you, professor? ARTURO (O.S.) WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, YOU BLITHERING MORONS! TANGEA Do you see a light, professor? ARTURO (O.S.) Uh... Yes. TANGEA Go into the light professor! A pause ARTURO (O.S.) ARGH!!!! YOU BLISTERING IDI-- Silence. LIAM What happened. TANGEA He's dead. LIAM But you... TANGEA THATS what you get for trusting A WITCH! AH... HA HA HA HA HA!!! Tangea vanishes taking Bippo with her. Liam stands there in shock for a minute until he hears Bippo's screaming voice. BIPPO (O.S.) LIAM! HELP ME! AGH!! LIAM Bippo! Where are you!? BIPPO (O.S.) Where I was before! LIAM Limbo? BIPPO (O.S.) The BASEMENT, you butt Dumpling! Liam jumps and runs out the door. INT. THE BASEMENT Liam slowly makes his way down the stairs breathing heavily and crying. LIAM Bippo? W-W-Where are y-you? Liam rounds a corner and sees Bippo standing in a corner. LIAM WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! Liam bolts upstairs. Bippo turns around zipping his pants up. BIPPO Huh? EXT. THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE Liam tears out the front door and runs into THAD! LIAM Oh, THAD! It was awful! Stacy got possessed by the devil and Bippo got killed by a witch and we lost the professor in limbo and... Thad takes out a voice-disguiser and smiles. THAD (electronically disguised voice) Hello, Liam! What's your favorite scary movie? LIAM Well, I've always been partial to Slumber Party Massacre, but... GAH! No! Not this! Don't tell me that THAD COFFEY IS THE AMITYVILLE STRANGLER!!! THAD YES! LIAM I'm shocked at this twist! THAD How could you be, Liam? YOU'VE BEEN DEAD THE ENTIRE TIME!!! Liam looks down at his chest. There's a gaping hole in the center of his rib cage and his heart can be seen beating. LIAM Well, ain't that a bitch? STACY (V.O.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! CUT TO: INT. THE HOUSE Liam, Arturo, Stacy, Thad, and Bippo are seated around Elvira who has been telling the story. STACY That makes no sense! I mean, you're saying that Liam was dead the entire time but he was talking to the rest of us... And when did Bippo get away from Tangea the witch to where he could take a leak in the corner. THAD Yeah, and why was I raped in prison? ELVIRA All right. Look, I'm not much of a storyteller... I saw a lot of that stuff at the movies anyway. ARTURO That was the stupidest ghost story I've ever heard! BIPPO What about "The Haunting"? ARTURO You heard me. Suddenly, there is another ghostly wail. LIAM It's the ghost! ARTURO Oh, fudge-its! I'm going to put an end to this "ghost" business once and for all! Arturo gets up and storms upstairs. Everyone else follows him. INT. UPSTAIRS Arturo marches to the door as the others follow. ARTURO (to Stacy) Is this where you found that nursery? STACY Y-Yeah. There is another unearthly wail. Everyone jumps. THAD I'm going to have to switch to diapers before tonight is over! Arturo is unperturbed. He throws the door open and marches inside. INT. THE NURSERY As Stacy described it. Cribs, old toys, and a rocking chair. As the gang enters, there is another wail. Arturo looks around. Liam frantically taps his arm and points to the curtains. The camera angles to show the curtains. There is a noticeable lump in them as though someone is hiding. The lump moves slightly as another wail shatters the silence. Menacing music plays as Arturo moves closer. Everyone is hiding behind him as he reaches slowly for the curtain. Bippo checks his watch. The music reaches a crescendo as Arturo musters the courage and rips the curtains to one side. ARTURO (smiles) There's your ghost! Everyone looks. There is a small hole in the window where the wind screams inside making a wailing sound and making it appear as though there is someone hiding behind the curtains. ARTURO (gloating) Now, if you're all done soiling yourselves... THAD Give me another second. ARTURO ...I Say we get some rest and try to figure out where we are! FADE TO: EXT. THE HOUSE - MORNING The storm is over and the first rays of sunshine are breaking over the horizon. INT. THE HOUSE The gang and Elvira are getting ready to leave. ELVIRA Las Vegas? That's only a hundred miles away. If you hitchhike, you'll make it there before lunch! LIAM Thanks, Elvira. What about you? ELVIRA I'm going to Vegas anyway! I'll join ya, but if any of these drivers say "put out or get out", don't count on me! BIPPO All right, I guess I'll take one for the team. Bippo, Elvira, Stacy, and Thad walk out the door. ARTURO Well, Liam... I hope this little incident has taught you that you can't let your imagination run away with you. LIAM Maybe. But you shouldn't discount everything you can't see, professor, didn't some dead English guy once say that there are more things in heaven and earth than in your philosophy? ARTURO That was Shakespeare, Liam. LIAM Right. A dead English guy. Liam exits. Arturo stops and looks around the old house. ARTURO Ghosts... poppycock! Arturo goes to leave, but something catches his eye. It's a mirror hanging next to the door. In the mirror, for just a second, we see a woman cradling a baby and rocking back and forth in a rocking chair. Arturo quickly spirals around and looks but sees only an empty rocking chair in the room slowly creaking back and forth. Arturo looks in the mirror again, but only sees the reflection of the rocker as it creaks to a stop. EXT. THE HOUSE Arturo barrels out the front door and briskly walks past the others. ARTURO Come on, lads, let's go! Double time! Time waits for no man! A Stitch in time saves nine! Pip pip, cheerio, haul ass and all that rubbish! ELVIRA What's gotten into him? ARTURO Nothing! Nothing, I assure you! Arturo walks/runs into the woods. ARTURO I'm waiting! Don't make me walk through the woods all by myself, DAMMIT! ELVIRA (to Liam) Are all English people this weird? LIAM Mostly, but I guess Halloween will do that to you. The others follow Arturo into the woods as we... FADE TO: INT. A CRYPT The CRYPTKEEPER is sitting in his throne at a table reading a book at says "Last Summer I Screamed Because Halloween Fell on Friday the 13th" CRYPTKEEPER Wasn't that a delightfully GHOULISH tale, kiddies? I guess Professor Arturo is actually a scholar in BOO ology! Hee hee hee! And what about that Elriva, eh? She's a girl I could... DIE for. Oh, wait, I already did! Hee hee hee hee! Happy Halloween, kiddies, it's been a SCREAM! HAA HA HA HA HA!!! The Cryptkeeper looks over at Elvira who is sitting next to him notably bored. CRYPTKEEPER What did you think? ELVIRA It was weak. (a beat) You might even say your entire act is DEAD. A pause. Elvira and the Cryptkeeper have a good laugh together. FADE TO BLACK: ELVIRA No, seriously... It sucked. THE END ROLL CREDITS

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