THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.14 - "Die Hardest"
Written by Jesse Glaspey

INT. A DARK AND SINISTER LAIR The Tribunal of Evil is watching as Liam and the gang are hanging out. TRIBUNAL 1 Look at him! Oblivious to his certain doom! TRIBUNAL 2 His fate is sealed and he doesn't even notice! TRIBUNAL 3 Our will shall be carried out! TRIBUNAL 4 Oh, who are we kidding? TRIBUNAL 5 Tribunal 4! What was that all about? TRIBUNAL 4 Seriously, guys! Haven't any of you noticed every time we send something after him, he somehow manages to escape it? TRIBUNAL 1 Well, do you have any ideas? TRIBUNAL 4 Well here's a novel idea, how about we select someone else for the sacrifice? TRIBUNAL 2 How about Lorenzo Lamas? TRIBUNAL 5 What is with your obsession with Lorenzo Lamas? TRIBUNAL 2 What obsession? I'd just like to sacrifice him! Cover him in the holy oil… place him on the altar… and then… TRIBUNAL 3 Okay, we're sticking with Liam Smith… Everybody okay with that? TRIBUNALS 1,4,5 Yeah, yeah, yeah. TRIBUNAL 1 Well, what if we try a different approach? We always recruit the supernatural or superhuman to go after Liam Smith. Why not recruit a human? A human capable of doing the job! TRIBUNAL 2 But who shall we call on? TRIBUNAL 3 There's only one possible choice… TRIBUNAL 4 Then he is the one! Tonight… after we watch "Family Guy"… We call…WALLY PIMENTO: CRIMELORD! TRIBUNAL 5 And finally, Liam Smith will be ours!!! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOFTOP - TWO WEEKS LATER. The Upda Creek Gang is having a rooftop party. Most of the gang we know is there. Arturo is cooking hamburgers on a barbeque. Doris playing "quarters" with Kevin Riley. Everyone is having a good time. STACY (dancing) Wow! This is great! Who would have guessed a party would be just what we needed to relax! Too bad Donner has business meetings he can't get out of to be here! BIPPO Giving strippers money counts as a business meeting? Stacy's expression changes. STACY You know, I'm not really shocked he'd ditch us for some sleazy bimbos with fake hoo-hoos! THAD Speaking of bimbos, Chocolate Treat had to work, so she couldn't make it either. But she sent us a bottle of Cristal. LIAM I'll tell you what I'm shocked at: How good of a DJ Triumph is! Triumph is spinning records. TRIUMPH Yes, yes. This next hit is called "Pop". Although if you add an "S" to "hit" and an "O" to "pop" you're getting a more appropriate title. I kid… I kid… this is a good little dance number… FOR ME TO POOP ON! Triumph plays more music. Jesse walks up to Tempus. JESSE Hey, so you're the guy from the future, right? TEMPUS I'm not telling you any stock tips or sports scores. JESSE Did I ask? I just want to know who wins the Oscars a couple of years from now. TEMPUS Okay, don't tell anyone but… Keep your eye on this kid, David Arquette. JESSE WHAT? You're kidding. Anything else we should know? TEMPUS Yes, also that year… Hell freezes over. Tempus laughs and walks off. JESSE Oh, god. I hope he's joking. All of a sudden, a group of thugs kick down the door to the roof and surround the gang. ARTURO What the devil is going on here? The thugs point several guns at each tenant. One thug, TYRONE, talks into a radio. TYRONE Rooftop secure, boss! Come on out! The boss comes out. He is WALLY PIMENTO: Crimelord. STACY Oh my god! Wally Pimento? EVERYONE Who? STACY Don't any of you read the papers? A pause. STACY Don't any of you read, period? He's the number one crimelord in East Rutherford, New Jersey! WALLY PIMENTO That's right! And if you know what's good for you, you'll all stay cool! Otherwise… THIS will happen to you! Wally snaps his finger and Tyrone turns his gun towards Jesse and fires. Jesse is sent back so far by the impact of the shot he is staggering by the edge of the roof. JESSE Well… this… sucks! Jesse's eyes roll back and he falls off the roof of the building, crashing into a dumpster below. TYRONE Heh! Welcome to the party, pal! WALLY Anyone else want to risk their lives? Good. Because as of now, your butts are mine! MUSICAL STING FADE OUT ------------ Theme Song (Set to Limp Bizkit's "My Way") Ch-ch-check-Check out my parody! Just one… more season and we're through with this… Just some… more villains to get ass kicked… Some weird s**t is about to hit… This is it…YEAH! Bippo is gonna break a buncha laws! Thad is gonna grow fur and paws! All 'cause of Liam Smith! It's Liam Smith! The Liam Smith Show's on! Ch-ch-check-Check out my parody… Ch-ch-check-Check out my parody… OLE! ------------- The Liam Smith Show STARRING Dian Bachar as Liam Smith Co-Starring Jason Gaston as Donner Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo Gary Dourdan as Tempus Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham Triumph The Insult Comic Dog Betty White as Doris Winchester RuPaul as Chocolate Treat Leon Lai as Kevin Riley EVEN MORE STARRING Louie Anderson as Police Chief Piggy George Clooney & Danny Devito as Officers Tooty & Sunday Michael Keaton as Chip Beavermilk Marina Sirtis as Senestra Malevolous WITH SPECIAL GUEST STARS Verne Troyer as Wally Pimento and The Kids In The Hall as The Tribunal of Evil EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE ROOF. The gang is surrounded by Wallt Pimento's goons. STACY Oh my god! He killed Jesse! THAD You bastards! LIAM (Whispering to Jonathan) Well? Aren't you going to transform into Dr. Wham? JONATHAN (Whispering) If I do, I end up risking the lives of all of you! I reckon this is the same reason Thad hasn't wolfed out and Tempus hasn't brought out any high-tech thingamajigies. LIAM (Whispering to Tempus) Is that true? TEMPUS Basically. Yes. If I bring up S.U.I.T. I risk all of you getting shot. Something that I'm not going to allow to happen. ARTURO Why are you doing this? Why us? And where did Triumph go??? I think that little sod ditched us! WALLY I don't owe you any kind of explanation! Get moving! Everyone downstairs! Wally runs up to Arturo and kicks him in the shins. ARTURO Ow! Why you little… Another henchman, ERIK shoves a gun directly in Arturo's face. WALLY What? Little what? ARTURO Little… rascal? WALLY Better! Everyone move! A very large henchman, MOOSE is standing behind Bippo. MOOSE Come on Bozo! Get moving! Haw haw! Moose shoves Bippo forward, knocking him down. Thad helps him back up as the group is escorted to Liam's place. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE LIAM Why are we being brought here? WALLY Because the Tribunal wants you specifically! LIAM Who? WALLY The Tribunal of Evil! They hired us to bring you to them! LIAM So why are my friends being held hostage? WALLY Simply because we figure we'll make a profit off this! We'll hold you for ransom! STACY Ransom? Who's going to pay ransom for us? WALLY From what I've heard, you all are friends of Jason Donner, founder of DonCo. Are you not? A long pause. STACY "Friends" is such a… vague term when it comes to Donner. DORIS Oh god, we're dead. Wally walks over to Stacy. WALLY Well, perhaps I can be persuaded to let you go… if you play nice… Wally grabs Stacy's leg. She immediately backs away from Wally. STACY GROSS! The goons point their guns at everyone's heads. JONATHAN Stacy. Do us a favor. Let… the midget… grab your leg. MOOSE I think Clarabelle here is jealous, boss! Haw haw! Moose shoves Bippo down again. Bippo is getting visibly annoyed. LIAM Wait. You're going to kidnap me to some people called the Tribunal of Evil and ransom my friends off to Donner? Once you've traded my friends for the money, what's going to prevent me from escaping? WALLY Well, besides my armed troops and the fact we'll hunt you down until the day you die? LIAM Well… yeah? Besides all that. WALLY How about this? Wally opens his coat and reveals he's wearing several high explosives. LIAM That'll do. ARTURO So why does this Tribunal of Evil want Liam? Wally runs up to Arturo and kicks him in the shins again. WALLY I'll do the talking here, fatso! LIAM He has a good point, what do they want with me? WALLY They've apparently been wanting you for quite some time. But everytime they sent someone after you, you'd evade them and thwart their emmissary! LIAM They've sent people? WALLY Several! The Omega Nerds, The Lilith Swarm… among many others! LIAM They were sent by this Tribunal of Evil??? WALLY You mean to tell me, you've been attacked by various people and you haven't even bothered to find out why? HA HA! That's just too much! LIAM I was getting around to it! Another henchman, "TEXAS" leans over to Wally. TEXAS Sir, we've called the police like you ordered. WALLY Excellent. Make sure the building perimeter is secure! No one gets in or out! TEXAS Yes, sir. We've sent teams out to search the building for possible security breaches. WALLY Perfect! We'll be rolling in the dough fairly soon. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. Several police cars pull up outside the apartment building. Police Chief Piggy gets out of one of the cars. Tooty and Sunday get out of another. PIGGY Who got the call on this one? TOOTY We did, sir! We received a call not more than ten minutes ago! They're demanding 10 million in cash from a Jason Donner or the tenants will be killed! PIGGY Has anyone tried calling Mr. Donner? TOOTY Officer Sunday is calling Mr. Donner as we speak. SUNDAY (On a phone) Mr. Donner? This is Officer Sunday of the Las Vegas Police Department! We have a situation at Upda Creek Apartments! Your friends are being held hostage…. The ransom is set at 10 million… Hello? Hello? PIGGY What did he say? SUNDAY He said "Friends… is such a vague term" and then he hung up. Piggy and the officers sigh. Meanwhile… EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. A DUMPSTER. The trash starts moving. A rustling is heard and a hand reaches out of the garbage. Jesse starts to pull himself out of the rubbish. He is VERY irritated. JESSE All right, punks. You had your shot… NOW IT'S MY TURN! Jesse then slips on a banana peel and falls back into the trash. JESSE Crap! ----------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Tonight! On the Food Channel… A special episode of Emeril! Emeril: Tonight, we're gonna talk about PRODUCE! I'm gonna chop some tomatoes! I'm gonna peel bananas! And I'm gonna get my salad tossed! A pause. Emeril: Waitaminute… --------- We see KLVE is on the air… ANNOUNCER LIVE FROM THE STREETS! IT'S KLVE'S COVERAGE OF "UPDA CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE: A BUILDING IN CRISIS!" WITH YOUR ANCHORMAN, CHIP BEAVERMILK! The building is shown with fake screams in the background and cheap looking flames surrounding the building as the logo is shown. Cut to Chip in front of the building. CHIP BEAVERMILK Chip Beavermilk coming to you live from the Upda Creek apartments! A building that has the city GRIPPED in terror! The police stand idly by! Helpless and impotent to help the innocent people inside! We see Officers Tooty and Sunday playing cards. TOOTY Got any fives? SUNDAY Go fish. TOOTY Damn! You're good. CHIP We're lucky enough to have one of the tenants here with us today! A tenant who was lucky enough to be somewhere else when the hostage situation began! Miss? What's your name? CHOCOLATE TREAT (To camera) Chocolate Treat all up in this heazy! CHIP Miss Treat. Your friends are in that building. With their lives in danger and no possible hope for rescue. Do you have any thoughts? CHOCOLATE TREAT Yeah. I wanna give a shoutout to Millie, T-bone, Li'l Pappy, Shaniqua, LaMont and Mr. Darrell my high school math teacher! CHIP Wonderful. We'll be right back with live coverage. We now return you to the Source Awards already in progress! INT. SCORE'S We see Donner watching TV with some strippers. We hear gunshots from the TV. STRIPPER Oh my god! Are the terrorists firing on the police? DONNER No. That's just the Source Awards. Rim shot. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THE WINDOW INTO JESSE AND JONATHAN'S APARTMENT. We see the window is broken. Footprints are leading up to the broken glass. INT. JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE. Jesse has come out of the shower. He's in clean clothes and looking for his ring. JESSE The ONE time I take that stupid thing off… It figures I'd be put in a ridiculous situation like this. Okay. I have to keep a low profile and take down these dillweeds all by myself. The odds are against me and I have no plan… Kinda like playing Nintendo! We hear a banging on the door. JESSE NOBODY HOME! A pause. Jesse smacks his forehead. JESSE D'oh! A goon, G-DOGG, busts down the door and enters the apartment armed with a submachine gun. G-DOGG Come out, come out, wherever you are… G-Dogg walks around Jesse and Jonathan's place and looks for anyone. Jesse is hiding above him on one of the ceiling lights. G-DOGG I promise, if you come out. We won't hurt you! Jesse lowers himself upside down in front of G-Dogg. JESSE That's for damn sure! Jesse grabs G-Dogg and yanks him upwards off-screen. We hear several punches and screams. We then see G-Dogg dropped onto a table, knocking him out. Jesse then lowers himself from the ceiling. JESSE Well, I guess your friends are going to be looking for you… unless you go to them first… A smile crosses Jesse's face. INT. LIAM'S PLACE. Wally is pacing around. WALLY Why hasn't Jason Donner replied to our demands yet? LIAM Don't expect a reply until midnight. WALLY Why? LIAM That's when Scores closes. Tyrone runs in. TYRONE Boss! Someone is coming up the elevator! WALLY I thought I told you fools to only use the stairs! TYRONE You did! WALLY Then find out who's coming up! Tyrone and a couple of others surround the elevator and aim their guns at the doors. The elevator stops and the doors open. TYRONE BOSS! Check this out!!! WALLY Moose! Bring them with us! I want them to see what happens to people that try to sneak by us! INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. HALLWAY. Moose and another henchman, BILLY escort the gang as they follow Wally to the elevator. Wally is shocked at what he sees. It's G-Dogg. Unconscious, tied up and hung upside down in the elevator with a piece of paper on his chest. TEXAS There's a note! Tyrone grabs the note. WALLY What does it say? TYRONE "How do you keep a moron in suspense? Turn over." A pause. LIAM ………..Well? WALLY What's the answer, fool? Tyrone turns the page over. TYRONE "How do you keep a moron in suspense? Turn over." Another pause. WALLY How DO you keep a moron in suspense? STACY Here we go… WALLY This is pointless! Redouble our patrols! Find who did this! GO! ARTURO Are all of you thinking what I'm thinking? BIPPO Yeah. Pie would be really good right about now. Moose walks up and shoves Bippo against the wall. MOOSE You ain't getting no pie, Clown! You keep your mouth shut! DORIS Hey, (BLEEP)wad! Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Moose walks up to Doris, he's clearly two feet taller than her. DORIS What's your problem, big man? MOOSE I don't… like… clowns. WALLY Moose! Enough! MOOSE Sorry, boss. Who do you think did that to G-Dogg? WALLY It doesn't matter! When we find him, he's dead! Search every part of this building! MOOSE Even the ventilation shafts? WALLY No you fool! People only sneak around those in movies! He's probably walking around somewhere! What kind of idiot would crawl around in ventilation shafts? INT. A VENTILATION SHAFT ABOVE A HALLWAY. It's dark in the vent. We hear a flicking sound. A Zippo lights up and we see Jesse holding it in front of him looking around. JESSE "Come out to Vegas! We'll get together, have a few laughs…" Jesse looks out one of the grates and sees Texas and GUNTHER (another henchman) patrolling the halls. TEXAS Alright, he has to be around here somewhere… JESSE (to himself) Closer than you think, pal. Now if only I could remember how to get out of this vent… Suddenly there's a snapping sound as the vent starts to give way. JESSE Aw, crap. The vent collapses to the ground. Jesse is lying on his back as Texas and Gunther look down at him. TEXAS Well, speak of the devil… JESSE Wrong guy. TEXAS What? JESSE Nothing. I'll explain it later. Jesse springs to his feet. Texas raises his gun but before he can fire, Jesse grabs Gunther's gun and swings it like a bat, knocking Texas' gun out of his hand. Jesse catches that gun as well, bends them and throws them over his shoulder. JESSE Sorry, but I've already been shot once today… No sir. I don't like it! Texas and Gunther rush Jesse and tackle him sending them all crashing through one of the apartment doors. Bippo's apartment to be exact. Jesse, Texas and Gunther look at their surroundings. Red velvet. EVERYWHERE. A huge painting of Wayne Newton on the wall. And a stereo system playing the Best of Steve Perry. JESSE No… Sudden… Movements. A bell rings and the Wayne Newton painting lights up. WAYNE NEWTON IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK! JESSE, GUNTHER & TEXAS AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Jesse, Texas and Gunther bolt upright and run out the door and into the hallway. They're catching their breath. TEXAS Alright, that was pretty weird! JESSE You said it! GUNTHER Whew! Thank god we got out of there with our lives! JESSE Yep! Jesse sucker punches Texas and kicks Gunther in the stomach and slams him into a wall. They're now knocked out. Jesse walks back into Bippo's apartment and comes out with handcuffs and a paper bag. Jesse cuffs Texas and Gunther to a pipe along the wall. JESSE Alright, enough playing around. I'm finding your boss and dropping him like booze at AJ MacLean's house. INT. LIAM'S PLACE Meanwhile, back in Liam's place, The entire group is sitting in a group as the leftover henchmen pace around them. Wally is pacing back and forth on Liam's sofa. LIAM Um, sir? I was just wondering, are we going to be fed anytime soon? WALLY QUIET! I'm thinking here! Wally runs up and kicks Liam in the shin. LIAM OW! Dammit! Stacy gets an idea. She stands up and seductively walks towards Wally. She sits down next to him STACY (seductive voice) Please, Mr. Pimento. It may make you look more sympathetic to the police if you try to take care of us before Donner, um… pays. WALLY (Jumps onto Stacy's lap) Why I can get you anything you need, my sweet! All you need to do…is ask. STACY Well, let's get some food, then we'll… talk. Stacy looks away from Wally and makes a gagging expression. Wally grabs a megaphone and walks to the window. WALLY HEY PIGS! LISTEN UP! We'll let one hostage go as a sign of good faith! But you need to bring us some food! Piggy and the officers are playing Game Boy Advances. Piggy looks up. PIGGY Um, sure! Whatever! What kind of food do you want? WALLY Um… What do you say guys? Thai food sound okay? LIAM Pizza? WALLY No, Thai. LIAM Pizza? WALLY No. Thai! LIAM Pizza? Wally sighs. WALLY Fine. Pizza it is. BRING US PIZZA, COPPERS! A while later, The cops are standing by a pizza guy. PIGGY All right, Pimento! We have your pizzas! Let one of the hostages go! WALLY Very well! Wally looks at the group. He looks at Kevin. WALLY You! The quiet one! You're free to go! KEVIN Woohoo! Kevin grabs his stuff and bolts out the door. The police send in the pizza guy as they see Kevin run out. The Pizza guy walks into the building he heads up the stairway. He's now on Liam's floor. As the pizza guy walks by a closet, someone grabs him and drags him in. THAD Man, I am so hungry I could eat a horse. Everyone looks at Thad. THAD What? There's a knock on the door. Moose answers it. It's Jesse wearing the pizza guy's outfit and a phony mustache. JESSE (Bad Italian accent) Hey-a! It's-a your pizza! LIAM Oh… no. ----------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -DonCo Insurance: In case s**t happens! -Boot-Knocka Shoes! For stomping mudholes and walking 'em dry! -Sheep-O's! The cereal that tastes like lamb! ---------------- INT. LIAM'S PLACE Jesse walks in with the pizza. The group stares as he walks over to Moose and hands the pizzas over. Wally and his group don't notice Jesse as he winks and smiles at the group. JESSE Delivery from-a Cosmic Pizzas! You make-a da order, we cross-a da border! WALLY Ah! Our food has arrived! Eat up boys! Don't forget to leave the crust for our hostages! Hahahahahaha! Wally and his goons laugh. ARTURO Why you inhuman little bugger! By not letting us eat you're proving you're nothing more than a monster in Cabbage Patch Kid clothing! WALLY Oh yeah. Not eating is just killing you! You're just wasting away! Wally kicks Arturo in the shin again. JESSE Well enjoy-a your pizza! But how-a about a tip? WALLY Here's a tip! Don't let the door hit you in the ass! Get out! JESSE You want-a your receipt? WALLY Keep it! JESSE Okay, I throw-a it away! Jesse crumples up the receipt and throws it over his shoulder, it lands in Jonathan's hands. Jesse walks out the door. Wally and the henchman eat their pizza. Jonathan opens up the receipt and sees a note. JONATHAN (Quietly) "Don't eat the pizza." Jonathan sees Thad reaching for a piece of crust. Jonathan slaps his hand away. Thad growls. Jonathan pulls out a squeak toy and tosses it to Thad. Thad starts chewing on it. THAD (While chewing) You are SO lucky. That squeak toy just saved your life! A couple of minutes later, Wally and his gang have finished the pizza. WALLY Ahhhhhh… that really hit the spot! Wally's stomach grumbles. WALLY Ohhhh…ugh! The gang starts clutching their stomachs. MOOSE Boss, I think I gotta go potty! ERIK Me too! BILLY Ditto! TYRONE (Clutching stomach) Oh, brotha straight jackin' me to the bone! WALLY Fine! You all can go to the bathroom… AFTER ME! Wally rushes off to the bathroom. He slams the door. The goons are very pre-occupied with their bowel problems. ERIK (Clutching his pants) Ohhhh god. I can feel it brewing! All of a sudden, the door is kicked down and Jesse walks back in. JESSE Any of you seen my ring? JONATHAN (Tosses Jesse his ring) You left it up on the roof. Jesse catches it and is about to tap his ring… JESSE Ah, the hell with it! You with me? JONATHAN Oh sure! Jesse and Jonathan punch Tyrone so hard he flies out the window. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Piggy watches as the body falls toward the ground. PIGGY Oh, I hope that's not a hostage. SUNDAY UNO! PIGGY DAMN YOU! Tyrone's body slams into a limo that pulls up. Donner gets out. DONNER (monotone voice) I already know who to blame for this. Jesse leans out the window and yells towards Tyrone's body. JESSE NOW we're even! "pal!" INT. LIAM'S PLACE. Back in the apartment, Erik and Billy reach for their guns. Tempus puts his hands on their guns. TEMPUS I wouldn't do that if I were you. ERIK W-w-why? TEMPUS My friend might take it as a hostile gesture. Tempus points behind them. Erik and Billy turn to see Werewolf Thad staring at them. WEREWOLF THAD Boo. Erik and Billy faint. MOOSE Youse guys aren't gonna get away with this! Moose reaches for his gun. Bippo grabs a nearby frying pan and hits Moose over the head with it. Bippo continues to beat on the fallen the pan. Finally he stops and throws the pan at the ground, grabs a napkin and wipes his sweaty forehead off. BIPPO Hey, Jesse! Neat trick with the pizza! How'd you do it? LIAM Ask him later! Wally has a bomb! He's gonna blow us all sky high! JESSE Easily solved. Jesse barges in the bathroom off screen. The group listens in. JESSE Allright, you little turd. You're going… Hey! What the hell are you doing IN the toilet? WALLY Taking a bath! What do you think I'm doing? You mind? JESSE …….. No. Not at all. As a matter of fact, you've just given me an idea! We hear struggling noises. We then hear a flush. JESSE Yippee-kai-ay Mother Hubbard! Jesse walks out with the bomb vest Wally was wearing. STACY Where's Wally? JESSE He's taking the pipes. Jonathan is looking at Jesse. JESSE What? JONATHAN "Yippee-kai-ay Mother Hubbard"? JESSE What? That's a good catchphrase! You can't see that on a T-shirt? ARTURO Jesse… The bomb??? JESSE Oh yeah! Almost forgot… Jesse throws the bomb out the window. It explodes, shattering all the windows in the building. JESSE There? Happy? ARTURO (Holding back anger) Oh, I'm ecstatic. Arturo is about to reach for Jesse's neck when Donner walks in with a large briefcase.. DONNER I'm here! I'm here! I have the money in exchange for my… friends who are… free? Bah? STACY Kinda late, aren't you? DONNER Um… It took a while to raise the money. THAD Was Violet dancing tonight? DONNER Hell yeah! You should have seen the thing she did with a vaccum cleaner and a… never mind. This trip was a waste! Liam looks in the briefcase. LIAM Since when do hundred dollar bills have Christopher Walken's face on them? DONNER (Grabbing case) GIVE ME THAT! ------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK -Gran'ma Ethel's Refried Beans & Peanut Butter! Tastes so good, you'll puke! -The Concrete Jockstrap! Built to hold your "stuff"! -Buy your own official Cosmic Weasel "Yippee-kai-ay Mother Hubbard" T-Shirt now! ----------------- EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS The police are dragging Billy and Erik away in a police cruiser and Moose and Tyrone off in an ambulance. Arturo is writing something on a notepad. PIGGY Jeez, guys! We're making coming here into a bit of a habit! BIPPO Okay! So how did you do that thing with the pizza, Jesse? JESSE Simple. I borrowed this from your apartment! Jesse pulls out the bag he took earlier. He pulls a box marked Ex-Lax: Industrial Strength out. BIPPO Awwww… I was saving that for Valentine's day! STACY Okay, so where did you get the pizza guy outfit from? JESSE I took it off some pizza guy. STACY And the phony mustache? JESSE Like I said, the pizza guy! Stacy pauses. The pizza guy walks out, half naked. He's very upset. He's about to attack our gang when Donner walks up to him. DONNER (Hands the pizza guy the briefcase) Here. Have a million dollars. The Pizza guy walks away happy. Donner starts to snicker. DONNER Now this trip was worth it! JONATHAN Okay, so now you can answer the REAL question: How the hell did you survive getting shot? LIAM Lemme guess! A Weasel healing factor? You caught the bullet with your hands at superspeed? Divine intervention? JESSE Nothing so pedestrian. I'll break it down like this. Arturo may be a brilliant professor, but he's a lousy cook! Jesse pulls out a black hamburger patty and tosses it to Jonathan. Jonathan sees the bullet lodged in it. ARTURO Well, lousy cook or not! Someone is going to have to pay for these damages! The windows, several doors, a new vent shaft… I intend to make you repair all these damages, young man! JESSE (Smiling) Okay. Gimme a hammer and we'll start! TEMPUS Brilliant, Professor. You've just given him free access to several blunt objects and power tools. ARTURO Well…um…Let's talk this out! Arturo chases after Jesse. Stacy walks up to Liam STACY Still thinking about this "Tribunal of Evil"? LIAM Yeah. As long as they're out there and after me. We're all in danger. I'm going to have to do something about this and soon. STACY Well, I'm kinda wondering about Wally Pimento and where that little creep went off to. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS'S APARTMENT. HER BATHROOM. Senestra is just getting out of the shower when she hears a gurgling noise. All of a sudden, Wally bursts out of the toilet. WALLY Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wally lands in Senestra's arms. Her expression of shock slowly turns into a smile. SENESTRA Hey, there shorty. Come here often? WALLY Forgive me if I don't answer! I'm lost in your eyes. Ten minutes later… Wally and Senestra are in bed smoking cigarettes. SENESTRA I can't belive I cheated on my boyfriend! WALLY You've got a boyfriend? Who is he? I'll murder him! SENESTRA Satan. WALLY Satan is your boyfriend? SENESTRA Eh, it's not cheating if he never find out. (takes a puff of the cigarette) Wow. You can really taste the flavor! Where did you get these? WALLY Found 'em in the sewers! Senestra spits out the cigarette and is about to say something when the windows are ripped open and the same MYSTERIOUS FIGURE floats in. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Wally Pimento! I have use of you! Come with me and you shall gain revenge on the ones who have wronged you! WALLY Count me in, pal! SENESTRA What about me? Do I get an offer too? A pause MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Um, No. But we'll keep your application on file. Okay, then? Bye-bye now. Wally and the Mysterious Figure leave. INT. A DARK AND SINISTER LAIR The Tribunal of Evil are arguing. TRIBUNAL 1 He knows of our existence! TRIBUNAL 2 We're screwed! TRIBUNAL 3 We are soooooooo dead! TRIBUNAL 4 Didn't I say this was going to happen? TRIBUNAL 5 Aw, come on guys! He can't be that dangerous! Can he? TRIBUNAL 1 Well he may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer…. TRIBUNAL 2 But he knows plenty other sharp knives in that drawer and they're gonna kick our ass! TRIBUNAL 3 He's gonna get even! Payback time! TRIBUNAL 4 Tit for tat! TRIBUNAL 5 And speaking of "Tat"… BRING IN THE DANCING GIRLS!!! Several strippers come in and start dancing. But the Tribunal's fail to smile. They're too worried. FADE OUT ROLL CREDITS. Please Rate
"Die Hardest" Total crap! >> >> >> Supurb!

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