Timecrash

The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.17 - "Timecrash"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is sitting at the table glancing up at a Kari Wuhrer calender displaying the month of November. He sighs sadly and picks at a sanwich he's made for himself. There is a knock at the door. LIAM Oh, who are you trying to kid, Bippo? You know you're going to come in whether I say "come in" or not. Bippo sticks his head in the door. BIPPO HA HA! You said "come in" twice. I think I'll save the second one for later when your not home and the pawn shop is open. Why the long face there, sugar? LIAM Oh, I always get depressed this time of year. BIPPO Ah, yes... Canadian Remembrance Day gets to me too. Not really the holiday... Just that Canada is still there. LIAM I'm talking about Thanksgiving. Bippo stares at him blankly. BIPPO Oh, you mean that ritualistic occasion where a family sacrifices a medium-sized flightless bird and then devours the carcass? LIAM That's the one, though I'll never quite think of it the same way again. I've always gotten sad around Thanksgiving. Maybe it's because I've never really had a family to share it with. BIPPO What about Stacy? She IS your sister. You remember her? The sister you almost married? Remember, sicko? LIAM Yeah, I KNOW!!! (beat) I thought that having her around would somehow make me feel better, but I still feel unfulfilled. BIPPO You know what you need? You need one of those crazy adventures we get into when people like that Mulder guy and that Scully chick came down or when we went on the starship Voyager or when Scooby Doo and the gang drop by! That'll get your mind off things! As if on cue, CAPTAIN DYLAN HUNT from Andromeda enters. CAPTAIN HUNT Excuse me, I'm Captain Dylan Hunt from the Andromeda and I need your-- Bippo forcibly points to the door without looking at him. BIPPO Keep walking, buddy. Captain Hunt hangs his head and walks out the door. LIAM No, Bippo... I just have to accept the fact that no matter what, I'll always be alone because I'll never really know where I came from. BIPPO The orphanage? LIAM No. Before that. BIPPO White slavery? Liam looks at Bippo. LIAM You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? BIPPO Oh, you mean your mom's pu-- LIAM I THINK... It would be best if you leave. BIPPO I'm just messin' with you, Liam. Truth is, I understand how you feel. Why, I remember the first Thanksgiving after I ki... I mean, after the old man's fatal self inflicted axe decapitation. It was a lonely time for me too. LIAM Bippo, isn't your dad a Ringmaster with Barnum and Baily? You introduced me to him yesterday! BIPPO Hey, I'm not on trial here! Am I? I'M OUT OF ORDER!? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!!! THE WHOLE SYSTEM'S OUT OF ORDER!!! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! LIAM Bippo, I know in your strange and demented barely in touch with reality way, you're trying to help... But I really need some time to myself. Thanks, but please leave. BIPPO All right, I'm going. Bippo starts towards the door. BIPPO Too bad you don't have a way of going back in time to unravel the mysteries of your childhood and subsequent separation from your parents. I'm sure THAT would make you feel better. Bippo exits. LIAM Yeah, that might help, but how would such a thing be possible? Bippo passes by outside Liam's window. BIPPO What about your VCR? LIAM YEAH! MY VC... Liam glances back at Bippo in shock LIAM Bippo? I'm on the 2nd story! BIPPO Oh, poopies. Bippo falls on the ground with a thud. BIPPO (O.C.) I'm okay! The concrete broke my fall! Liam runs to his closet and begins digging for the time traveling VCR. After a few minutes, be comes up empty handed. LIAM What the hell did I do with it? Liam spies the VCR holding up the coffee table under a broken leg. LIAM SUCCESS!!! Liam begins setting the VCR up while whistling the Oscar Meyer song to himself. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Bippo is walking along the sidewalk when suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER walks up along side him. MYSTERIOUS STRANGER Is it done? BIPPO What? The giving Liam the idea of going back in time? Yeah. It was a good prank, huh? Maybe we can work together again sometime, huh? The Mysterious Stranger lags behind and takes off his hat revealing that he is SATAN. SATAN Oh, yes... That is a distinct possibility. Satan smiles an evil smile. FADE OUT: ------ THEME SEQUENCE Set to the theme music of "The Dick Van Dyke Show", Liam enters his apartment where Stacy, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad are waiting for him. Liam smiles and goes to shake Arturo's hand when he trips over a footrest and crashes into the coffee table. Everyone has a light- hearted laugh as Liam gets up holding a massive head wound gushing blood all over the place. Finally, Liam begins to laugh with them as well. ------ THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Also Starring

Gary Dordan
as
"Tempus"

and
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"

The Liam Smith Show contains mostly new jokes and 76 percent actual humor. Not a signifigant source of USDA approved entertainment.

INT. TEMPUS' PLACE Tempus is watching a holographic readout of the timestream while working on his S.U.I.T. TEMPUS (V.O.) Chronolog. Date: November 24, 2001. It turns out that my situation isn't as hopeless as I first thought it was. With S.U.I.T.'s diminishing power reserves, I am forced to adapt primitive 21st century power to recharge it. Results are promising. Perhaps I might actually see 3033 again if I can save the future. The holographic display beeps. TEMPUS Uh-oh. S.U.I.T. Uh-oh, what? Did you spill something on me? You know, that spaghetti stain you got on me during the Meozoic Era still hasn't come out! TEMPUS My timeline integrity table is showing a 35 percent rise in chronoton particles and a 95 percent drop in the certainty factor. Who could be doing this? S.U.I.T. It's a good thing that the space time hollow you live in protects you from changes in the timeline. TEMPUS Yeah, but I'm not going to be able to initiate repairs by myself! I'll have to snatch a few people from the timeline before it shifts! INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY Thad and Arturo are arguing. Stacy looks on. ARTURO There is no more need for disagreement, Thaddeus Your contract specifically states that heartworms are NOT covered by insurance. THAD But, professor! The ground shakes. STACY What was that? THAD Professor, did you cut one? ARTURO Did I what? STACY What's going on!? Was that another earthquake? ARTURO I haven't the foggiest! Suddenly, furniture in the lobby begins to change and transform before their eyes. A red couch turns into a brown love seat. A glass end table turns to wood. STACY What the HELL!? Suddenly, a door of light appears. Tempus steps out in his timesuit. TEMPUS Your timeline is shifting. Get in here now before you change as well. Thad, Stacy, and Arturo jump inside the door which slams shut just as the entire office transforms. INT. TEMPUS' PLACE Tempus walks to the holographic display. The others follow him. ARTURO What the devil just happened back there!? TEMPUS I told you. History has been altered. I was lucky enough to save the three of you before you were altered as well. THAD History's been altered? When? TEMPUS The appropriate answer isn't how, Thad... It's when. THAD But that's what I... TEMPUS THERE! Tempus points to the display. TEMPUS It looks like someone traveled backwards in time about forty-five seconds ago. THAD How? TEMPUS The question isn't "who", Thad, but how? THAD But I said... TEMPUS Time travel technology isn't pioneered until the late 23rd century. What is it doing in 2001? THAD I think I know why. TEMPUS The question isn't why, Thad, it's... (a beat) Wait... YOU know why? THAD Liam has a VCR that can zap one person back in time. TEMPUS Huh? THAD Well, I'm not privy to all the details, but my predecessor's predecessor, Harry the Handyman was the one who invented it. TEMPUS You're saying that a man-beast from a back-woods rape the tourists time like 2001 invented time travel? THAD If it makes you feel any better, it WAS an accident. Oh, and he did it last year, so that should make you feel even more insulted. STACY So, Liam went back in time. But why? THAD And when? TEMPUS We can't concern ourselves with the "why" the "how" and the "when", we must focus on the... Uh... The problem. I'll have to monitor the timestream and see exactly where this deviation began. In the meantime, professor, I want you to do me a favor. Tempus hands the professor an instrument. TEMPUS That's a chronocorder. It measures trace temporal displacements. Take it to Liam's apartment and scan the room. ARTURO I thought that history was altered. TEMPUS It was. You're going to be going into an alternate timeline so be careful. ARTURO Oh, don't worry about me. I happen to have a bit of experience in alternate worlds. Arturo leaves. Stacy casts a worried eye on the holographic readout. STACY Liam, where are you? TEMPUS The appropriate question, Stacy, is "when are you". Stacy looks at Tempus for a second and then punches him in the face. Thad looks at Stacy in wonder. THAD I love you. EXT. A SMALL TOWN OUTSIDE LAS VEGAS Liam is walking down the road with the VCR under one arm. The dress of the passersby and the cars parks on the street indicate a period of over twenty years ago. LIAM Wow! Liam goes up to a man on the sidewalk. LIAM Excuse me, could you tell me what the date is? MAN Oh, it's June 28th. LIAM And the year? MAN (give Liam weird look) 1979. LIAM Great, and what color is the sky? The man looks at Liam. MAN What are you talking about? Why are you asking so many stupid...!? LIAM HAH! Got you! That was a joke... Actually, the first question about what year it was wasn't a joke because I'm a time traveler from 2001 here to solve the mysteries of my birth. MAN Really? That's very interesting. LIAM You think? The man slaps a pair of handcuffs on Liam. DRAKE I'm Doctor Drake Daniels from the Gerald R. Ford Clinic for the Mentally Retarded and I'm placing you under arrest since you're an obvious schitzophrenic. LIAM YOU'RE Drake Daniels? You don't understand! I'm not a schitzophrenic! I'm your son! DRAKE Look, I know my son... I've held my son... I've played peek-a-boo with my son and, buddy, you ain't my son! Now come quietly or I'll have to use force. LIAM Tasers? No, wait... This is 1979. There aren't any tasers yet so what kind of force are we talking abo-- Drake punches Liam in the face. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - 2001 Arturo enters what was once Liam's Apartment only to find the place bare and empty. ARTURO I guess in this timeline, no one lives in this apartment... Either that or they're into minimalism. Either way, I hope I can get the readings on the cronocorder before we slide. Arturo catches himself. ARTURO (smiles) Bloody hell, I've missed this. I guess old habits die hard. VOICE The only thing around here that's going to die hard is you if you don't tell me just what the hell you're doing in here! Arturo whirls around. ARTURO Who the devil are YOU!? MISTER HILTER enters the room. MISTER HILTER I'm the one who's going to bust your ass to prison, trespasser! ARTURO Wait, I've seen your picture before. You're Mister Hilter, aren't you? It's a pleasure to meet you. Mister Hilter pulls a gun. MISTER HILTER Flattery will get you nowhere, fatso. ARTURO WAIT! I'm from an alternate timeline... The TRUE timeline. I'm here because Liam Smith went back in time and screwed everything up and... MISTER HILTER Who? ARTURO Liam Smith. MISTER HILTER I've never heard of Liam Smith. ARTURO I guess he doesn't exist here. MISTER HILTER Wait a minute, did you say an "alternate timeline"? ARTURO Yes! MISTER HILTER Interesting... but it's hokum and horsesh*t. Still, I think the others should hear this. INT. THE GERALD R. FORD CLINIC FOR THE MENTALLY RETARDED Liam is in a straight jacket as DRAKE DANIELS enters. LIAM It's been two weeks. Can I go now? DRAKE Actually, I'd like to hear more about the time you come from. LIAM I've told you! George Bush's son is in the White House, I live with a man from a parallel universe and his talking dog roommate, our handyman is a werewolf, his best friend is a homicidal clown... I'm pursued by Satan, a hooker of undetermined gender, my boss who is actually a super villain, and something called the Tribunal of Evil. What's so hard to believe about THAT!? DRAKE Liam... If that is your real name... There's no such thing as time travel. LIAM Of course there is. Otherwise, why would I be here, dad? DRAKE And stop calling me dad. LIAM Sorry, pop. DRAKE No pops either. LIAM Father? Parental Unit? Pappy? Pa? DRAKE Doctor Daniels will do fine. LIAM What about your wife, Holly? Drake stops. DRAKE How the HELL did you know her... (he stops himself) What about her? LIAM You have a wife named Holly and a step-daughter named Stacy. All three of you are in great danger. DRAKE If you even THINK about hurting them... LIAM No, no, no, no... Assassins! DRAKE Who? LIAM Mom... Holly told me that soon after I was born, you guys were attacked by assassins. DRAKE That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Next thing you'll be telling me that Sonny Bono becomes a Congressman. LIAM He does! And Cher wins an Oscar! DRAKE This session is over. Drake quickly leaves. LIAM Sh*t. INT. TEMPUS' PLACE Stacy is putting an ice pack on Tempus' face as Thad looks on. STACY Sorry about that, Tempus. TEMPUS How typical of 21st century barbarians. To resort to violence over a petty matter like my constant correction of you. STACY All right, look... I don't like you. You're self-righteous, arrogant, and you've got a superiority complex right up the wazzoo. TEMPUS All right, since we're on the subject and I have no idea what a 'wazzoo' is, I don't like you either. You're violent, barbaric, primitive, and I'm ashamed to share the same genetic makeup with you. STACY Same here, but we've got to work together to straighten this out! Tempus considers this. TEMPUS All right. STACY Fine, let's bury the hatchet. TEMPUS You come near me with a hatchet and I'll... STACY It's an expression, numbnuts. TEMPUS Ah, more quaint 21st century banter. THAD Hit him again, Stacy! STACY So, how are we going to find Liam? TEMPUS I'm tracking him, but time is damaged and the readings are unreliable. You are his sister, correct? STACY Yes... Well, half sister really. We have the same mom, but different dads. THAD Huh? Your and Liam's mom was married three times? STACY Yes, first to a man named Taylor VaVoom, my father... He was a propane salesman who was burned to death when his barbecue pit exploded during a propane verses charcoal cookoff... I guess it's no surprise who ended up winning. I didn't know him very well... I was only a baby when he died. THAD Oh, I'm sorry... I know what it's like to loose a parent. STACY You ate your parents, Thad. THAD Yeah, but the love's still there... And the heartburn. STACY Moving on then, Mom married this doctor, Drake Daniels... He was Liam's dad, I guess. I remember there being a baby in the house, but I was only four so... Anyway, Drake left my mom and I never spoke to him again. I heard he died a couple of years back. I never had any use for him. TEMPUS Interesting. STACY Mom married again to a consultant from Carson City. He's the guy I think of as my dad. TEMPUS Well, thank you Stacy... You've been entirely no help at all. THAD Hit him, Stacy. STACY GRRR! Tempus ducks in fear. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY Arturo and Hilter are there with Thad, Bippo, Chocolate Treat, Elvis, and Doris. ARTURO ...and So I was sent here to get those readings so that we can find Liam and bring him home restoring our timeline. ELVIS I've taken some temporal readings with this chronoscanner Harry accidentally made with a Mister Coffee before the HELL 9000 killed him and it says that the professor is temporally displaced, but I'm not sure If I believe him. I mean, he says he knows us in this "alternate timeline", but so far, he hasn't given us any proof of... ARTURO Elvis, you dream at night of a giant purple world far away but don't know why. You stare at the face in the mirror and have the strangest feeling that you're living someone else's life. Elvis is quietly shocked. ELVIS How did you know... ARTURO Thad, you're a killer bloodthirsty creature of the night and by day you question your worth as a human being. Still, the POTENTIAL is there! Arturo looks at Chocolate Treat. ARTURO Chocolate Treat, you will sleep with any man you can! Hell, you gave me your room key when you walked into the room five minutes ago. BIPPO Oo! Oo! Do me next! ARTURO Bippo, you try to make yourself fit in so desperately, but your nature doesn't allow you to... BIPPO Not you, tubby, I was talking to Chocolate Treat. MISTER HILTER I'm still not convinced. Suddenly, Stacy enters. The side of her face is scarred by what looks like burn marks. STACY Sorry I'm late, I had some stuff I had to do back at the... ARTURO Stacy, child! You've come to rescue me! STACY Do I know you? ARTURO Do you know me? (a beat, he sees her scar) Damn, I thought for a moment you where... Nevermind. MISTER HILTER This is Professor Arturo. He claims to be from an alternate timeline. STACY Oh, just like that episode of Star Trek where Worf went to all the parallel universes! Or that TV show with the three people and the fat guy, what's-his-face? ARTURO I haven't the foggiest. Wait a minute, you're talking like that little camel toe, Gary the Fanboy! STACY You mean my husband? ARTURO Your HUSBAND! GARY THE FANBOY enters. GARY Sweetheart! STACY My little tribble! The two kiss. CHOCOLATE TREAT Excuse me while I quietly retch. ARTURO This is too much for me to handle! The two of you HATE each other. GARY Who the hell are you and what are you talking about? Stacy and I couldn't be more in love. ARTURO (gets it) Of course... No Liam, no restraining order against Kari Wuhrer and no reason for her to come to Las Vegas and break up Gary and Stacy's engagement! Imagine that... The world would have been a much more lowly place without Liam Smith. Stacy jumps up. STACY Did you say Liam Smith? ARTURO Yes... The man who went back in time in my timeline. He might... STACY Liam Smith Daniels? ARTURO I always assumed his last name was Smith. STACY Mom and Dad were going to change it... Shorten it to Liam Smith so that they wouldn't find him. ARTURO Who? STACY The assassins. ARTURO The assassins who came after you and your family after Liam was born? STACY Yes! You know about that? ARTURO So Liam DOES exist here! Where is he? STACY Where is he? Professor Arturo, Liam died in 1979... he was just a baby! Suddenly, a man appears in the door. MISTER HILTER Not again! Get out of here, you damn hobo! MAN Liam Smith didn't die in 1979, Professor Arturo... INT. A SMALL HOUSE - 1979 Drake Daniels enters. On the floor, YOUNG STACY is playing with dolls. Drake walks over and gives his wife, HOLLY, a kiss. Holly is holding BABY LIAM and singing the Oscar Meyer song to him. HOLLY My baby has a first name, it's L-I A-M. My has a first name, it's L-I A-M... (shes notices Drake) Hi, honey. DRAKE Doesn't he ever get tired of you singing that song, Holly? HOLLY It relaxes him. I think little Liam likes it. That reminds me! You'll never believe what happened today. Liam was in his crib when suddenly, that bookcase fell over on top of him. DRAKE My GOD! Was he hurt? HOLLY Not in the slightest. In fact, he didn't have a scratch on him! The family album and a copy of War and Peace kept the bookcase from falling on him. I'm telling you, dear, our little Liam is the luckiest baby in the world! DRAKE That's... Great. HOLLY Bad day at work? DRAKE The darndest thing, honey... We've got a man out at the clinic who thinks that he's Liam. HOLLY Our Liam? DRAKE He says he's a time traveler from 2001. Young Stacy runs over to him. YOUNG STACY Daddy, you're always saying that we should give people the benefit of the dirt! DRAKE It's "doubt", Stacy... He said that Cher will win an Oscar. YOUNG STACY Nevermind. He's CRAZY! HOLLY So, why is this bothering you so much? INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001 As before. Everyone is looking at the newcomer at the door. MAN Don't get me wrong, the real Liam Smith perished on that day 22 years ago, but a version of Liam lived... INT. THE DANIEL'S HOME - 1979 DRAKE There was just something about him... Something that made me want to trust him. And he had a warning... INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001 MAN He lived through the eighties and the nineties passing through life unnoticed... INT. THE DANIEL'S HOME - 1979 DRAKE He said we should watch out for assassins. HOLLY Assassins? YOUNG STACY What's an assassin? DRAKE Hired killers, sweetie. YOUNG STACY Oh, you mean like those guys in black waiting outside in the bushes? Holly and Drake jump up and look. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001 STACY How do you know this? The man steps into the room and we see that he is an OLD LIAM with all the signs that he is in his forties. He also has a straggly beard and is dressed in tattered clothing. OLD LIAM I have it on good authority, Professor. INT. THE DRAKE HOUSE - 1979 Bullets begin to rip through the home as Holly grabs Young Stacy and heads for cover. Drake grabs Liam and runs for it. EXT. THE DRAKE HOUSE The assassins dressed in black are shooting up the house. The camera pans over to reveal SATAN. SATAN Keep firing, minions I want that child destroyed! INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY Old Liam walks over and throws his arms around Professor Arturo who is a little confused. ARTURO You mean to tell me that you're my Liam? OLD LIAM From your timeline, yes. ARTURO What happened to you? OLD LIAM Two decades happened to me and the fact that I couldn't stop the forces of darkness from killing my younger self. I wanted to learn all about my past and, in doing so... INT. THE DANIEL'S HOME - 1979 Bullets continue to rip through the house as the parents hunker down in a closet. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS LOBBY - 2001 OLD LIAM In doing so, I've done nothing but destroy the future. Liam looks at everyone in the room. Shame washes over his face. STACY Liam? Is that really you? Stacy walks over and takes a good look at Liam's face, placing her hands on each side of his head and slowly embracing him in a hug. ARTURO Rest, my boy... Rest for now. You may have lost your future once, but by God... We're going to take it back. FADE OUT: ...TO BE CONTINUED

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