Dances With Werewolves

The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.19 - "Dances With Werewolves"
Written by Jason Gaston

EXT. A GOTHIC CASTLE - NIGHT Outside the gothic stone structure, we see many pale-faced VAMPIRES gathered about for some kind of meeting. A limo drives up to the front gates. SUBTITLE: "TRANSYLVANIA, 64th STREET" A steely woman steps out of the castle gates she is MOTHER SUCKER, the queen mother of all vampires. She addresses her right hand man, LaSTAT, played by Tom Cruise. MOTHER SUCKER Quite a fruitful meeting, wouldn't you say, LeStat? LESTAT Indeed. We should have more meetings of the worlds most influential vampires more often. The driver of the limo opens the door for Mother Sucker. DRIVER Your limo, Mother Sucker. Mother Sucker stops. MOTHER SUCKER I HATE that title. They get in the limo. The driver walks around to the drivers side, but a dark shadow grabs him and drags him into the bushes. INT. THE LIMO Mother Sucker and LeStat continue to talk, unaware of what has just happened to the driver. LESTAT One thing we didn't discuss in the meeting was the Drew Fangtastic situation. MOTHER SUCKER Fangtastic is a minor concern. LESTAT But if the rumors we've been hearing are true... MOTHER SUCKER Then he is a fool. Now, let's waste no more time on him. The limo begins to move. LESTAT Very well. What of the Justice Squad? I hear that they're actually making some sort of a difference in the world now. MOTHER SUCKER Amazing, isn't it? Perhaps we should place an operative in... A pause. MOTHER SUCKER Wait a minute... This isn't the road to Whataburger! Driver, where are you taking us!? LESTAT ...and What's that burning hair and ass smell? It almost smells like a...! The driver rolls down the separation glass revealing that he is... MOTHER SUCKER WEREWOLF! LESTAT DOOGAN KESSLER! DOOGAN Greetings, suckheads! MOTHER SUCKER You mongrel! How DARE you show your flea-bitten face in Transylvania You KNOW that this is vampire country! DOOGAN Oh, blah... Blah... Blah... Unlike you disgusting bloodsuckers, I don't have eternity to wait so let's just say I'm here to jump start the clock a little on a certain prophecy. Doogan takes out a cross bow and fires two wooden stakes into both vampires who writhe and scream and finally melt into piles of dust. Smoke fills the cabin. DOOGAN HA! A few more assassinations like that and maybe we'll see a little more action! Next stop, Las Vegas! Fumes from the dead vampires overtakes him. DOOGAN Whew! Something tells me they were smoking more than just hams at that banquet! Sheesh! --- THEME SONG (TO "A MAN OF CONSTANT SORROW" FROM "O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?") (Of constant sorrow. All through his days.) I'm a wolfman of constant sorrow. I chew my bone. On God's golden shore. I don't like things that are made of silver. I've got thick hair and two large fangs. (Of constant sorrow. Two big fangs.) But I ain't the big bad wolf. I'm just a guy With lycanthropy. (Of constant sorrow. Lycanthropy.) Ole! --- THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Starring Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys-Davies as "Professor Arturo" Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey" and Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Also Starring David Hopper as "Drew Fangtastic" and Betty White as "Doris Winchester" Guest Starring Barbara Streisand as "Mother Sucker" and Skeet Ulrich as "Doogan Kessler" Unless otherwise noted, no celebrity endorses or supports THE LIAM SMITH SHOW. As a result, THE LIAM SMITH SHOW believes it is time to rise up against the celebrities and kill them. EXT. LAS VEGAS - NIGHT High above the rooftops, we see Thad/Werewolf leaping and running along side the buildings. THAD (V.O.) I've started to keep a journal. It was Stacy's idea... Me, I never picked up a book without a little bunny logo on it much less wrote one myself, but I figure why not give it a shot. Here's the skinny... I'm a thirty-four year old high-school dropout who, until recently, worked at Circus Circus. I became a werewolf two years ago and let me tell you, it was a real inconvenience for me and I guess all the people, pets, and livestock I think I devoured. But that's all behind me now... Now I'm ten years younger, I'm in great shape, I work as a handyman in a place I love and for the first time, I'm in control of the werewolf. Thad/Werewolf stops on a ledge and looks down into an alley. THAD (V.O.) In fact, I've begun putting my former disability to good use... Patrolling the city and lending a helping paw where I can. In the alley below, DORIS is surrounded by three Johovia's Witnesses offering religious brochures. DORIS HELP ME!!! Thad/Werewolf leaps down into the alley and fends off the Johovia's Witnesses who do backflips and take out nun-chucks and throwing stars. Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up" begins to play as the JW's begin to attack in a parody of the fight scenes in "Charlie's Angels" with unbelievable martial arts that seem to suspend them in the air for impossibly long amounts of time before they kick Thad/Werewolf in the face. Thad/Werewolf attacks right back, but suddenly notices wires. THAD/WEREWOLF I knew it! Thad/Werewolf takes out a pair of scissors and cuts the wires sending the JW's falling to the ground. JOHOVIA'S WITNESS #1 Gah! Don't hurt us! THAD/WEREWOLF I'm not going to hurt you. JOHOVIA'S WITNESS #1 That's a relief. THAD/WEREWOLF But she will. Doris kicks the JW's several times with her high-heels and hits them with her purse. The JW's run off into the darkness leaving a trail of brochures behind them. Thad/Werewolf transforms back into Thad. DORIS Well, I must say I was lucky you were sniffing about the area, kiddo though I must admit I'm going to miss the old you who would freak out and just eat everyone for no good reason. THAD So are a lot of people for some reason. Sorry to disappoint you. DORIS Not at all. You coming home? THAD Nah, I'm going to roam around a little more and make sure there aren't any more of these Johovia's Witness's wandering around. You know how dangerous a mob of them can get. DORIS Especially if they start slugging back Piña Coladas. All right, good night Thad. Doris walks away. Thad remains were he is. THAD (V.O.) Yep, everything seems to be going my way... But if it is, why do I have that funny feeling that someone's watching me. Doogan appears in the shadows. DOOGAN Hello Thad. THAD (V.O.) Oh. THAD Doogan? DOOGAN Look at you! Deaged and everything. I also understand that you've gained control of your bestial self. THAD Hey, I don't know who you've been talking to, but I've never EVER had sex with an animal! DOOGAN (a beat) W-What? No, moron! I mean you've gained control of the werewolf! THAD Oh. Right. So. What are you doing here? DOOGAN No need to sound suspicious, Thad. I'm just here on business that doesn't concern you. Despite that... Unpleasantness that occurred when we tried to bring you into the pack... THAD You mean you trying to eat Liam? DOOGAN Yes, I... THAD And you confessing to making me a werewolf and then trying to kill me? DOOGAN Y-Yeah, listen... THAD And then that chick werewolf trying to eat Stacy AND Liam? DOOGAN YES! THAD S'cool. DOOGAN Like I was saying, Thad. I just came to check in on you and see how you were progressing. I must say I am impressed. Despite your feelings for the brotherhood, we do care about you. THAD Sweet. So, what are you in town for? DOOGAN Business... Which brings me to my second reason for coming to see you. We like you Thad... despite the fact that you broke from the pack, we like you. So, the brotherhood and I are offering this one warning: For the next 6 hours, stay out of our way. THAD Huh? DOOGAN Don't interfere. THAD With what? DOOGAN Just don't interfere, all right? THAD You're doing something bad, aren't you? DOOGAN Ye... I mean, no! Look, just play ball for the next six hours and you'll be fine. THAD You want me to play ball? DOOGAN NO! Don't interfere THAD Are you starting a baseball team? DOOGAN Don't play games with me, Coffey! THAD But you just said you wanted me to play ball! Should I bring a certain color shirt or is it going to be shirts verses skins? Doogan's eye begins to twitch. He stares at Thad in disbelief. THAD Did I just fart? Doogan shakes his head and walks off. THAD Call me! (a beat) I'm beginning to think this has nothing to do with sports at all! THAD (V.O.) Sometimes even being a controlled werewolf sucks. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam and Bippo are watching Thad write in his journal. THAD (writing) Maybe I'd better go to Liam's apartment and figure things out. LIAM Thad, you've been writing in that journal of yours for the last thirty minutes. Why? THAD Well, I can't very well write in it while I'm on patrol! I tried that once and got hit by a bus! BIPPO (to Liam) I suppose we shouldn't mention all the spelling errors he made, then? LIAM So, Doogan Kessler and the Brotherhood of the Pack are back in town. What are they doing? THAD I talked to him... Sized up his intentions and I came to the conclusion that they are here to start some sort of minor league werewolf baseball team. BIPPO That's a relief. Las Vegas needs some sort of semi-pro team. LIAM Uh, Thad... Don't you think that they're here for anything... I don't know, more sinister? THAD You mean... You think they're going to throw a game or two for the bookies? LIAM No, I mean... They are EVIL werewolves, aren't they? THAD Well, sure... But evil werewolves love a good game of baseball too. LIAM Sooo... What are you going to do? THAD The only thing I can do, Liam... The only thing I can do. Thad puts on a baseball cap, a glove, and picks up a baseball bat. LIAM What are you doing? THAD I'm going to try out for the team! Thad exits. LIAM You know, I'm beginning to wonder if when he took control of the werewolf, he didn't let go of his brain a little. INT. BROTHERHOOD CASTLE Doogan and the brotherhood are in their ceremonial robes looking over a chart projected on the wall via an overhead projector. DOOGAN As you can see, our operatives around the world have assassinated the most influential and important vampire leaders. Only one remains... A picture of DREW FANGTASTIC appears. DOOGAN This filthy little tag-nut is called Drew Fangtastic. He's running some sort of underground movement here in Las Vegas that most of the upper echelon suck heads don't even know about. We take him out, and the vampire community will have no choice but to concede or to go to war and with all the new werewolves in our organization that rouge has been suppling us with, there's no way they can win! HA! HA! HA! I Don't hear anyone laughing with me! EVERYONE HA! HA! HA! HAAAA! DOOGAN Better! All we have to do now is find the little suckhead which means I need teams of four Patrolling the city twenty four hours a day. It'll take weeks... Maybe even months to find him, but when we do, we'll deal with him and have him dead faster than you can say... Thad enters. THAD Play ball! DOOGAN What the fu--!? THAD I'm here to try out for the team! DOOGAN What team!? THAD Your baseball team. A pause. DOOGAN THERE IS NO BASEBALL TEAM, DAMMIT!!! THAD Well then, what's going on here and why do you have a picture of Drew Fangtastic on your wall? DOOGAN That's none of your... (a beat) YOU know Drew Fangtastic? THAD Tuh! Yeah, unfortunately. I see way too much of him. Doogan jumps off his pedestal and runs over to Thad putting his hands on his shoulders. DOOGAN Thad! Boobie! Buddy! Where have you been all day? THAD Did you just call me "booby buddy?" DOOGAN I was just telling the other brothers here how much I missed you being in our little group. THAD You have? DOOGAN Of course we have! I tell you what, how about we offer you a seat on the Brotherhood council? THAD Huh? DOOGAN Honorary, of course. You know, as an apology for the... "Unpleasantness" THAD The what? (a beat) Oh, you mean you trying to eat Liam and Stacy and then trying to kill me? DOOGAN (sour) Yes. That. THAD All right, but only if you promise not to do it again. DOOGAN My word is my bond. THAD Okay... But aren't you going to promise? DOOGAN (beat) I... Promise, Thad. None of us will eat Liam Smith, Stacy VaVoom OR try to kill you. THAD Excellent. DOOGAN Now, tell us about this Drew Fangtastic. THAD Well, he's British. DOOGAN Uh-huh. THAD And he's an asshole. DOOGAN That goes hand in hand, doesn't it? THAD And he hates werewolves. DOOGAN Given. THAD He has this really freaky little goatee that almost makes him look like trailer trash. DOOGAN Okay. THAD And he smells like a rotting carcass on hot nights. DOOGAN Where does he live, though? THAD Live? Oh. In Liberache's tomb in the cemetery. DOOGAN Perfect! Brotherhood! FALL OUT! Doogan and the other members of the brotherhood run to the door leaving Thad alone. THAD (to empty room) So is the meeting over? INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Professor Arturo, Bippo, Doris, and Liam are talking. ARTURO ...and So, I won these tickets to the opera, you know, the one supposedly haunted by that phantom fellow, and I can't find anyone to take with me. LIAM Count me out. I've learned the hard way that if you win anything, especially tickets, you should steer clear because SOMETHING bad is going to happen. BIPPO Oh! Take me! I love opera! ARTURO You do? BIPPO Yeah, especially her book club. ARTURO That's Oprah, you ninny! BIPPO Well, what's the difference? ARTURO Oprah is the fat woman who stands in front of an audience and goes on endlessly about stuff no one understands. BIPPO Again, what's the difference? ARTURO Gah! DORIS I have an idea, professor, why don't I go with you? We can call it a date! ARTURO A date? Madame, you're old enough to be my mother! DORIS So? You're fat enough to be my car. LIAM She's got you there, Herbie. Thad enters. BIPPO Hey, hey Thaddy-kins. How'd the baseball tryouts go? THAD It was the weirdest thing, guys. LIAM He's been explaining things for two seconds, and I all ready know that things are about to go South. THAD They just asked me a bunch of stuff about Drew. LIAM Fangtastic? THAD No, Carrey... OF COURSE FANGTASTIC! They found out that I know him, so they asked me about all this stuff like where he lives and where he goes and stuff like that. Gary the Fanboy appears behind Liam. GARY Be warned, my friends. Everyone jumps. ARTURO Jeee-zus! GARY Sorry. I've been hung up on this "mysterious man appears suddenly and gives out advise" thing lately. DORIS Where'd you get a fool idea like that? GARY Read it in an X Files parody, I think. Speaking of the internet, I think I know why the brotherhood has been looking for Drew. I checked out implausible conspiracies dot com this morning about found out that werewolves have been hunting down and murdering influential vampire leaders. The Mother Sucker, LeStat, Deacon Frost, Keifer Sutherland, Count Chocula... ARTURO Why does should that bother any of us? It's not like Drew's influential or anything. LIAM He could be more influential than we think, professor. None of us really know what he's up to. THAD Crap. This means we've got to go save him, doesn't it. LIAM 'Fraid so. THAD Why does life mock me? Well, come on guys, let's go save that walking blood bag. DORIS We? Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? The professor and I are off to the Opera. Doris grabs the professor and drags him off. BIPPO The professor and Doris? You don't think that's the next budding relationship here, do you? LIAM God, I hope not. INT. DREW'S PLACE Drew is looks intently towards the camera. DREW I'm going to destroy you, do you understand? I'm going to obliterate you and your life will be nothing but brief moments of consciousness and unimaginable pain that will make you wish for the cold embrace of death. The camera pans around to reveal Drew playing Super Mario Brothers, fighting King Koopa. DREW You have terrorized the mushroom kingdom for the last time, Koopa! The doorbell rings. DREW Ah, my pizza is here... More importantly, so is the pizzaboy. Drew grins and heads for the door. DREW Who is it? There's whispering outside. DOOGAN (through door) Er... Telegram. DREW Telegram? I don't think so. Since when are telegrams delivered to tombs? More whispering and silent arguing outside. DOOGAN (through door) Publishers Clearing House. DREW Ha! Nice try! I've never even entered in your idiotic drawing, but just to be on the safe side, you can slide any oversized check you've got under the door. More whispering and silent arguing outside. DOOGAN (through door) Candygram. DREW What is this? Saturday Night Live? More whispering and silent arguing outside. DOOGAN (through door) Pack of werewolves. DREW Yeah right. Pull the other one. EXT. THE TOMB Doogan and several other of the Brotherhood are standing in front of the door, quite frustrated. DOOGAN A clever one, this is. A pizza boy appears. PIZZA BOY Do any of you know where I can find a... (reads order) "Drew Fangtastic"? Doogan grins. INT. THE TOMB Drew is still at the door listening. DREW Hello? Are you still out there? DOOGAN (through door) Pizza. DREW Well, it's about bloody time! Drew opens the door and Doogan and the Brotherhood rush inside and grab him. DREW What the...!? What's going on!? DOOGAN Be quiet, Fangtastic. DREW Where's my pizza? DOOGAN We ate it. DREW Oh... Where's the pizza boy? DOOGAN We ate him too. DREW Well, dammit. All right, who are you and what do you want? No, no, let me guess... You're vampire slayers or some such nonsense and you want my head for some kind of a trophy. (sniff sniff) Wait a minute... It's that burning hair and ass smell one usually associates with a... DOOGAN I believe the word you're looking for is "werewolf". DREW Actually, "dog tampon" is what I was going to say. So, Thad finally wise up and hire professionals to take me out? Bastard. DOOGAN This has nothing to do with Coffey, suckhead. We're here to spark the Vampire/Werewolf war. DREW That what? DOOGAN The prophesied final battle between werewolves and vampires that will decide who will rule the... Drew starts laughing. DOOGAN What's so funny? Will someone please explain the joke to me? DREW You idiot! The war's already happened! DOOGAN What? YOU LIE! DREW I don't! Why do you think that Transylvania is vampire country and werewolves aren't allowed in? It's because vampires fought off the werewolves back before I was even born! DOOGAN But it's prophesied in the werewolf bible! DREW Yeah, is was prophesied, but now that it's happened, it's part of what we educated people call history. Oops, I used words with more than three syllables in them. Did that confuse you? Doogan can't believe it. DOOGAN Impossible! I was told all my life that werewolves and vampires were supposed to kill each other! DREW Yeah, over a homeland thousands of miles away. Trust me, I've been there and it's nothing to crow about. It's dark, it's gray, it's smelly... DOOGAN No matter. So what if the war is over? I'm going to start it again and TAKE BACK WHAT IS OURS! DREW Overact much? Doogan begins to transform, as does the rest of the Brotherhood. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Hold him, boys. I want my pound of flesh. Suddenly, Liam, Bippo, Gary, and Thad break through the door. THAD STOP! Don't kill Drew! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Why not? THAD Uh... Thad looks at the others for a reason. They just shrug. LIAM It doesn't matter why or why not! You can't just kill someone just because it was written in a book by someone who's been dead for centuries. DREW The guy who wrote my book is still alive. I played canasta with him last Wednesday. LIAM (through teeth) You're not helping. GARY Wait! I've got an idea! Thad, the Werewolf Bible has a contingency plan we can use! THAD What are you doing reading the Werewolf Bible? GARY You left it on the coffee table in the lobby. Listen, tell Doogan that you're challenging his authority. THAD Okay... (shouts) DOOGAN! I'M CHALLENGING YOUR AUTHORITY! All the werewolves gasp. THAD (to Gary) What does that mean, anyway? GARY You've just challenged Doogan's place as Alpha Male of the werewolf pack. THAD Cool beans. (a beat) Now what? GARY Now you'll fight him to the death and the winner will take over the pack. THAD Oh, well that would make... WHAT!? WHAM! Doogan/Werewolf tackles Thad and the two tumble out the door. EXT. THE CEMETERY Thad flies out the door and lands several feet away. Doogan/Werewolf tears out of the tomb and stands over him. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF YOU FOOL! Challenge me, will you? I'm a better werewolf than you could ever be! Thad leaps to his feet transformed into the werewolf. THAD/WEREWOLF Don't make me hurt you. Doogan/Werewolf smacks Thad/Werewolf in the face with a tombstone. THAD/WEREWOLF (dazed) No, seriously, don't make me hurt you! Doogan attacks Thad again and the two of them tumble into the street. Frightened onlookers run and scream for cover. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF You'll never beat me, Thad. We may be evenly matched, we may both be able to move at the same speed, and hit just as hard... But unlike you I FIGHT DIRTY! Doogan kicks Thad in the balls. Thad grins and shrugs it of. THAD/WEREWOLF I know, that's why I wore a cup. Thad kicks Doogan in the balls. Doogan falls backwards into an open door. INT. AN OPERA HOUSE Arturo and Doris are sitting next to each other and both look bored as Keanu Reeves sings a solo. KEANU REEVES Figa-whoa! Figa-whoa! Figa-whoa! DORIS You know, If I'd known that this was an opera starring Keanu Reeves as The Barber of Seville, I would have passed. KEANU REEVES Yo, Figaro, dude! ARTURO He's just trying to expand his horizons. Suddenly, two fighting werewolves explode onto the stage. KEANU REEVES Whoa! Liam, Bippo, Gary, Drew, and the other members of the Brotherhood appear off stage as Doogan slams Thad's head to the floor three or four times. THAD/WEREWOLF OW! OW! OW! STOP IT! DOOGAN/WEREWOLF You're quiet the hard-headed oaf, aren't you? Doogan kicks him. Thad falls to the ground unconscious. LIAM THAD! Liam goes to help, but one of the Brotherhood holds him back. BROTHERHOOD MEMBER No. We must allow them to finish the fight. You will not be allowed to interfere. Doogan/Werewolf stands over Thad's body. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Ah, the fight is all but over... But first... (to Keanu) One question. Have you finished filming Matrix 3? KEANU REEVES Whoa, like totally shag man. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Good. Doogan devours him. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Consider that a favor to all humanity, you irritating unflavored hack. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. He holds up a prop spear. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF DIE THAD COFFEY! He stabs Thad. LIAM THAD! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Doogan holds up the spear which has shattered in several pieces. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Damn stage props. I guess I'll just have to do this the old fashioned way! He prepares to rip Thad's heart out when all of the sudden, a shadow overtakes him. He looks up just in time to see a large set wall falling down on him. The wall flattens him, but doesn't do any damage to Thad as he was lying where a window cut-out landed. Doris is standing where the wall stood. DORIS That'll teach you to ruin an already crappy night at the opera! Everyone is stunned. Thad wakes up and sees Doogan's clawed hands poking out from under the wall. THAD/WEREWOLF Bitchin! I win! BROTHERHOOD MEMBER Ladies and Gentlemen, we've got a new leader! Someone who will lead our pack into a new age! THAD/WEREWOLF Thank you, thank you, thank you! BROTHERHOOD MEMBER Let us pay tribute to our new leader! The Brotherhood go over to Doris and bow in respect. THAD/WEREWOLF WHAT! HER!? DORIS Huh? BROTHERHOOD MEMBER She is the one who defeated Doogan. She is our new master. Thad changes back. THAD But she's not even a werewolf! She's an old wrinkly old woman! I mean, look at her! Her body looks like Reagan's neck! DORIS Good one, Thad. BROTHERHOOD MEMBER Doesn't matter. She beat our leader... That makes her our new leader. DORIS But I've never been leader of a pack of evil werewolves before! Arturo walks over and whispers something in her ear. DORIS Oh, hey! Goog idea, fat boy. All right, brother-nuts. Listen up. From now on, there isn't going to be any of this covert ops, assassination, and manipulation of government crap you've all been doing. From now on, you're going to help build playgrounds for underprivileged kids and build housing for the homeless. You're going to recycle aluminum and paint over gang tags. You're going to help make this world a better place. One of the brotherhood raises his paw. DORIS Yes? BROTHERHOOD MEMBER And where does world domination come into all of this? DORIS It doesn't. BROTHERHOOD MEMBER Oh. DORIS Now, get to work! The Brotherhood shuffle out the door. BROTHERHOOD (mumbling) I guess we could start cleaning up the graffiti on 27th. You know, I've always wanted to build a playground. Can we donate to the Red Cross? Do you think they'd like that? INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, Thad, Drew, Bippo, Doris, and Arturo are talking. BIPPO You know, Doris, now that you're the boss of a bunch of man-eating monsters, you could conquer a small nation. DORIS Aw, who wants the hassle? The Brotherhood's made up of a bunch of good kids who just needed a push in the right direction and, believe me, they're a lot better off without that no good Doogan. THAD (pouts) I wanted to be the leader. LIAM So, what exactly are you going to do with them? DORIS I sent them out into the world to do some good... Maybe make up for all the mischief they've caused. LIAM Well, that is really awesome of you, Doris. But aren't you worried that Doogan's going to do something nasty to you? After all, he disappeared in all the commotion. DORIS I'm not worried, dear. I'll just sleep with a crucifix and hang garlic on the windows. DREW But that's how you keep vampires out. DORIS It is? Oh dear. Maybe he'll be leanient on me since I'm an old woman. EXT. A ROOFTOP Doogan/Werewolf is on the roof looking down into Liam's window. He bares his teeth and growls. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF I'LL KILL HER!!! Oh yeah, laugh while you can, you old bitty. When I'm done with you, you'll... A hand clamps down on his shoulder. Suddenly, we hear bones cracking and breaking. Doogan falls to the ground in pain as a figure stands over him. VOICE I just shattered every bone in your shoulder, Kessler. I know that they'll repair themselves in days, but I'll be back to shatter them again and again and again. You can't run from me and you can't hide from me. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF W-What do you want from me? VOICE I'm here to serve you warning. Doris Winchester, Thad Coffey, Bippo the Clown, and Liam Smith are under MY protection. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF Y-Yours? VOICE That's right, and if you come around here again, if you try to hurt them, if I even so much as sense your presence in this city again, the rest of your life will be spent in immeasurable pain. Understand? DOOGAN/WEREWOLF (silently) I... Understand. A hand clamps down on his other shoulder. We hear more bones shattering. VOICE I didn't quite hear that. DOOGAN/WEREWOLF I UNDERSTAND! I UNDERSTAND! VOICE Good. You have thirty minutes to get out of town. Use them. Doogan/Werewolf scurries away in great pain. The camera pans up to reveal that his attacker was ULTRAWOMAN. Music sting. FADE OUT: THE END