FictionPress.com - let the words flow| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.19 - "A Wuhrer Runs Through It"
Written by Jason Gaston
Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "Growing Pains")
Turn of that homework, friend.
Your term paper will still be in here in a minute.
Type up the address or click on your bookmark.
And let the fits of laughs begin!
As long as we've got too much free time...
We'll still be writing this really lame sit com!
At no time... does this song rhyme!
Boy this was easy. Writing this short cheesy song!
OLE!
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Starring
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
and
John Rhys-Davies
as
Professor Arturo
Also Starring
Neal Patrick Harris
as
"Gary the Fanboy"
Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"
Guest Starring
Kari Wuhrer
and
Jennifer Tilly
Unless otherwise noted, no celebrities endorse or support The Liam Smith Show. In response, The Liam Smith Show does not endorse or support any celebrity.
BLACK A caption comes up on the screen that says "GARY" FADE TO: INT: GARY'S APARTMENT Gary is pacing around the apartment adorned with Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Quantum Leap, and Dungeons & Dragons posters. The doorbell rings and, when Gary answers it, DONNER is standing there. GARY Ah, good! You're here. DONNER Yes, I am. Now, do you want to tell me WHY I'm here? GARY You know Kari Wuhrer? DONNER I know every inch of her, but who doesn't? GARY Well, she's back in town. DONNER Uh-huh. GARY Shooting some sort of movie. DONNER Oh, yes... Sex Trek: Big Erection. GARY How did you know? DONNER Er... I read Variety. GARY Whatever, look... I want your help to get her back. DONNER Get who back? GARY KARI! I want to make Kari my wife again? DONNER Oh, come on Gary. What did she ever do to you? GARY I love her. DONNER What? Why? I mean, she's so shallow and bitchy and... GARY She's a trophy wife, okay? DONNER And what are you? A participation ribbon? GARY Look, Donner... You get more women than anyone else in Las Vegas. What's your secret? DONNER A fat wallet and a good plastic surgeon. Face it, kid... You're screwed. GARY (begging) Please help me! DONNER No. GARY I'll pay. DONNER Five hundred dollars. GARY Five hundr...!? DONNER Cash. GARY All right... That will be a small price to pay to get my Kari back. You have a deal. Gary goes over to the video shelf and opens a Superman IV DVD case and fishes out five hundred dollars. DONNER You keep all that cash in a Superman IV DVD case? That's really moronic. GARY It's the safest spot! My apartment was cleaned out last year and it was the only thing left untouched. DONNER I retract my previous statement. All right... Donner's dating tips, volume one. Gary, chicks dig sincerity so always be sincere even when you don't really mean it. Gary writes that down. DONNER Secondly, chicks digs sentimental sappy stuff. My advise is to go to Kari's hotel room and serenade her. Can you sing? GARY Can I ever! I was a backup singer on C3PO's Christmas album! DONNER That's so lame I don't have the words for it, but okay! There is the sound of something being beaten against the wall. GARY What the hell is that? DONNER Nevermind that. Go to Kari's hotel and GET HER BACK, my friend! GARY I will! Thank you, Donner! DONNER Go get, em Tiger! Gary runs out the door. Donner takes out a cell phone and dials. DONNER (to phone) Kari, baby... It's Donnie. INT. THE HALLWAY Gary runs down the hall when LIAM staggers out of his apartment, blood running down the sides of his face, bruises on his head, and mussed hair. GARY Liam, what happened to you? LIAM Long story, professor. GARY I'm Gary. LIAM You two stop arguing with me! Liam falls to the floor. Gary looks at him for a second, but then walks off. EXT. THE MGM GRAND Gary has set himself up with a Ukulele and a sombrero and begins to sing. GARY (singing) Oh, Kari... Kari... Your eyes are like blue pools and your lips are like wine, your legs are smooth when shaven and that little moustache is much less noticeable. So Kari, oh Kari... Take me back and be my love monkey again! The light in Kari's room turns on and we see a figure walk out on the balcony. GARY I love you, baby! Please take me back! The figure leaps off the balcony and kicks Gary in the face. Gary looks up and sees... GARY JENNIFER TILLY!!! JENNIFER TILLY You little worm! You think you can get away with singing outside MY room!? Well, take THIS!!! Jennifer Tilly kicks him in the face several more times. JENNIFER TILLY (grabs him by the neck) TELL ME YOU LOVED BRIDE OF CHUCKY! GARY What? JENNIFER TILLY (smacks him) TELL ME YOU LOVED BRIDE OF CHUCKY! GARY I can't! Jennifer Tilly slaps him some more until he begins to cry. GARY ALL RIGHT!! ALL RIGHT!! I LOVED THAT CRAPPY TWO-BIT HORROR MOVIE! JENNIFER TILLY TELL ME I SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR FOR BULLETS OVER BROADWAY! GARY Well, I've never seen it, so how can I offer an objective opinion on... Jennifer Tilly smacks him again. GARY YOU SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR! Jennifer Tilly breaths in heavily and gets in his face. JENNIFER TILLY Do you find me... SEXY!? GARY Y-Yes! Jennifer Tilly smacks him again. JENNIFER TILLY NO STAMMERING! YOU DIDN'T ANSWER FAST ENOUGH! DO YOU FIND ME SEXY! GARY Yes! Yes! Jennifer Tilly smacks him again. JENNIFER TILLY YOU WILL SAY, YES JENNIFER TILLY MA'AM! GARY YES, JENNIFER TILLY MA'AM! Jennifer Tilly grabs Gary, throws him over her shoulder, and drags him into the hotel. FADE TO: INT: JENNIFER TILLY'S HOTEL ROOM - HOURS LATER Gary is quivering in one corner sucking his thumb. Jennifer Tilly wakes up and looks around the trashed room. JENNIFER TILLY Oh no... Not again! She sees Gary. JENNIFER TILLY Oh God... I really hit the bottom of the barrel this time! (to Gary) Are you all right? GARY YES JENNIFER TILLY, MA'AM!!! See gives Gary a fifty dollar bill and an autographed picture. JENNIFER TILLY Look, I think it's best if I just leave. Take this money and this picture and I'm sorry if there's been any permanent psychological scarring. Jennifer Tilly exits. GARY Ma ma. After a few seconds, LIAM, THAD, and ARTURO break down the door. ARTURO Oh my God, it's GARY! Is he alive? GARY Gah-Gah. THAD Just barely. I guess we should be lucky there's anything left of him. Funny, I've never heard of anyone surviving this kind of attack! Thad slaps Gary. THAD Gary, you okay? Gary comes around. THAD He's okay! LIAM Gary, are you all right? GARY I think so. Gary looks at the picture Jennifer Tilly left him. GARY In fact, I'm in love. ARTURO Thad, get him some water... Liam turn on the television set. Poor Gary's been through a lot and I'm sure a little relaxation will do him some good. Liam turns on the TV. TV We now return to Sex Toy Story starring Kari Wuhrer. Liam screams in terror like a little baby and leaps out the open window. ARTURO What the devil was that all about? THAD A long story, professor... and I guess you just had to be there. FADE OUT: BLACK A caption comes on the screen that says "LIAM". FADE IN: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is pacing the floor. Stacy looks on. LIAM I don't believe this! Kari Wuhrer was right here in this apartment! My apartment and Kari Wuhrer was in it! Stacy stands. STACY Liam, I think that... LIAM DON'T STAND THERE! Stacy jumps to the side. LIAM That's where... SHE stood! It must be starched and framed for posterity! STACY Liam, this Kari Wuhrer obsession of yours has resurfaced with a vengeance, hasn't it? Liam is starching the carpet. LIAM Don't worry little feet-prints, you're safe forever and ever and ever. Stacy hauls Liam to his feet. STACY Liam, snap out of it! She slaps him. LIAM Hey, you can't slap me like that! STACY I'm your older sister, Liam... And I can. It's a prerequisite for the job! She slaps him again. STACY Liam, this fixation you have on that two-bit Hollywood film slut can't be healthy! LIAM I guess you're right, but I can't stop thinking about her! She takes every waking moment of my time and... STACY Then give yourself something else to think about. Watch a little TV. LIAM All right. Liam turns on the TV. TV We now return to Sliders on the Sci Fi Channel... Liam changes the channel. TV And now, back to Swamp Thing II on HBO! Liam changes the channel. TV You're watching Sex and the Other Man on Cinemax! Liam changes the channel. TV You're watching Jigglevision. We now return to Kari Wuhrer in the stirring war drama, "Saving Ryan's Privates" Liam changes the channel. TV You're watching CNN. LIAM That's better. TV Kari Wuhrer is in Las Vegas today shooting her new movie, the sci-fi sex epic, SEX TREK: BIG ERECTION... The sequel, of course, to SEX TREK: THE NEXT PENETRATION and SEX TREK: THE UNDISCOVERED CLITORIS. Liam shuts the TV off. LIAM SHE'S IN MY HEAD! I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD!!! Liam runs over and begins ramming his head up against the wall, shaking the pictures hanging there. STACY Liam, what are you doing!? LIAM The pain is taking my mind off of Kari's firm breasts and supple buttocks! GAH! IT'S NOT WORKING!!! Liam continues to bang his head up against the wall. STACY Liam, this is getting too weird for me. Take my advise and go on a walk or something. I'm going home. Stacy leaves. Liam stops banging his head up against the wall and, a little dazed, he looks at the door. LIAM A walk... Yeah... I need to walk a dog! Triiiiiiumph! Liam staggers out the door. INT. THE HALLWAY Gary runs down the hall when LIAM staggers out of his apartment, blood running down the sides of his face, bruises on his head, and mussed hair. GARY Liam, what happened to you? LIAM Long story, professor. GARY I'm Gary. LIAM You two stop arguing with me! Liam falls to the floor. Gary looks at him for a second, but then walks off. Thad, Bippo, and the Professor wander by a few seconds later. ARTURO Well, this is indeed very distressing news and I feel I should help as it would kill a few hours. Ah, there's Liam in a heap on the floor. Thad helps Liam to his feet. THAD Liam, buddy, you okay? LIAM Yeah... I just had to get over a little... THAD Oh, that reminds me. Look what I found at the newsstand! I got it just for you! Thad shows Liam a copy of VOGUE with Kari Wuhrer's picture on the cover. Liam reacts in horror. LIAM GAH! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY! Thad throws it to the side. THAD I'd ask what was wrong, but we don't have the time and I don't really care. Liam, we have a situation. Bippo walks into frame wearing military fatigues. BIPPO The situation is this, soldier! We have unconfirmed reports that a were-creature is in the area! LIAM You mean a werewolf? BIPPO Worse... A were-slut. Music sting. LIAM A what? THAD A were-slut. Music sting. THAD One of the worse kinds of were creature, Liam. When the moon rises, this creature turns into a brutal, cruel, and unmerciful sex beast. Sort of like Chocolate Treat, but not as bad. BIPPO I plan on asking her out. ARTURO And if it's a him? BIPPO I'm flexible. LIAM How do you know this? THAD Intelligence. LIAM No really, how do you know this? THAD Weekly World News. LIAM Better. THAD We don't have a lot of time. She's staying at the MGM Grand and... LIAM So you DO know who it is? THAD Yes, have you ever heard of Academy Award Nominated actress, Jennifer Tilly who received her nomination for Woody Allen's Bullets Over Broadway? Everyone looks blank. THAD She was Chucky's girlfriend in Bride of Chucky. EVERYONE Oh, her! LIAM She's a were-slut? Music sting. THAD Yes, and unless we stop her, the next man she gets her hands on will be scarred for life! BIPPO Then what are we waiting for? EXT. THE MGM GRAND Liam, Arturo, Bippo, and Thad arrives at the front door. Liam notices several JIGGLEVISION trucks out front. LIAM What's Jigglevision doing here? BIPPO They're shooting that new movie, Sex Trek: Big Erection here. LIAM GAH! Is there no escaping that harlot!? They run inside. INT. THE FRONT DESK The gang approaches the clerk. THAD Hi, can you tell me which room Jennifer Tilly is staying in? CLERK Room #334. THAD Thanks, I... (a beat) Wait a minute, you just gave me the room number to a famous Hollywood celebrity! For all you know, we could be a bunch of serial murders or something and you just TOLD us how to find Jennifer Tilly! I don't think you're supposed to do that! CLERK I'm not supposed to do coke on the job, either. The clerk bends down behind the desk and we hear the sounds of snorting. LIAM Let's go. They run to the elevator. INT. THE HALLWAY Liam, Thad, Bippo, and Arturo wander the hallway looking for Jennifer Tilly's room. LIAM Room 332, 333... Ah, here we are... Room 334. Liam knocks on the door, when it opens we see KARI WUHRER! LIAM Gah! KARI WUHRER Oh! Liam Smith! W-What are you doing here? I must say, it's good to... LIAM SHE WON'T GO AWAY!!! GAH! Liam jumps and hides behind the professor. ARTURO Sorry, miss. We were told this was Jennifer Tilly's room. KARI WUHRER What? ARTURO Jennifer Tilly. Do you know where we can find her? KARI WUHRER Room 335 next door, you fat tub of crap! She slams the door in his face. BIPPO Frisky little minx, ain't she? They start towards Jennifer Tilly's door. We see Jennifer Tilly exit and start to run down the hall. THAD There she goes! ARTURO Blast! She's getting away! BIPPO Not on MY watch, she ain't! Bippo takes off after her. Arturo, Liam, and Thad watches him go. INT. JENNIFER TILLY'S HOTEL ROOM. Arturo, Liam, and Thad breaks down the door and discovers Gary quivering in the corner. ARTURO Oh my God, it's GARY! Is he alive? GARY Gah-Gah. THAD Just barely. I guess we should be lucky there's anything left of him. Funny, I've never heard of anyone surviving this kind of attack! Thad slaps Gary. THAD Gary, you okay? Gary comes around. THAD He's okay! LIAM Gary, are you all right? GARY I think so. Gary looks at the picture Jennifer Tilly left him. GARY In fact, I'm in love. ARTURO Thad, get him some water... Liam turn on the television set. Poor Gary's been through a lot and I'm sure a little relaxation will do him some good. Liam turns on the TV. TV We now return to Sex Toy Story starring Kari Wuhrer. Liam screams in terror like a little baby and leaps out the open window. ARTURO What the devil was that all about? THAD A long story, professor... and I guess you just had to be there. FADE OUT: BLACK A caption comes on the screen that says "KARI WUHRER". FADE IN: INT. A MOVIE STUDIO On a set made up to look like the bridge of a starship, KARI WUHRER and several other female actors are acting out their movie. KARI WUHRER Captain Hardbody, it looks like the Space Herpes have us this time! CAPTAIN HARDBODY No, Commander Nicelay, not while I'm captain! It looks like I'm going to have to command the rest of this mission with my shirt off! KARI WUHRER And I think I'll go take a shower! Kari Wuhrer's cel phone rings. DIRECTOR Cut! KARI WUHRER Sorry! Kari Wuhrer walks off the set and answers the phone. KARI WUHRER This is Kari Wuhrer. INT. GARY'S APARTMENT Donner is talking on the phone. DONNER Kari, baby... It's Donnie. INTERCUT KARI WUHRER Oh, hi Donnie. DONNER Kari, babe... As the main investor and biggest fan of the Sex Trek series, I feel it's my duty to tell you something I've just discovered. KARI WUHRER Oh no, you don't mean I've got to audition some more, do you? All the rug burns on my back just healed! DONNER No, not that. KARI WUHRER Not that? But the other way puts rug burns on my forehead! DONNER Kari, honey... Shut up for a second. You know that ex husband of yours? KARI WUHRER Gary the fairy? DONNER That's the one. Apparently, he's planning on serenading you tonight. KARI WUHRER Does THAT involve rug burns? DONNER It means he's going to sing to you outside your hotel room. KARI WUHRER Where did he get an idea like that? DONNER Some asshole, probably. Just thought you'd like the warning so you can warm up a bucket of hot molten iron or something. Kari Wuhrer hangs up. KARI WUHRER Damn it! The DIRECTOR walks over with JENNIFER TILLY. DIRECTOR Kari, look who's come to see you! It's Jennifer Tilly! Kari Wuhrer looks at her blankly. JENNIFER TILLY I was nominated for an Academy Award for Bullets Over Broadway. Kari Wuhrer looks at her blankly. JENNIFER TILLY I was Chucky's girlfriend in Bride of Chucky. KARI WUHRER OH! DIRECTOR I brought her over here because I wanted to get the two of you... Uh... acquainted. JENNIFER TILLY Hey! You told me it was because you wanted me to learn everything I could about her part because she was getting recasted! KARI WUHRER Recasted!? JENNIFER TILLY Yeah, something about your waning popularity and your being a total lunkhead and a ditz and your titties are starting to sag. That, and you couldn't learn your lines. I'm going to be the star of the next sequel, Sex Trek: The Search for Twat. DIRECTOR (through teeth) THANK you! KARI WUHRER I don't believe this! I'm being replaced on the movie series I started! DIRECTOR Kari, baby! Don't think of it as being replaced! Think of it as your character is being killed off and we're putting some other character played by a different actress in your part! KARI WUHRER GAH! INT. KARI WUHRER'S HOTEL ROOM Kari Wuhrer is reading her new script with Jennifer Tilly. KARI WUHRER (reading) I can't go on, anymore! The Orgasmitrons are killing me! JENNIFER TILLY (reading) I'll go back to the USS Sexerprise, Commander Goodlay! I'll carry out the mission! KARI WUHRER (reading) Thank you, Commander Bangsalot! Commander Goodlay dies. Fade out. JENNIFER TILLY You're not supposed to read the stage directions. KARI WUHRER Oh. (a beat) I don't believe it. I'm being cast aside from the adult movie business. Now I know how Shannon Tweed feels. JENNIFER TILLY How? KARI WUHRER Kind of sweaty and rubbery. JENNIFER TILLY Look, if it's any consolation to you, I've been marked by tragedy also. KARI WUHRER How so? She said feigning curiosity. JENNIFER TILLY It's too horrible... It's ruined my career. KARI WUHRER Hey, yeah! Why are you, an Academy Award looser suddenly making soft porn? JENNIFER TILLY I'm... A were-slut. Music sting. KARI WUHRER A what? JENNIFER TILLY A were-slut. Music sting. JENNIFER TILLY Everytime the moon is full, I turn into a vicious sexual predator. This affliction has cost me many high profile jobs and I've resorted to cheap sex flicks for money. And... Tonight, there's a full moon! She begins to cry. KARI WUHRER Really? Say, why don't you stay in MY room tonight? JENNIFER TILLY Why? KARI WUHRER Well... There's less a chance of you breaking out of THAT room. Less a chance of you hurting anyone. (silently) Except a certain someone who I can't stand. JENNIFER TILLY Really? KARI WUHRER Really. JENNIFER TILLY Wow, Kari! THANK YOU! Jennifer Tilly hugs her. KARI WUHRER No... Thank you. FADE TO: INT. KARI WUHRER'S HOTEL ROOM Kari is pacing back and forth in the room as Donner looks on. KARI WUHRER I can't believe this! I just can't believe it! DONNER Baby, it's not like I had anything to do with the decision to recast your part! Face it, Kari, you're past your prime! KARI WUHRER I can't be past my prime! My ass hasn't started sagging yet! My hair is still it's natural color! I don't have any wrinkles! DONNER Well, you do have the one... Kari Wuhrer stops and looks at him. KARI WUHRER What? DONNER The one little wrinkle over your left eyebrow. Kari runs to the mirror and looks. KARI WUHRER OH MY GOD!!! I'M OLD!!! Kari Wuhrer sinks to the ground weeping. DONNER Kari, sweetie, it's not so bad! Maybe you can give up the sex movie industry and actually make some movies that kids can go see! We start hearing Gary's singing filtering through the wall. KARI WUHRER You mean, like Spy Kids? DONNER Exactly! Spy Kids! You could do like Terri Hatcher and... Say, do you hear that singing? Kari Wuhrer listens. KARI WUHRER That? Oh, that's Gary. DONNER That's GARY? KARI WUHRER Yeah, although he hasn't been gifted with much above or below the waist, he's got a hell of a singing voice. DONNER You're telling me! Five more minutes of this and I'LL marry him! Gary stops singing. We hear the faint screams of Jennifer Tilly and Gary with several slapping noises. Kari Wuhrer smiles. KARI WUHRER Ah, Jennifer Tilly got him. DONNER Huh? KARI WUHRER She's a were-slut. Music sting. DONNER A what? KARI WUHRER A were-slut. Music sting. DONNER Oh, a were-slut. Music sting. KARI WUHRER I had to get rid of Gary some way or another and I thought that this was the best way. DONNER Poor Gary... Or... Poor Jennifer Tilly. I'm confused. This is like when I saw "Enemy at the Gates", that movie where the Nazis were fighting Communist Russia. I didn't know who to feel sorry for. KARI WUHRER Oh, Donnie... I'm beginning to feel like no one loves me anymore. DONNER Nonsense, plenty of people still love you! Inmates, those big bull lesbians, psychotic killers... KARI WUHRER You're not helping. DONNER I never said I was going to. KARI WUHRER In my entire life, there's only been one guy to ever look past my gorgeous exterior and to my soul. DONNER Oh, Kari... That's sweet of you to say about me. KARI WUHRER Not you! You're only interested in a night of guilt free sex! DONNER Guilt free is the best kind, isn't it? KARI WUHRER I was talking about that little guy... What's-his-face. DONNER Liam Smith? KARI WUHRER Yes, Liam Smith. DONNER The same Liam Smith you got a restraining order against? The same one that you said would be the last man on earth to ever sample your goods? KARI WUHRER Now that I think about it, he's sweet. DONNER WHAT IS IT WITH HOT BABES AND DORKS!? KARI WUHRER Look, contrary to what you think, gorgeous people do not just belong with gorgeous people and homely people don't just belong with homely people. DONNER What that an actual coherent thought? KARI WUHRER It depends on what coherent means. DONNER Kari, you're tired. You're angry about Jennifer Tilly, and you... Well, you're freaking me out. Why don't you get a good night's sleep and call me in the morning. Donner leaves. KARI WUHRER Jennifer Tilly this and Jennifer Tilly that! Bitch. FADE TO: INT. KARI WUHRER'S HOTEL ROOM Kari Wuhrer is in bed when there is a knock at the door. She gets up, pulling the covers off of her and revealing a half dozen room service guys in bed with her. She makes her way to the door and opens it revealing Liam Smith. LIAM Gah! KARI WUHRER Oh! Liam Smith! W-What are you doing here? I must say, it's good to... LIAM SHE WON'T GO AWAY!!! GAH! Liam jumps and hides behind the professor. ARTURO Sorry, miss. We were told this was Jennifer Tilly's room. KARI WUHRER What? ARTURO Jennifer Tilly. Do you know where we can find her? KARI WUHRER Room 335 next door, you fat tub of crap! She slams the door in his face. KARI WUHRER I don't believe it! Even my biggest fan has abandoned me for Jennifer Tilly! (a beat) Well, we'll just see about that! She stomps over to a closet and gets out a nasty looking shotgun. KARI WUHRER Hasta la Tilly, baby! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - LATER Gary is shoving ice cubes down his pants and Thad, Arturo, and Liam and sitting around when Donner barges in. LIAM Can't you knock? DONNER Can it, dwarf boy. I can't find Jennifer Tilly or Kari Wuhrer and since you were spotted at the MGM Grand last night, I'm assuming that you and your obsessed ass had something to do with it! ARTURO We were there, Mister Donner, but we had nothing to do with either's disappearance. THAD Come to think of it, we haven't seen Bippo since he took off after Jennifer Tilly! LIAM Uh-oh. DONNER You mean to tell me that psycho clown has gone and offed Jennifer Tilly? THIS IS TERRIBLE! I just helped write Sex Trek: Deep Space 69! Bippo and Jennifer Tilly enters. Jennifer Tilly plants a kiss on Bippo's forehead. LIAM What in the holy hopped-up hell is going on here!? JENNIFER TILLY Bippo is the best! He helped me break the curse of the were-slut and now I'm going to go back to making respectable movies like Bullets Over Broadway! BIPPO AND Bride of Chucky! DONNER Look, Jennifer baby, I'm glad you're okay... But HOW did you break the curse of the were-slut? BIPPO If I told you, I'd have to kill you... But then again, even if I didn't tell you, I'd probably kill you eventually, so what the hey! All Jennifer Tilly needed was someone to pass the curse onto. LIAM But who? BIPPO On, no one in particular... But don't bother scheduling anything for me during a full moon. I'll be at Miss Hanky's House of Panky. Suddenly, KARI WUHRER breaks down the door and takes aim at Jennifer Tilly. KARI WUHRER DIE, BITCH, DIE! DONNER Oh, Kari. Good to see you, honey. KARI WUHRER Stay out of this, Donnie! That bitch is trying to steal my biggest fan and I'm not going to let her get away with it! DONNER Kari, you're not being killed off in Sex Trek. Kari lowers her gun. KARI WUHRER What? DONNER We're keeping you on board. Jennifer Tilly is giving up adult movies. JENNIFER TILLY Besides, I could never be as good as you are, Kari! KARI WUHRER But... I thought my popularity was waning! LIAM Your popularity isn't waning, Kari! You're still the best actress in the world and I'm still your number one fan! KARI WUHRER Oh, Liam! Kari hugs him, but then pushes him away. KARI WUHRER GAH! Get off me, you little geek! It smells in here and I'm leaving! Kari Wuhrer storms out. ARTURO What a bitch! LIAM Yeah... Could I love her more? FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The apartment is dark and no one can be seen. The camera zooms in on the door and we see a photograph pushed under the door. It's a picture of Kari Wuhrer signed, "Thanks... Kari Wuhrer." INT. THE HALLWAY Kari Wuhrer stands, looks over her shoulder, and reassured that no one has seen her, quickly exits. FADE OUT: THE END