Frosty The Hitman

The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.21: "Frosty the Hitman"
Written by Jason Gaston

EXT. THE NORTH POLE There, out in the middle of the frozen wasteland atop the Earth, is Santa's workshop. A penguin waddles by and is immediately eaten by a Polar Bear... He is, in turn, eaten by a Killer Whale breaking through the ice. INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP SANTA CLAUS is walking along inspecting the toys that his elves are creating as the elves sing to themselves. ELVES (singing) Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane... SANTA Ho, ho, ho! Well done! These Nintendo Gamecubes will insure that there never will be another video game system shortage ever! Suddenly, a bomb crashes through the window and lands in the bin of Gamecubes. The HEAD ELF yells from a catwalk. HEAD ELF BOMB! BOMB! The elves begin to run. ELVES (singing frantically) There goes my bladder, there goes my bladder, running down my leg! HEAD ELF No, you IDIOTS! Don't run like cowards! SAVE THE GAMECUBES!!! The elves run back to the bins and, as soon as they get the hands on the Gamecubes, the bomb explodes. EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP A large portion of the workshop goes up in a great fireball. INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP Santa and the Head Elf come out of an emergency bunker. Elf parts are everywhere. HEAD ELF DAMN! SANTA My goodness! What a tragedy HEAD ELF Yeah, those slackers didn't save a single Gamecube! Well, Santa, it looks like a deranged no-good bastard is out to whack you, again. SANTA Indeed. Every few years a bad little boy or girl looses it and tries to take out Santa, but I wonder who it could be this time? INT. HELL SATAN is sitting on his throne when SCRAPPY DOO comes in. SATAN Is it done? SCRAPPY Uh, no... Santa lived. However, we did manage to SPLAT his workshop! SATAN You FOOL! Santa has workshops in Tokyo, Singapore, Bangkok, London, and Los Angeles! We can't destroy all of them before... (silently, points upwards) ...you-know-who... (normally) ...becomes involved! Santa might be annoying, bastardly, and fat, but is IS a saint and... (silently, points upwards) ...you-know-who... (normally) ...takes care of his saints. SCRAPPY Well, then, why don't we just hire the job done? SATAN Hire? By whom? SCRAPPY Oh, I have connections, Master. EXT. THE NORTH POLE - NIGHT A long black car drives by with bright headlight illuminating the frozen land. The car stops and the camera zeros in on the ground under the door. What looks like a giant snowball falls on the ground and begins to move across the snow and ice. The camera pulls back to reveal that we're looking at a living snowman. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN, to be exact, with his hench-snowmen, ICY THE SNOWMAN, BLIZZARD THE SNOWMAN, FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN, and female, HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN. In the darkness, there is suddenly a red and orange glow as a wall of hellfire appears. The snowmen step back a little from the heat as SATAN and SCRAPPY appear. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN You must be Satan. SATAN It was the hellfire, wasn't it? That's always a dead giveaway! FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Yous the one who wants us to whack Santa. Easily done, but I must ask yous why yous want the jolly fat man to sleep wit' da fishes? SATAN Every year, Santa delivers me a chunk of coal... HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN Well, yous ARE Satan. SATAN Two years ago, I tried to destroy him but was thwarted. In the years since then, he's stopped giving me coal. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Wells, dat would be a good 'ting, right? SATAN He just started defecating down my chimney. SNOWMEN Yeeeeech! SCRAPPY Sure, in Hell it's a little hard to notice things like that, what with all the poop that's already down there, but we were roasting chestnuts over the fire at the time... SATAN No, Scrappy, those were Timothy McVeigh's nuts. SCRAPPY So THAT'S why they weren't crunchy! SATAN (to snowmen) You know the price I've put on Santa's head and you know I can deliver it. Do not question me, or I will revoke it. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Hey, we's not that crazy, Mister Satan... We'll do whatcha's want. SATAN Good, now deliver the head of Kris Kringle to me before midnight of Christmas Eve or you will feel the heat... If you catch my drift. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN We's gotcha boss. Satan and Scrappy disappear in a wave of hellfire. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN What a dick. Satan and Scrappy reappear. SATAN WHAT!? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Nothing. Satan and Scrappy disappear. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN C'mon, boys... We's got us a fat boy to put on ice. MUSIC STING FADE OUT:

---

Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch")

You're a mean one. Mister Satan.
You really entruely suck.
You're heart is like a rock and your breath is like the pox,
Mister Satan.

If I was to choose three words to describe you, they would be, and I quote...
Stink, Stank, Stunk!

You're a bastard, Mister Satan.
You smell just like a dump.
You take happiness in miserery and poke sinners in the rump,
Mister Satan.

Merry Christmas, you old evil decrepid f*cker. I hope you get... a case of public liiiiiice!

OLE!

---

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Wit

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown

Alzo wit

Kris Kringle
as
"Santa Claus"

Vern Troyer
as
"The Head Elf"

and
Chris Tucker
as the voice of
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Alzo Alzo Wit

David Peckinpah
as
"Satan Claus"

Scrappy Doo

and
Robert DeNiro
as the voice of
"Frosty the Snowman

This script is closed captioned for the hearing impaired.

INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY ARTURO is hanging many different kinds of holiday decorations as Bippo, Thad, and Liam follow him. ARTURO Quite a difficult holiday, this Christmas has become. LIAM How so, professor? ARTURO Well, you three and myself celebrate the Christian holiday of Christmas while Gary, for example, celebrates Chanukah and the birth of Nichelle Nichols, Chocolate Treat celebrates Kwanza, and others prefer to celebrate the Winter Solace. BIPPO Bah! Kwanza! Chanukah! What have they got over good old Christmas? Gary walks by. GARY Well, for one thing, we get gifts every night for eight nights. Gary exits. BIPPO ...and what do I have to do to celebrate Chanuka? ARTURO You have to be Jewish. BIPPO I'm there! Mazeltov! (singing) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel! I made you out of clay! (a beat) Hey, you guys better get to the mall and get me my Chanukah presents! THAD Oh, come on! This Jewish thing your going through is just a phase! Like the time you became a Scientologist, but they kicked you out of when they realized you didn't have any money! BIPPO (chuckles) I still have Travolta's wallet. Nevertheless, you WILL buy me my Chanukah presents or you will suffer the wrath of the Jewish Gods! A beat. LIAM Bippo, there's only one Jewish God. BIPPO Really? Then buy me presents or you will suffer the wrath of my JEWISH CHAINSAW!!! CUT TO: INT. A MALL Arturo, Liam, and Thad are waiting in a checkout line with bags full of presents for Bippo. ARTURO I can't believe we've been terrorized into buying gifts for Bippo on a holiday he doesn't even celebrate! THAD Bippo and his damn phases. It's childish! LIAM This from the man who went through a bisexual phase? THAD COME ON! That was all of five minutes! ARTURO The next thing you know, Bippo will be demanding Kwanza presents! THAD I mean, who hasn't looked at Ricky Martin shake his bon bon and not been a little tempted? LIAM Professor, we've just got to put our foot down, professor. THAD That tight perky little bon bon. ARTURO Sure, Liam. We put down our foot and he lops it off with his pet chainsaw and shoves it up our asses. THAD Guys, can we find a newsstand? I need a Playboy stat! LIAM Don't worry. As soon as Bippo learns about circumcision, he'll drop it like a Streisand album. There is a tug on Liam's pants leg. Liam looks down and sees THE HEAD ELF. HEAD ELF Hey, bub. You're Liam Smith, right? LIAM That's right, little boy! And what do YOU want for Christmas? HEAD ELF I'm not a little boy, dipstick. I'm the head of Santacorp. LIAM Would you like a wolly-pop? HEAD ELF Would you like a sock in the jaw? The big guy sent me. Liam and Thad look at the professor. HEAD ELF The OTHER big guy. THAD Rush Limbaugh? LIAM Marlon Brando? ARTURO Johnathan Frakes? HEAD ELF SANTA CLAUS!!! LIAM Oh, hey! Yeah, how is Santa anyway? ARTURO Liam! What are you talking about? LIAM A couple of years back, I saved Santa from the ATF. HEAD ELF Yeah, and now it looks like someone looking to put Santa's nuts in a vice again. Santa's always been impressed by your innocence and naivety. ARTURO You mean what we in the real world call "stupidity"? HEAD ELF We don't have a lot of time. Santa and all of Christmas need your help. Will you save us again? LIAM I don't know. What in it for me? HEAD ELF A Nintendo Gamecube? THAD Make it three Gamecubes and a Playboy and we're in. ARTURO We? HEAD ELF Done. ARTURO But... HEAD ELF Come on! And bring that wolly-pop you promised! The elf drags them out into the parking lot. EXT. THE PARKING LOT Santa's sleigh and eight reindeer are blocking traffic. Several frustrated shoppers angrily blow their horns in anger as RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER gives them the finger. RUDOLPH (shouting) Oh, why don't you bite me where I don't lick? One word from me and you'll be getting a flaming bag of dog crap for Christmas! Me and S.C., we're like this! Rudolph crosses his hooves. LIAM Hey, Rudy. RUDOLPH Liam, son! How are you! Can you believe this sh(BLEEP!)t's going down on the pole again? LIAM It's whack, yo. They do a complicated handshake. ARTURO I'm in hell. EXT. THE NORTH POLE The sleigh flies towards Santa's workshop and lands on the roof. EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP'S ROOF Arturo angrily gets out of the sleigh. ARTURO Do you have any IDEA what the wind chill factor was in that blasted sleigh? My FACE is FROZEN! (a beat) What are we doing on the roof? RUDOLPH Sorry, it's a habit. Get back in and we'll land in the hangar. Arturo takes a step and then crashes through the roof. INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM Arturo falls through the ceiling and lands in the bed. ARTURO That wasn't so bad. Arturo rolls over and finds himself atop MRS. CLAUS. ARTURO GAH! I mean, hello. I'm sorry but I seem to have made a wring turn. Arturo tries to get up, but Mrs. Claus wraps her legs around him. ARTURO Madame, kindly let me go. MRS. CLAUS Or what, my English knight? ARTURO English what? Let go of me, you harlot! SANTA busts in with LIAM and THAD. SANTA Mrs. Claus! Let him go this instant! MRS. CLAUS Oh, poo. Mrs. Clause releases him. Arturo scurries away. SANTA Sorry about that, professor. I'm Santa Claus. ARTURO As my comrades would no doubt say, 'well, duh!' SANTA I'd like to thank you all for coming on such short notice. LIAM For you, Santa? It was nothing. Now, what's going on? SANTA It all began last night. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Santa is sleeping. He rolls over on one side and puts his arm over a lump in the sheets. SANTA (playfully) Oh, Mrs. Claus? Would you like a visit from my yule log? There is silence. Santa sit up. SANTA Mrs. Claus? Silence. Santa yanks the sheets away revealing a severed reindeer head. SANTA ARRRRRRRRRGH!!! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. SANTA'S BEDROOM As before. SANTA It was a message from the North Pole Snow-Mafia. THAD So you found Donner's severed head? Most days I would consider that a bonus. Liam whispers something in Thad's ear. THAD Oh. (a beat, disappointed) Dammit. ARTURO What is this Snow-Mafia you speak of? SANTA You ever hear of Frosty? LIAM The snowman? SANTA The hitman. LIAM Huh? SANTA Frosty the Hitman... The most reviled assassin North of the equator. LIAM You mean to tell me that the Frosty we've all been singing about since we were kids has been a cold blooded killer the entire time? SANTA His PR man wrote the song in the first place to soften his image. Frosty thought that the song sounded gay, so he softened the songwriter with forty rounds of ammunition. LIAM Yikes. THAD And this snow-mafia is after you? SANTA Someone's put a hit on old Santa. According to the hit, I'm supposed to be dead by midnight. THAD Bummer. LIAM Okay, I think have a plan. Bippo loves flamethrowers. Can I use your phone? SANTA I'll have the head elf bring it. Santa walks over and hits an intercom button. There is no answer. SANTA Bloody hell. Probably diddling Mrs. Claus again. Santa and the others exit. INT. THE HEAD ELF'S OFFICE The office is empty as Santa and the others enter. SANTA Where could he be? Thad walks over to the desk and picks up a dead fish. THAD What's this? SANTA My GOD! It's a message! LIAM Looks like a Salmon to me. SANTA It means that the Head Elf sleeps with the fishes. LIAM I hope he's wearing protection. Those fish don't know where he's been. THAD (holds up fish) Well, no point in wasting this. I'll go fire up the grill. Thad exits. SANTA This is terrible! What am I going to do? The Snow-Mafia won't rest until I've been killed! I don't know when they'll strike or where they'll strike from! Liam puts his hand on Santa's shoulder. LIAM There, there, there... SANTA I know you're trying to help. LIAM No, I mean... T-There-there-there they are! Santa and Arturo look up and see the Hypothermia, Icy, Blizzard, Frostbite, and Frosty the Snowman all with their weapons drawn. ARTURO GAH! FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Freeze, ya mugs or we'll ice ya! SANTA What do you want from me, Frosty? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN I'm just doing a job, old man. S'nothing personal. Liam busts out laughing. LIAM Oh, I get it! Freeze or we'll ice you! HA! That's pretty funny! ARTURO (ignoring Liam) Who put you up to this? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Let's just say that it was the OTHER man in the red suit. A beat. LIAM I'm going to need a little more of a hint than that. ARTURO He means Satan, you ignoramus! LIAM What? Satan hired you to kill Santa? I'm sure that's a surprise to... Snow-one! A beat. LIAM Get it? "Snow-one"? Get it? Huh? Huh? EVERYONE WE GET IT! SANTA What could Satan possibly offer you that I, Santa, couldn't? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Simple, fat boy. Satan promised to erupt Krakatoa and put so much ash into the atmosphere that winter wouldn't end for a year! ARTURO Like the year without summer in 1814? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Oh, I liked it very much! Almost as much as I'm going to like the second year without summer in 2002! Got any last words, fat boy? SANTA I regret I have only one life to give... Because if I had more, I wouldn't be dead in five minutes. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Sweet. Now, kindly die! Suddenly, Thad enters holding a smoking grill. THAD Fish is ready! OOPS! Thad trips sending the red hot coals over ICY THE SNOWMAN and BLIZZARD THE SNOWMAN melting them. BLIZZARD THE SNOWMAN ARRRRRRRRGH!!! ICY THE SNOWMAN GAAAAAAAAAAH!!! They die. THAD Did I do a bad thing? Oh, hey! Look at the snowmen! Who made them? Frosty, Hypothermia, and Frostbite begin shooting up the room as Liam, Thad, Arturo, and Santa run for it. Icicles from the snowmen's guns imbed themselves in the wall. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Move, yous mugs! I'm gonna enjoy putting these losers on ice! INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP The dark abandoned workshop is still showing signs of the explosion as the snowmen enter. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Hypothermia, yous cover the exits and Frostbite, yous make sure theys don't back track. They split up. INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP Frostbite the Snowman makes his way through the workshop among the scattered toys and stuff. Suddenly, Thad/Werewolf jumps from a catwalk and lands right in front of him. FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN What the hells yous supposed to be? THAD/WEREWOLF I'm a werewolf. FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN A werewolf? Ain't no such thing! THAD/WEREWOLF This from the walking pile of snow with a tommy gun? FROSTBITE THE SNOWMAN Don't matter if yous is a werewolf, buddy. Ain't nothing you can do to hurt me. I got the gun and yous got nothing! Thad/Werewolf kicks him in the groin. The snowman goes down moaning and coughing. THAD/WEREWOLF Huh. What do you know! Snowballs! Rimshot. INT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP Hypothermia the Snowwoman is stalking the workshop when suddenly, her gun is kicked out of her hand. It's Arturo. Hypothermia smirks. HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN You think I need a gun to kill you? I've got thousands of dangerous toys at my disposal! Hypothermia grabs a Barbie Doll and yanks off a leg, using it as a knife. She lunges at the professor burying the Barbie leg in a solid concrete wall. ARTURO SONUVA!!! Hypothermia then picks up several Furbies and throws them like throwing stars, each one embedding themselves in the wall behind Arturo who just barley manages to get away. Finally, Hypothermia uses a Slinky as a boa and tangles up Arturo's legs, cutting off his escape. HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN I'm a trained killer, pops. Yous didn't stand a chance! ARTURO That's what YOU think! Arturo has managed to grab an Easy Bake Oven. He breaks off the front cover turning the toy into a flame thrower. HYPOTHERMIA THE SNOWWOMAN ARRRRRRRRGH!!! Hypothermia melts into a puddle. ARTURO A pity. For a snowwoman, she was rather hot. A beat. ARTURO That was terrible! Why did I say that? Thad steps up next to him. THAD The one liners just pop up out of nowhere. Don't blame yourself. ARTURO I mean, making fun of the death of another being was... (a beat) Cold. THAD Good one. ARTURO Maybe I should have just told her to 'freeze'? THAD Perhaps. ARTURO Maybe, I... THAD Okay. Stop. ARTURO Where's Liam and Santa? THAD I don't know, but I'm sure they're all right. INT. THE HEAD ELF'S OFFICE Liam and Santa are tied to chairs with blindfolds on. Frosty is behind them about to execute them. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN I'd ask if yous have any last words, but then you'd probably say something that would probably save yous from death or some such garbage. LIAM You wouldn't shoot a man in the back, would you? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Naw, I guess I'd better shoot you in the stomach. It's much more painful. LIAM Me and my big mouth. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN I think I'll shoot the big fat guy first. Frosty prepares to fire when all of the sudden, in a wave of hellfire, SATAN and SCRAPPY appear. Frosty backs away from the flames. SATAN Ah, Frosty... I hope you don't mind if we come up and watch the... (he sees Liam) HOLY HELL, what are YOU doing here? LIAM (shrugs) Eh, you know me. SATAN (laughs) I've been wanting to see you destroyed even more than this wretched goody-two-shoes! Oh, what a merry Christmas I'm going to have this year. Two of my most hated enemies gunned down in front of my eyes. SANTA Satan! I should have known you were behind this! SATAN Yeah, yeah, yeah.. woulda, coulda, shoulda. Let's not live in the past, fat boy. Let's think of a future where children all over the world awaken to find maggots in their stockings and razor blades in their Christmas turkey! A world of exploding dreidels and poisoned Kwanza gifts! That's right, Santa... Tonight, Satan Claus makes this a Christmas to live in infamy. Scrappy begins applauding feverishly. SCRAPPY Bravo! Bravo! SATAN Stop being a yes man! SCRAPPY Yes sir. You're absolutely right, I was being a yes man. Frosty is against the wall. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Yo, devil boy! Yous mind turning down the heat a little? SATAN Of course. With a wave of his hand, Satan commands the hellfire away. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Good. I was beginning to understand wheres the term 'a snowball's chance in hell' came from. SATAN Enough of this! Kill them immediately. Scrappy jumps up on Liam's stomach and stares him in the face. SCRAPPY Any last words, chuckle nuts? FROSTY THE SNOWMAN I wouldn't do that is I was yous. SATAN SILENCE! FROSTY THE SNOWMAN I'm just saying... SATAN NOW! FROSTY THE SNOWMAN Fine. SATAN Scappy, honey, you were saying? SCRAPPY (to Liam) Any last words? LIAM A few, actually. Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you destroy this snowman tonight? SCRAPPY I don't get it. SANTA You will. Suddenly, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer crashes through a window. He faces Frosty the Snowman and a bright beam of energy leaps from his red nose and strikes Frosty. Frosty screams and runs to Satan who catches him before he can hit the ground. Frosty is melting like something in a gory horror movie. FROSTY THE SNOWMAN (dying) It's coy-tains, I tells ya! Coy tains! Frosty collapses in a puddle on the floor. SATAN Well, sh*t. RUDOLPH YEAH, BEE-OTCH!!! SCRAPPY To hell with Frosty! Let's just kill them ourselves! SATAN We... Can't. SCRAPPY WHAT? SANTA, LIAM, & RUDOLPH WHAT? SCRAPPY What do you MEAN we can't kill them? SATAN While on the Earth plane I am forbidden by... (whispers, points upwards) ...you know who... (normally) from directly attacking anyone. Sure... (whispers, points up) ...he... (normally) ...lets Me get away with general mischeif and torture every now and again, but to kill Liam Smith and Saint Nikolas would invite his wrath on me and that is something I cannot afford right now. Release them. Scrappy can't believe his ears. SCRAPPY But, I... SATAN RELEASE THEM! Scrappy jumps in fright, then unties Santa and Liam. LIAM I must say this is somewhat unexpected. SATAN Consider this a friendly overture, boy. Your reckoning is coming soon and even... (silently, pointing up) ...you-know-who... (normally) ...won't be able to protect you. Satan walks around Liam as if he's sizing him up. SATAN You fear me, don't you boy? Good. Santa steps in front of Liam, shielding him from Satan. SANTA You said what you came to say. Now get out of here! SATAN (to Liam) I'll see you soon. Satan and Scrappy disappear in a wave of hellfire. EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP Liam and Santa are walking outside the building. SANTA ...fortunatly, the elves at by backup workshops have been working overtime since the explosion. They've got enough toys for all the good little boys and girls all over the world. Christmas will once again be on schedule thanks to you and your friends. (he looks around) Speaking of your friends, where are they? Thad and Arturo walk around the corner, both eating something. LIAM There they are. ARTURO Ah, yes... So, I take it everything worked out well? (he offers them what he's eating) Salmon? THAD Freshly grilled. SANTA No thanks. I have a full night ahead of me delivering toys and things, after I drop you guys off. Santa walks over to the sleigh off in the distance. THAD This was fun! ARTURO I have to admit that my inner child was delighted to come to the North Pole and help Santa! LIAM Yeah, it feels good to do something right for once and not screw it up. KER-BLOOEY!!! Santa's Sleigh erupts in a fireball. ARTURO OH MY GOD!!! LIAM GAH! SANTA'S DEAD!!! THAD No, no, no! Guys! Maybe he's okay! WHAM! Santa falls in front of them bruised, broken, and bleeding, but still alive. THAD See? He's fine! They crouch down with Santa. LIAM Santa! What happened!? SANTA Must... Must have been something the Snow-Mafia set up before...! Ow! ARTURO Sit down, man! You're in no condition to move! SANTA But... Christmas! The children! THAD We've got to get you to a hospital, dude! SANTA No! First we have to find a replacement! LIAM For you? Where else are we going to find a jolly old fat man on the North Pole at THIS time of night? Silence. Thad and Liam look at the professor. ARTURO Oh, no... No, no, no, no, NO! INT. A HOUSE We see a Christmas tree and a fireplace. A man in a Santa suit crashes down into the fireplace. He gets up, dusts himself off and we see that he is the professor. ARTURO Bloody Christmas! There is a sound. Arturo whirls around and sees a little boy with a small puppy. LITTLE BOY Santa? ARTURO No... Uh, I mean. Yes. What do you want? Shouldn't you be in bed? LITTLE BOY Did you bring me a Nintendo Gamecube like I asked for? I've been REALLY good this year! ARTURO Er.. Sorry kid, but we couldn't make enough Gamecubes. LITTLE BOY Well, you FAT SON OF A BITCH! ARTURO What? LITTLE BOY I sold seeds, I helped the elderly, and I gave BLOOD for God's sake because I thought I was getting a Gamecube and now YOU tell me that I'm not getting one? (to puppy) SIC 'EM SNUFFLES!!! The puppy leaps at Arturo's face and attacks him. Arturo tries to pull the dog off of him but only ends up doing a Chris Farley routine, crashing into the tree and finally into the coffee table. EXT. THE ROOF Thad and Rudolph are listening to the professor scream. Thad's back is to the camera. THAD Does Santa have to put up with this kind of stuff all the time? RUDOLPH Oh, brotha! You would NOT believe. You should have been here during the great Tickle Me Elmo shortage of 1998! What are you doing back there anyway? THAD Just writing my name in the snow. Thad zips up and turns back to Rudolph. THAD Well, I'm glad that Santa's going to the hospital so he can do this next year. My foot's been asleep since Malaysia. RUDOLPH Yeah, he'll go to the hospital eventually. THAD What do you mean 'eventually'? RUDOLPH Well, he has a special delivery he wanted to make personally. INT. HELL Satan is sitting in his throne talking on a phone. SATAN Look, tell them I don't CARE if they were TOLD they were going to sit on the right side of Allah. (a pause) Well, they should have thought about that before they hijacked those planes. SOUND EFFECT PLOP! SATAN (on phone) Tell them that Sodomization is standard practice here and they're not getting special treatment. (a beat) Yes, I KNOW it's a lie. I'm not called the King of Lies for nothing, numbnuts! SOUND EFFECT PLOP! SATAN (on phone) Okay, after the sodomization, let's burn them alive again, but make it last, oh... I don't know... Four or five thousand years for them and then do it over again after dropping them in a tub of hydrogen peroxide. Then I want them crushed under 110 stories of rubble about 50 or 60 times a day. SOUND EFFECT PLOP! SATAN (on phone) Then I... (sniff sniff) What's that smell? EXT. A CAVERN Santa is sitting on top of a chimney with his pants down around his legs silently laughing to himself as Liam waits in a sleigh. 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' plays furiously in the background as we... FADE OUT: THE END