Donner's Big Boner

The Liam Smith Show
Episode 3.23 - "Donner's Big Boner"
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE DONNER is lying on a couch in the middle of a session while an attractive female psychiatrist, DOCTOR MONA L. WATUR. DOCTOR MONA Well, from what I've been reading in US News, it's been quite a week for you, Mister Donner. DONNER That's putting it lightly. DOCTOR MONA Do you want to talk about it? DONNER No, I just thought I'd let your hundred dollar an hour fee go to us chatting about the Nicks. DOCTOR MONA Aggressive. But that's understandable. DONNER It's because I was toilet trained too early, isn't it? DAMN YOU, MOTHER! DOCTOR MONA Actually, I'm not a Fruedian. I believe that our personal demons come from the inside. You've just been through an ordeal and I thought maybe you'd like to discuss your feelings. DONNER My feelings? Well, as you know, my company, DonCo, wasn't doing too well since Capeman up and left. There were bad investments, lousy deals, a four picture deal with Freddy Prince, jr. It seemed like a good idea at the time but let me tell you, the kid's like box office poison! Did you see Summer Catch? Yeeeeech! And to make matters worse, this Chinese spy stole a top secret helicopter I'd been developing for the government. DOCTOR MONA I see. DONNER But I woke up a couple of weeks after that and came up with an idea... Something that would make me a contender again and show Capehead than I didn't need him to succeed... RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES - DAYS EARLIER Donner enters the large factory which is producing copies of Kari Wuhrer's Sex Trek: Big Erection and various other questionable commodities such as children's toys named "Johnny Switchblade" and "Flammable Freddy" and "Uncle Grabby's Bag O' Glass". There is "Rooster of the Sea Tuna: Now with 5 percent less Dolphin!" and "Pink Bunny's Scissors for Toddlers". Donner walks up to a man in a white coat and we see that it's DOCTOR FRANK N. STIEN from "The Big Ones: Part Two". DONNER Doctor Stien! What's going on in my little corporate empire today? Whatcha got for me? DOCTOR STIEN Well, Mister Donner, sir... I've almost gotten project "F*ck Capeman" up to specs. DONNER Indeedy? DOCTOR STIEN Yes, the only problem is, it's got an eighty percent mortality rate. DONNER Is that good or bad? DOCTOR STIEN It depends on how you feel about your body getting turned inside out and cooked like an overdone potato. DONNER So, we'll let's chalk that up to the "bad" category, shall we? DOCTOR STIEN Yes sir, I'll bring that mortality rate down through months of rigorous research and testing and... DONNER Aw, forget Operation: F*ck Capeman, Frankie... I've got a better idea cooked up in my cranium. What do you know about male impotence? Doctor Stien slumps. DOCTOR STIEN Just that it is a dark, dark blot on the tapestry of your life and makes you worthless as a man. It takes you and wrings all of the pride out of you, making you a bland unfeeling wretched creature that longs for... DONNER (impatient) Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, Frankie... What would you say if I've... Ahem... "Acquired" the formula for an ancient South American herbal impotence cure that has a 99.9999 percent success rate. DOCTOR STIEN It would be a long-needed silver lining to the dark cloud of my... I mean, a man's life. It would be salvation, a life-altering medicine... Or at least I think it would for impotent men. DONNER Well, I've got it. Sure, I had to lay off cutting down that little stretch of rainforest in the Amazon, but the rewards from this little formula will be well worth it. Donner holds up a vile of green glowing fluid. DOCTOR STIEN What is it? DONNER The natives called it Uwannahumpylottatyme... I Never caught what the translation is, but this stuff is the most amazing impotence remedy in the world. Made from the bark of the Tallest PeiPei Wood Tree, the skin secrection of the staff frog, and the fungus that grows on the stem of the purple-headed toadstool... This concoction could firm up a ninety year old. DOCTOR STIEN Is it safe? DONNER Of course it's safe. It's all natural. I say we put it in gel caps and sell it to the impotent clods of the world. People won't even remember what the hell Viagra is when I'm done spicing up their bedroom life! DOCTOR STIEN What are we going to call it? DONNER Hmmm... Good question. It has to be medical sounding... Something professional... (he thinks) How about "Doctor Donner's Amazing Pecker Potion"? DOCTOR STIEN Needs work. DONNER Well, don't worry about it, Frankie... I'm sure we'll come up with something before this pill hits stores. (a beat) Next week. DOCTOR STIEN WHAT!? EXT. A DRUG STORE A cardboard cut-out of Donner giving a thumbs up and holding a bottle of pills is put in the window along with a sign that says: "NOW IN STOCK! DONCO'S AMAZING IMPOTENCE CURE, STIFFIEDIX!" The camera pulls back to reveal Senestra Malevolous. SENESTRA Well, at least this'll make people forget about P.E.N.I.S. for a while. FADE OUT: -------------------- THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of "My Ding-a-ling") There once was this guy, who was very rich. No one liked him, he was a son of a bitch. He had lots of dough, he had lots of fame, the only thing missing, was a little bit of brain! It's a DONNER EPISODE! A DONNER EPISODE! It's about damn time for a DONNER EPISODE! A DONNER EPISODE! A DONNER EPISODE! I hope you enjoy this DONNER EPISODE! Olé! --------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Also Starring

Jason Gaston
as
"Donner"

and
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Guest Starring

Famke Janssen
as
"Doctor Mona Watur"

Kenneth Braggah
as
"Doctor Frank N. Stein"

and
Bo Derek
as
"Melody"

Today's episode brought to you by a dirty mind and a day's exposure to paint fumes

INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY ARTURO enters concealing something under his arm. He runs and hides behind a chair, then runs for cover under his desk. Next, he rolls out and jumps behind a large potted plant. BIPPO is standing there. BIPPO Hi, professor! ARTURO GAH! What are you doing back here? BIPPO Hey, when nature calls, you can't put it on hold. I've tried. ARTURO I'll overlook this gross misuse of the restroom facilities if you promise to tell no one that I was ever here. BIPPO You got it, professor. Arturo sneaks off. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Thad and Liam are playing a board game. LIAM You know, I would have expected the home version of Survivor to be a bit more exciting. THAD I guess that's why they call it a "bored game". All right, let's try it again and see who the tribe voted to win the game. Liam takes a couple of slips of paper out of a jar. LIAM That's one vote for you... And one vote for me. It's a tie again. THAD DAMMIT! We've been playing this stupid game for three hours! I feel like we're doing nothing but wasting time! LIAM Re-vote? THAD Re-vote. (a beat) I'm gonna beat you this time. Bippo enters. BIPPO Guys, guess where the professor wasn't today? THAD Say what? BIPPO The professor wasn't somewhere today. Where do you think he was, or should I say, wasn't? LIAM You're not making any sense. BIPPO Well, let's just say that if the professor happened to be sneaking around somewhere today... Which he wasn't, because he wasn't there, don't you think that would be a bit of juicy gossip? LIAM Was the professor sneaking around? BIPPO You said it, not me... But since you asked... Yes. THAD You don't think he's doing another one of those experiments like he did when he brought that evil Anti You from another dimension, do you? LIAM Who cares about that!? I'm just afraid that he's going to knock out the power again, and with Kari Wuhuer's movie, "Forrest Hump" coming on tonight, that's a chance I'm not going to take! Liam stands. LIAM Come, Thad! Let's go stop that mad man! THAD But the game! LIAM Of course, the re-vote... Liam takes the votes out of the jar. LIAM One vote for Bippo and another vote for Bippo... Bippo wins. But, how? BIPPO Let's just say that you're more likely to find the missing Florida ballots than figure that out, now come on! Thad and Liam slump and then shuffle out the door. INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT Arturo silently enters through the door and looks around, still hiding something under his arm. He tip-toes to his bedroom door when TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG enters. TRIUMPH How's it hanging, professor? ARTURO WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY...!? Er, I mean, it's fine Triumph. TRIUMPH A little jumpy, eh? Did you have a hard day? ARTURO I DON'T... ER, I mean no. It was a fine day. TRIUMPH Watcha got there, fat boy? ARTURO Stifiedix. (a beat) I mean... That is I... Oh, hell. TRIUMPH You're taking Stifiedix? The greatest wang pill ever invented? For me to poop on? Whatever for? Does a chili cheese dog not cause the same burning in your loins? ARTURO It's not that, you dastardly dog! I've... Met someone. TRIUMPH YOU! ARTURO Oh, her name is Melody and her name is the song that angels sing. Her lips as red as the red red rose, her skin as white as snow, her hair as black as ebony and her whoo whoos are the kind you just want to stick your face in and go buluh buluh-buluh! (a beat) Jesus, I've been hanging around with the guys too long. TRIUMPH Ah, and you're taking Stifiedix because your... Ahem... Diploma isn't as straight as it used to be. ARTURO Don't you tell a soul, understand? TRIUMPH Oh, you can count on me, professor, but what about them? Triumph points with his paw. Arturo turns around and sees Liam, Thad, and Bippo sitting on his couch listening. ARTURO GAH! How the HELL do you people DO that? LIAM (smirks) Simple. I'm really Capeman. BIPPO So, the professor's in love? (sings) The professor and Melody sitting in a tree... F-U-C... THAD I especially liked the part about the whoo-whoos. ARTURO I'm so humiliated. LIAM Oh, come on professor. This isn't nearly as humiliating as the time your nut got twisted. THAD You're really going to take something that came out of Donner's factory? Doesn't that seem like a little... Suicidal? ARTURO Normally, I would agree... But Stiffiedix is different. It's all natural. Sure, Donner being the bottom feeding profit monger he is, put 60 percent sawdust filler in the pills, but I could use the fiber as well. Arturo takes out a Stiffiedix pill and holds it up. It's about the size of a peach pit. TRIUMPH That's a big pill! ARTURO Certainly it is, but my dear sweet Melody is worth it. Arturo puts the pill in his mouth and swallows. ARTURO Wonderful! Now, if you'll excuse me... My dear Melody awaits! Arturo goes out the door. LIAM I'll see what's in the fridge. TRIUMPH I'll invite the bitches. THAD I'll make some long distance calls. BIPPO I'll go try on his clothes. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE Donner is lying on the couch as Doctor Mona looks on. DOCTOR MONA Uh... What does this have to do with anything? We're here to talk about you, not people you happen to know. DONNER Yes, I know and believe me, myself is my favorite subject. All of our paths were about to cross as they almost always unfortunately do. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES Donner is sitting in his office looking at stock reports on his computer as Doctor Stien looks on. DONNER DonCo stock is up 500 percent, a lot like the manhoods of several million men across this great nation thanks to you, Doctor Stein. DOCTOR STIEN It was nothing, I assure you. Now, about Project F*ck Capeman. DONNER I told you, don't worry about Project F*ck Capeman. Stiffiedix has made me a multibillionare again! No more getting snubbed by the billionaire at the yacht club just because I slipped to 999 million, oh no... Now, they will rue the day. Total rueage. DOCTOR STIEN But I really think that Project F*ck Capeman is worth pursuing. DONNER Jeeze, what do I have to do? Staple a piece of paper with the word "NO" on your forehead? There is a knock at the door. DONNER Yo? Officers TOOTY and SUNDAY enter. Sunday's head is angled at an obviously uncomfortable angle. DONNER Guys, the dougnut shop is two blocks down. TOOTY We're aware of that. SUNDAY But the eclairs across town are better. TOOTY We're here to question you about a series of neck injuries across town. SUNDAY A lot like mine. TOOTY Currently being experienced by millions of people across the United States. DONNER What does this have to do with me? TOOTY All of the victims has one thing in common. They were all impotent. Everyone looks at Sunday. SUNDAY It's true. I'm as soft as a jar of cold bacon fat. TOOTY They were also taking your drug, Stiffiedix. DOCTOR STIEN You think that there's a link between neck injures and my... I mean, our impotence drug? TOOTY We can't prove it. SUNDAY The ingredients are all natural. TOOTY The sap of the Mourning Wood. SUNDAY The blood of an Anaconda. TOOTY And so on... SUNDAY ...and so forth. TOOTY We'll find the connection. SUNDAY We assure you. TOOTY Now, if you'll excuse us. SUNDAY I have an appointment with a chiropractor. They exit. Donner and Doctor Stien look at each other. DOCTOR STIEN Maybe we should issue a recall? DONNER Tuh! As if! Come on, Frankie... one or two or a thousand crooked necks do not a recall call for. DOCTOR STIEN Isn't that a tad disingenuous? DONNER I see you haven't met my lawyer. A man in a suit enters. MAN Hi. I'm Tad Disingenuous: Attorney at Law. DONNER He's good. INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE As before, Donner is lying down on the couch as Doctor Mona jots down notes. DOCTOR MONA And what did you do when you found out what they suspected about Stiffiedix? DONNER Well, I was about to burn down the factory, stash all my assets into a Swiss bank account, and change my name, but something about the fact that I invented something that hurt people bothered me in a way I've never been bothered before. DOCTOR MONA You were guilty, it's perfectly normal. Donner sits up and looks at her. DONNER Have we just met? DOCTOR MONA What did you do next? Donner lies back down. DONNER I went to go seek the council of the smartest person I knew. DOCTOR MONA A mentor? DONNER No. He's more like a guy I learn stuff from. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT Donner enters through a broken door. The house is a huge mess as beer bottles are thrown all over the place and clothing hangs on all the furniture and fixtures. DONNER Hello? Professor Arturo? Arturo enters from the back wearing a robe. ARTURO Ah, Mister Donner, such a pleasure to see you! DONNER Huh? ARTURO To what do I owe the pleasure? DONNER Who are you and what have you done with Professor Arturo? ARTURO Oh, what are you on about Don-Don? It's a beautiful morning, the sky is clear, the sun is shining, and the future is filled with promise. DONNER What the hell is wrong with you? You're usually all gruff and mean and "what the hell are you doing here, you miscreant" when you see me. Now you're all, like, happy and prancy and it looks like you've let off a lot of steam and... An older, but beautiful woman comes out of Arturo's bedroom. This is, of course, MELODY. Donner looks at her then at the professor and grins. DONNER Professor! You dog, you! MELODY I have to go now, Maxy-Poo, but I... Oh, who's your friend? ARTURO Melody, this is Donner. MELODY Oh, the rich jackass you're always talking about. ARTURO That's the guy. MELODY (to Donner) Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. Max, I'll see you tonight. Melody exits. DONNER Dizzam, professor I never knew you were a player! A Jukebox, maybe, but not a player. ARTURO What do you want? DONNER Okay, I need some advise. ARTURO Shoot. DONNER You know that drug, Stiffiedix? ARTURO (a beat) I'm aware of it. DONNER Well, it's made by my company and I just learned that there's some strange... Let's just call them side-effects involved. ARTURO (goes white) Side effects? Nothing harmful, I hope. DONNER Oh, no... It's just some muscle spasms in the neck. Still, people are getting hurt over something I made and I don't want that... Or, more importantly, the lawsuits. Arturo walks over and grabs Donner's shoulders. ARTURO Listen to me very carefully, rich boy. Under no circumstances do you take Stiffiedix off the market, do you understand? DONNER Uh, okay... But what about the people with the neck pain? ARTURO F*CK THE PEOPLE WITH THE NECK PAIN! DONNER Whoa! Melody re-enters. MELODY I forgot my purse. Arturo turns his head quickly. ARTURO What? (CRUNCH!) GAH! Arturo grabs his neck in pain. MELODY Maxy? ARTURO OH MY GOD! IT HURTS! DONNER What hurts? ARTURO My neck, I've done something to my neck! DONNER Wait a minute... Pretty girl, relaxed professor, hurt neck... This is all starting to come together. Liam, Thad, and Bippo enter. LIAM What's all that racket? DONNER The professor hurt his neck. Arturo gets up. His neck is now stuck at a weird angle. ARTURO Sweet Jesus, boy! What have you done to me!? DONNER I didn't force that pill down your throat, fat boy! Besides, all the ingredients are natural and safe! Test them yourself if you want! MELODY I think I'll do just that! DONNER Fine, you can use the labs at DonCo, but I'm telling you... It's not the pills that are doing this! MELODY Let's go, Maxy! BIPPO All right, Road trip! INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES Donner, Melody, Arturo, and Liam enters the empty factory. DONNER I've got a bad feeling about this. LIAM Your drug? DONNER No, letting Thad and Bippo park my Lexus. LIAM Well, it did save us having to walk across the parking lot. They go to a table where several ingredients are in different beakers. DONNER Here's where we mix the all natural ingredients for Stiffiedix. Check them yourself if you want but you'll find that it's all copacetic. Professor, I'll explain everything to your friend and you can take notes. ARTURO What do I look like, you secretary? DONNER The only thing you have in common with MY secretary is enormous breasts. Arturo is about to respond when Thad and Bippo enter. DONNER Tell me you two didn't destroy my car. THAD Not in the least. We even topped off the gas tank, sent it through a car wash, and had the it waxed. All as an apology for blowing up and mangling all your other cars. DONNER (shocked) W-Well, thank you. BIPPO I even put the top down to air her out. Yep, she's a beaut. Bippo tosses him the keys as he and Thad walk off to another part of the factory. DONNER (to Liam) I'll be damned. I guess they're not as brain-dead as I thought they were. LIAM They're nice guys, Donner. You just have to get used to them. DONNER I guess so. (a beat) Wait a minute... Put my top down? I don't HAVE a convertible! Donner runs to the window. DONNER (looks out window) Son of a BITCH! Arturo and Melody have been going over the data from the ingredients. ARTURO Well, as amazing as it sounds, Mister Donner was telling the truth. There's nothing in here that would cause a neck spasm. MELODY Then what's causing it? ARTURO I don't have the foggiest, but it MUST be related to Stiffiedix! Liam is listening when he knocks over a bottle of Stiffiedix spilling the contents over the desk. DONNER Liam, you klutz! LIAM Sorry. Melody picks up a pill. MELODY Is THIS a Stiffiedix pill? DONNER Yep, that's the 30 dollar a pill miracle right there. Liam just spilled about 2 grand worth of boner medicine there. Expect the bill soon. MELODY It's a little big, isn't it? DONNER Like you wouldn't believe... Oh, you mean the pill? Well, this is America, sweetheart, and bigger is better. That's why I put the pill on the market in the first place! MELODY Max, did you have trouble swallowing this pill? ARTURO A little. MELODY Well, that's the problem. LIAM What's the problem? MELODY This pill is very hard to swallow, it gets stuck in the esophagus and, therefore, since it is a male impotence cure, it results in a stiff neck. A long pause. LIAM A stiff neck? MELODY A stiff neck. LIAM Well, that would explain things. There is an explosion from the next room. DONNER What the HELL!? Everyone runs to the source of the explosion. INT. DONCO INDUSTRIES - ANOTHER ROOM There is a bright light coming from an open doorway as Liam, Donner, Melody, and the professor round the corner. Thad and Bippo fly out of the room and land against the other side of the wall. Thad and Bippo run for it and join the others who have flattened themselves up against the wall. DONNER What the HELL did you two do!? THAD It wasn't us! It was this creepy doctor guy! BIPPO Yeah, he fired up this machine and all hell broke loose. I'm not sure, but I think he's nucking frazy! DONNER Blast! Doctor Stien! He's trying to use Operation F*ck Capeman for himself! ARTURO Operation F*ck Capeman? DONNER A contingency plan, professor. Since I didn't have a superhero to manage anymore, I was going to see if I could create one... You know, like that big green idiot who got caught in the gamma rays or that really fast guy in the red pajamas who got all those chemicals spilled on him! I told Doctor Stien to kill this project because it had a good chance to kill whoever it was used on! LIAM Did you say Doctor Stien? DONNER Yeah, so? LIAM Doctor Frank N. Stien? DONNER Oh, you know him? LIAM Yeah, he works for Senestra Malevolous. EVERYONE WHAT!? INT. OPERATION F*CK CAPEMAN CONTROL A large canon-like devise is in the middle of the room and a large shaft of light is being beamed to a platform. Doctor Stien is standing nearby and so is SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS and her minions, ROCK and TANK!!! SENESTRA I must say, Frankie, you've outdone yourself this time. You're saying that this devise can give someone superpowers? DOCTOR STIEN Indeed, my dear. Any idiot who gets in that beam of light will be more powerful than even that spandexed fool, Capeman! Shall we send one of your morons through as a test, Senestra? SENESTRA No, good morons... Especially the huge ones, are hard to find. (to Rock and Tank) Boys, throw the good doctor in. They grab Doctor Stien and drag him to the beam. DOCTOR STIEN NO! WE HAD A DEAL! SENESTRA Yes. Ten million dollars if your machine works. IF your machine works. If it doesn't, well... C'est la vie. DOCTOR STIEN I DON'T SPEAK FREEEEEEEENCH! Rock and Tank throw him into the beam. EXT. OPERATION F*CK CAPEMAN CONTROL Liam and the others are still up against the wall. THAD What do we do? DONNER Well, first I plan to pee myself and then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan. LIAM Guys, let's just go in there and do what we usually do. BIPPO Go in swinging with no plan and hope that everything works out in the end? LIAM That's the one! I'm sure everything will be all... Uh, professor, your finger is sticking into my back. BIPPO (looks) Uh, Liam... That's not his finger. ARTURO Not only is Stiffiedix all natural, but it's long lasting. Everyone pauses. EVERYONE EWWWWW!!! INT. OPERATION F*CK CAPEMAN CONTROL Senestra is looking in the beam. SENESTRA Is he dead? I can't tell? ROCK Dur... I dunno. TANK D'ah, yeah... It's all bright and stuff! SENESTRA All right, but if he's not out of there in five minutes, I'm leaving. I want to go see The Lord of the Rings tonight and it'd BETTER live up to the hype or I will personally kick that little man-boy, Elijah Wood's ass. TANK Actually, you can't really blame one actor if a motion picture doesn't live up to the hype that an expectant audience puts on it. Why, just look at what happened with... Senestra throws a shoe at him. It bonks him on the head. TANK G'ur... Sorry. Liam and the others enter. LIAM Not so fast, Miss Malevolous ma'am! We're here to stop you. SENESTRA Tuh! Stop me from what? This superhero making machine is a dud! I'm going home. Come idiots. Rock and Tank follow Senestra out. Thad almost follows them out before Liam grabs him. LIAM (whispers) Not you. THAD Oh. DONNER Well, this is just great. Stiffiedix is causing muscle spasms, my lab was just invaded by an evil villainess, and the professor has a raging hard on. What the hell ELSE could go wrong? DOCTOR STIEN Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! DONNER Professor, please tell me that was you. ARTURO I'm afraid not. LIAM Oh, monkey bits! Doctor Stien explodes out of the beam of light. He's twice as big as he was and is literally exploding with power. He also looks about as crazy as a outhouse rooster. BIPPO What's an outhouse rooster? DONNER Oh hell! It looks like the Gammatron worked. LIAM You mean to tell me that guy's as powerful as Capeman? DONNER More powerful, actually. We didn't call it Operation F*ck Capeman for nothing. DOCTOR STIEN THE POWER! THE RAW UNSURGING POWER! BOW TO ME, MORTALS! FEEL MY WRATH! LIAM GAH! Only a miracle can save all of us now! BLAM! A power beam comes out of Doctor Stien's eyes and blasts Melody. She falls to the floor with a gaping hole in her stomach. LIAM (a beat) Uh... Only a miracle can save most of us now! MELODY Okay, NOW I'm pissed. THAD What the hell? Melody gets up and is now a demon like creature with leathery wings and sharp teeth. She leaps into the air and begins beating the crap out of Doctor Stien. BIPPO Why, professor, you were dating a Succubus! DONNER Way to go professor! Wait, are we thinking about the same kind of Succubus? ARTURO A succubus is a demon who takes on the appearance of a beautiful female to suck the souls out of their prey. (a beat) I guess that WOULD explain the straw sticking out of my ear this morning. Melody the succubus is battling Doctor Stien. The Doctor grabs her and throws her against the wall. Melody falls to the ground. Arturo runs to her. ARTURO You're a succubus? MELODY Didn't I mention it? ARTURO No. MELODY Not once? ARTURO Never! MELODY Oh, sorry. She coughs up a cup full of blood. MELODY I'm dying Maxy-poo. She coughs with a sickening gurgling sound. MELODY Kiss me! ARTURO Uh... No. Melody dies. Doctor Stien laughs. DOCTOR STIEN Now you will all fall to my fury! Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! Doctor Stien's arm falls off. DOCTOR STIEN What the...? No matter! It can be easily fixed! His other arm falls off. DOCTOR STIEN Uh... Nothing serious! DONNER You've got no arms, you silly bastard! DOCTOR STIEN Yes I do! Both of Doctor Stien's legs fall off leaving a torso on the ground. DOCTOR STIEN This is just a temporary setback! LIAM Yeah, like the Black Plague. ARTURO It looks like exposure to the Gammatron IS fatal. DONNER That's putting it lightly. Doctor Stien begins to melt in a puddle of blood, gore, goo, and other nasty stuff. DOCTOR STIEN Gah! Curse you all! I'm melting, melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! He completely melts. Donner runs up to the puddle. DONNER You're fired, buddy! A little bubble comes up in the puddle and pops with a farting noise. Donner screams and runs away. EXT. DONCO INDUSTRIES Donner, Liam, Arturo, Bippo, and Thad exit. The sun is rising in the background and police cars are arriving. LIAM I'm sorry about your girlfriend, professor. ARTURO It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. BIPPO And I bet the sex was a bonus. ARTURO You'd better believe it. Tooty and Sunday approach. SUNDAY What in the hell was going on here? DONNER A superhero ray that melts people, a puddle of protoplasm on the floor, and a dead succubus... I think everything pretty much explains itself, officer. Either way, I have deniability... It was Senestra Malevolous who started it. Go arrest her. TOOTY Malevolous? It couldn't be! She's being held by the LAPD for severely beating Elijah Wood! BIPPO Aw, she beat me to it! TOOTY Relax, there's still that Urkel kid. A man in a suit approaches them. THE SUIT Is there a Jason Donner here? DONNER Depends... Are you here with a paternity test? If so, my name is Jessie Glaspey... Actually, that might actually make it worse... Call me Liam Smith. LIAM Hey! THE SUIT No, I represent the law firm of Suewem, Screwem, and Howe and this, my dear sir, is a lawsuit. Donner takes the paper and reads. DONNER Wait a minute... why are the Chiropractors of the country suing me for? THE SUIT Because of your drug, they've been overrun by men with stiff necks. DONNER So? THE SUIT Now they all have carpel tunnel syndrome. DONNER Aw, crap. THE SUIT They want 6 billion dollars! DONNER But I'm only worth 6 billion dollars! What am I supposed to do? Give them my company? EXT. DONCO INDUSTRIES - LATER A workman hangs a sign on the front gate that says "OUT OF BUSINESS". RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. A PSYCHATRIST'S OFFICE As before. Donner is on the couch while Doctor Mona is taking notes. DONNER ...and that's my story. I've got less than a hundred thousand left and I'm going to have to move into that miserable toilet that Liam and his friends live in. DOCTOR MONA I guess that makes you feel very... Oh, what's the word I'm looking for? A nine letter word for not knowing ending in an "n"? DONNER Uncertain? DOCTOR MONA (writes it down) That's it. DONNER Wait a minute... Are you doing a crossword puzzle. DOCTOR MONA Uh, yeah... I'm sorry. How does that make you feel? DONNER Well, outraged! DOCTOR MONA (writes that down) Out... Raged... Ha, it fits! DONNER WHAT!? DOCTOR MONA Nothing. Look, Donner. I know you've lost your fortune but you still have your health and well being and that's what's important. DONNER Yeah, try writing THAT on a deposit slip. A pause. DOCTOR MONA I tell you what, why don't you go ahead and come in next week. If anyone needs therapy, you're it. DONNER But I can't afford this anymore. DOCTOR MONA Oh, what the hell? I'll let you come in anyway. DONNER That's very kind of you, Doctor Watur. DOCTOR MONA Doctor Mona, Donner. Donner shakes her hand and exits. DOCTOR MONA Besides, you already paid a year in advance. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS An empty apartment. Donner, Liam, and Professor Arturo enters. ARTURO Well, this is it. You like? DONNER It sucks. LIAM Oh, don't be so down on yourself, Donner! So what if all of your money is gone!? I know you'll bounce right back. ARTURO You are rather resourceful. Donner doesn't say anything. ARTURO Donner, it wasn't your money that made you a worthwhile person. DONNER You're right, professor... It wasn't. I've been going downhill since Capeman left. ARTURO Surely you're not blaming him. DONNER (sighs) No, believe it or not... I'm not blaming him. The fact he left was my fault anyway. You know, besides the money and the fame and the women, do you know what I secretly liked most about working with Capeman? LIAM Free stuff from the endorsements? DONNER Besides that. I liked the fact that, deep down, I was doing some good through him. Even though I was basically fleecing people, it felt good to know that I was helping to do some good in the world. (a beat) When it comes down to it, Capeman was the only thing that made me a worthwhile human being. LIAM Oh, get off it. What about the time that you floated me a loan to get to Las Vegas? What about the time you took the blame for the dog kennel I set up in my apartment? DONNER Liam, that was piddly crap. A beat. LIAM What about the time you stayed with me all night when I found out my father died? DONNER You made me eat those disgusting cheese balls. LIAM Well, regardless, you may think you're a worthless person and so might a lot of other people here, but this is the perfect opportunity for you to change your life around and become a new person. The professor said it best, "There's always room for redemption." ARTURO It was quite eloquent, wasn't it? LIAM Oh, you have no idea. It still gives me chills. (to Donner) Besides, Upda Creek isn't as crazy as you think it is. Thad and Bippo throw open the door. THAD LIAM! There's a radioactive poo monster coming out of the basement pipes! It wants all our peppermint! BIPPO Jesse and Jonathan are holding it off, but their cans of Lysol aren't going to hold out forever! LIAM Then we have no time to waste. Professor, get the rubber gloves. ARTURO Check. Arturo runs off. LIAM I'll get the scotch tape. Liam runs off. BIPPO And I'LL get the flame thrower. Bippo and Thad leave. Donner stands there in the center of the room staring at the open door in disbelief. DONNER What the hell have I gotten myself into? A beat. He stands there for a second. DONNER Oh, what the hell... GUYS WAIT UP! Donner runs out the door. FADE OUT: THE END