THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.24: "Showdown"
Written by Jesse Glaspey

EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. It's raining. Drew Fangtastic is walks up to the building. The camera follows him as he walks in and heads up the stairwell to Liam's floor. He walks up to Liam's apartment and knocks on the door. VOICE Who is it? DREW (Annoyed) I'm pale and I tend to catch fire when I walk in the daylight. Who else could I be? VOICE Calista Flockhart? Say the password! DREW Thad, if you don't open the door. I'm going to drag your sorry carcass to the vet and make sure you never bother the other puppies again, got it? I'm soaking wet and I'm missing "Passions"! Thad opens the door. THAD That's a long password. Drew rolls his eyes and walks past Thad into Liam's place. Drew sees Jesse, Jonathan and Bippo are there as well. DREW So where's Liam? He called me and asked me to come here. THAD He's in the bathroom. He'll be out in a bit. Drew looks at Jesse and Jonathan. DREW I don't recognize you two? You know Liam? BIPPO This is Jesse and Jonathan. They're Upda Creek's resident superheroes. DREW Oh. Are you the two lads that are holed up in the basement? JESSE That's us. Are you that guy that keeps leaving notes on our door requesting to use the furnace? DREW Basically, yes. THAD Drew's that vampire I told you guys about. JONATHAN So Drew, you're really a eunuch? Drew glares at Thad. DREW I am NOT a eunuch! JESSE So Thad probably never kicked your ass either, right? Drew is about to attack Thad when Liam walks in. LIAM Drew! Thanks for coming. Has everyone gotten acquainted? JESSE More or less. BIPPO Man, you guys took that whole "Drew is a vampire" thing pretty much in stride, huh? JONATHAN He's not the first vampire we've ever met. JESSE Yeah, there was this guy in LA. He had this REALLY hot secretary… DREW Hello? Am I going to find out why I was called here? LIAM Simple, I want your help. I'm going to go after the Tribunal of Evil. They've been gunning for me for what seems like years now and I've had it. I can't do this alone but hopefully, with your help. We'll take them out… or die trying! The group's eyes widen. Jesse raises his hand. JESSE Can we back up to the "die trying" part? I got questions about that. MUSICAL STING FADE OUT --------- ---------------- ------------------- -------------- Theme Song (Set to Alien Ant Farm's cover of "Smooth Criminal") Liam lives and works in Vegas His villains intimidate us Bippo's crazy. His morals: kinda blurry Thad's a werewolf. He gets angry, he turns furry Stacy is Liam's sister Didn't know that when he kissed her Jesse is a Superhero His alter-ego: Cosmic Weasel Liam, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Liam Liam, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Liam Liam, are you OK You OK Are you OK, Liam You are watching, You are viewing The Liam Smith Show OLE! ----------- ------------------ ------------------ ------- ---- The Liam Smith Show STARRING Dian Bachar as Liam Smith/ The Anti-Liam CO-STARRING Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown David Hopper as Drew Fangtastic EVEN MORE STARRING Marina Sirtis as Senestra Malevolous Billy Blanks as "Rock" Dolph Lundgren as "Tank" GUEST STARRING The Kids In The Hall as The Tribunal Of Evil Matt Damon as The Alpha Nerd Ben Affleck as The Beta Nerd David Hasselhoff as Captain Hawaii Verne Troyer as Wally Pimento Britney Spears as herself Justin Timberlake as himself AND INTRODUCING Andy Dick As Mysterious Figure INT. A DARK & SINISTER LAIR The Tribunal of Evil are discussing their future TRIBUNAL 1 You are all fools! We cannot cower and cringe like fetid orphans begging for scraps! TRIBUNAL 2 You know, a simple "no" would have sufficed! TRIBUNAL 3 (Lighting a cigarette) Liam Smith has discovered our existence! With all the powerful entities at his disposal, he could easily smote us! I don't want to be smoten! TRIBUNAL 4 Oh, come on! We're pretty powerful too! Last time I checked, we weren't called the "Tribunal of Evil" just because we got these cool robes! TRIBUNAL 5 He's right! They know we exist, but they know nothing else. They delve into a world they know nothing about. All of a sudden, a door to their chamber flies open and Mysterious Figure floats in. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE And what IF they find out who and where you are? Are the five of you prepared to do hand to hand battle with a vampire? A werewolf? Superheroes? A time traveller? Or god help you, a drag queen? TRIBUNAL 1 Who are you? TRIBUNAL 2 How did you find us? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE I… am Mysterious Figure! TRIBUNAL 3 Wait… your NAME really is Mysterious Figure? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Yes. TRIBUNAL 4 I thought that was just a clever way to hide your identity from the viewers! MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Nope. It's my name. Check the script. The Tribunal members pull out their copies of the script. TRIBUNAL 5 Well, I'll be damned. Hey! Wait! How did you find us??? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE A couple of your ex-employees told me. The same ex-employees that now work for me! In my INJUSTICE SQUAD! The rest of the Injustice Squad enter. It's Captain Hawaii, The Alpha and Beta Nerd, Wally Pimento, Robo-Britney (with Justin Timberlackey). The Anti-Liam comes in last, staying out of sight, save for lighting a cigarette. TRIBUNAL 1 Ah, Wally Pimento and the Omega Nerds. Good to see that unlike all the other emissaries we've sent after Liam Smith, you're still alive. ALPHA NERD Alive and still kicking! Just like Buffy! The nerds laugh and snort. TRIBUNAL 2 And what is your Injustice Squad's business with us? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Simple. We're here to protect you… for a price. Liam Smith wants to end this feud. And with his luck, him and his cohorts will no doubt stumble their way into discovering your whereabouts. We will insure that the second they find you, we'll be there waiting for them. TRIBUNAL 3 Bounty Hunters? We don't need their type of scum here! The Alpha and Beta Nerd start laughing again. TRIBUNAL 4 What? What're they laughing at? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Ignore them. Are our services required or shall we leave you to try to come up with some other means of defense? The Tribunal huddle and whisper for a couple minutes. They come back up. TRIBUNAL 5 We will purchase your services. You'll get half now and the other half upon elimination of the threat. And an extra bonus if you can deliver us Liam Smith for our sacrifice. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Oh, you'll be very pleased with the results. VERY pleased, The group leaves the room. INT. LIAM'S PLACE. Liam is pacing in front of a chalkboard with notes about what they know about the Tribunal of Evil. LIAM Okay. Let's review. One: They're a tribunal. Two: They're evil. Three: They want to sacrifice me. Four they have the funds to hire anyone. Anything else? JONATHAN How about five: They hire incompetents? JESSE Or six: We've beaten their emissaries through dumb luck? DREW Can we stop with all the vague generalizations? Why did you pick us to go after them? LIAM Well, simply put… I chose you, Thad, Jesse and Jonathan because they're superhuman. They provide muscle, power and intelligence. Everyone looks at Thad, who's picking his nose. DREW So why is Bippo here? Bippo pulls out his chainsaw. BIPPO I'm the weapons expert! Like one of Charlie's Angels! Drew pauses. DREW Of course you are. Why don't we just interrogate people who would know about this Tribunal? JESSE Like who? DREW Well, how about super-villains, informants, and other criminally based people? LIAM That's going to be tough. Most of the people who have been hired by the Tribunal and came after us are dead. JONATHAN How about the Alpha and Beta Nerds? They're alive. LIAM But their whereabouts are unknown. Something broke them out of prison after our incident in LA. It might be connected to the Tribunal, but it's still sketchy. JESSE What about that little midget that took Upda Creek hostage? He's alive, isn't he? LIAM Wally Pimento? You shoved him down a toilet, remember? I heard he might be alive, but in hiding. JESSE Yeah. I just wanted to hear someone say it. Heh heh! DREW Okay, so we don't have any direct connections. What about other underworld figures? They may have information that the Tribunal's flunkies don't have or would even give us. LIAM Good idea, but where are we going to find a super-villain? Everyone pauses and looks at Liam. BIPPO Um… Liam? Our boss? LIAM Oh, don't worry about work, Bippo. We have the day off! Remember? Senestra yelled at us for playing Highlander with the pool cues! A pause. LIAM (Getting it) Ooh! Senestra! She's a supervillain! DREW Are you sure you want to head up this investigation? LIAM Okay, we go talk to Senestra. But what if the Tribunal comes after us? Once word gets out we're hunting them, they're going to be on us like whoopie-juice on a presidential intern's dress! JONATHAN Okay, ignoring that visual… we may be able to hook you up with some stuff to help you in case the poo hits the fan. Come with us! INT. JESSE AND JONATHAN'S PLACE Jesse and Jonathan walk in to their place with Drew, Thad, Bippo and Liam following behind. Jesse walks up to a bowling trophy (honorable mention) and moves it sideways. The entire apartment switches and swivels to reveal several high tech gadgets and computers. LIAM Nice gear! You used the rest of your millions on this stuff? JONATHAN Actually, no. We won this stuff in a poker game. JESSE And check this out! The fridge turns into a teleporter! Jesse hits a button. The fridge hums and twists around into a teleporter tube. BIPPO Where does the food go? There's a pause. Jesse and Jonathan look at each other. JESSE & JONATHAN Uh-oh. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Gary the Fanboy is walking up to the building. GARY (holding a comic in front of himself) Wow! I can't believe I got a hold of Green Arrow number one autographed by Kevin Smith and Phil Hester! Yessssss! A bottle of Grape Jelly materializes above Gary and plummets down and spills all over the comic. GARY NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! A watermelon then materializes above him and smashes over Gary's head, knocking him out. INT. JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE. Jonathan pulls out a belt and a cell phone and hands them to Liam. JONATHAN Okay, here's some inventions I've been working on for our crime fighting. This belt right here is a utility belt. I was going to give it to Jesse considering his powers are pretty useless… JESSE HEY! JONATHAN But, instead… I'll give it to you. Jonathan hands the utility belt to Liam. JONATHAN Now, the cell phone doubles as a tazer. Hit the green button, talk all you want. Hit the red button and make sure the antenna isn't pointed towards you. Otherwise… ZAPPO! LIAM "Zappo"? JONATHAN Exactly. DREW What's the point of that? What are you going to dupe some rogues into thinking you want to make a phone call then you electrocute them? JESSE Hey! Are you going to punch holes in all our logic? DREW Well, there has to be logic there for me to punch a hole in first, now doesn't there? JESSE Ooh! That's it! It's on, pasty face! Jesse and Drew lunge forward to attack each other while Thad and Jonathan hold them back. LIAM HEY! Knock it off! We have a job to do! We have to get to Circus Circus! Jesse, fire up the Weasel Wagon! Jesse pauses and shifts uncomfortably. JESSE Problem. The Weasel Wagon kinda… got wrecked! LIAM What? JESSE We found out the hard way that planes don't have a reverse gear… JONATHAN … And you have to refuel them after large trips. LIAM Wonderful! Now we need to find a way to Circus Circus! Maybe I can call Donner to send us a limo. BIPPO You'd have an easier time teaching pigs to fly. DREW We're not taking the bus! Public transportation scares me. And the weirdos you meet… Ick. JONATHAN Hey, hey, HEY! We DO have transportation. We got a car! We won it in a poker game also! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. Liam. Jesse and the rest of the group stare in awe at their car. It's KITT from Knight Rider. THAD Jesse? Jonathan? If you two are as good at poker as you say you are? Never come to Circus Circus while we're on shift! The group piles in the car. DREW Is this car going to get us anywhere? It looks kind of old! KITT My bio-scan shows that you're no spring chicken yourself, buddy. DREW AGH! It talks! KITT He's a bright one, isn't he? JESSE Oh, you're gonna fit in well with this group, KITT. THAD (Points to a button on the dashboard) Cool! What's that? JONATHAN The turbo boost THAD And that? JONATHAN The monitor screen. THAD And what's that? JONATHAN The cup holder. THAD SWEET! We gotta get some drinks to use those! DREW Can we leave now? This is like a spy mission gone wrong. LIAM Which explains why Bippo is talking into a pen. BIPPO (To pen) They suspect nothing, Cobra Commander! Our mission shall be carried out! COBRAAAAAAA!!! JESSE Could you stop that? It's embarrassing! DREW Yeah, really! JESSE If you're gonna be a spy, talk into your shoe, like me! Jesse lifts up his shoe. JESSE Agent 99! Agent 99! Come in, 99! LIAM LET'S GO ALREADY! JESSE Fine, fine. Jesse starts the car up and it races off, peeling rubber. KITT ARGH! Take me out of first! Take me out of first! JESSE What's first? JONATHAN Pull over! I'm driving! DREW (To Liam) This mission is already getting off to a great start. Let's pray Jesse and Jonathan don't blow this car up with us in it. KITT Actually, I'm indestructible. JESSE Oh, we'll see about that! The group stares at Jesse. --------- ---------------- ----------------- --------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon… Smackdown: The Musical! Lillian Garcia: Chris Jericho! You just got beaten up by Triple H and the Alliance because of Stpehanie McMahon! How do you feel? (Music starts. It's "Summer Nights" from Grease.) Jericho: Hunter beat me, he got the win! Stephanie McMahon: Hunter "pedigree"d him, then got the pin! Jericho: The Alliance came down and beat me en masse! Stephanie: That's what he gets for calling me a fat ass! WWF stars: Well-a well-a woop! Tell us more, tell us more… The Rock: Did you pull on her hair? Alliance stars: Tell us more, tell us more… Kurt Angle: Did you hit him with a chair? All: Smackdown days, drifting away into Smackdown nights! Smackdown: The musical! Followed by Roswell: The musical, Enterprise: The musical and Special Unit 2: The musical! ------------------ ------------------------ ----------- - INT. AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE The Anti-Liam is sitting back on a chair, smoking a cigarette. Capt. Hawaii and other Injustice Squad members walk up. CAPT. HAWAII Hey! You're supposed to be keeping watch! ANTI-LIAM Oh yeah. The dust is sneaking by me, huh? Better keep my eyes peeled or the roaches might just overpower us! CAPT. HAWAII What is your problem? Ever since this group started you've been acting snotty to all of us! We're a team and we have to coexist ANTI-LIAM Did I ever tell you about this guy on my Earth that I killed? This guy, Gary told me that if I was going to conquer worlds, the one thing I shouldn't do is start a team of solo villains. It never works. Look at the Injustice Gang, Tartarus, the Masters of Evil, The Sinister Six… why don't they work? Because they're better off solo! CAPT. HAWAII Wait, why'd you kill a guy who gives you advice like that? ANTI-LIAM Oh. He said that while he was going into shock after I cut off his fingers. CAPT. HAWAII Oh. ALPHA NERD Well, actually those teams all collapsed because of their member's massive egos. Anti-Liam pauses. He then backhands the Alpha Nerd. ANTI-LIAM As opposed to this team, which will be torn apart by its member's massive stupidity! BETA NERD (Helping Alpha up) What is your damage? Didn't Mysterious Figure save you? ANTI-LIAM Yeah. And I owe him. Unfortunately, he's now sending us on a mission that's bound to land us all in jail again! If we don't get killed in the process! WALLY PIMENTO You don't believe we can defend the Tribunal and kill Liam Smith? ANTI-LIAM Look at who we have in our team: A midget, a moron with a trash can lid on his hand, two virgins and you know what? (Points to Britney and Justin) Last time I checked, YOU TWO WERE DEAD! BETA NERD (British accent) They got better? Anti-Liam kicks Beta Nerd in the face. ANTI-LIAM (Still kicking him) No… Monty… Python! CAPT. HAWAII Hey, how are the two of you alive? I saw on "Where are they now?" that you were crushed in a trash compactor and you had a phone dropped on you! JUSTIN Well thereby hangs a tale! I was stiff and lifeless… ANTI-LIAM (Off camera) Then you were killed. CAPT. HAWAII Shh! JUSTIN Then all of a sudden I was whisked back to life by O' Mysterious Figure! He dragged me back from the afterlife! ANTI-LIAM So you're a zombie? JUSTIN Well, I prefer to think of it as "Circulatory impaired" The Anti-Liam pulls out a gun and shoots Justin in the chest. Both Justin and Anti-Liam stare at the gaping hole in his chest. ANTI-LIAM Zombie? JUSTIN (Sighs) Yes. And once I was re-animated, Mysterious Figure had me start re building my cyborg sweetie. Months of hard work later, she was as good as new! BRITNEY Except for some reason, The Britney has a penis now. Everyone stares in shock at Britney. They then do a slow turn towards Justin. JUSTIN What? I didn't do it! Mysterious Figure floats towards the group. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Enough of this prattling! We have word Liam Smith and a group are headed to Circus Circus! ANTI-LIAM Wow. Glad you kept us updated on that. Why don't you tell us why we're still here instead of out there hunting them and cutting their fricking heads off? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Upon briefing with the Tribunal, we have come to the conclusion that we don't have to do anything. They're like danger magnets. All we have to do is wait and they'll stumble upon us. And when they stumble, we'll be there waiting. ANTI-LIAM Translation: Hope Liam's dumb luck leads him into a lame trap. And what's with them always talking in order anyways? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE SILENCE! A pause. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE (Looks at Britney) And what's this about you having a penis? Robo-Britney rolls her eyes. EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS. KITT pulls up. Liam looks at Jesse, JONATHAN and Drew. LIAM Okay. Which one of you is going to interrogate Senestra? JESSE & JONATHAN Bah? DREW I think what they're trying to say is, "Why us?" LIAM Come on! If me, Thad or Bippo do it. We'd end up jobless! She doesn't know any of you! JESSE I might volunteer. Is she hot? JONATHAN Oh, shut up! DREW I'll go. LIAM You will? DREW Yeah. It's been a while since I got to interrogate anyone. LIAM Okay. Try to be low key, though. DREW Don't worry about it. I'm the picture of low key. INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS. SENESTRA'S OFFICE Senestra is at her desk watching Dawson's Creek. Rock and Tank are on the opposite end of the room by the door. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Drew walks in. He's wearing a cowboy hat, a bright Aloha t-shirt and bermuda shorts. Senestra immediately changes the channel and turns the TV off. DREW (Southern accent, holds out a roll of quarters) Hey! Wow! Would'ja look at this here place! Hey, miss! Could y'all exchange this here roll of quarters for some of them thar tokens for your slut machines? SENESTRA Huh? Slut mach-- HEY! This isn't a change booth, pal! Get out of my office! Rock! Tank! Escort this man out! Rock and Tank start to move forward when Drew backhands Rock with the hand holding the roll of quarters. Drew then kicks Tank in the stomach and slams him head first into the wall. Drew lets go of Rock and Tank, walks over to Senestra's desk, sets the roll of quarters down in front of her and sits down in the chair in front of her, kicking his feet up on the desk. Senestra is in shock. DREW Tribunal of Evil. SENESTRA (Still in shock) Huh? DREW (Snaps his fingers) The Tribunal of Evil, sweetie! Pay attention. I want to know everything you know about them SENESTRA Could you do that again? DREW Huh? Do what again? SENESTRA Beat them up. That was awesome! DREW Um, can we get back to the matter at hand? SENESTRA Sure, whatever. Can you show me how to do that backhand thingy? DREW Hey! Tribunal! Where are they? (Senestra rifles through her rolodex. She pulls out a card.) SENESTRA Here. This is a warehouse they own where they store weapons that they've sold to me, that's all I have. Now enough talk, more stomping! DREW (Sighs) Fine. Drew walks over to Rock who's trying to sit up. He punches him out again. DREW Back to bed! Drew walks back to the desk and takes the card. DREW (Lights a cigarette) Thanks. See you around. Senestra stands up and leans on the desk seductively. SENESTRA (Playing with her hair) You know, I have a couple of minutes… DREW (Walking out) So go boil an egg. Later, luv! Drew leaves. SENESTRA God, vampires are so sexy… TANK (Waking up) Dah, I heard they're eunuchs! Senestra frowns, picks up the roll of quarters and heads toward Tank. EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS. Drew walks out towards Liam and the team. Everyone hears a loud thump and a groan come from Senestra's office. They ignore it and go back to their usual behavior. DREW I got the address of one of their warehouses. THAD Hey, what'd you do with the roll of quarters I lent you? DREW I "donated" it. THAD Dammit! Now how am I going to do laundry? DREW You could always lick your clothes clean… Thad growls. Liam takes the card. LIAM Excellent! This could be the clue we're looking for! BIPPO Or a big fat goose chase! Either way, I'm happy! JESSE So we're heading where? LIAM "T.O.E. Storage" Everyone pauses. JONATHAN "T.O.E. Storage"? You've gotta be kidding me. LIAM Well, let's go! JESSE I'm driving! EVERYONE HELL NO! Jonathan gets in the drivers seat and they drive off. They arrive at T.O.E. Storage. Jesse rips the lock off the door and they walk in. INT. T.O.E. STORAGE The group is walking down the hallways of the warehouse. There are shelves of boxes stacked all the way to the ceiling. LIAM Look at this stuff! "Gauntlet, Infinity", "Pulse rifle, MP31-A", "Covenant, Lost Ark of". BIPPO Now I know where I'm going to send you guys for my birthday presents! VOICE (Off Screen) That is, if you all live to see your next birthday! Liam and the group turn around to see the Injustice Squad standing in front of the exit. ------- ------------------- -------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Narrator: You know how some previews give too much of the story away? Well, this summer… An adventure is coming so big that we can't show you a thing… but we can play a sound bite… Voice 1: We are NOT getting a monkey sidekick! Voice 2: Why not? It's just like working with you. Voice 1: Do you really need two of me? Voice 2: Good point. Narrator: Coming soon, an all new action packed adventure exclusive to the Slightly Warped Website! Coming this summer! --------- ---------------------------- ------------ INT. T.O.E. STORAGE The Injustice Squad is blocking the exit. Liam and the group try to back away. Mysterious Figure raises his hands and the doors and windows turn into stone. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE You're not going anywhere! We have plans for you! LIAM I know, I know… The Tribunal has a sacrifice… Just let my friends go. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Can't do that! They might come back. I have an explosive rigged in this warehouse. If they leave, it goes off! A pause. ANTI-LIAM You put a bomb in the warehouse… That WE'RE currently standing in? So if they leave, we get blown up? Brilliant! Just (BLEEP)ing brilliant! I'm starting to think the "Mysterious" part of your name is referring to "Does he have a brain or doesn't he?" MYSTERIOUS FIGURE You know, rescuing you is becoming more trouble than it was worth! ANTI-LIAM Ooh! What're you going to do? Re animate another boy band member to attach another wiener to me? CAPT. HAWAII You shut your dirty mouth! ANTI-LIAM Or what? CAPT. HAWAII Or THIS! Capt. Hawaii swings at The Anti-Liam. Anti-Liam ducks and the blow hits The Beta Nerd. The group starts brawling with one another. LIAM (Putting his hand on his forehead) Oh, you've got to be kidding me… THAD What's Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake doing here? Aren't they dead? BIPPO They got better? Everyone groans. JESSE So, what do we do now? LIAM I guess we should find a way out! ROBO-BRITNEY Not so fast! If we kill one another, we're taking you with us! Britney's arm turns into a cross-bow type device and she fires a bolt directly at Drew. Drew catches the arrow and throws it back at her, sending the lance directly through her neck. THAD OH MY GOD! YOU SPEARED BRITNEY! Everyone stops and looks at Thad THAD Sorry. Didn't realize how stupid that would sound until I said it. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE GET THEM FOR GOD'S SAKES! The Injustice Squad attacks, including Britney. Who has an arrow hanging out of her neck. Jesse and Jonathan transform into Cosmic Weasel & and Thad wolfs out. COSMIC WEASEL If we take out the leader, the group will fall apart! Dr. Wham looks at Cos. COSMIC WEASEL More than it already is. Better. Doc and Cos leap forward towards Mysterious Figure. He waves his hand and Doc and Cos fly back into a wall and slide down. COSMIC WEASEL Wanna go beat up the Omega Nerds? DR. WHAM Good idea. Meanwhile, Bippo and Drew are facing off against Britney and Justin. Britney is throttling Drew and Justin is chasing Bippo around. DREW Argh! You COULD help me here. Bippo! BIPPO Kinda busy! I don't want this little geek touching me! He looks like he's got cooties or something! DREW (Sniffs) He's a zombie, Bippo! I could tell that even if I couldn't smell his rotting odor! BIPPO Zombie? COOL! Bippo pulls his chainsaw out and revs it up. BIPPO Time to say "Bye Bye Bye", Justin! Bippo walks off screen towards Justin. Drew is still getting beaten up by Robo-Britney. We hear cutting noises and a scream. Bippo walks back on screen. BIPPO You're still fighting Britney? Just kick her in the junk and let's go! DREW (Getting punched by Britney) Britney is a girl, Bippo! Girls don't have "junk"! BIPPO Well, then I guess I'm gonna have to tell Thad you got beaten up by Britney Spears! DREW (Angrily) THE HELL YOU WILL! Drew knees Britney in the crotch. She doubles over in pain and gasps for air. BIPPO Whoa! Britney's got "junk"! DREW (Grabbing Bippo's chainsaw) Not for much longer. Drew walks off camera with the chainsaw. A minute later, he comes back holding various cyborg parts. He throws them over his shoulder. BIPPO Hey! Cool! Did you take a souvenir like me? Bippo holds up Justin's head. JUSTIN Let me go! Or I'll… cry and whimper! DREW Well, actually I did take a souvenir off Britney. But I can't show them on TV. Drew walks off, Bippo looks confused. He then realizes what Drew took. BIPPO OH! That's just wrong! A pause BIPPO (Walks off after Drew) Can I see them? CAPTAIN HAWAII WALKS TOWARDS LIAM. MEANWHILE IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN SEE WALLY PIMENTO CHASING AFTER THAD WITH A GUN, SHOOTING AT HIS FEET. CAPT. HAWAII Once I take you to the Tribunal, I'll be a very wealthy man again! LIAM Looks like its time to use my new utility belt! Liam reaches into one of the pockets. He then reaches into another, then another and another. They're all empty. LIAM (Backing away from Capt. Hawaii) DOC! THIS BELT IS EMPTY!!! DR. WHAM (Beating up the Alpha Nerd) Well, yeah! We made the belt! You're supposed to put all the gadgets in it! LIAM Oh, for crying out loud… Liam runs for it. Meanwhile, Werewolf Thad is now chasing Wally in the background. Capt. Hawaii chases after him around a corner. Liam is standing by a blocked emergency exit CAPT. HAWAII Hah! Forgot we blocked the escapes, huh? LIAM No! I was just… um… trying to call Capeman on my cell phone! Capt. Hawaii takes the phone from Liam. CAPT. HAWAII Give me that! Hey, nice phone! Think I'll keep it. How do I turn it on? LIAM Hit the red button! CAPT. HAWAII (Looking down at the phone. He sees the metal nodes on the antenna) Ah… I get it… This isn't a phone, is it? Some kind of tazer? What do you think, I am? Some kind of moron? Capt. Hawaii looks up to see Liam holding a fire hose. LIAM That's the general idea. Liam turns on the hose and blasts Capt. Hawaii, who's still holding the phone/tazer. He's electrocuted instantly. Liam turns the hose off. CAPT. HAWAII (Passing out) Ow……… Liam leans against a wall and takes a deep breath. All of a sudden, the wall turns around and sends Liam falling back down into a hidden room. He gets up and realizes the Tribiunal of Evil is standing right in front of him. TRIBUNALS (Liam Smith, we presume?) ----------- ----------------- ----------- COMMERCIAL BREAK -Watch "From Hell"! It's scary! -Watch "13 Ghosts"! It's really scary! -Watch "Max Keeble's Big Move"! It's f'ing terrifying! ----------- ------------ --------------- - INT. THE TRIBUNAL'S LAIR The Tribunals are advancing on Liam with various holy implements in their hands. TRIBUNAL 1 Liam Smith! Finally, your time has come!!! TRIBUNAL 2 Prepare for your sacrifice! LIAM WAIT! Why is it you want to sacrifice me? What do you gain? TRIBUNAL 3 Well, we selected you through logical and scientific means… RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: Tribunals 1-4 are spinning a blindfolded Tribunal 5 around and point him at a phone book. TRIBUNAL 5 (Opens the book up and points to a page) HIM! Tribunal 4 looks at the name his finger is by. TRIBUNAL 4 Smith, Liam Q. TRIBUNALS HE IS THE ONE! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: Liam is standing in front of the Tribunals. LIAM But why? Why do all this? Will sacrificing me gain you wealth, power or immortality? TRIBUNAL 4 Nothing so pedestrian! TRIBUNAL 5 We're sacrificing you for Jodie Foster! LIAM Huh? Jodie Foster? But she's not even that hot anymore! TRIBUNAL 1 SILENCE! TRIBUNAL 2 We tried the sacrifice before but our original target was just too big. And our emissary was just incompetent! So we aimed lower… TRIBUNAL 3 And lower… TRIBUNAL 4 And lower… TRIBUNAL 5 Then we got to you. TRIBUNAL 1 So prepare to be sacrficed, Liam Quincy Smith! So that Jodie Foster shall be ours!!! Liam pauses again. LIAM Excuse me? TRIBUNAL 2 He said "prepare to be sacrficed, Liam Quincy Smith! So that Jodie Foster shall be ours". LIAM Um, My middle name isn't Quincy. TRIBUNAL 3 What? LIAM My middle name isn't Quincy. TRIBUNAL 4 Are you sure? LIAM Positive. TRIBUNAL 5 You live at 1701 Elm St? LIAM Nope. TRIBUNAL 1 Can we see some ID? LIAM Sure. Liam pulls out a license and hands it to the Tribunals. TRIBUNAL 2 You know, he always looked kind of short on the viewing globe… TRIBUNAL 3 Well, I always thought that was just the viewing globe. TRIBUNAL 4 Guys, I think we've been after the wrong Liam! TRIBUNAL 5 Dammit! That means we have to make up for lost time! TRIBUNAL 1 Yeah. Listen, pal. We're sorry about this. No hard feelings, right? LIAM Um…. No. I guess not. But what about the Injustice Squad? They're trying to kill us! TRIBUNAL 2 Well, we already paid them quite a bit, so you're pretty much on your own. Bye! The Tribunals shove him towards the door. Liam's struggling to stay inside in safety. LIAM Wait! I have to know! What's with the speaking in order thing? TRIBUNAL 3 Well, duh! We're a Tribunal! TRIBUNAL 4 We have rules! LIAM So why not change that one? It's kind of lame. TRIBUNAL 5 Please leave. Or we'll change our minds. LIAM Well, gotta go! Don't be strangers! Liam leaves. INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WAREHOUSE Mysterious Figure is rushing to a hidden corner of the warehouse with a satchel full of the payment the Tribunal gave him and a half smoked cigarette in his mouth. The Anti Liam meets up with him. ANTI-LIAM Where are you going? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Well, things aren't exactly going as planned. So I figured I'd probably escape. ANTI-LIAM What about the rest of the Injustice Squad? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Well, all of you will hold off the heroes while I make my escape and come back for you later! ANTI-LIAM MY GOD! THAT'S BRILLIANT! But how are you going to escape? MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Well, there's a hidden passageway under this floor that can be accessed with this switch. ANTI-LIAM Well, thanks for letting me know that. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE You're going to try to kill me aren't you? ANTI-LIAM Nothing really gets by you! The Anti-Liam pulls out a gun. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE Do you really think shooting me will… The Anti-Liam shoots Mysterious Figure. Mysterious Figure slumps down to the ground. Anti-Liam reaches down and picks up the satchel. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE (Dying) B-b-but I didn't get to do anything evil… ANTI-LIAM And you still won't. Anti-Liam brings the gun up again and fires. He takes the switch, flips it and heads into the passageway. The door closes behind him, leaving Mysterious Figure dying. INT. T.O.E. STORAGE Liam walks up to see The Alpha and Beta Nerd still getting beaten up by The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham. LIAM Hey, guys? How are we going to get out of here? COSMIC WEASEL Oh, we got that covered. We'll stay in here and look for the bomb while you guys take these assclowns outside. DR. WHAM (Starts talking to his watch) KITT. We need you to open up a door for us! Pronto! There's a revving sound and then a crash as KITT bursts through the wall. KITT I wouldn't mind knowing why you didn't have me do this earlier. Would have saved you all some time. EXT. T.O.E. STORAGE Liam is sitting by KITT as Drew finishes tying up Capt. Hawaii and the Omega Nerds and lights a cigarette. The only remaining living members of the Injustice Squad. Thad walks up. LIAM What happened with Wally Pimento? Thad burps. LIAM Never mind. THAD You know what? The problem with devouring midgets is, a half hour later you want to do it again. LIAM That's way too much for me to know. THAD I was a good thing. I WAS in the mood for Italian. LIAM Please stop. THAD He was depressed anyways. He was suicidal. He was going to kill himself by jumping off a curb! EVERYONE ENOUGH! THAD Sorry. DREW So the Tribunal is really after a completely different Liam Smith? LIAM Yep. DREW Well, don't you think we should warn this other Liam Smith? He probably doesn't have all the luck you have! That was a pretty irresponsible thing to do. Letting the Tribunal go when they pose a threat to innocent people. THAD Speaking of irresponsible, where's Jesse and Jonathan? LIAM They're still inside looking for the bomb, the Anti-Liam and that other guy. I sent Bippo to look for them. A pause. DREW You sent… Bippo to go look for Jesse and Jonathan? LIAM Yeah. Why? I figured… Oh god! What have I done? DREW How long have you been suffering from these lapses of judgment, Liam? LIAM Ever since I moved to Vegas. All of a sudden, Jesse, Jonathan and Bippo come running out of the warehouse. JESSE MOVE! MOVE! Everyone ducks behind KITT. The warehouse explodes. LIAM What happened? BIPPO Jesse cut the wrong wire. JESSE They said "Cut the red wire, Jesse! Cut the red wire!" JONATHAN You cut the white wire! JESSE Looked red to me! JONATHAN That's because your mask has red lenses you idiot! DREW You think the Tribunal of Evil is okay? All of a sudden, the flaming body of one of the Tribunals slams into KITT. The Tribunal's head going through the windshield. THAD Does that answer your question? LIAM Well, at least that other Liam Smith should be alright. Jesse and Jonathan look at the body and KITT. JESSE (To Jonathan) A-HA! I TOLD YOU HE WASN'T INDESTRUCTABLE! KITT Owwwww…. FADE OUT FADE IN INT. A LIBRARY The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham are sitting by a desk. COSMIC WEASEL Hi kids! I'm the Cosmic Weasel! DR. WHAM And I'm Doctor Wham! COSMIC WEASEL And we want to talk to you kids know about smoking! DR. WHAM Now there were several characters smoking during this episode. And we want to let you know that smoking is bad for you! COSMIC WEASEL Smoking causes cancer, emphysema and it even stains your teeth! DR. WHAM But then again, it's not like people buy the things because they have vitamin C in 'em! COSMIC WEASEL And how about all those anti smoking ads? How annoying are those? DR. WHAM Tell me about it. I haven't wanted to slap so many young people since I watched that episode of Gilmore Girls! COSMIC WEASEL So the moral of this story, kids? Don't smoke… DR. WHAM …Unless you really want to look cool to your peers! COSMIC WEASEL So on behalf of the Cast of the Liam Smith Show, this is The Cosmic Weasel… DR. WHAM … And Dr. Wham saying… COSMIC WEASEL & DR. WHAM (Smiling) "Smoke if you got 'em!" DR. WHAM (Under breath. Still Smiling.) We are SO going to Hell for this. FADE OUT ROLL CREDITS