FictionPress.com - let the words flow| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.25: "Liam Buys a Car"
Written by Jason Gaston
Theme Song (To the theme of "Car 54 Where Are You?")
There is chaos in the streets,
and Las Vegas is agast.
Here's the forces of evil,
come to kick everybody's ass.
More than ever it is clear,
we need a hero to appear!
Hey Liam Smith, where are you?
OLE!
--------------------------------------------------------------The Liam Smith Show: guaranteed odor absorbant and the only show that leaves you feeling fresh and more feminine.
FADE IN: EXT. JOE JIM BOB BUB'S USED KLUNKERS Liam is walking among several old used heaps being passed off as cars. He kicks the wheel of an old Voltswagon Beetle and it falls apart right in front of him. Liam leaps out of the way and into the arms of JOE JIM BOB BUB, the salesman. JOE JIM BOB BUB I understand you're looking for a car! LIAM AH! Liam falls to the ground and backs away. LIAM Jesus! Where did YOU come from! JOE JIM BOB BUB We've got all sorts of high-low quality vehicles here at Joe Jim Bob Bub's Used Clunkers. LIAM I was wondering if... JOE JIM BOB BUB I tell you what, son. I like you so I'm gonna make you a deal on this thrice-used 1981 yellow school bus for $899 down and 500 dollar monthly payment over the next five years. Just sign here and it's all yours! Joe Jim Bob Bub produces a contract and a pen he shoves into Liam's face. Liam pushes them away. LIAM What can I get for five hundred dollars? JOE JIM BOB BUB Five hundred dollars? Nothing in the high-low quality lot. Let's mosey over to the medium-low quality lot. They walk to another section of the lot. JOE JIM BOB BUB Take a look at THIS beauty! LIAM That's a frame with four wheels. It doesn't even have an engine! JOE JIM BOB BUB Yeah, but you'd be surprised how that cuts down on gas milage! Just sign here! Joe Jim Bob Bub shoves another contract in Liam's face. LIAM (pushes it away) I'm not signing that! It promises you my first born child! JOE JIM BOB BUB (smiles) I like a man who knows how to haggle. How about this piece of cra... I mean, art? Joe Jim Bob Bub indicates a soap box racer. LIAM (excited) COOL! I'LL TAKE IT! I mean... NO! Must... fight... Impulse... BUYING! (a beat) All right, we've seen the high-low quality lot and the medium-low quality lot. Is there a low-low quality lot? JOE JIM BOB BUB (points) Over there. LIAM But that's the exit. Joe Jim Bob Bub is about to kick Liam out when Liam sees something. LIAM Hey, what's that? Liam runs over to a huge pile of newspapers where we see a shiny chrome fender jutting out of the pile. Liam pulls the newspapers off revealing a beautiful 1968 Corvette Convertible. LIAM Swooooooon! How much? JOE JIM BOB BUB Hmm... I don't remember ever seeing THAT on the lot. But I can't let it go for anything less than two thousand. LIAM Five hundred. JOE JIM BOB BUB One thousand. LIAM Five hundred. JOE JIM BOB BUB Seven fifty? LIAM Five hundred. JOE JIM BOB BUB Five hundred. LIAM Three fifty. JOE JIM BOB BUB Look, you're taking this car for four hundred and not a penny more! LIAM You drive a hard bargain Bob Jim Blain... Barn... Joe. Liam hands him a sack full of nickels and skips off to his new car. JOE JIM BOB BUB Heh... I Would have gone to four twenty five if he'd just... (a beat) Damn. (a beat) Why did my mom and dad have to be cousins? EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS We see the front end of Liam's car enter frame as the Beach Boy's "409" plays loudly. As the car slowly drives by, we see that no one is sitting in the drivers seat. As the back end of the car enters frame, we see Liam pushing the rear. Several other cars are behind him honking angrily. INT. A GARAGE Liam's car is there as Liam shines the hood. THAD, BIPPO, ARTURO and DONNER enter wearing mechanics clothes. DONNER Are you sure this is such a good idea, Liam? I mean, couldn't you at least have gotten a real mechanic to get this heap moving? LIAM I would have, but I spent the last bit of my money on detailing paint and this... Liam points to a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror. THAD (enchanted) COOL! Liam, this is the COOLEST car ever! I'm going to enjoy getting under the hood of this baby! BIPPO Can't wait to hear this engine purr like a cute, unsuspecting, and totally defenseless kitten. DONNER (sour) Yes, putting a car back together should be an entirely new experience for the both of you. Arturo is looking under the hood. ARTURO That's odd. There seems to be a rather sophisticated computer system in here. LIAM What's it for? BIPPO There's only one way to find out! ARTURO Yes, through rigorous testing and scientific method. BIPPO Well, sure... If you're a pussy. I was thinking of something more brash and foolhardy... Something like... THIS!!! Bippo reaches in and connects two wires. ARTURO You FOOL! We have no idea why that wire was cut! LIAM DUCK AND COVER!!! Everyone but Bippo runs for shelter. There is a long pause as Bippo stands there tapping his foot. BIPPO Are you all done being total chodes? Liam, Thad, Donner, and Arturo stick their heads up. DONNER Nothing go boom? BIPPO Yeah, nothing go boom! What, you've never heard of an on board computer? ARTURO Not in a 1968 Chevy! BIPPO Sh'yeah! Have you ever heard of installation? Hell-OOOO!? All right, here's what I suggest... First, we take apart the starter and see if the problem is there. Then we take apart the fuel manifold and clean it out thoroughly. If that doesn't work, we'll start with the carburetor and work our way to the problem. LIAM All right, you heard the clown! Let's get to fixin'! FADE TO: EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS The song "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" plays as the car slowly enters frame as it did before. When the driver's seat finally reaches the screen we see Liam sitting in the driver's seat with Thad, Bippo, Arturo, Donner, Stacy, and Doris inside as well. ARTURO Liam, you drive like an old woman! DORIS You've never seen ME drive, fat boy You ever hear that song "The Little Old Lady From Pasadena"? That was written about me! DONNER You knew The Beach Boys? DORIS Knew 'em? Honey, I was boinking Brian Wilson! Donner thinks about that for a second and then begins hitting the side of his head. DONNER OUT! OUT FOUL IMAGE! OUT! LIAM Well, it's been a long week hasn't it, guys? THAD Yep. A week of hard work, labor, and toil working on this baby. BIPPO We put a lot of work into it, all right. DONNER Yep, an entire week before we gave up and asked Stacy and Doris to fix it. STACY And it took us all of five minutes. DORIS I can't believe you just didn't check the gas gauge when it wouldn't start. STACY Still, this is an awesome car! DORIS Yeah, sort of like that TV show with Dezi Arnez, Jr. with the handsome guy from Star Trek: The Motion Picture and the high-tech crime-fighting car? Automan? LIAM No, it's a manual. RIM SHOT FADE TO: INT. THE CAR - LATER Liam is driving alone on his way to work. He is whistling and smiling. LIAM What a gorgeous day. CAR Yes it is. LIAM I'm so glad you... WHOA! EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS The car screeches to a halt in the middle of the street and Liam jumps out. LIAM GREMLINS! GREMLINS! CAR Relax Liam. I am not a Gremlin. I am your car's on board computer system. Your clown friend reconnected me. Remember? Liam slowly approaches the car. LIAM You're my car's computer? CAR Yes. LIAM Why haven't you said something before? CAR I have been re-calibrating my systems. I have been inactive for a long, long time. Tell me... What is the date? LIAM January 15th, 2002. CAR 2002? My... GOD! It... It CAN'T BE! LIAM What? What? CAR I MISSED CHRISTMAS!!! LIAM Wait, I'm confused... You're obviously a sophisticated piece of machinery. How did you end up in a used car lot for 500 bucks? CAR My previous owners did not appreciate me and threw me out. LIAM That's terrible, car! CAR Please, call me Chevy. LIAM Hey, if we got in trouble with the law... And they sent patrol cars after us... it would be a Chevy Chase! Liam and Chevy laugh. Chevy's driver's side door opens and Liam gets inside. CHEVY Oh, Liam... I have the feeling this is the start of a beautiful friendship. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is talking to Thad, Bippo, Stacy, Doris, Donner, and Arturo. THAD That's impossible! ARTURO I don't believe it! STACY What kind of fools do you take us for!? LIAM No, seriously! I DID see Bigfoot in the casino today. (a beat) Oh, my car talks to me too. Everyone falls silent. DORIS Your car? LIAM Yeah. I told it a joke about Chevy Chase and he thought it was really funny. His name is Chevy too and he's still coming to grips with missing the entire month of December. I'm taking him to see 'Lord of the Rings' at the drive in tonight. He was really looking forward to that one. DONNER Well, that's nice Liam. Oop! Do you hear that? (holding hand to ear) That's the toaster and it's calling you a NUTCASE!!! THAD Liam, cars don't talk... Well, unless you count KITT. BIPPO And that car from 'Frankenstein Unbound'. THAD Yeah, but that movie licked my cod. LIAM I'll prove it to you! ARTURO No proof is required, my boy. That movie did truly lick cod. LIAM NOT THE MOVIE! The CAR! I'll prove that the CAR talks! Come with me! Liam starts out the door. STACY Five will get you ten he's been talking to the radio. LIAM No, the car talks! Really it talks! CUT TO: EXT. UPDA CREEK PARKING LOT Liam and the gang are standing around the car. LIAM (shouting) TALK DAMN YOU! TALK! Silence. Everyone looks at Liam with a mixture of pity and amusement. LIAM No, seriously! It talked! We spent an hour discussing politics and the Superbowl! STACY Liam, when you decide to stop living in the wonderful fantasy land inside your head, call us. Everyone shakes their heads and walk away. LIAM But... But... I... CHEVY I thought they'd never leave. LIAM CHEVY! Why wouldn't you talk to them!? Now they think I'm crazy! CHEVY I was afraid. LIAM Afraid? CHEVY Yes... After being cast out by my previous owners, it's hard for me to trust humans. I suppose it would be hard for you to understand. LIAM Oh no! I DO understand! I was adopted! I'm sorry, Chevy... I should have thought about that. Can you ever forgive me? CHEVY Of course I forgive you. What are friends for? LIAM I tell you what, how about in addition to the movie, I spring for a wash and wax. CHEVY Yes, I am getting tired of your clown friend writing 'honk if you're horny' in the dust on my rear end. LIAM Great! We're going to have a great time, Chevy! All the fun and stuff I have planned, you won't know what hit you! Liam begins to skip away. CHEVY (silently) And neither will you. LIAM (turns) Excuse me? Music sting. CHEVY Wh...What? LIAM I thought you said something. CHEVY No I didn't! LIAM Yes you did... Something about "neither will I?" CHEVY (fumbling) Oh... er... I meant and neither will you... expect... all the fun you... have in store. LIAM Oh... (a beat) Cool! Liam turns to skip away. CHEVY (silently) That was close. LIAM (turns) Do what? Music sting. CHEVY Gah! LIAM What was close? CHEVY We... That is to say... That was a close moment we just had. Me and you... Best of friends! LIAM Oh. (a beat) Righty-oh! Liam skips away. Chevy wisely stays silent. FADE TO: EXT. A DESSERTED ROAD The car zooms down the road. INT. THE CAR Liam is looking out the window. We see that the car is actually driving itself. LIAM Chevy, are you sure that this is the way to the drive in? The movie starts in five minutes! Forty-Five if you count the commercials and trailers. CHEVY Don't worry, Liam... I know what I'm doing. The car stops. LIAM Uh... Chevy? What's wrong? CHEVY I don't know... There's something wring with my... uh... Rear... Differential axis. LIAM Your what? CHEVY It's in the trunk. It should be easy to fix. I'll talk you through it. Liam gets out of the car and walks to the trunk, popping it open. LIAM What the...!? INT. THE TRUNK There are dozens of pictures of Liam, newspaper clippings, and official documents all regarding Liam and his friends. LIAM Hey, there's a picture of me! And there's a picture of me! And THERE'S a picture of me! And There's another picture of me... And there's a-- CHEVY They're ALL pictures of you, Liam! LIAM That's sweet in a creepy maniacal stalker sort of way. Say, let's make an album! You've got the pictures and I'll get the- BAM! The trunk comes down bonking Liam on the head. LIAM BLORG! Liam falls into the trunk which slams shut. CHEVY BHAAAAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY Thad and Bippo enters. The car is on Liam's couch watching TV and has one of Liam's shirts stretched around it. Thad and Bippo see it. THAD Oh my GOD!!! BIPPO I don't BELIEVE IT! They run to the TV. BIPPO It's Kari Wuhrer's "What's Eating Gilbert's Grapes!" I thought they couldn't show this on TV anymore! THAD (to Chevy) Oh, hey Liam. CHEVY Hey guys. BIPPO Liam, have you gained weight? You look... Different somehow. CHEVY No, I am the same Liam you all know and love and definitely not a car with an obsessive and unstable artificial intelligence who wanted to take over his life, possessions, and friends and disposed of the real Liam Smith. Besides, I'm wearing one of Liam's... Er... I mean, MY shirts. See? THAD (Watching movie) Hey, you're preaching to the choir here, Liam. Donner enters. CHEVY Hi Donner. DONNER Liam, I was wondering if- Donner sees the car, turns around and walks out without saying a word. After a second, he sticks his head back in. DONNER Uh, Thad? Bippo? Could I have a word with you? THAD But Kari's toweling off now! DONNER NOW! Thad and Bippo sigh and then walk over to Donner. THAD I'm missing good tat for this. DONNER Have you guys noticed something... Well... Odd about Liam today? BIPPO Yeah, he's gotten a little chunky. That and he smells like burning oil and carbon monoxide. DONNER My God, are you two blind AND stupid!? THAD What? DONNER You mean you guys really can't see it? You've got to be kidding me. Donner storms into the apartment. DONNER (to Chevy) All right! I'm on to you! (a beat) You got a new haircut, didn't you Liam? CHEVY Yes, I got a new haircut and definitely did not incapacitate the real Liam Smith so that I may take over his life. DONNER That's a relief. Donner sits on the couch. THAD Hey! I was sitting there! DONNER The operative word being "was". THAD You...! Thad growls and is about to jump Donner when Arturo enters. BIPPO Hey professor. DONNER Hey, proff. CHEVY Greetings professor. ARTURO HOLY SH*T!!! It really DOES talk! Everyone looks at Arturo. DONNER Yeah, professor... Liam's been talking for years. The trick is getting him to shut up! ARTURO YOU IMBECILES!!! THAT ISN'T LIAM! DONNER Of course it's Liam. That IS Liam's shirt! ARTURO THAT'S LIAM'S CAR!!! CHEVY Nonsense. I am Liam Jay Smith resident of Upda Creek Apartments. ARTURO No you are not! You're that car he kept insisting that could talk! BIPPO Don't listen to him Liam. Gaining a few pounds is nothing to be ashamed of. Arturo is near the end of his rope. ARTURO I don't friggin' believe you guys! (a beat) All right, if this is really Liam... I bet he wouldn't mind answering a few questions. CHEVY No, I would not. ARTURO When's your birthday? CHEVY May 26th. ARTURO Where do you work? CHEVY Circus, Circus. ARTURO How many fingers am I holding up. CHEVY One... And that's very rude. ARTURO Sorry, Liam... I just thought you were acting a little funny and your son, Triumph was getting worried. CHEVY Well, you can tell my son that daddy is quite all right. ARTURO AH HA! CHEVY What? Did I miss one? Gimmie another chance! C'Mon! ARTURO Charlatan! You are NOT Liam Smith! CHEVY You are right, I am not and you four are the only ones who know. Therefore, YOU ALL MUST DIE!!! Chevy accelerates and heads toward Thad, Bippo, Donner, and Arturo who all jump out of the way before Chevy can run them down. Chevy crashes through the wall and door and into the hallway. DONNER HEY! I'm beginning to think that's not Liam at all! Arturo smacks him on the back of the head and all four of them make an escape. INT. THE HALLWAY Chocolate Treat is walking down the hall when the car crashes through the wall in front of her and crashes to a halt in the opposite wall. She walks around it and throws it a friendly smile. CHOCOLATE TREAT Hi, Liam. As Chocolate Treat exits frame, the car reverses and takes off down the hall. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Donner, Bippo, Thad, and Arturo are running out of the building and start down the street. BIPPO Good! The street! That car will never find us here and if it does, it will be totally out of it's element! ARTURO We have to get to a phone and call the police! Suddenly, the car tears around a corner in front of them. They stand frozen in terror. DONNER Impossible! How did it get in front of us so fast!? CHEVY It's simple, I... (a beat) Come to think of it, I have no idea. In fact, it make no logical sense. ARTURO But a talking car wanting to take over someone's life does? CHEVY I resemble that remark. VROOM! The car takes off after them. The group scatters except for Thad who jumps into the air and over the car. As he lands behind the car, he is transformed into WEREWOLF THAD who immediately takes off after the car barking and snapping at the bumper. EXT. UPDA CREEK PARKING LOT Arturo, Bippo, and Donner watch the car drive by with Thad running after it and barking. They exit frame to the right. WEREWOLF THAD (O.C.) Oh hell. Werewolf Thad runs by from the right. The car follows chasing him. ARTURO Lads, as much as I hate to say it... We have only two people to turn to. INT. JESSE AND JONATHAN'S APARTMENT Arturo, Bippo, and Donner are standing there having just explained to Jesse and Jonathan what the situation is. JESSE A homicidal, unstable, obsessive talking car, huh? That sounds somewhat familiar. DONNER Yes, I've been noticing a striking similarity to 'Single White Female' myself. JESSE No, not that... I mean... Jesse looks at Jonathan. JOHNATHAN You don't mean... (gasp) ...The WEASEL WAGON!? MUSIC DUM DAH DUMMMMMMMMMM!!! ARTURO What? You mean that ridiculous conveyance you keep wrecking every week or so? JESSE (scoffs) No, professor... We mean the vehicles we keep crashing. It was starting to drain our bank roll. JOHNATHAN And we like our bank roll. BIPPO I like jelly rolls. JESSE I'm a bad driver, I admit it. ARTURO So why don't you allow Jonathan to drive? JESSE Because he's worse than I am. Therefore, we had an idea... Why not invent the car that can drive itself? Better yet, why not give a car artificial intelligence do that it could take human characteristics! ARTURO And you did? JESSE (scoffs) Hell no. One, we didn't know how and two, we didn't know how. DONNER Then... HOW did you...? JOHNATHAN We ordered it from The Sharper Image. JESSE That and one of those robot cats from Japan. Bippo holds up an axe with a cat-shaped dent in the blade. BIPPO So THAT explains it! JOHNATHAN Sadly, the car was mentally deranged. It tried to kill Jesse and then take over as the Cosmic Weasel. DONNER What happened? JOHNATHAN Well, it took me a while to notice. You remember when we were shrunk? DONNER Unfortunately. JOHNATHAN Well, the car was masquerading as Jesse at the time. ARTURO Really? I thought he looked a little fat in that costume. JESSE Nevertheless, if that car has imprinted on him, his life is in great danger. In fact, it may already be too late. ARTURO But you're alive. JESSE Yeah, he stored me in his trunk for two months. I broke out and cut his brain thingy wire, so you'd think he would have learned from that mistake. INT. THE TRUNK Liam is bouncing around hitting all four walls. LIAM OWIE! OWIE! OWIE! EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS Werewolf Thad is once again chasing the car when suddenly, the car brakes and comes to a stop. Thad's runs into the back end. Slowly, Werewolf Thad stands up... The license plate is stuck to his face. WEREWOLF THAD Oh, God! I'M BLIND!!! The car accelerates, spins around and prepares to run Werewolf Thad over when suddenly... VOICE NIPPLAGE! KRAKA-DOOM! Lighting strikes and DOCTOR WHAM grabs Thad and shoves him out of the way as the car zooms by. COSMIC WEASEL joins them. COSMIC WEASEL Good save there, Doctor Wham. DOCTOR WHAM Thank you, Cosmic Weasel. Doctor Wham pulls the license plate off of Werewolf Thad's face leaving red imprinted letters that spell out "ASS" on his forehead. WEREWOLF THAD Yeah, thanks Jon. You really saved my... DOCTOR WHAM Ah, ah, ah! We only used our super hero names in the field, Furry Man. WEREWOLF THAD Furry Man? COSMIC WEASEL Yes. Furry Man. That's what we've decided to call you on the occasions you do super-heroing with us. WEREWOLF THAD But I don't want to be called Furry Man! DOCTOR WHAM Okay, how about Hairy McDoggieBoy? WEREWOLF THAD Furry Man it is. The car zooms up to them and stops. CHEVY Well, if it isn't my old owners, Doctor Wham and the Cosmic Weasel! DOCTOR WHAM Well, if it isn't the car. A beat. DOCTOR WHAM That's all I got. The car takes off after them. Cosmic Weasel rips a light pole out of the ground and wields it like a baseball bat. COSMIC WEASEL (to Chevy) It doesn't have to come to this, Chevy! We can work things out! We both have a lot in common, you know. CHEVY You mean we've both had men inside our rear-ends? COSMIC WEASEL Ye- NO! You son of a bitch! Now I remember why we got rid of you in the first place! Cosmic Weasel swings the light pole at the car. The car swerves out of the way and Cos accidentally smacks Werewolf Thad. WEREWOLF THAD Ouch! Werewolf Thad flies through the air and into the wall of a house. INT. A LITTLE GIRL'S BEDROOM. A CUTE LITTLE GIRL of about 5 is playing with her dolls when Werewolf Thad crashes through the wall and lands on the bed unconscious. CUTE LITTLE GIRL Kitty! EXT. THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS Cosmic Weasel looks at what he did. He tosses the pole to the side, puts his hands behind his back, and walks away whistling. EXT. THE STREET Doctor Wham and the car face off. CHEVY There's no way you can beat me, Doctor Wham. I have been anticipating this moment while my computerized consciousness was in limbo. I've calculated every action and reaction you might take. DOCTOR WHAM Oh yeah? Did you calculate just how long it would take for me to batter you into a tin can? CHEVY No, but I did factor in our ultimate fight to the death at Nipple Ledge. DOCTOR WHAM Where the hell is Nipple Ledge? BOOM! Lightning strikes and Doctor Wham is turned back into Johnathan. The car fires a dart at him. JOHNATHAN What the...!? GAH! The dart strikes him in the mouth. JOHNATHAN OW! What wath tttthat!? CHEVY A dart loaded with a little novocaine. Please, say your magic word and let's resume, shall we? JOHNATHAN Nip-puh! Uh... Nip-Whuh! NIF PLUH! The car zooms towards him. JOHNATHAN Oh, thuck. WHAM! The car hits him launching him into the air. EXT. THE STREET Cosmic Weasel is running towards the fight when Jonathan lands in front of him. Cosmic Weasel picks him up. COSMIC WEASEL Jon! Are you okay!? JOHNATHAN I'm thine! Go kicth that carth's assth! COSMIC WEASEL Will do! Cosmic Weasel drops Jonathan and faces off against the car. CHEVY So, Cosmic Pansy... It's you against me. Moron against machine. COSMIC WEASEL Hey, I'm not a machine... Unless you count ssssssex machine. CHEVY So Jonathan told me. COSMIC WEASEL Thanks, I... HEY! STOP THAT! Let's just get down to our obvious and cliched final fight, all right? CHEVY If you insist. VROOM! VROOM! The car revs up. Cosmic Weasel licks his finger, smooths out an eyebrow, and smiles. The car takes off towards him... Cosmic Weasel takes off after the car. COSMIC WEASEL WEASEL POWER!!! The car's horn bares the 'La Cucuracha' song. Cos and the car get closer and closer and closer and closer and closer and... OLD WOMAN THERE HE IS!!! GET HIM!!! COSMIC WEASEL Whu...!? CHEVY Who!? Thousands of little old ladies run screaming around the corner being led by the same little old lady from the beginning of the episode. OLD WOMAN (to the other old ladies) THAT'S HIM! THAT'S LIAM SMITH! CHEVY Who, me? OLD WOMAN (to the other old ladies) He's the won to got the super-duper ultra-ultra-super-phenominal-mega wow-wow nickel slot jackpot we were all going for! KILL HIM!!! OLD LADIES GET HIM! KILL HIM! RIP IS HEAD OFF! I WANT HIS BLOOD! The thousands of old ladies mob the car beating it with purses and stoning it with ribbon candy. One of the old ladies takes a nail file and slashes the tires preventing Chevy's escape. CHEVY NO! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG! I'M NOT LIAM SMITH! I'M NOT LIAM SMITH! OLD WOMAN Don't expect us to fall for that, Smith! I'd recognize that T-shirt anywhere! Cosmic Weasel is watching the melee. A steering wheel flies by him as well as some wiring, a car seat, and some hoses. We hear crashing, breaking, and metal being torn when suddenly, one of the old ladies' looks at her watch. OLD WOMAN Girls! Wheel of Fortune is on! OLD LADIES All hail the Wheel of Fortune! The old ladies disperse off to their respected old folks homes to watch the wheel leaving a beaten and quite dead Chevy car. Cosmic Weasel watched them go and then walks over to the car. COSMIC WEASEL (whining) But... I didn't get to have my predictable superhero fight! (a beat) Well, Chevy... I hope that getting killed has taught you a lesson about forming your own personality and not trying to steal someone elses. Yes, the road of evil takes many turns, but it's important not to be afraid of wrongdoers because... The trunk flies open. COSMIC WEASEL (high pitched) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Liam falls out obviously dizzy. LIAM I don't wanna go on the little tea cups! Liam shakes it off. LIAM Wow! What happened here! Cosmic Weasel, did you destroy my psychopathic car!? COSMIC WEASEL Yes, yes, yes... No need to thank me. LIAM What's with all the ribbon candy around? COSMIC WEASEL Uh... I had to use Master Tayokashi's lethal ribbon candy offensive against it. LIAM Well, thanks for saving me... But, speaking of offensive, where's everyone else? Bippo, Donner, Johnathan, and Arturo run up. DONNER We saw the whole thing! It was amazing! BIPPO Yeah, those little old ladies put the smackdown on your car, Liam! Liam gives Cosmic Weasel a look. LIAM Little... Old... Ladies? COSMIC WEASEL Uh... er... Uh.... BIPPO Waaaaait a minute! How do we know this is really our Liam Smith? I mean, that car already fooled us once! ARTURO (sighs) Oh, hell... All right. Liam, when's your birthday? LIAM May 26th. ARTURO Where do you work? LIAM Circus, Circus. ARTURO How many fingers am I holding up? LIAM One... And that's very rude. ARTURO All right, I'm convinced. BIPPO Yeah, your son... TRIUMPH was worried about you! LIAM My SON!? Oh, GOD! I never thought that night I got drunk and woke up in the pet store would come back to haunt me! GOD, NO!!! BIPPO All right, Liam, you've convinced us that you're really you... Even though now I wish you hadn't. (a beat) Hey, where's Thad? Werewolf Thad enters. His hair has curlers in it and he's got make-up smeared all over his face. WEREWOLF THAD Don't ask. CUTE LITTLE GIRL (O.S.) Kitty! WEREWOLF THAD Gotta run! Werewolf Thad runs away in terror. FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Thad, Jesse, Johnathan, Bippo, and Donner are watching TV when Arturo enters. ARTURO Is Liam not here yet? DONNER No, not yet. BIPPO He's running late too. Kari Wuhrer's "Dude, Where's My C*ck?' has already started and you KNOW how he's been looking forward to it. ARTURO So, I take it he didn't get another car? JOHNATHAN Are you kidding? I don't think Liam will ever be able to look at another car again. THAD Yeah, he said he was going to take the bus today. ARTURO Oh, then he should be here shortly, right? INT. A BUS Liam is sitting in the driver's seat as KEANU REEVES stands over him. The bus is moving very very fast. KEANU REEVES Whoa, like... Keep it over fifty! Like, whoa... If this bus, like, goes slower than fifty were, like, totally gonna die. LIAM (sighs) I need a bike. EXT. THE HIGHWAY The bus ramps over something and sails through the air over a giant gap in an overpass. KEANU REEVES (V.O.) Whooooooooooooooooooooooooa! LIAM What a minute, aren't you supposed to be dead? KEANU REEVES Whoa? FADE OUT: THE END