With Friends Like These...

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.26 - "With Friends Like These..."
Written by Jason Gaston

INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE ROCK and TANK and sitting around waiting when SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS appears in a wave of hellfire. ROCK D'ah, Miss Malevolous! Where've you been!? TANK We were worried sick! Poit! SENESTRA None of your concern, dunderheads! I was taking care of some business with someone who's coming to take over the world for Satan. ROCK Buh... I t'aught you was gonna take over duh world. SENESTRA Oh, Rocky... Rocky... Rocky. I'm not a young woman bent on world domination anymore. It's always been just a little out of my reach and with this... Worldkiller on it's way, I'm just going to have to settle for being the unconditional overlord of all of western Europe. She slumps in her chair. SENESTRA I've wasted my life and now I'm just begging for table scraps. TANK Duh-uh! You're the bestest mistress of evil I've ever known and d'ah know that if you put your mind to it, you could conquer anyt'ing you wanted to and that includes duh entire world! SENESTRA Oh, Tank... That's sweet, but what would be the point of owning the entire world when Worldkiller gets here? (an idea) Owning the entire world when Worldkiller gets here!? BRILLIANT! She jumps to her feet. SENESTRA If I hold the world in my sway when Satan's pen pal gets here, I will be seen as more powerful than Satan and Worldkiller will give the world to ME! ME! ME! MEEEEEEEE! ROCK You? SENESTRA Yes, me! TO THE SECRET LAB! TANK D'ah... I never knew we had a lab! SENESTRA I know... it was a secret. RIM SHOT FADE TO: INT. THE SECRET LAB - LATER Senestra, Rock, and Tank are hovering over a mixing board. SENESTRA Finally! MY GREATEST WORK COMPLEEETED! ROCK Uh... What is it? SENESTRA ROCK! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STAYING OUT OF MY LAH-BORE-AH TORY!? ROCK Buh... You told me to come inside with you. SENESTRA So I did. (indicates machine) This is the Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000! Music sting! Lighting crash. TANK Oh, one of those! SENESTRA With this, we can implant any subliminal message into the unwitting populace we want under the guise of harmless advertising for my casino! Now, all we need is a brainless person to be our unwitting spokesman and the WORLD will be MINE! TANK So, you want us to get Liam Smith, right? SENESTRA Of course. Music: BUM-BUM-BAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (TO THE THEME OF "MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE") Hell-o buddies, And welcome, To another episode. This show makes you lose brain cells! This show makes you lose brain cells! This show makes you lose brain cells! And it's not that good. This show makes you lose brain cells! This show makes you lose brain cells! This show makes you lose brain cells! And it's not that good. Reader beware! OLE! -------------------------------------------------------------- THE LIAM SMITH SHOW IS A WORK OF FICTION. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO ANY OTHER SHOW YOU MAY HAVE SEEN IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO A SHOW YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IS ALSO COINCIDENTAL, BUT I WILL TAKE CREDIT FOR IT. FADE IN: INT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS Liam is at his empty blackjack table making a gigantic card house. He's about to put the final two cards on the top when JESSE and JONATHAN enters and sits in front of him. JONATHAN HI LIAM! Liam calmly puts the last two cards on the house and smiles. LIAM Perfect. JONATHAN (disgruntled) I said... HI LIAM!!! Jonathan kicks the table a couple of times trying to topple the house. LIAM Try all you want, Jon. I took the liberty of gluing every card together to make the perfect card house. JONATHAN Well, how are you supposed to deal blackjack? Liam stops and looks. LIAM Hell. (to the side) Bippo? Would you...? Bippo jumps into frame, strikes a match, sets the card house on fire, and jumps back out. LIAM Well, that's another days work up in smoke. Senestra, Rock, and Tank enter. SENESTRA SMITH! Is your blackjack station on fire!? LIAM Uh... I... er... Yes. SENESTRA Excellent. How would you like to be the new advertising spokesman for Circus, Circus? LIAM Huh? SENESTRA We need someone to go out on a national tour to promote the casino to people out in the sticks and we think you're that... LIAM This has something to do with you trying to take over the world, doesn't it? SENESTRA BLAST! He's on to us! LIAM Sorry ma'am. I'll try to be a little more dense in the future. SENESTRA See to it! (silently) Where am I going to find someone so clueless that they won't suspect what we're planning on doing? The camera angles over to Jesse and Jonathan still sitting at the burning table. JESSE You see, Jon, it's a little known fact that the human body can withstand even the hottest fire for exactly one hour. Jesse sticks his hand in the fire and looks at his watch on the other hand. A few seconds pass. JONATHAN You smell barbecue? JESSE Yeah, smells yummy. Wait, I forgot... What's shorter, an hour or a second? JONATHAN A second. JESSE Oh, sh*t. Jesse screams and starts running around the casino with his arm on fire. LIAM (yelling) STOP DROP AND ROLL, JESSE!!! The camera pans back over to Senestra, Rock, and Tank. Senestra has a large grin plastered on her face. SENESTRA Delicious. A bright flickering light grows off screen. SENESTRA With this... Jesse in tow as our new spokesman, I WILL RULE THE WORLD! Smoke billows into frame. SENESTRA Rock, hit the fire alarm, would you? Rock rams his fist in the wall destroying the alarm. SENESTRA Rock! ROCK D'ah... Rock do a bad t'ing? SENESTRA (a beat) Aw to hell with it. Let's get lunch. They exit as the casino fills with smoke and people screaming. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is watching TV with Thad, Bippo, and Donner when there is a knock at the door. Liam gets up to answer it and, when he opens the door, we see SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS!!! LIAM GAH! DONNER, THAD, & BIPPO GAH! SENESTRA GAH! DONNER It's that crazy evil bitch! THAD She's come to kill me! BIPPO My balls itch! LIAM M-Miss Malevolous! What are YOU doing here!? SENESTRA I've come for Jesse Glaspey! LIAM Well, that's a relief. He's holed up in the basement with Jonathan Kruger. They're partners. SENESTRA Smith, if I wanted a detailed accounting of his sex life, I would have asked for it. Senestra slams to the door in his face. Liam rubs his nose and looks at the others. He shrugs. INT. JONATHAN AND JESSE'S PLACE ARTURO is lecturing JONATHAN and JESSE on something. ARTURO Simply put, lads... I don't care if glow-in-the-dark paint might save on the electric bills, it's not feasible and it's been proven that the radium in that paint causes cancer! JESSE But it's so cool! Especially if you use it as a toothpaste, see? Jonathan reaches over and flicks the light off sending the room into total darkness with the exception of a bright green glowing smile. ARTURO My God! You're like the Cheshire Cat! JESSE Because my teeth glow? JONATHAN Because you're a pussy. JESSE You're a pussy! JONATHAN YOU'RE a pussy! JESSE You're a pussy! JONATHAN No, you! JESSE You! JONATHAN You! JESSE YOU! JONATHAN YOU! JESSE YOU SHUT UP! JONATHAN NO, YOU SHUT UP! JESSE You SHUT UP! JONATHAN NO, YOU SHUT UP! SENESTRA WHY DON'T YOU BOTH SHUT UP!!!??? A beat. The light is clicked on and Senestra, Rock, and Tank are suddenly standing there. JONATHAN Uh... Can we help you? SENESTRA I've come for Jesse Glaspey. JESSE Reeeeeeally? (a beat) W-Wait, this isn't some kind of a paternity suit, is it? SENESTRA No. JESSE Then I'm him. SENESTRA Jesse, I'm Senestra Malevolous of Circus, Circus... A division of Tyrannicorp. I'm interested in hiring you to be the spokesman for Circus, Circus. It's a cross country tour and it leaves in thirty minutes. JESSE I'll do it! Senestra takes a wad of cash out of her purse. SENESTRA (forceful) Oh yeah, well would ten million dollars change your...? She stops and shoves the money back inside. SENESTRA Wonderful. Be at the airport in 30 minutes! Senestra, Rock, and Tank leave. JESSE Did you head that buddy? We're on our way on a cross country trip! ARTURO I'm very happy for you lads, but I would advise caution... Senestra Malevolous is an notorious super villain and has tried to conquer the world numerous times. JONATHAN Well, duh! JESSE Who do you think stopped her all those times? ARTURO Capeman. A beat. JESSE Okay... Uh... Jesse looks at Jonathan. JONATHAN Uh... I got nothing. JESSE Well, I do! (points) GOOD GOD, WHAT'S THAT! Arturo turns to look. Jesse and Jonathan sneak out the back. INT. LAS VEGAS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Jesse and Jonathan walk past a row of limo drivers holding signs for "JOHNSON WEINER", "DICK WANG", "ROD LONGPOLE", and "WILLIE JOHN-THOMAS". The second to the last driver is holding a sign that says "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" the last driver is MICHAEL DORN holding a sign that says "WILL WORF FOR FOOD". JESSE Man, the security procedures here at the airport are really strict these days. JONATHAN Tell me about it. My ass is killing me. They walk up to Senestra, Rock, and Tank. SENESTRA Ah, good... You're here. The plane is boarding right now so let's be off. Here's your ticket. She hands a ticket to Jesse. Jonathan stands there with his hand open waiting for his. JONATHAN Ahem. A silence. JONATHAN Cough. Cough. AHEM! SENESTRA Of course, how silly of me. Senestra hands him a Riccola. Jonathan looks rather hurt. JONATHAN B-But, I didn't get a ticket. SENESTRA Sorry, I don't bode into that Disneyland plan that life partners are family members. You stay here. JONATHAN But I like Disneyland. Jesse, I want to go! JESSE Sorry, buddy! But it's time I wents off and mades myself famous! See you in a few months! Jesse, Senestra, Rock, and Tank board the plane. INT. THE PLANE Jesse is sitting by a window seat. Outside, the plane is zooming down the runway. Jonathan is running beside the plane. Jesse rolls down the window and sticks his head out. JONATHAN JESSE! JESSE! JESSE WHAT!? WE'RE TAKING OFF! JONATHAN WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THE BOILER!? JESSE DUCT TAPE IT! I'M SURE IT WON'T BLOW UP FOR A WHILE! JONATHAN WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK! YOU KNOW HOW CRAPPY MY LONG TERM MEMORY IS! JESSE HERE! TAKE THIS TO REMEMBER ME BY! Jesse tosses Jonathan a pocket watch. JONATHAN BUT THIS IS YOUR FATHER'S WATCH! JESSE IT'S OKAY! IT DOESN'T WORK! JONATHAN CAN I PAWN IT? CLANG! Jonathan runs into a pole and Jesse's plane takes off. FADE TO: INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Jonathan sits on the lobby couch as LIAM, BIPPO, THAD, and ARTURO look on. LIAM How long has he been like this? ARTURO Eight hours. He just stares at the opposite wall and doesn't move. He doesn't even blink! BIPPO Wow, he misses Jesse that much? LIAM Well, they are partners after all. THAD Well, is there anything we can do? BIPPO We could put him out of his misery. LIAM Good idea, Bippo. EVERYONE Say what? LIAM Let's put Jonathan out of his misery by giving him something to do around here! Professor, can't you give him some kind of a job? ARTURO A job? HIM!? You've got to be KIDDING me! LIAM Okay, something where he can't destroy anything. Jon once told me he dropped out of accounting school after a couple of hours. Why not ask him to do finances for the place? I mean, it's not like he can make things worse! Arturo thinks about this. ARTURO You do have a point. All right, in the interest of morbid curiosity, I will give Jon the job. FADE TO: EXT. DOWNTOWN NORTH DAKOTA We see the establishing shot of a two-bit motel that charges by the hour called the "PLOP N PUMP" SUBTITLE: "NORTH DAKOTA: THE FLAT BORING STATE" INT. THE MOTEL Jesse is looking out the window at the flat barren wasteland that is North Dakota. JESSE Good God, it's like I'm staring into the abyss and the abyss is staring back at me! SENESTRA It's North Dakota. JESSE GAH! How did you get in my room! SENESTRA I have my ways. Jesse looks at the wall. There is a Senestra-shaped hole in the wall. JESSE I see. SENESTRA It's time to go on North Dakota's number one radio station, KSNM. JESSE They're number one? SENESTRA They have a listenership of two dozen. JESSE Two DOZEN? SENESTRA That's a full quarter of the state. JESSE Oh. I see they've gone up with the last census. SENESTRA There you are commanded to tell everyone about what a great place Circus, Circus is. Now come on. JESSE I'll get the door for you. SENESTRA Unnecessary. Senestra walks through the wall and out of sight. EXT. KSNM We see the radio station... a metal shed out in the middle of nowhere. Jesse is getting ready to talk on the radio. JESSE I've never been on the radio before. I'm a little nervous. SENESTRA Really, then take this. Senestra hands him a pill. JESSE What is it? SENESTRA It's something that will leave EVERYONE hanging on your every word! JESSE It looks like a little microphone. SENESTRA It's the beta carotene. Now, SWALLOW THE PILL! Jesse swallows the pill and goes into the control room. SENESTRA Excellent. ROCK! TANK! Rock and Tank snap to attention. SENESTRA Ready the Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000! Rock and Tank run out the door. EXT. KSNM Rock and Tank run out of the studio and turns on the machine sticking out of the back of Senestra's car. INT. KSNM Jesse is in the control room talking to a 900 pound balding DJ with a ponytail and an AC/DC T-Shirt. DJ With us today is Jesse Glaspey, the spokesman of the Circus Circus casino in Las Vegas. Thanks for being on the show. JESSE Thanks for having me. DJ Let's talk about... JESSE And I want to stress to everyone I meant, "Thanks for having me on the show" and not "Thanks for having me" in a sexual sense. DJ Okay. Let's talk about... JESSE Because for some reason, a lot of people think that I and my heterosexual life-mate are gay. DJ Right, but what about... JESSE And we're not. We are the most not gay people in the world. DJ About Circus Cir... JESSE Why do you think that everyone thinks that we're gay? Is it a vibe I give off or a... SENESTRA (O.C.) TALK ABOUT THE CASINO OR I WILL DE MASCILINATE YOU! JESSE Circus Circus is the best casino in the world. They've got thousands of sluts. DJ Sluts? JESSE (peers at script) Slots. DJ Damn. EXT. KSNM Rock and Tank turn on the Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000! A weird wobbling sound effect starts. INT. KSNM Jesse is still rambling about Circus Circus when the DJ suddenly goes into a trance. JESSE Even though I think they water down the drinks, they've got a decent bar and... DJ (spaced out) I. Must. Say. That. Circus. Circus. Sounds. Like. A. Wonderful. Place. So. Much. So. That. We. Should. Make. Senestra. Malevolous. Our. Leader. JESSE Well, I wouldn't do THAT far. DJ ALL HAIL SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS! JESSE I... uh... what? SENESTRA Delicious! JESSE I'm hungry. INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Jonathan is busy going over the books. He has a slide-rule, a calculator, and abacus, and a visor. Arturo looks on as Liam enters. LIAM Professor, I think I should tell you that my ceiling fan just caught on fi-- ARTURO (shhh's him) He's been at it for hours. Liam looks at Jonathan. LIAM At what? ARTURO He's been going over the books. Checking our finances and expenditures and then rechecking them. I actually think he's taking this seriously! LIAM Oh, come on professor! This IS Jon we're talking abou-- JONATHAN Ah... HA! Liam and Arturo jump in fright. ARTURO What the bloody hell is it? JONATHAN I've just finishing balancing your grossly mismanaged ledger and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Arturo grumbles and takes it from him. ARTURO Mismanaged my Ph.D. having ass. (he looks) This CAN'T be right! JONATHAN Indeed it is. LIAM What is it? ARTURO Jon! You must be some kind of an Idiot Savant! JONATHAN Oh yeah? Well you're a toad-eating crap-smelling limey FATASS! ARTURO It was a compliment, you wanker. JONATHAN Oh... well what's a "wanker?" ARTURO (a beat) It's a compliment too. (re: ledger) I still don't believe it! Jon has balanced our books and slashed our operating costs so much that the apartments are making twice as much money as they ever have! Jon, you are amazing! JONATHAN Seven years of a two-year community college... You sort of pick things up about Math and Science. LIAM Such as? JONATHAN Math sucks. Science blows. Arturo pats Jon on the back. ARTURO You are indeed a God-send, Mister Kruger. A God-send indeed. Arturo walks out. JONATHAN (to Liam) I'm surprised he didn't say anything about me doing the books in crayon. EXT. NORTH DAKOTA Jesse is walking down the street. He happens on a pair of North Dakotans. JESSE Excuse me, could you tell me what time it is? NORTH DAKOTAN #1 It is time to pledge our lives to the goddess of evil, Senestra Malevolous! They walk off. Jesse approaches another passerby. JESSE Excuse me, can you tell me which way I have to go to find the Plop N Pump motel? NORTH DAKOTAN #2 There is only one way. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' WAY! He walks off. Jesse approaches another passerby. JESSE Excuse me, what's with everyone here? NORTH DAKOTAN #3 We have simply gone under the iron thumb of our savior and queen, Senestra Malevolous! He walks off. JESSE Something isn't right, but I just can't put my finger on it. EXT. SENESTRA'S MOTEL ROOM Jesse knocks on the door. There is no answer. He sees a note on the door. He picks it up and reads it. JESSE (reading) Dear Jesse, I have gone to partake of the love and affection of the North Dakotan people whom I have bent to my will thanks to your participation in the first phase of my scheme to take over the world. (a beat, to himself) She misspelled scheme. (reading again) P.S.: Do not under any circumstances enter my room. Jesse puts down the note. JESSE What the hell could she be planning? Well, she told ME not to enter the room... not THE COSMIC WEASEL!!! Jesse runs to a phone booth and shuts the door. The phone booth bangs around for a few minutes and Jesse re-emerges in the Cosmic Weasel costume. He takes a few steps and then realizes that his zipper is down. He zips up and runs over to the door. COSMIC WEASEL Now to get inside this room of evil! DOCTOR WHAM! Help me break down the... (a beat, sadly) Oh... I forgot. Cosmic Weasel punches the door shattering it. He walks inside. INT. SENESTRA'S MOTEL ROOM There are black leather bras all over the place with silver studs. Cosmic Weasel takes a gasp of wonder, but then shakes it off. COSMIC WEASEL No! Must control weaselistic mating urges! Must... PUSH... THROUGH! THE PROFESSOR NAKED ON A COLD DAY! THE PROFESSOR NAKED ON A COLD DAY! THE PROFESSOR NAKED ON A... (a beat) There... That did it. Cosmic Weasel goes over to the Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000. COSMIC WEASEL I wonder what THIS is? He picks up the INSTRUCTION MANUEL and starts reading. COSMIC WEASEL (reading) Thank you for purchasing the Mega Zeta Sublimatron 5000 from EvilCo, the leading maker of evil products since 1897. (he flips ahead) How to use your Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000 to take over the world. Step one: find a desolate area with very few people to test the devise. Step two: Find a witless half-brain to spread the subliminal message of your choice. This person must NOT suspect that he is a pawn in a game he cannot begin to understand. An idiot would be perfect to use and then destroy afterwards. (a beat, to himself) Man, I feel sorry for THAT chump! (reading) Once you safely establish control, you may spread your influence to the world. Cosmic Weasel throws the book down. COSMIC WEASEL Well, I know what THIS calls for. I've trashed many a hotel room in my day, but NEVER to save the world! (giddy) I'm so HAPPY! EXT. THE MOTEL We hear zaps and crashing and breaking things. A puff of smoke appears from a window. FADE TO: INT. SENESTRA'S MOTEL ROOM Senestra slowly opens the door which comes off it's hinges. She throws the door aside and enters the wrecked room. Rock and Tank appear behind her. Everything in the room has been pulverized including Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000. The words "THE COSMIC WEASLE WAS HERE"... of course the word "weasel" is misspelled. SENESTRA I don't believe it! Something called a Cosmic Weasel has DESTROYED the Mega-Zeta Sublimatron 5000! Jesse appears. He is out of costume. JESSE (overacting innocence) What's going on? My GOODNESS! Someone has wrecked your room! SENESTRA Yes... and it appears that my plan to take over the world has been thwarted... again. ROCK D'ah... Well, look on dah bright side! You DID conquer North Dakota. SENESTRA You're right, Rock... I can put that up in my trophy case under the heading "Worthless Crap I've Taken Over". Hell, I'm tired... let's go home. And one day, my friends... I will catch this Cosmic Weevil and... JESSE Weasel. SENESTRA What? JESSE I'm a Cosmic We... I mean, HE'S the Cosmic Weasel! SENESTRA Yeah, who the HELL is the Cosmic Weasel anyway? JESSE He's the premier superhero of Las Vegas along with his partner, Doctor Wham! They... SENESTRA Oh, the gay couple. JESSE The what? SENESTRA The gay superheroes. JESSE I will have you know that they are NOT gay! In fact, they are the most masculine superheroes on the planet! I'd give anything to be them! Senestra gives Rock and Tank a look. SENESTRA (smirks) I see... Well, I'm famished. Before we go back to Las Vegas, let's get something to eat. FRUIT perhaps? Rock and Tank snicker. JESSE (clueless) Fruit is good. They turn and walk out the door. SENESTRA Perhaps I can get you a sausage? Maybe have you eat some sausage and nuts? JESSE That would be great! SENESTRA What about fish? You like fish? JESSE I love fish! SENESTRA Great, because I think you'll like a great big COD! JESSE Maybe. SENESTRA How about PUFFER? JESSE Aren't those dangerous? SENESTRA We'll give you some protection. FADE TO: INT. UPDA CREEK LOBBY Arturo is sitting back looking pleased with himself as JESSE enters carrying a suitcase. JESSE I'm back! ARTURO Ah, Jesse my boy! Good to see you! JESSE Professor, you look like the cat that ate the canary! (a beat) You... didn't eat a canary, did you? ARTURO Jesse, I've got to tell you that your partner is a wiz when it comes to accounting! While you've been gone, he's single-handedly turned this place around! JESSE That's great! Where is...? Liam and Jonathan enter. JONATHAN Jesse! JESSE Jon! Jesse and Jonathan run to each other in slow motion as Liam and Arturo look on with confused expressions. Finally, when Jesse and Jon meet, they shake hands. JONATHAN I heard Senestra took over North Dakota. JESSE Yeah. I talked to the Justice Squad but apparently, no one really cares. What have you been up to? JONATHAN Oh, I've been putting numbers in the little book things that the professor gave me. He seems happy so I guess I did a good job. I just hope he doesn't find out that I didn't have the slightest idea what I was doing and have probably just bankrupted the apartments through my inept but well intentioned bumbling. (a beat) Perhaps saying that out loud wasn't such a good idea? ARTURO (looming over them) YOU BLISTERING NO-GOOD BRAINLESS F*CKING IDIOT! JONATHAN Oh, professor, I was just... RUN! Jonathan and Jesse take off out the door. Arturo runs after them, crashing THROUGH the door and pursuing them down the street. Liam looks at the camera and shrugs. LIAM C'est la vie! Liam stands there looking at the camera for a very long time, looking more and more uncomfortable. He finally inches his way out of frame. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Jesse and Jonathan run into the sunset as a raging Arturo chases after them. Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" plays loudly as the picture fades. FADE OUT: