Attack of the Clowns THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Episode 3.27 - "Attack of the Clowns" Written by Jason Gaston EXT. A VAST STARFIELD The STAR WARS fanfare (The Meco Disco Remix) blasts as the title "THE LIAM SMITH SHOW" races away from the camera and into the background. The following text slowly crawls onto the screen. EPISODE MCMLXXXVIII (GIVE OR TAKE AN "I") For years the United States Government has been maintaining a top secret facility in the desert of Nevada known only by the code name AREA 69. Officially, the government denies the existence of this base, but factions of conspiracy buffs and believe that it is the area where the government is keeping anything from ALIEN SPACECRAFTS to the MISSING FLORIDA BALLOTS. Even now, a group of X FILES JUNKIES - who have only had a passing interest in the series since the departure of Mulder and who think that FOX should have given The Lone Gunman a fair chance - are infiltrating the base to learn the secrets held within. The text crawls almost completely out of frame. Seriously, though... The Lone Gunmen was way better that than the crap being passed off as the X Files these days. Seriously. Robert Patrick can suck my ass! The words slowly crawl out of sight and we see nothing but twinkling stars. The camera pans down into the city of Las Vegas until we finally see: INT. AN ALLEYWAY - NIGHT CAPTAIN SPAZ runs down the alley gasping for breath. His uniform is in shreds and what looks like spatters of creme pie are on his back. He reaches a dead end and turns around as several dark shadows overtake him and maniacal laughter his heard. CAPTAIN SPAZ How the HELL did I get into this mess!? RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. THE NEVADA DESERT - NIGHT The camera pans down and we see the top secret military base, AREA 69. We see a few dark figures sneaking around the perimeter. SUBTITLE: "AREA 69 - (BEFORE HE GOT INTO THIS MESS)" EXT. AREA 69 - NIGHT A closer view. GEEK, DORK, PANSY, and WUSS-BOY are sneaking around. GEEK takes out a pair or wire cutters and starts cutting a hole in the fence. DORK I'm not sure this is such a good idea! He takes a puff of his inhaler. Geek slaps it out of his hand. GEEK You know and I know that there's lot's of cool alien stuff in here! When we get pictures of it and post it to our website, we'll double our hits! PANSY Can't we just fake our findings like Ain't It Cool News? GEEK No! Now shut up and come on! INT. AREA 69 Dork, Geek, Pansy, and Wuss-Boy are walking through the walls. WUSS-BOY This is vaguely reminiscent of The Doctor Who labyrinth episode with K 9. PANSY I was thinking more along the lines of Star Trek's "Devil in the Dark". GEEK Security is awfully lax, don't you think? DORK Oh hey, look! It's an army helmet! The Dork picks up the helmet revealing that there is a SEVERED HUMAN HEAD in it. The Dork screams like a woman, wets himself, and starts crying. GEEK Michael Eisner's Spirit! WUSS-BOY T-T-This is just like the Ridley Scott classic, "Alien"! DORK More like X Files episode 3.17! WUSS-BOY Oh, EVERYTHING IS X FILES EPISODE 3.17 TO YOU!!! PANSY All of you! Cease talking and LOOK! He points. Down the corridor, the halls are covered with bulletholes, blood, and gunk and the floor is littered with solider parts. WUSS-BOY It's a massacre! GEEK Just like the massacre of Wolf 359! PANSY Just like the destruction of Alderaan! DORK Just like X Files Episode 3.17! PANSY Obviously, something here made mince meat of everyone in the base! DORK What if it's still here? Like in the underrated modern movie classic "Deep Rising"? WUSS-BOY Or "The Thing?" The classic and not that crappy John Carpenter remake. PANSY THE REMAKE WAS NOT CRAPPY! (crying, high voice) STOP SAYING IT WAS CRAPPY! WUSS-BOY (to pansy) Pull yourself together man! You're the smartest and most clever one out of all of us! Remember the time you zinged Brannon Bragga at Smash-Con 1999 with your "Seven of Nine Show" quip? PANSY Yeah, that showed him! WUSS-BOY Like I said, you're the smartest out of all of us and our only hope of getting out of here alive. So... WHAT SHOULD WE DO!? Pansy opens his mouth to speak, but his chest explodes in a shower of blood and crap. The tip of a GIANT RED CLOWN SHOE sticks out of the body cavity. Wuss-Boy, Dork, and Geek scream in terror and run. INT. AREA 69 Geek, Dork, and Wuss-Boy tear around a corner screaming. Wuss-Boy looks behind them where dozens of LIVING BALLOON DOGGIES are chasing them snapping and barking. Wuss-Boy trips and the balloon doggies attack him. Geek and Dork can only watch helplessly as he is torn to pieces by the inflated infuriated rubber pooches. They turn and run. INT. AREA 69 Dork and Geek round the corner and come face to face with several dark figures with bushy red hair and funny hats. They scream as the figures surround them and advance. EXT. AREA 69 - NIGHT We hear the Geek and Dork scream bloody murder. We then hear a slash, a gurgle, and a crunching sound. The screams stop and we hear the sound of a honker horn. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (TO THE THEME OF "MARRIED WITH CHILDREN") In Vegas City In Vegas City Is the setting of a show that sh*tty. You read it all here on you computer, or print it off and read it on the pooper. And now it's due time, Now it's due time. At least it will be after all these lame rhymes. To read the next installment, A word that rhymes with installment. OLE! --------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"

Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

Special Guest Star

The Rock
as
"Hippo the Ultraclown"

The Liam Smith Show: Now 99.99 percent free of redeeming social values!

FADE IN: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam and Thad are watching the news. CHIP BEAVERMILK (on TV) Hello, and welcome to Las Vegas news at six. I'm Chip Beavermilk. We now go live to Connie Lingus out in the Nevada desert for a special report. CONNIE LINGUS (on TV) Thank you, Chip. Behind me, you see the until-now top-secret military base known only as Area 69 now a burning ruin of death and devastation. I do not think that I am alone in saying... Thank GOD this is sweeps! LIAM (awed) Wow. Thad farts. Liam and Thad start laughing. CONNIE LINGUS (on TV) It is unknown who or what is responsible for this melee of death and pain, but one thing is for sure... whatever it was, it was being held at this top secret base and is currently on the loose. CHIP BEAVERMILK (on TV) Even though that was technically two things, thank you Connie. With me now is social expert, Hugh G. Rection. Hugh, would you say that this is good reason for the public to panic? HUGH G. RECTION (on TV) In my professional opinion? Yes. CHIP BEAVERMILK (on TV) Thank you, Hugh. We'll have more on this shocking story and growing public panic at ten as well as a special expose on a new invention that can remove salt from millions of gallons of seawater. Is it a god-send, or as the Republican GOP says... the work of the DEVIL!? THAD Amazing! Can you imagine what that would mean to the impoverished nations of the third world? LIAM Yeah, they'd have enough salt to last a lifetime! Bippo enters. LIAM Hey, Bippo, what's going on? BIPPO It's terrible! It's awful! It's horrible! It's the worst thing imaginable! It could be the end of life as we all know it! THAD What is it? LIAM Tell us! BIPPO Kathie Lee has released another album! THAD My GOD! BIPPO Oh, also... if a large face-painted bloke called Hippo the Ultraclown comes looking for me, I'm not here. Okay? LIAM Hippo the Ultraclown? Who's that? BIPPO No one important. The doorbell rings. BIPPO Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in here. Bippo runs to Liam's room and slams the door. Liam and Thad look at each other then Liam answers the door. Standing there is a hulking man in armored clown attire who stands at least 7 and a half feet tall. This is, of course, HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN. Around him are five other clowns who stare on maniacally breathing heavily. LIAM (swallows) Uh... hello. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Hello pink-skined non-clown type person, I'm Hippo the Ultraclown. These are my friends, Wippo the Clown, Dippo the Clown, Shippo the Clown, Gippo the Clown, and Lippo the Clown. LIAM Hello, Ultraclown and his very scary friends. I'm Liam Not A Clown. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Hello, Liam. Would you be so clown kind as to tell me where I can clown-find Bippo the Clown? LIAM (scratches chin) Bippo the Clown? Bippo the Clown? Thad, do know a Bippo the Clown? THAD (clueless) Yeah. Liam stops and gives Thad a glare. LIAM Oh yeah, Bippo the Clown. I'm afraid we haven't seen him. Last we saw him was two or three... uh... THAD Seconds ago. Liam gives Thad another annoyed look. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Well, when you clown-see him... Tell him that HIPPO the ULTRACLOWN is clown-looking for him and would like to discuss matters of clown ology. THAD Oh, next time we're in the bedroom we'll let him know. HIPPO leaves. Liam looks at Thad with his hands on his hips, tapping his foot. THAD (still clueless) What? Bippo comes out of the bedroom. BIPPO Are they gone? LIAM Yeah, for now... what was all that about, Bippo? BIPPO Oh... Uh... Nothing. LIAM Don't you tell me nothing, young man, now come clean! We just risked our spines and internal organs for you! BIPPO All right, all right, all right... It's time to level with you. It's time for me to tell you the story of my origin. Liam and Thad slump. LIAM Awwwwww.... THAD Again? LIAM Bippo, so far you've told us exactly thirty-three separate origin stories. THAD In one, you were given an enchanted red nose by the Clown Lantern Corps. LIAM In another, you were dropped in a vat of toxic chemicals that bleached your skin. THAD You were the son of Zues and a mortal. LIAM Then you were put in a basket and sent down a river by your mother so that you may one day return and liberate your people from the Egyptians!. THAD And THEN you were bitten by a clown at a circus and forced to turn into one yourself and we all know that anything remotely like that is completely impossible! BIPPO I know, I know, I know... but this time I'm serious... I need to tell you where I really came from. Thad and Liam stare at Bippo who retains a cold serious stare. LIAM You're serious? BIPPO I'm serious. THAD Really? BIPPO Really. LIAM Well then, we'd better call the professor... he should hear this too. ARTURO (O.C.) I wouldn't miss this for all the tea in China! Thad, Liam, and Bippo look. Arturo is sitting on the couch next to them. LIAM How the HELL do you DO that? ARTURO How do I do what? THAD Appearing and disappearing! You're like Batman, only you're old and fat and I shudder to imagine you in black rubber! ARTURO It probably has something to do with your MTV-diminished attention spans coupled with the fact that you... (sighs, snaps fingers) Liam, Thad, Bippo... try to focus. Liam, Thad, and Bippo - whose attention has wandered - turn and look at him. THAD Sorry professor. You lost us for a second. ARTURO Perhaps if I had that boy-toy Carson Daily interrupting me every fifteen seconds, I could retain your attention. Nevertheless... Bippo, it's time for you to tell us the story of your origin and for God's sake, come clean with us this time! No more business about being an android from the 823rd century! BIPPO Right... You may not believe this, but I was once a normal human being... RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A SMALL TOWN The camera passes a sign that identifies the town as "Bumfükenegypt, Utah". SUBTITLE: "1996 - THE YEAR OF THE WOMBAT" BIPPO (V.O.) I was called "Bill" back then. I was young and eager. Having just graduated High School and lost my virginity to the English teacher... I was ready to face the world full on. INT. A BEDROOM A messy bedroom. Posters on the wall for "INDEPENDENCE DAY" and the Taco Bell dog hang in the dirty room as BILL plays a Gameboy. BILL'S MOM enters. BIPPO (V.O.) I was eighteen when my mother finally said to me those three magical words. BILL'S MOM You're kicked out. BILL Sh*t. EXT. THE STREET Bill is walking along the street with a suitcase in one hand and a Gameboy in the other. BIPPO (V.O.) I was out on the street. Alone, destitute and out of AA batteries. I was at the end of my young rope when suddenly, I was offered a ray of hope. A black car pulls up next to Bill. The window rolls down and a very stern looking man in a black suit leans out. MAN Kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you candy. BILL All right. Bill throws down his suitcase and jumps in the car which speeds off. FADE TO: INT. AN OPERATING ROOM - BILL'S POV We see several doctors standing over him with scalpels and instruments. Lights shine from overhead. BIPPO (V.O.) Silly me... the guy in the car was actually a military General working a top secret project and kidnapping delinquents from off the street. DOCTOR Scalpel. The doctor is handed a scalpel. His hand begins bleeding. DOCTOR Handle first next time. He uses it and tosses it aside. DOCTOR Forceps. The doctor is handed a pair of forceps. He uses them and tosses them aside. DOCTOR Rib spreader. The doctor is handed a rip spreader. He uses it - making a disgusting crunching sound - and tosses it aside. A cat jumps on Bill's open chest. DOCTOR Get that cat out of here! Someone grabs the cat and runs to the door with it. FADE TO: INT. A LAB Two doctors and the General enter. BIPPO (V.O.) Over the course of six months, I was subjected to dozens of godless experiments and procedures until, finally, they had done their work. DOCTOR #1 We've subjected him to dozens of godless experiments and procedures and now, finally, we've finished our work. DOCTOR #2 There he is. What do you think? They look. BIPPO THE CLOWN is sitting there. GENERAL He's a clown. DOCTOR #1 (grinning) Yep. GENERAL Why is he a clown? DOCTOR #2 We did research. DOCTOR #1 And it turns out that millions of people have an irrational fear of clowns. DOCTOR #2 We figured that giving your military super-solider the guise of a clown would be perfect! GENERAL (sighs) All right, whatever. What do we call it. DOCTOR #1 Weapon Pi. GENERAL Why do you call it Weapon Pi? SPLAT! A cream pie hits the general in the face. Bippo sits with his hands behind his back whistling to himself. FADE TO: INT. A LAB More clowns are being prepped by the scientists. BIPPO (V.O.) Over the following months, more of the super-clowns were made. The government was building an army of Weapon Pi Soldiers. BIPPO THE CLOWN peeks out from behind a column. BIPPO (V.O.) But I knew that the ways of war were not for me... therefore, I conjured up a clever distraction and escaped. Bippo sneaks over to a nearby computer and places a copy of "THE SIMS" on it and sneaks away. FADE TO: INT. THE LAB - MINUTES LATER The Doctors and Scientists are surrounding the computer playing THE SIMS with tremendous interest. DOCTOR #1 I control the destiny of these people... it makes me a king. Nay, it makes me a GOD!!! Lighting crashes. Bippo goes out an emergency exit in the background unnoticed. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT AS before. SUBTITLE: The Present (Relatively Speaking) ARTURO It's unbelievable! BIPPO Quite a story, huh? ARTURO No, it's just unbelievable. You actually expect us to swallow that enormous load of horsecrap? Why would the government be kidnapping teenagers and making them into clowns? Why would they make more of these clown soldiers if they had never been properly tested and why the HELL would they call you "Weapon Pi!?" SPLAT! A creme pie hits Arturo in the face. Bippo stands there with his hands behind his back, whistling innocently. LIAM Okay, there's one thing I don't understand? ARTURO, THAD, & BIPPO ONE thing? LIAM Who is this Hippo the Ultra-Clown and what does he and his horrible gang of mutant clown-freaks want with you? BIPPO Oh, that? I'm their daddy. A long beat. THAD Could you say that into my good ear? I could have sworn you said you were their daddy. BIPPO I am. They're all clones of me. Hideously EVIL clones of me. Thunder crash. Arturo has licked all the creme pie off his face. ARTURO This is complete and utter crap. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN (O.C.) Actually, it's all true. Everyone looks. Hippo and his gang are standing at Liam's door. THAD Liam, don't you have a deadbolt for God's sake!? LIAM Yes. Hippo the Ultraclown holds up a hunk of the door with a deadbolt in it. He tosses it aside and walks up to Bippo. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Ah, Genefather... we have clown searched for you for a whole three hours. BIPPO Really? How did you find me? HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN We simply clown-searched for the one area of town that the cats avoided religiously. BIPPO Smart move. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Genefather, it is time to clown cleanse the earth of all non-clowns and bring about a new age of clownism. BIPPO Uh... what? LIAM (whispers) I think he wants you to help him take over the world. BIPPO How do you know? LIAM I've been involved in no less than thirty attempts by various people trying to take over the world. You sort of get an ear for it after the twentieth time. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Liam the Non-Clown is correct. It is time for all Clowns to clown rise up against the pink-skins who oppress our Clowniness and celebrate all that Clowintry has to offer. BIPPO I told you, Hippo... I have no interest in taking over the world. All I want to do is cause mischief and mayhem on a global scale, but I'll leave ruling the world to whichever shmuck ends up with it. Besides, you're one clown with five strangely silent henchmen and... (a beat, re: other clowns) Do they even talk? DIPPO THE CLOWN (deranged) He hee... F*ck you! BIPPO (a beat, back to Hippo) What makes you think that you can take over the world with this motley crew? ARTURO It is just me, or is Bippo actually being the rational one? BIPPO Yeah, scary ain't it. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN As I thought... clown-living among the pink-skins has made you soft! You will join us or be clown destroyed! BIPPO Tuh! I'm not joining you! I've got chunks of guys like you in my poop! You think you can beat me, Hippo? You and what army? HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN So, you've clown-chosen to side with the pink-skins, eh? BIPPO Before I say yes... you DON'T have an army, do you? HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN You will clown-die as will your weak friends. BIPPO Oh hell, you DO have an army, don't you? HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Prepare to be CLOWN-DESTROYED!!! There is massive horn-honking from outside. Bippo, Arturo, Liam, and Thad run to the window where they see a massive CLONE-CLOWN ARMY of MILLIONS standing outside. THAD (to Liam) Don't say it. LIAM What? THAD You KNOW what. LIAM (a beat) Send in the clowns? Thad, Bippo, and Arturo moan. ARTURO It appears to be an army of CLOWN CLONES! HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Indeed... I hate to be the one to clown-kill our own genefather, but is must clown-do what I must clown do. Meet me in the alley behind Circus Circus and we will clown settle this like Clowns! He honks a horn and walks out. The other five clowns follow him out like obedient dogs. LIAM Wow, Bippo... what are you planning to do? BIPPO I hear that Mexico is nice this time of year. LIAM Well, I know what I'M going to do. Liam presses a button on his watch. It begins beeping. THAD What the hell is that? LIAM It's an official Capeman signal watch. Capeman gave it to me for only $19.99 so that I could signal him when I needed him. THAD Oh, bull. CAPEMAN (O.C.) Liam, what's the problem? Everyone jumps. The camera pans over to reveal CAPEMAN standing there. THAD What the hell is up with THAT today? ARTURO Capeman, did you REALLY sell Liam a signal watch? CAPEMAN Of course. ARTURO Why? CAPEMAN Well, usually when there's trouble in this town... or even this entire section of the globe it usually involves Liam at some point or another so it saves time. Secondly, it beats the hell out of Nightflyer's signal. BIPPO Nightflyer's signal? CAPEMAN The big spotlight that shines over Gothic City that projects the Nightflyer triangle in the sky. It's nice, but any idiot kid with a paper cutout and a flashlight can call him anytime they want. So, what's up? LIAM (re: window) Take a look for yourself. Capeman looks. CAPEMAN Great Scott! It's a sea of merriness that somehow makes me want to wet myself. So much clownage! I can't handle this by myself! LIAM Good! I was hoping you'd call the Justice Squad. CAPEMAN Er... I would, but all of the Squad except for myself and one other is gone. ARTURO I say! Gone where? CAPEMAN Some sort of Superhero caucus. CUT TO: INT. A LOUNGE ULTRAWOMAN, NIGHTFLYER, BLUE FAIRY, COSMIC WEASEL, DOCTOR WHAM, BAHAMA MON, THE TEXAN, BLACK PUMA, DECOY XXXIII, and several other superheroes are in a conga line holding mixed drinks in one hand. HEROES (dancing, singing) Caucus, caucus, caucus! WHAM! A moose-head falls from the wall and kills Decoy. Everyone stops and looks, then goes back to dancing. HEROES (dancing, singing) Caucus, caucus, caucus! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT As before. THAD Wait, you said that there was another one here with you! Who is it? CAPEMAN That's the BAD news. Capeman takes out his JUSTICE SQUAD signal devise and sighs. CAPEMAN Reinforcements requested in Las Vegas... The usual location. A transporter effect appears in the middle of the room and CAPTAIN SPAZ appears. CAPTAIN SPAZ I would have gotten here sooner, but I was doing laundry. BIPPO Well, we're boned. CAPTAIN SPAZ What? What's going on here? (looks out window) What's with all the clowns? LIAM They're evil clown clones grown from Bippo in an evil government experiment to create the ultimate solider called "Weapon Pi". CAPEMAN Why on Earth would they call it "Weapon Pi?" SPLAT! SPLAT! Captain Spaz and Capeman are both pied in the face. Bippo stands off to the side whistling innocently. LIAM I take it we need a plan. Capeman and Captain Spaz is wiping creme pie out of their eyes. CAPEMAN I'd settle for a towel right now. CAPTAIN SPAZ Or a little ice cream. THAD (suddenly) WAIT! I think I have a plan, I... No, No I don't. YES! I do I... No... Yes... No... Ye... No... (a beat) YES! I DO HAVE A PLAN! CAPEMAN Oh God. THAD Have any of you ever seen "The Howling?" ARTURO You mean that god-awful movie about the werewolf in the circus? THAD No, that was "Howling V" LIAM The piece of crap movie about werewolves in Australia? THAD No, that was "Howling III." BIPPO That festering dung-heap of a movie about a dead sister werewolf and Christopher Lee? THAD That was "Howling II." LIAM The one about the busty firefighter babe who became involved with a handsome arsonist and they both... Ahem... "Lit each other's fire" so to speak? THAD (a beat) That was Kari Wuhrer's "Let Me Take Out Your Hose". No, guys, I'm talking about the FIRST Howling movie. Have any of you seen it? CAPEMAN No. LIAM No. CAPTAIN SPAZ No. ARTURO No. BIPPO Yes. (a beat) I mean, no. ARTURO What's your point, Thad? THAD I... (a blank look) I forgot. Everyone moans. THAD No, WAIT! I've got it! At the end of the movie, they kill all the werewolves by locking them in a barn and catching it on fire! LIAM Wow! THAD I know, it was almost as heartbreaking as the end of Titanic. LIAM That's nice, Thad... But we have to think realistically. I mean, how is burning down a barn full of werewolves going to help us defeat an army of clown clones? ARTURO Dear sweet GOD! It's like a Mobius loop of pure stupidity in this place! Listen Liam and listen Thad. Do not interrupt me or I will shove my fist into your face. Understood? LIAM Is it all right to say "yes", because after all you told us not to interrupt yo-- THWACK! Arturo bitch-slaps Liam. LIAM Sorry sir. ARTURO Thad's plan is sound. There's an old warehouse behind Circus Circus they use to store all the Alf merchandise they couldn't sell or give to Goodwill. If we can somehow lure the clown clones into that building and blow it up, our problems will be over. CAPEMAN An excellent idea, professor! BIPPO I'll get the explosives. LIAM So... Exactly where DOES the barn full of werewolves come into this? Arturo screams out of frustration and lunges at Liam. Thad and Capeman hold him back. FADE TO: INT. THE ALLEYWAY Capeman, Bippo, Thad, Arturo, Captain Spaz, and Liam are standing around one of those old push dentonators. The warehouse is seen in the background with the words "FREE ALF MERCHANDISE" on a banner. ARTURO Everything appears to be in order. We have three tons of plastic explosives rigged in that warehouse... although I cannot begin to fathom how Bippo managed to safely store that much explosives safely in his freezer. BIPPO They were in tupperware. ARTURO Right. Well, let us try to lure Hippo the Ultraclown here. Are you all clear on the distraction plan? LIAM We drop our pants, wiggle our asses, and say "nannie-nannie-boo boo" until they chase us, right? ARTURO Correct. BIPPO At last, MY KIND OF PLAN! Arturo, Bippo, Liam, and Thad run off. Capeman and Captain Spaz stand there watching them go. CAPTAIN SPAZ Remind me again what we're doing? CAPEMAN We're hear to make sure that the clowns are in the warehouse when it blows so please, don't go and screw it up like you usually do! CAPTAIN SPAZ Capeman, that wounds me! Especially coming from you! CAPEMAN What did you say? CAPTAIN SPAZ I said you hurt my feelings. CAPEMAN Oh, I'm sorry. Perhaps I can sing you a lullaby and change your diaper to make it up to you. CAPTAIN SPAZ (turns away) You don't understand at all. A beat. CAPEMAN All right, I'll bite. What don't I understand? CAPTAIN SPAZ I'm doing this because of you! CAPEMAN You're blowing up a warehouse full of clowns because of me? CAPTAIN SPAZ No... Well, yes... but I mean the whole crime fighting thing. I'm doing it because you... inspired me to do so. Because of your example, I put on this uniform and joined the Justice Squad. In fact, a lot of the squad were inspired by you... even though they probably won't admit it. CAPEMAN Ooooooookay. So, what does that mean to me? CAPTAIN SPAZ Just once... I'd like to hear you say, hey Captain Spaz! That was a great save you just did! Hey, Captain Spaz! That was a marvelous rescue! CAPEMAN Do something right and I'll consider it. CAPTAIN SPAZ A simple "good job Captain Spaz" would be fine, you know. You have no idea what hearing that would mean to me. That's all I want. CAPEMAN It's good to want things. Liam, Arturo, Thad, and Bippo come running up the alley. THAD (to Bippo) Dude, I can't believe you actually put clown-white make-up on your ass! BIPPO Well, you know what they say. If you're going to do something, do it right. ARTURO THE CLONES ARE ATTACKING! The clown clones tear around the corner. Capeman looks at Liam. CAPEMAN You remember what to do? LIAM Nothing to it! CAPEMAN I know, but do you think YOU can handle it? LIAM YES! CAPEMAN Then go! Liam, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad run for the warehouse and go inside. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN runs up to Capeman and Captain Spaz. The CLOWN ARMY grinds to a halt behind him. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Excuse me. Have you clown-seen four mooners? CAPEMAN They went in there. Capeman points to the warehouse. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Thank you. (to army) CLOWN-ATTACK! The army raises a mighty war cry and runs into the warehouse. After they are all inside, Liam, Bippo, Arturo, and Thad appear in a transporter effect next to Capeman and Captain Spaz. LIAM There, see? Nothing to it! I told you that everything would be okay! Now, all we have to do is blow up the warehouse and everything will be just fine! ARTURO Right! Arturo places both hands on the plunger and pushes it down. There is a farting noise and everyone looks at Arturo. ARTURO (blushes) Excuse me. CAPEMAN That... wasn't supposed to happen. LIAM Uh... the warehouse no go boomy? BIPPO But, there's tons of C4 explosives in there! It should have not only killed them, but us as well and any one else dumb enough to be in a two mile radius. THAD Maybe no one connected the detonator? CAPEMAN Don't be silly. Who would be that dumb? Wait a minute... who's job was it to... Captain Spaz meekly raises his hand. CAPEMAN Aw, F*CK! CAPTAIN SPAZ, YOU F*CKING STUPID PILE OF APE-SH*T! ARTURO Relax! We have a few minutes at least before the Ultraclown discovers that we're not in the warehouse anymore. Until then, we can form an alternate... HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN (O.C.) THERE THEY ARE! CLOWN-KILL THEM! ARTURO Dammit. The clown army burst out of the warehouse all wearing ALF T shirts and start running towards the gang. CAPEMAN All of you run! I can cause these countless, cruel, conniving, calamitous clowns to curse the corny cause they've committed to quickly! CAPTAIN SPAZ Right! And I'll stay to help! WHOOPS! Captain Spaz slips on a banana peel and bumps into a storm pipe. The pipe comes loose and hits a neighboring building, causing a wall to come crumbling down on top of Capeman and burying him under a ton of concrete. Everyone stares at the pile of rubble as the screaming clowns draw ever closer. Captain Spaz shrugs and laughs pitifully. CAPTAIN SPAZ You know, at any other time this would be funny. LIAM Aw crap. Everyone takes off down the alley as the clowns take off after them. BIPPO (running) Liam! LIAM (also running) Yes? BIPPO You've still got that Justice Squad transporter on you? LIAM Yeah, but what good will a transporter do us? Bippo rolls his eyes and snatches it out of Liam's front pocket. There is a ripping sound and we see that Liam's underwear is somehow now attached to it. Bippo throws them aside and presses a few buttons. ARTURO (yep, also running) What the devil are you doing!? BIPPO Professor, I've learned a few things over the years. Number one: plans never work the way we wish they would and two: it's always a good idea to have a back door. Bippo presses a button and Bippo, Liam, Arturo, and Thad disappears. Captain Spaz looks around in confusion. CAPTAIN SPAZ You DICKS! Captain Spaz runs down the alley. Several cream pies fly past him getting gooey white filling all over him. He comes to a brick wall and turns around facing the oncoming army. CAPTAIN SPAZ How the HELL did I get into this mess!? RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. THE NEVADA DESERT - NIGHT The camera pans down and we see the top secret military base, AREA 69. We see a few dark figures sneaking around the perimeter. SUBTITLE: "AREA 69 - (BEFORE HE GOT INTO THIS MESS)" EXT. AREA 69 - NIGHT A closer view. GEEK, DORK, PANSY, and WUSS-BOY are sneaking around. GEEK takes out a pair or wire cutters and starts cutting a hole in the fence. DORK I'm not sure this is such a good idea! He takes a puff of his inhaler. Geek slaps it out of his hand. GEEK You know and I know that there's lot's of cool alien stuff in here! When we get pictures of it and post it to our website, we'll double our hits! PANSY Can't we just fake our findings like Ain't It Cool News? GEEK No! Now shut up and-- CUT TO: STATIC A still picture with TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG holding up a sign that says "We'll be right Bark" comes up. CUT TO: BLACK The makers of The Liam Smith Show would like to apologize for the flashback within the flashback that sent us back to the beginning of the flashback. Be assured that the person responsible would have been fired if he was actually being paid. CUT TO: We would also like to apologies for the flashback within a flashback that occured when Bippo explained his origin. CUT TO: While we're at it... We'd also like to apologize for the part when the professor cut one. We're all pretty ashamed of that one ourselves. CUT TO: STATIC CUT TO: EXT. A MEADOW Bippo, Liam, Captain Spaz, Arturo, and Thad appears in a transporter effect. BIPPO There. That went well. THAD Where are we? Thad is about to take a step forward. Bippo shouts. BIPPO DON'T TAKE A STEP! Thad stops. THAD Uh... why? Suddenly, a few hundred feet away, HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN and his clown army appears in a similar transporter effect. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN FOOL! Did you think you could clown-escape that easily! THAD You think that was EASY!? HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN We clown-fashioned our own transporter to clown-follow you hours ago! Now you will all be clown-destroyed! ARTURO What did you do to that annoying Captain Spaz person? HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN You mean that little whiney man woman? He wet himself and started crying and we clown-decided that it would be a much more fitting punishment to allow him to continue his pathetic life. Arturo, Thad, Bippo, and Liam look at each other, fall to their knees and start crying. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN I don't clown-see any wetting. LIAM (whispers to Bippo) What do we do? BIPPO Don't move. Don't move a muscle! The clowns begin to advance on them pulling out ferocious balloon doggies, nooses and nun-chucks made out of cotton candy, squirt flowers filled with acid, and exploding cream pies. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN Prepare to be CLOWN-DESTROYED! THAD (whispers to Liam) How DO we prepare for that exactly? Hippo the Ultraclown looms over them and pulls out a giant cannon out of his pants. He aims it at the gang and is about to fire when... BLAM! A black hand erupts from the ground and grabs the Ultraclown's leg throwing him off balance. He drops the cannon which explodes harmlessly into the air. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Like a scene from a zombie movie, black hands erupt from the ground and begin latching onto the legs of the clowns in the army. The clowns scream in terror and fury as dark figures rise up out of the ground. The camera zoom in on Liam, Arturo, Thad, and Bippo as the clowns are dragged down. ARTURO I DON'T believe it! THAD It's... It's a... LIAM Mime-field! Sure enough, the dark figures are actually MIMES clawing their way out of the ground and beating the clowns senseless with invisible baseball bats and hatchets. Three mimes have trapped Hippo the Ultraclown in an invisible box. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN BIPPO! I WILL NOT CLOWN-FORGET THIS! YOU HAVE BETRAYED ALL OF CLOWN KIND! BIPPO Have a nice life, Hippo... all remaining three seconds of it. HIPPO THE ULTRACLOWN CLOWN-NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The mimes shrink the box down until Hippo the Ultraclown disappears into nothing. The mimes and clowns begin fighting each other to the death as Bippo activates the transporter and the gang disappears as the meadow turns into a bloody battlefield. FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Bippo, Thad, Liam, and Arturo are sitting on the couch staring into nothing. All of them look concerned and confused except for Bippo. There is a long pause. LIAM Uh... Another long pause. ARTURO Does anyone have the slightest idea what happened yesterday? I have been perplexed about it ever since. BIPPO We saved the world from a clown clone army. LIAM Yeah, but it all seemed so confusing and pointless. THAD Just filler. LIAM Say what? Thad holds up a mug. THAD Quit trying to figure it out and just fill 'er up! Liam pours Thad a beer and Thad drinks. LIAM Well, I'm just glad to know that both Capeman and Captain Spaz are all right although, I don't think Capeman will be speaking to him very often expect in explicit two word phrases. ARTURO And, as Bippo pointed out, we DID save the world. LIAM Again. ARTURO Yes, again. THAD And at last we found out once and for all where Bippo the Clown came from. BIPPO Yep. LIAM At last. BIPPO Concrete proof. ARTURO No doubt about it. A long pause. THAD Waaaaaaait a minute, where does your evil twin brother Flippo the Clown figure into all of this? Was he a clown clone too or a real twin brother who was part of Weapon Pi or what? LIAM Yeah, and didn't we meet your dad once? Would that totally invalidate-? Bippo leaps to his feet and throws down a pellet which erupts in a cloud of smoke... a small cloud of smoke that doesn't come close to obscuring Bippo from view as he runs to the door and exits. ARTURO Something tells me that we've been had. LIAM Yeah... I figured so, but it's not the fact that we have been had more than the fact that I have no IDEA how the f*ck we have been had. There is a farting sound. Arturo looks at Liam. Liam looks at Thad. Thad looks at Arturo. There is a long pause and then the three of them start laughing like Beavis and Butt Head. FADE OUT: THE END