Great Balls of Fire The Liam Smith Show Episode 3.29: "Great balls of fire" By David Hopper 1914 - EXT . a wide sweeping image of the World War 1 trench systems of both sides. It's quiet, despite the war torn damage. Slowly, soldiers from both sides come out and walk slowly towards each other. British and French on one side, German, Austrian-Hungarians on the other. After a few minutes, one of the Germans takes out a cigarette and offers it to an English soldier. The camera pans over to see the young, still human DREW FANGTASTIC look quizzically at the offering. DREW Erm, but I don't smoke. ENGLISH SOLDIER Take it lad, or their could be trouble. DREW We're in the middle of no mans land for crying out loud, I think we already are in trouble. ENGLISH SOLDIER Just take the f*(BLEEP!)*ing thing, will you? Where's yer Christmas spirit? Drew does so, takes a very amateurish drag and starts coughing his guts out. Everyone starts laughing, regardless of what side their on. DREW They should put health warnings on these things. A montage of scenes go by. Germans and English soldiers trading photos of their girlfriends and wives, Soldiers smoking together, soldiers taking a stroll through no mans land, only to tread on a mine and go flying all over the place, everyone turns and laughs when this happens. And finally the great soccer match of 1914. A German is nodding at Drew, smiling, but not understanding his complaints. DREW You expect us to play the noble game with a frozen Christmas pudding? (a beat) Just as well I don't have trench foot. Yet. And it goes on. Another montage as people try to play soccer with a Christmas pudding. People are just hurting their feet since it's rock hard. A German has pulled Drew aside. DREW What do you mean, "offside?" Who died and made you the ref? The German points to a smoking crater with a pair of burning boots. DREW Okay, fair point. Later, Drew has the pudding and is dribbling past the German defence. Suddenly someone shouts a warning and Drew is knocked over by RYMER - complete with dodgy O'rish accent. The pudding continues on by itself, hitting a mine and exploding. RYMER Yer alright laddie? DREW Yeah, thanks sergeant. I owe you one. In fact, I owe you my life. RYMER Ahh, ye'll pay me back someday, lad. Explosions start up all over the place. Someone's started a shelling attack. The party's over, both sides run for their respective trenches and break out machine guns trying to kill the men they were only socialising with minutes ago. DREW I just know this is going to go down in history as one of the most ironic moments ever. GERMAN SOLDIER Ja, tell me about it. DREW I think your in the wrong trench system. GERMAN SOLDIER Nein, chew are, mein friend. DREW Oh, sheitzen. The present - LIAM has just walked into the room where PROFESSOR ARTURO is at the front desk of UPPDA CREEK. ARTURO Ah, Liam my boy, how goes things? You look a little flushed? LIAM It's my plumbing again professor, I was going to take a du- ARTURO Liam, I don't need details, if I want to listen to tales about bowel movements, I'd stay in my apartment and listen to Triumph. (he gets very nasty) That's all he ever does you know, pooped on this, pooped on that, pooped on something after he'd only ate five minutes ago. LIAM Uh huh, about my plumbing. ARTURO Oh yes, do go on, my boy, sorry. (goes back to darkness) God, that must have stunk, I mean he'd only just ate the meal a few minutes ago. That must have really stunk coming out. I bet it hurt, burned him to th- LIAM Professor? ARTURO How come he never gets hem aroids? What? (a beat as he collects himself) Sorry, I was off again, wasn't I? LIAM Yeah, it's almost as if your really sick of him. ARTURO Yes, well hearing about the digestive process of a talking canine, is not my idea of fun. Nor is it a topic of any particular interest to me. I don't know why I allowed him to be my room mate. Especially since I own this place now, it's not like I actually need him. (a beat) well, the money IS nice, I must admit that. LIAM You know, Mr Hilter did have a no dogs rule when he was here. ARTURO He did? LIAM Yeah, one time, I was trying to run a dog sitting business here, he went ballistic. That's how I met Triumph in the first place. ARTURO Did you? So, does Triumph know this rule? LIAM Oh yeah, Mr Hilter made it very clear to him, that's why they didn't get on. Hate, hate relationship. Least the feeling was mutual. ARTURO (getting dark again) He knew? That means he's been playing me for a sap all this time. (a beat) so why did this Mr Hilter allow Thad to stay here then? LIAM Er, I - look, professor, my toilet problems? ARTURO Use a potty. LIAM I think it may have had something to do with Triumph. ARTURO Don't tell me he… pooped on it while the seat was still down? LIAM Oh no, he actually pooped inside it. ARTURO So what's the problem? LIAM He didn't flush. ARTURO SO PULL THE DAMN CHAIN YOU BLISTERING IDIOT! LIAM Chain? We have levers. ARTURO Just an old expression where I come from. We haven't used chains since the seventies. Kids used to steal them from the public toilets and try to use them to make nunchucks and emulate Bruce Lee. Of course, they always ended up giving themselves concussions. But anyhow, you were saying? LIAM I tired, and well, it's blocked pretty bad. I need some help there. Chocolate Treat is trying her best, but- INT. LIAM'S BATHROOM - CHOCOLATE TREAT wearing an apron and holding her nose is trying gingerly to stick the toilet brush in the overflowing toilet bowl. CHOCOLATE TREAT The things I do for that man. INT. OFFICE - as before. LIAM Makes you wonder what Conan O'Brian feeds him on. ARTURO Hmm, possibly the same thing Satan feeds Scrappy Doo on. I wonder what he's doing right now? INT. HELL'S THRONE ROOM - SATAN sits in his throne, a demon is giving him a manicure. KATHY HILTER approaches him. KATHY Oh mighty one, the cast of Lexx wants to know if they could have some decent guest stars from a long running major sci fi series? Satan pulls out a rather raggy and long scroll, opens it up, puts on some reading glasses and looks over the list. SATAN Hmm, Craig Charles and Hattie Hayridge are the best I can do for them. KATHY Them? DEMON Again? KATHY Could you at least make Mr Charles alter his voice a little? A scouser accent belonging to a character whose supposed to be married to a Canadian, with a Canadian daughter, somehow stretches credibility a bit. SATAN So did the marriage of Lennon to Yoko, but who really cares? Wish granted. (a pause) What news be there of the real world? KATHY Well, I was watching VH1, MTV's not really my cup of te- SATAN Not the television show. You know, that simpleton Liam Smith. (a beat) Any word on that vampire friend of his? KATHY No, but we have managed to get our agent into his base. DEMON But didn't Scrappy Doo get into his base as well? SATAN No, that was his home. Mr Fangtastic has countermeasures in place to stop us finding his secret base. Strange that he would let us get into his home so easily though. Anyhow, now, we have an agent on the inside, someone he trusts. And now, that we have that, it's just a matter of time before we find out what he's doing since his escape. (a beat) What are you up to Fangtastic? MUSCIAL STING FADE OUT -------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG to Robbie Williams "Eternity" Close your eyes so you don't read this, They don't need to hear you laugh. I can't promise you will laugh though, But if you read it, I have trrrrrried. Read this silly guest written script, It all wrote up and in your mail, It's true. Someone said it'll most likely suck, But I believe with out a doubt, it won't. You were there for sudden giggles, I hope you got what you need, And I hope you find some humour, For what it's worth, for what's worth. OLÉ! -------------------------------------------------------------- THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARING Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys Davis as "Professor Arturo" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the clown" Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey" GUEST STARING Ru Paul as "Chocolate Treat" David Hopper as "Drew Fangtastic" SPECIAL GUEST STARS David Peckinpah as "Satan" Ben Affleck as "Rymer" Eliza Dushka as "Anna" AND SPECIAL VOCAL APPERANCES BY Christopher Lee as the voice of "Death" EXT. GRAVEYARD - the Tomb of Libearche, night time. DREW, RYMER and ANNA are entering the tomb, Anna does not look happy. ANNA That poor werewolf, why did you have to do that to him? RYMER Oh come on, it's not like he didn't deserve it. He ate a good friend of Drew's, didn't he? DREW He didn't eat my friend, he hadn't been born then. But he's one of them, and I won't rest until he's (a beat) Neutered. ANNA That's a pretty shallow reason to torture him. DREW (sounding Jewish) Hey, I'm a pretty shallow guy. RYMER Fair enough, yet another idea from the ministry of fuzzy logic. ANNA Drew, has anyone ever told you, your weird? DREW Yes, thank you. Weird's my middle name. ANNA Speaking of names, is your name really Fangtastic? DREW It is now. ANNA You changed it? DREW Every great vampire changes their name, get a rep, live by the rep you get. And a good name is essential for a good rep. RYMER He went around calling himself "Kirk" during the late sixties and early seventies for some strange reason that is totally beyond me. Anna sniggers to herself. RYMER Meanwhile, I just stuck to my real name. DREW And you wonder why you've never became a great vampire. Look at me, in the vampire world, I'm known as the man responsible for kicking Lestat in the happy sack and drawing a false moustache on his face. RYMER Something he's promised to repay in kind, wearing a spiky boot with a retractable blade on the end. DREW Yeah, I'd just love to see him try THAT now! Drew breaks down laughing to himself for a little while. DREW Anyhow, my best achievement has to be getting out of hell. Name one other vampire whose done that? RYMER Actually, I can name three others, but one of them doesn't count since she came back human- but the latest was seen in a specialist shoe shop recently. ANNA I thought we were discussing what you did to Thad? How did we end up trying to stroke your ego? DREW Speaking of stroking - (he catches the look in her eyes) No, forget it. Rymer's eyes light up here, Anna catches that while Drew turns his back in shame, unaware of the looks on either of his friends faces. ANNA I still think that was cruel what you did to him. DREW Just getting him back for putting garlic in my underwear. ANNA That was months ago. DREW Vampires never forget. ANNA That's Elephants. Besides he did help save your life recently. RYMER Whatever, anyhow it's late- ANNA It's six in the morning. RYMER Okay, it's early. I'm off to my crypt. DREW Beats me why you insist on sleeping in a coffin, it's not like we really need to be sleeping in those things. That's way too melodramatic. You mays well have a huge sign on your back saying, "I'm a vampire, stake me right here." And an arrow pointing at your heart. Drew moves off, on his back is a note saying "I'm a vampire, stake me right here." Anna shoots a look at Rymer and they both start sniggering. Drew looks round, puzzled. ANNA That reminds me, how did you get a four poster bed in here anyhow? And how come I can't have a bed? DREW I've offered to make a space for you in mine. ANNA I'm not sharing a bed with anyone till I'm married. DREW You don't have to share for long. RYMER All of two minutes will do him. By now the group have left the main entrance to the tomb and are in the crypt. THAD COFFEY is standing in there, over the coffin, halfway through opening the lid with a stake nearby him. Rymer screams as he sees Thad and jumps up into Anna's arms. RYMER What are you doing to my coffin? THAD Why did you have to coat the handle to my car door in silver? Thad holds up his bandaged hands. ANNA I told you it was cruel. DREW So was nearly burning my balls off. THAD What? DREW The garlic in my underwear? At first I thought it was a rather terminal case of herpes- ANNA EWE! DREW Then I remembered I haven't had a sniff of a shag since 1973. But anyhow, I'm not going to waste my breath asking you what your doing here. THAD Why? DREW I don't breath. I'm just going to kick you out. THAD In all this sunshine? DREW (in a bad wolverine impression) I heal fast. THAD Really? Do you have metals claws popping outta the back of your hands? DREW GET OUT! THAD Yes, my master. Thad leaves, arms slumped at his sides ala Reinfield. Rymer looks confused at Drew. RYMER Why not kill him? It'd be a lot easier. DREW Too easy. This way it's more fun. Besides, I think it's handy having a werewolf around town. That way we've got someone else to blame for all the mutilations. There's us, that other gang of vampires operating that casino, Thad, those other werewolves working for Dorris that just can't help but have a handy, child sized snack at those play parks their building, and those two weirdoes that work in that cut price green grocers and the meat wagon that sells very strange looking cuts of beef. ANNA I think my dad bought some meat form them once, about a year ago. DREW What did it taste like? ANNA Chicken, and that was on the way down and back up. Drew walks over to a wall with a blatantly false section to it, and pushes on a brick. The false part of the wall opens up to reveal a landing with a spiral staircase going down, an elevator and a fireman's pole. They all start walking down the stairs. Drew looks around with a "this isn't good enough" look. The false wall slams shut. DREW Hmm, gonna have to up the security in here. Security cameras, maybe a few machine guns, or even poisonous gas sprays. RYMER Oh please, your off into the realms of fantasy, again. INT UPPA DA CREEK - a corridor. BIPPO and Liam are walking towards Liam's apartment. BIPPO You ever visited that cut price green grocers? I can't place the accents on the guys that run it. LIAM I was talking to them earlier. Their both English like the professor- BIPPO The Professor is English? I'd have never thought he was. I knew he was uptight, rude, arrogant, self centred, but English? I'm kidding Liam, I'm kidding. So, what do you think of them? LIAM Well, the first one, Richie, is pretty fat actually. Greasy hair, big nose, for some reason his underwear seems to be in a permanent wedgie - and he doesn't seem to mind. BIPPO Uh huh… LIAM He's also pretty full of himself. Kept going on how about rich he was, and how better he was then anyone else. And how much sex he had on a regular basis. BIPPO He's sounds pretty frank. LIAM And then his friend, Eddie hit him and told him to stop lying. BIPPO Oh, so Richies really is full of himself? Did he say anything back? LIAM Well, it's pretty hard to reply to an insult like that when you've just been hit on the head with a table. BIPPO A TABLE? LIAM Yeah, the professor wasn't too happy about it either. This was the table in the lobby with all his notes on it. BIPPO They were in here? LIAM Yeah, they were trying to get a room, but when the professor told them we were full, they started getting angry and they started yelling at each other. So Eddie hit Richie with the table BIPPO That things never been moved, ever. Harry told me you'd need a forklift truck to move it. Drew can barely move it. Tempus had to use his suit to move it to let the Professor check the floorboards there. LIAM Drew tried to push it with his foot, and gave up after it barely budged. I don't think he was really trying. Like he's holding back on something. But these guys? They seem to have an almost superhuman recovery rate. Richie stuck a pen in Eddies eye and after he stopped screaming, Eddie pulled it out and stuck it- (a beat) Somewhere even more painful. Liam motions crotch wards, Bippo whinces. At the same time, Thad walks past them still in a trance. LIAM Thad? What ya doing? Where you been all morning? I need you to unblock my toilet. Thad? Thad? Thad walks past them without batting an eyelid. BIPPO Guess he's been to Drew's again. LIAM I wish they'd could both grow up and stop this petty little squabble, especially since Thad saved Drew's life. Or un life, or afterlife or whatever you call it. BIPPO But it's so much fun to see them go at it. LIAM But their fighting each other only because of some strange and frankly stupid quassi religious beliefs. BIPPO But that's how all the best wars start. Look at the war we're in now. (a beat) Actually it's more because Drew likes fighting and Thad's getting seriously pissed off at him, I think they like each other secretly. (a beat) Not that way though. LIAM I notice you spend a lot of time with him, and Thad said Drew said that Thad pisses him off. Has Drew ever told you why? BIPPO Brace yourself Liam, for a tale that nearly killed me. FLASHBACK: 1917 British Trenches. A small group of American soldiers are relieving a group of very tired looking British soldiers. Their lead by MAJOR THAD COFFEE, a direct ancestor of Thad, possibly, since they look identical. THAD Don't look so glum, boys, we're here to save the day. ENGLISH SOLDIER Sure, sure you are. THAD It'll all be over by Christmas. The Brits all look at him, if looks could kill… Thad would look like a Texas Chainsaw Massacre victim. THAD What's the matter boys? A few years of war take all the fun out of ya? DREW Do we have to take this from this wanker? THAD What's a wanker? RYMER Ye dinnae want ta knaw, sir. THAD Hey' what's this Scotch guy doing here? RYMER I'm Irish, ya pilock, and there's no such thing as a Scotch man, it's SCOT's man. THAD Whatever, the only person I want to see in a skirt is my wife. DREW Could I see her without her skirt on? Thad pounces on Drew, pointing a gun at his head. The situation is so tense now, someone breathing the wrong way could end up being shot. THAD What did you say? DREW I said, "could I see her without her skirt on?" THAD That's what I thought you said, but how come you haven't tried to weasel out of it? DREW I was raised to be honest to idiots. THAD Why you- DREW Go on, shoot, wouldn't be the first case of Americans shooting their allies. THAD We come along to save your asses, and this is the respect we get? DREW Save us? Respect? The Germans supply situation is so bad right now, if they last another couple of years I'd be surprised. You've just came in at the last minute to hog as much glory as you can. A general murmur of agreement from the Brits, Thad can't believe this. THAD Well, it's just as well I need a man to lay some more wire in no mans land. (a beat as Thad and Drew go eye to eye) It's this or a bullet. EXT. Trenches, no man land - Drew is crawling around trying to lay barbed wire. Suddenly shelling starts. FLASH FORWARD. INT. UPPDA CREEK - Bippo is just about finished. BIPPO And from there it was a short trip to falling through a hole and meeting up with a vampire. (he looks around) Liam? Liam? Liam is busy tying a rope to his neck and a light fitting, Bippo looks up at him. BIPPO So it's not just me that story had that effect on, eh? LIAM Eh? Oh, you stopped. (a beat) Hang on, what am I doing? BIPPO I was wondering the same thing, that knot is not going to hold even your weight, bud. LIAM I was working on pure instinct there. (a beat) So, Drew hates Thad, because he's descendant of a man who sent him to his death? BIPPO Or rebirth, or undeath, or after life, or- LIAM I get the picture, Bippo. So that's why Drew hates him. Okay, logged, filed, no need to ask anyone about it again. WHAM Liam and Bippo look around to see Thad trying to walk into his apartment, with the door closed. ARTURO approaches him. Thad continually bashes himself into the door as Arturo talks to him. ARTURO Ah, Thad my boy, I need your help as my handyman. THAD Handyman… ARTURO Mr Smith's toilet is, erm, blocked. And I need you to unblock it. THAD Unblock it… ARTURO There's a good lad, go off to your handyman closet, get your plunger, rubber gloves and some paper towels to clean up the, er mess. THAD Mess… ARTURO Well, I don't think it's much, but Chocolate Treat is there and she can fill you in, er, inform you of things there. THAD Fill me in… ARTURO Oh and Thad, after you've dealt with that, go and have someone look at that nasty lump you've got growing up there. Can't have my handyman looking battered and bruised or people will wonder what kind of operation I'm running here. Oh, and try not to get yourself killed, if possible, eh? Arturo strolls off whistling, Thad keeps bumping his head into the door a few more times, then wanders off towards Liam's apartment. Liam and Bippo exchange worried looks. INT. LIAMS APARTMENT - Thad still in a trance, wanders into the bathroom where Chocolate Treat is still tenderly pushing a plunger into the bowl. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, Thad, thank goodness, I need a strong manly man to deal with this, but Tempus isn't here, and even though your pretty hairy at times and I don't like that, you'll have to do instead. THAD Instead… CHOCOLATE TREAT You okay, hon? Your looking kinda, vague. Well more vague then normal. THAD Normal… CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, your not upset again about being a werewolf? THAD Werewolf… CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh hon, it makes you unique, and I forgave you long ago for eating all my friends. I've made plenty of news ones. In my line of work I meet all kinds of interesting people all the time. THAD All the time… CHOCOLATE TREAT Why, just the other week I meet Al Gore, and believe me, he is as stiff where it counts as he is everywhere else. But that's not important right now, you might be a werewolf, but you can control it now, that's good. THAD Good…. CHOCOLATE TREAT See, that's the spirit. Accentuate the Positive. (a beat) Thad shouldn't you be wearing gloves? Or using a plunger? Thad has a hand inside the bowel and he's swirling it around. THAD Plunger… CHOCOLATE TREAT Here, hon, take mine. Chocolate Treat hands over her plunger, which Thad takes, looks at, then puts on his head. He pulls his hand out and with the same hand, flushes the toilet. THAD The toilet is clear… Without pausing to wash his hands he simply walks out the door and leaves the apartment. CHOCOLATE TREAT If I didn't know better, I'd say he'd been hypnotised into acting like a clod. THUD THAD (out of shot) Thad is home. THUD THAD (out of shot) Thad is home. EXT. GRAVEYARD - Liam, Bippo and Arturo are approaching the tomb of Liberache. Drew is out in a fur coat with a big hat covering his face. Of all the things to be doing, he's taking care of the plants around his tomb. LIAM DREW! DREW Oh hi Liam, look if you wondering about the coat, and this being the desert and all the heat we have here, I have no body temperature, so it doesn't matter. I don't sweat. ARTURO What have you done to Thad? DREW Done? Me? Come on, it's a bit much to think because he's been hypnotised and acting a fool that I had anything to do with it. LIAM We never said what had happened to Thad. DREW Er, I'm telepathic, yeah, that's the ticket, I read your minds. New power, developed it yesterday. ARTURO Oh really, then what am I thinking about then? DREW Where your next meal is coming from. ARTURO Oh, very funny, don't make fun of my weight. DREW Err, well it's not always very accurate. But Bippo's thinking about that stray cat over there. BIPPO Stray cat? I'm there. BIPPO goes running off after a cat he's only just seen with a large rock. LIAM Say, it does work after all. DREW Yeah, I'm not seeing much from yours though, you must have the big print version. ARTURO Bah, telepathy my foot. Drew, is that a fur coat? DREW Er, yeah. ARTURO A fur coat? Your wearing a fur coat? DREW Er, yeah. ARTURO In the dessert, you choose to wear a fur coat? DREW Er, yeah. No body temp, remember? No sweat, no problem. I told you this before hand. Weren't you listening? ARTURO Sorry, when I'm in a rage at someone I tend not to listen to the other party until I've said my piece. LIAM We'd noticed. ARTURO But I still can't believe your wearing a fur coat. Is that real fur? DREW Yes, genuine werewolf, not exactly a species that anyone in their right mind would put on the protected list. LIAM Doesn't make it all right though. Look, can you come back to Thad's apartment? He's in a bad way, and we had to tie him to his bed to stop him hurting himself. DREW I only told him to get lost, what is he doing? Trying to off himself? ARTURO He's been chasing cars. DREW He always does that though. ARTUO Not head on he doesn't. DREW He's got an accelerated healing rate, a car isn't going to hurt him. Much. (a beat) Okay, that's an outright lie, it WOULD hurt him, a lot, he just wouldn't be killed by one hitting him. LIAM Oh come on, maybe by helping him, you can forgive his ancestor who sent you to your death. ARTURO What? DREW Oh Bippo told you the full tale of my vamprication? ARTURO Huh? LIAM Yeah, I nearly hung myself while he told it. DREW Hmm, weird. And that's hanged, not hung. Meat is hung, and the only person interested in finding out how well hung you are is Chocolate Treat. LIAM Oh come on, please? Just put him back the way he was. DREW Well, at least your not asking me to make him normal, that would be a miracle. Come on then. EXT. UPDA CREEK - Liam, Arturo, Bippo and Drew are just approaching the entrance when Thad walks out in his zombie like state. LIAM Thad? Get back here. What in the hell's wrong with him? DREW The force has a strong influence on the minds of the weak. ARTURO And let's face it, the average person round here is anything but strong minded. BIPPO Hey, I resemble that accusation. Everyone looks at Bippo, Thad has wandered out of shot. LIAM Er, yeah, look, about Thad? DREW Oh yeah, where is that little freak of nature? ARTURO He's got his pants down around his ankles and if he's not careful, he's going to be punched out by that truck driver whose wheel he's cocking his leg against. DREW Too late, god that guy's fat. BIPPO Tell me about it, I thought the professor here was fat, but he looks like the slimmer of the year compared to that guy, ARTURO Mr DeClown, how would you like you rent raised by a hundred dollars? (a beat) a month? BIPPO Er, I retract my statement your honour. the gang all still looking off screen, then they all recall as if they've been punched by someone. LIAM Uh oh, Thad's just taking a massive left hook. (a beat) how come he hasn't wolfed out yet? ARTURO I guess he must be too docile in that state to notice a severe physical assault. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!! Thad must have wolfed out anyhow, as the man beating him starts to scream in horror off screen. DREW You were saying? LIAM How come he's not doing anything? ARTURO Not that he has to, the poor man's scarred to death. LIAM And Thad's just curled up asleep. Arturo walks off screen to pick up Thad's body, pulling out a dog leash and collar as he goes. BIPPO What a rip. I demand bloodshed. I demand ribs being torn out, cartilage torn, bones broken irreparably, I demand unbridable, unbelievable bloodshed and mayhem. DREW Give me five minutes, I'll get James to do you over. BIPPO (suggestive) Could you get Anna to do me over instead? DREW She's only eighteen, Bippo, just a little young for you. BIPPO You're a hundred and five, just a little hypocritical since she's your girl? She could be your great granddaughter for all you know. DREW I never had any children when I was human, so she can't be. She could be Rymer's for all I know, he did have a family before hand. BIPPO Did you ever make a deposit in a sperm bank? DREW We didn't have them in 1917, Bip, come on, show some sense of, of, of… Something. LIAM Something? DREW Yeah, something. You know, something, that word you use when you can't think of something to say when you need to say… something. Arturo comes back on, pulling the still docile but awake Thad along by the collar via the lead. DREW This is pretty weird, I've never heard of a case of a vampire's hypnotic powers doing this to anyone. But then again, this is Thad we're talking about here. LIAM Where did you get the collar and lead professor? ARTURO Oh, a memento from a previous slide where we brought a canine along. Arturo drags Thad along a bit more then stops in the doorway and burps loudly. ARTURO *BURP* Hen *BURP* ry *BURP* the *BURP* Dog! Everyone else stops and looks at the blushing professor in confusion. DREW That's nothing, I can burp and say bollo- ARTURO LET'S just get in now, shall we? INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - as before the gang is sitting around the werewolf, whose curled up, snoring in front of an electric fire, with a torn up blanket and a badly devoured bone nearby it. Drew takes his jacket off and puts it on a table, he's wearing a sleeveless t-shirt. LIAM I really don't want to know what kind of bone that is. DREW It's the part of a human thigh bone that connects to the hip. LIAM I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THAT! (a beat) How'd you know that anyhow? DREW (laughing) I don't. ARTURO Enough of this. Drew, cure Thad. DREW What, while he's asleep? If I wake him who knows what might happen, he might go for me. ARTURO I could live with that. DREW Then the quality of conversation around will have gone down hill, again. ARTURO I could live with that. BIPPO Anyone got any oil I can use to lube up my chainsaw? LIAM Anyone ever thought why the sky is blue? CHOCOLATE TREAT Anyone got a pack of six? LIAM Booze or rubbers? CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, don't be silly Liam, hon, if I wanted booze, I'd have said a six pack. By the way, do you have a six pack on that stomach of yours? If not I have the perfect exercise program to give you one. LIAM To give me a six pack? Toned muscle on my tummy? CHOCOLATE TREAT No, I just want to give you one. Liam doesn't know the phrase. Drew whispers into Liam's ear. Liam hides behind Drew. CHOCOLATE TREAT It counts as exercise, do you know how many calories you burn off? ARTURO I see what you mean, Drew. Ideas people, how are going to wake up the werewolf? BIPPO We could put a firecracker up it's ass. LIAM We could steal it's bone and blanket. CHOCOLATE TREAT We could use a high pitch whistle to wake him up. ARTURO No, no, n- hang on that last one might work. DREW He still might wake up mad. ARTURO It's our best idea so far. Bippo's idea could kill him- DREW That's okay with me. ARTURO Liam's wouldn't have any effect. DREW Again, alright with me. ARTURO So Chocolate Treat has had the best idea so far, we'll do that. DREW Anyone got a high pitched whistle? Everyone looks around at each other. They check their own pockets and even check each others. No one looks like they have one. LIAM Bippo, I don't keep anything in that pocket, there's a hole in it and AHH! (high voice) get your hand out of there. BIPPO Sorry buddy, did I squeeze too tightly? CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, now why didn't I think of that? ARTURO ENOUGH! It's obvious we don't have a whistle, unless we can get the right pitch by manipulating Liam's… manhood. Not something I want to do. CHOCOLATE TREAT I'll do it. BIPPO I've a better idea. Bippo stabs Drew up the butt with a penknife, the resulting high pitched scream smashes all the windows in the building and wakes up the werewolf. The wolf looks around, peeved, and it's eyes lock with Drew's, who by now is all vamped up thanks to the shock. The Wolf jumps Drew and the two careen out a window onto the street below. The chase music from the Benny Hill show starts up as Drew is chased by a psychotic Thad/werewolf. ARTURO Ouch, just as well for Drew it's midnight now. BIPPO You think Drew will manage to calm Thad down long enough to dehypnotise him? ARTURO Oh, I think he's out of his trance already. He clearly recognises Drew, look at the way he's waging his tail and barking at him. They all look out the window. EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP - Drew knocks two people over as he rushes away from Thad. The people get up and join up with Thad. Drew knocks over a women with a pram who joins the fray. Drew knocks a group of pensioners over into a fountain who chase after him with their Zimmer frames and walking sticks waving in the air. Drew knocks over Seigfried and Roy and a couple of their white tigers who also give chase. Drew and his hunters run past officer Piggy who barely looks up as he eats a doughnut. DREW DOWN THAD, DOWN! OFFICER! HELP ME! PIGGY Kids. Drew rushes further ahead of the crowd, turns and looks at them, jumps in shock, and dashes off at an even higher speed, snapping his fingers as he goes. Thad and the tigers are at the head of the crowd. DREW WAKE UP! THAD WAKE UP! Why isn't this working? THAD/WEREWOLF Because I'm already awake, that's why. (to tiger) Hey, quit trying to sniff my butt. DREW YIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! NICE DOGGY! INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - the gang watching all this with telescopes and binoculars. BIPPO I never get tired of this town. I could live here forever and ever and never get bored. ARTURO Remind me to bill Drew for the windows if he survives this. LIAM I think I've learned a lesson today. CHOCOLATE TREAT What's that honey? LIAM Let sleeping dogs lie. ARTURO Mr Smith, if I wasn't so damned tired right now, I'd be chasing you myself for that pathetic joke. But like I said, I'm tired, so I'll hire Bippo to do it for me. Bippo revs his chainsaw, Liam takes off, Bippo chases after him, waving his chainsaw wildly, and the Benny Hill show chase music starts up again.