Wendy the Werewolf Killer THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Episode 3.30 - "Wendy the Werewolf Killer" Written by Jason Gaston FADE IN: EXT. THE CITY STREET - NIGHT A lone man is walking down the abandoned sidewalk alone. It's late at night and it's quite creepy. The man is spooked and starts walking a little faster and a little faster until a dark figure appears behind him. He whirls around and faces it. MAN (relieved) Oh, it's you! For a second there, I thought it was going to be some deranged killer or something. The dark figure begins to grow in size and it's eyes start glowing yellow. MAN Hey, that's a pretty good trick, but can you do this? The man turns his eyelids inside out. The dark figure pounces on him and, as the camera pans up at the giant full moon, the man screams. The screams turn to gurgles then there is silence and then a giant belch. FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (SUNG TO THE THEME OF "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR") Now this is a sit-com all about how, Las Vegas gets flipped - turned upside down. I hope that your calm and sittin' down low, and all ready to read the Liam Smith Show. -------------------------------------------------------------- THE LIAM SMITH SHOW STARRING Dian Bachar As "Liam Smith" And John Rhys-Davies As "Professor Arturo" Also Starring Seann William Scott As "Thad Coffey" Gary Dordan As "Tempus" Jason Gaston As "Donner" And David Hopper As "Drew Fangtastic" With George Clooney As "Sunday" Danny DeVito As "Tooty" And Louie Anderson As "Police Chief Piggy" Special Guest Star Jolene Blalock As "Wendy the Werewolf Killer"

Based on a true story

FADE IN: EXT. THE NEVADA DESERT The lights of Las Vegas glitter in the background as the camera finds a black van parked on the side of a lonely road. Beside the van, a woman stands peering at the city with a pair of binoculars. She lowers them revealing that she is quite the hottie. This is, of course, WENDY THE WEREWOLF KILLER. She bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and lets it slip through her fingers. Something in the dirt catches her attention and she holds it up to her eye in between her two fingers. It is a single hair. She smiles. WENDY Well, well, well... Helloooooo doggie! Wendy gets in her van and starts it up. She takes out a micro-minidisk recorder and starts talking to it. WENDY Three-ten-oh-two. Las Vegas, Nevada... no doubt about it. This city is home to one of those hairy horrible horrendous beasts I've pledged my life to destroying! For I am... WENDY THE WEREWOLF KILLER!!! Lighting crash. CUT TO: INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad is sitting on his couch in his underwear eating chips and watching TV. He belches loudly and scratches his crotch. There is a knock at the door. THAD S'open! Officer TOOTY, Officer SUNDAY, and Chief PIGGY enters. THAD Oh God, what now? PIGGY Don't give us the innocent act, Coffey! You know perfectly well what now! THAD Uh... actually, I don't. Would you like some Coffee? PIGGY Actually, yes... I'd like some Coffey in jail! THAD Why are you going to jail? PIGGY I'm not going to jail, you are! THAD But how are you going to have Coffee in jail if I'm in jail! PIGGY Because you will BE in jail. THAD Oh, and you're going to have coffee there? PIGGY YES! I'm going to have Coffey in jail! THAD Is there any reason you can't have Coffee here? PIGGY I DO have Coffey here! THAD So, do you want a cup of it or not? PIGGY Of what? TOOTY & SUNDAY COFFEE! THAD What? PIGGY I want Coffey. THAD Would you like your coffee black? PIGGY I have no idea how to respond to that. There is a long silence as Thad and Piggy stare at each other blankly. Finally, Tooty and Sunday who have been watching the entire sceptical in awe, clear their throats. TOOTY Perhaps we should return to the business at hand. SUNDAY That business being the killing spree going on in the city. PIGGY That's right! Thad Coffey, there have been twelve murders during the last twelve days. TOOTY That's one a day if you're keeping score. SUNDAY Nasty business. PIGGY That's right and since we've reached a dead end, we're just going to assume it's you. THAD Well, that's just great there, Chief Piggy, but I have an alibi. I was with Liam and Bippo last night watching Kari Wuhrer's movie, Splatter-Man. PIGGY Oh yeah? Well, what's it about, smart guy? THAD It's about this guy who get's bitten by a radioactive crab that gives him super-powers. You know, the ability to stop criminals with his super-powered sp--. TOOTY We GET the idea! SUNDAY Can your friends vouch for you whereabouts during that time? THAD No, but they could probably tell you that I was there with them when these murders were taking place. PIGGY (mad) Oh, you're good, Coffey, but sooner or later you're going to slip up and I'll be there to bring you down! Piggy stomps out the door with Tooty and Sunday. Liam enters with WENDY. LIAM Accused of murder again, huh? THAD Yeah, after three years it gets a little old. So, who's this tasty little dish? LIAM Oh, this is someone I met at the Casino. Her name is Wendy. THAD Hello, Wendy. I'm Thad. WENDY A pleasure to meet you, Thad. LIAM We're going on a date! THAD Get out! LIAM It's true! And THIS one isn't related to me! I checked! THAD Well, congratulations Liam and Wendy, I have to ask... WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HOT CHICKS SEE IN THIS DORK!? WENDY Liam is a sweet guy. I mean, I spilled a drink on my chest and he spent an hour making sure it was all cleaned off. LIAM (whispers to Thad) Hee Hee. I touched her boob. WENDY Isn't he funny? Well, come on Liam... let's go to the movie. LIAM Isn't it great, Thad? I've finally found a woman who appreciates the subtle complexity of Kari Wuhrer's body of work. We're going to go see that new one, "Clit-eral Damage". WENDY Heh... fun. LIAM Bye, Thad. Liam and Wendy leave. THAD Something's not right about this, but I can't put my finger on it. A beat. THAD Oh yeah... Piggy was talking about ME when he said "Coffey". Duh! Thad plops back down on his couch and resumes belching and scratching. FADE TO: EXT. A DARK ALLEYWAY Two men, VIC and TIM walk side by side down the deserted alley. VIC Hey Tim, did you hear what happened to Dee and Ed? TIM Yeah, Vic, they were found behind the MGM Grand... they look like they had been torn apart and their insides had been devoured! VIC Yeah... it's a good thing that the two of us chose to walk down this abandoned alley where any kind of psycho killer or murderous beast can't find us. There is a noise behind them and they both turn around. TIM OH MY GOD, IT'S... IT'S... They look closer at the approaching figure. TIM Oh, it's just you! VIC Yeah, you had us worried there for a-- The dark figure leaps on them. There is the sound of ripping, screaming, and splattering then a giant belch. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - HOURS LATER Liam and Wendy enter arm in arm. LIAM Oh, Wendy... meeting you was like a wet dream come true! WENDY Oh, it's just getting better my little man-toy. Why don't you get naked and meet me in the bedroom? Liam stands there for a minute, nods slowly, and then quickly exits to the bedroom. Wendy drops the seductress routine and stands there with her hands on her hips. She takes out the mini-disk recorder and starts talking. WENDY Slayer's log, date is... oh, who gives a damn? I've made friends with Liam Smith... a man (and I use that term loosely) who is known to have ties with the werewolf sighted in this area. I've met many of his friends and the top suspect so far is this Professor Arturo who came at me with a totally unbelievable story about coming from an alternate universe. What kind of hooey does he think I'll swallow? Speaking of which, it's time for me to make love to the man I'm using. Expect snide comments and belittling remarks during next entry. Wendy starts towards the bedroom when DONNER and TEMPUS enters arguing. DONNER Look, Tempus, I don't give a damn WHAT year you're from, you will NEVER convince me that there will EVER be Pink M&M's! I... (sees Wendy) Oh, hello Donna! What are you doing in Liam's apartment? WENDY I... er... I had no idea you knew Liam, Donner! DONNER Oh yeah! So, what have you been up to? It's been, what? Three years since I last saw you and you were asking all those questions about if I knew anyone who was never around during the full moon or if I knew of anyone whose breath smelled of blood and ass. WENDY I... er... I... LIAM (from bedroom) Wennnnnnndy! I'm in bed and I'm BUTT NAKED! TEMPUS Wendy? DONNER What Wendy? There's no Wendy here! Just you! Donna! (opens door, yells into bedroom) Hey, Liam! There's no Wendy in here! Whoa! Put that away, tiger! Liam storms out of the bedroom covered in "Monsters, Inc." bedsheets. LIAM What do you mean there's no Wendy in here! That's Wendy right there! DONNER No, no, no little one. That is Donna. We shared a romantic week together about a month before you moved to Las Vegas. TEMPUS I'm confused. Liam, Donner, and Tempus look at Wendy. LIAM Wendy? DONNER Donna? WENDY Y-Yes? TEMPUS I think you'd better explain, toots. DONNER There's no need to explain. She's obviously an evil twin. LIAM Or a clone. DONNER Or a secret agent. LIAM Or a counterpart from another dimension. DONNER Or the same person from a different time. LIAM She could be a doppelganger. DONNER Or a shape-shifter. LIAM Or a... WENDY DAMMIT! WILL THE TWO OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!!??? A beat. WENDY All right, you caught me. My name isn't Donna, Donner. It really is Wendy and I've been sworn to hunt the scourge of the supernatural world for years and years. LIAM Well, glad that's all cleared up. Come on, Wendy, let's get down to it. Liam takes her hand and starts leading her to the bedroom. Wendy pulls away and walks back into the room. WENDY No, Liam, I can't continue to deceive you. LIAM Of course you can! You can deceive me for just fifteen more minutes. WENDY No, Liam... I've grown to care about you too much to do that. LIAM Ten minutes! Just give me ten minutes! WENDY Liam, Donner... I am a slayer. LIAM Five minutes! WENDY Ever since my family was killed by one of those murderous beasts, I have been on a holy journey to wipe out all of their ilk. DONNER Bummer. LIAM Just one minute! I swear! Just one! TEMPUS Ah, a slayer. Great, wonderful. (to himself) God, this is a f*cked up time period. (to others) I suppose you'll want to kill Drew then? WENDY Drew? You mean... there IS one of those supernatural abominations in this city? TEMPUS Yeah, for starters. WENDY I suppose you'll fight me so I can't kill your friend? DONNER Hell no. Come on, I'll show you where he hangs out! WENDY Oh, Donner! You're the greatest! Donner and Wendy leave arm in arm. Liam stares blankly on. LIAM But... But... Thad enters. THAD Hey guys. What was all that about? TEMPUS Liam just got dumped. It turns out that Wendy was a vampire slayer and was just using him to get to Drew so she could slay him. THAD Slay Drew, huh? Well, more power to her. You GO girl. Who's hungry? TEMPUS As long as it's not Thai again, I'm game. EXT. A DARK ALLEYWAY - NIGHT A bag lady pushes a shopping cart full of her belongings down the alley. A dark figure appears behind her. She sighs. BAG LADY You again? Look, didn't I tell you not to call on me at work? I... Oh, it's YOU! I... What the!? ARGH! The dark figure pounces on her and she screams. The camera pans up to the full moon and we hear a loud belch. EXT. LAS VEGAS CEMETERY Donner and Wendy are walking hand in hand through the tombstones. DONNER ...and then I saved the Cosmic Butt head from the giant dog and we were all returned to normal size. WENDY Yeah, uh-huh. Are we there yet? DONNER Actually, yes. Drew hangs out in that tomb over there. Wendy marches over to Drew's tomb and knocks. WENDY All right, you Satanic monstrosity! I know you're in there so come out and there won't be any trouble... (silently) ...after I kill you. Drew sticks his head out of the door. DREW Who the bloody hell are y-- Wendy grabs Drew and throws him to the ground and starts stabbing him with a silver knife. WENDY DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DREW OW! What the...? OW! I... OW! STOP THAT YOU DENSE PSYCHO TART! Wendy stops stabbing Drew. WENDY You're not dead? Why aren't you dead? DREW Probably because silver doesn't work on vampires. DONNER What? I thought that silver DID work on vampires! DREW Oh, come on! What, do you believe everything you see in the movies? Now, what is this all about and tell me before I get pissed and start tearing you both apart! DONNER (points at Wendy) She tricked me into leading her to you. WENDY You're not a werewolf? DREW God, no! I'm a vampire and we're MUCH better. WENDY I see... Well, I apologize. I thought you were a werewolf. DREW No, Thad's the werewolf! WENDY Thad? DONNER Uh-oh. WENDY THAD IS A WEREWOLF AND HE WILL DIE!!! Wendy runs off camera. DONNER Well, it looks like Thad is in mortal danger. DREW Yeah, and what do you care? DONNER I care because he's my friend and neighbor and, if he dies, I won't be able to collect the fifty bucks he owes me from last nights poker game. Donner takes out a cell phone and dials. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Tempus, Liam, and Thad are all watching TV. The phone rings. Liam answers. LIAM WSUX is my favorite radio station with continuous country favorites and fun. (a beat) Really? I'm a winner!? INT. LAS VEGAS CEMETERY DONNER No, you stupid twit. I was just f*cking with you. LIAM (on phone) Oh. DONNER Liam, listen. A funny thing just happened. As it turns out, Wendy isn't a vampire slayer, she's a Werewolf Slayer. LIAM (on phone) Oh dear. DONNER Yeah, better give Thaddy-boy the heads up 'cause she's heading your way. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam hangs up the phone and looks at Thad. LIAM Thad, there's something I need to tell y-- THAD HOLY CRAP! LOOK AT THE BOOBS ON THAT BABE! Liam's attention is transfixed on the television. They all watch the screen for a minute. LIAM I say real. THAD Fake. TEMPUS I gotta say fake. THAD Right, so what were you saying, Liam? LIAM I... uh... Something about Wendy and Drew... uh... Oh yeah, Wendy is really a Werewolf Slayer. THAD That's nice. TEMPUS (points at TV) Titty! They look. LIAM Fake. THAD Fake. TEMPUS Fake. THAD Wait a minute... Wendy is a WHAT slayer? Wendy breaks down the door. WENDY DIE! DIE! DIE! Thad leaps out of the window as Wendy fires several silver bullets into the room. WENDY DAMN! Got away! TEMPUS What in the WORLD are you doing!? WENDY I'm going to destroy that horrible hellish man-beast! It was nice seeing you again. Wendy goes for the window. Liam stops her. LIAM Wait, you've got the wrong idea! Thad's not evil! He's a GOOD werewolf! WENDY Tuh! A good werewolf? What a load of garbage! Werewolves are all evil and it's up to me to kill them all! LIAM You don't have any proof that Thad is evil. WENDY Oh no? Well, what about all the murders during the last few weeks? Body after body is piling up and being ripped apart. Who else COULD it be! TEMPUS Honey, we could go on for hours. WENDY Enough! If you're not with me, you're against me! Come with me and help me kill this werewolf! LIAM And what if we don't? Wendy takes out a crossbow and fires it at Tempus. It flies between his legs and embeds itself into the wall behind him. TEMPUS (a beat) I'll get a taxi. EXT. A DARK ALLEYWAY A goth kid is walking down the alley when suddenly, a dark figure appears behind him. He sighs and turns around. GOTH KID All right, lets get this over with. The shadow pounces on him and starts tearing him apart. There is a giant belch as the camera pans away and TOOTY and SUNDAY appear in frame. SUNDAY There it is! TOOTY Stop or we'll shoot! The shadow runs away. SUNDAY We forgot to shoot. TOOTY Again. EXT. LAS VEGAS CEMETERY Donner walks up to Liam, Tempus, and Wendy. DONNER Hey guys, 'sup? WENDY We tracked the werewolf to this location. No doubt he thought he could petition the vampire for help. DREW (O.C.) Fat bloody chance! Kill the fleabag! WENDY Right, it's only a matter of time before we find him. LIAM I'm telling you, you're making a big mistake! Thad isn't evil, he's... Chief Piggy suddenly jumps out from behind a tombstone. PIGGY A KILLER!!! Music sting, lighting crash. Everyone jumps in fright. EVERYONE SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! PIGGY Sorry. DONNER What the HELL are YOU doing here! PIGGY We're tracking a killer. Tooty and Sunday were chasing it down the alley and I came here to head it off. TEMPUS Hey, isn't that alley the same alley that Thad takes to get from the apartments to here? LIAM No, it's impossible! Thad would never do anything like... A dark figure appears from behind Piggy. Liam, Donner, Tempus, and Wendy are stopped dead in their tracks. Piggy can't see it. PIGGY What? What are you all looking at? WHAM! The figure pounces on Piggy. There is a lot of screaming and ripping and finally the camera moves back to reveal WEREWOLF THAD sitting on top of Chief Piggy. DONNER Hey, it's true! Thad really IS a cold blooded killer! THAD Well, I... POW! Wendy kicks Thad in the face causing him to launch backwards a few dozen feet. Wendy and Liam goes after him, while Tempus and Donner stay behind to help Piggy up. Wendy is about to tackle Werewolf Thad when Liam suddenly tackles her. They tumble on the ground as Werewolf Thad leaps over a stone wall and disappears. WENDY You LET him get away! LIAM I couldn't let you kill him! I mean, yeah... there is a murdering beast out there ripping it's victims to shreds, but you can't prove it's Thad. WENDY He just tried to KILL the chief of police! LIAM Well, yeah... WENDY The swath of victims lead from here to the apartments. LIAM But I... WENDY Enough! Stay out of my way or I will kill you as I will kill him. Wendy stomps away. LIAM (mocking) Nee-nuff! Nay nout nuv nye nay nor nie nill nill nyah nyah nyah! WENDY (O.C.) WHAT!? LIAM Nothing! Donner and Tempus has helped Piggy to his feet as Liam and Wendy enter frame. LIAM Are you all right, Chief? PIGGY Perfectly fine. A good thing you were here, young lady. WENDY It's all part of my job to save the innocent from those monsters. It's a hunger, if you will. PIGGY A hunger? I can relate. Tempus looks at Piggy's corpulent form. TEMPUS That doesn't surprise me. PIGGY Yes, a hunger... I can understand. A hunger. DONNER So, you want to go get a burger? PIGGY Why bother when there is plenty to eat here? DONNER Huh? Piggy's eyes turn yellow and he turns into a dark form that grows to ten feet tall. LIAM What the poo-poo diddledy!? The beastly Piggy leaps into the air and bears down on Liam when, all of the sudden, WEREWOLF THAD tackles him and holds him down on the ground like a wrestler. Piggy seems to loose strength and finally returns to normal. WENDY DIE, WEREWOLF! DIE! She goes for her silver knife, but Liam stops her. LIAM NO! Can't you see that we've been telling you the truth the whole time! Thad just saved us from this... this.... (a beat, to Piggy) What the hell are you, anyway? PIGGY I'm a Siren. LIAM Siren! (a beat) What's a siren? Tooty and Sunday appear. TOOTY A Siren is a mythical beast that lures sailors to their doom by enchanting them and then ripping their souls from their bodies. Usually they're female, but in this case... SUNDAY Police Chief Piggy was cursed by a gypsy last week and will not return to normal until he has supped of twenty souls. TOOTY So far, he's taken nineteen. SUNDAY We only found out about this poor man moments ago. LIAM (to Thad) And how long have YOU known about this? THAD Since yesterday. I couldn't tell you guys because then, HE would know. DONNER You mean Piggy can read minds!? THAD No. You guys just can't keep your traps shut. I found out from this old guy who hangs out in the library that Sirens can't exist on sacred ground and if I held him down, he would loose his powers and we could stop him. Problem is, he was wearing shoes and no part of his skin was touching the ground so I had to-- WENDY DIE, WEREWOLF! She goes for Thad again. Tempus holds her back. TEMPUS Stop that! It's getting annoying! LIAM (to Sunday and Tooty) So, what are you guys going to do with him? SUNDAY We'll probably have to send him to prison where he can't hurt anyone again. TOOTY A shame, Chief Piggy is a decent man. WENDY DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! Tempus and Donner holds her back. LIAM If only there was a way we could save Chief Piggy. WENDY DIE, WEREWOLF! DIE! DIE! DIE! WEREWOLF THAD If only there was a way we could get this psycho slayer chick off my back. SUNDAY A way to allow Piggy to snare one more victim... TOOTY ...AND get this werewolf slayer out of the way. EVERYONE Hmmmmmm.... FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, Thad, Tempus, Donner, Tooty, and Sunday are standing there. SUNDAY I'm really going to miss Chief Piggy. A shame we couldn't figure out a way to get him one more victim. THAD Yeah, and it's too bad that we couldn't figure out a way to get rid of Wendy the Werewolf Killer... but I'm hoping that restraining order will do the job. LIAM We can hope although, they never seem to work. Just ask Kari Wuhrer. Wendy busts through a window with a bomb strapped to herself. WENDY DIE, WEREWOLF! DIE! THAD (rolls eyes) Dammit. LIAM See? Arturo bursts through the door holding a timer. ARTURO Chaps, you remember that little problem we had with the timer last time? Well, I finally managed to fix-- WENDY Hi-YAH! Wendy kicks Arturo in the face. The timer flies up into the air, lands on the ground and activates creating a wormhole that sucks Wendy inside. The wormhole snaps shut and everyone looks on in awe. ARTURO (holding nose) Who WAS that violent psycho hose beast? LIAM That was Wendy. THAD She was trying to kill me. DONNER Yeah, good riddance to her. TEMPUS Where exactly did she go? ARTURO Another dimension, probably... but without a timer, she has no hope of ever returning here. THAD Thank God! I'm finally free of that stalking weapon-happy harpy! LIAM Yeah, but it's a little sad, isn't it? DONNER You mean you WANTED her to kill Thad? LIAM No, dipstick. I mean, it's sad that her mind was so clouded with years of hate and prejudice that she couldn't even spare the one werewolf in the world that cared enough to save her life. THAD Hey, that is sad! Thanks, Liam... now I feel guilty. LIAM And what's worse? I STILL didn't get none! FADE TO: EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP WENDY THE WEREWOLF KILLER appears in a wormhole and flops to the ground. She looks up in confusion. WENDY What the...? Where AM I? Two figures approach her. It is a male and female WEREWOLF. FEMALE WEREWOLF Oh my STARS! It's a HUMAN! MALE WEREWOLF RUN FOR IT DEAR! Wendy looks around and, all around her, there are werewolves running away from her in fear. WENDY What the... They're... They're EVERYWHERE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! A black van pulls up and a female werewolf gets out in a skin tight leather suit and weilds a crossbow. WENDY Who... Who are you? HANNA I'm Hanna... THE HUMAN HUNTER! WENDY Aw, crap. Wendy runs as Hanna chases her into the sunset. The word "IRONY" begins to flash at the bottom of the screen. FADE OUT: THE END Roll credits.