The Lee M. Smith Show THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Episode 3.33 - "The Lee M. Smith Show" Written by Jason Gaston INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT Donner is busy writing on a computer and speaking to himself. DONNER And so, I not only believe that this movie was an utter piece of garbage, but I also believe that any theater unfortunate enough to screen this vile STD-infected genital secretion should be immediately fumigated of just burned, less the spirits of this atrocity infect others. The camera moves to reveal Liam behind him watching in wide eyed awe. LIAM That's a rather scathing review of Citizen Kane, don't you think? DONNER Yes... Now that I'm no longer a billionaire, I have to support my bastardly habits somehow and what better way to be a bastard than to be a film critic? I can sink a lovingly made and meticulously crafted multi-million dollar Oscar contender merely using the word "crap"! Boy, I'm glad that the Las Vegas Gambler had an opening for a critic, otherwise I would have had to have gone back to conning elderly people out of their retirement funds again. LIAM I'm glad you're happy. There is a knock at the door. DONNER Get that, would you? I'm too busy ripping E.T. a new one. Liam goes to the door and opens it. Taking up the entire doorway is a humongous stomach covered in orange hair. Flies can be heard buzzing around it. Liam slams the door. DONNER Who was it? LIAM (wide-eyed, terrified) I... I... I... WHAM! The door is kicked in flattening Liam against the floor. Donner leaps behind a couch as debris from the door flies past him. The camera finds two enormous shoes. One says "My Left Foot" and the other says "Tootise". The camera begins to move up until we reach the butt of the enormously fat man which says "Backdraft" on it. The camera moves around to reveal the fat man's shirt, a bright gaudy tie-dyed shirt stretched by the man's enormous fat gut to it's ripping point. The camera moves up revealing a bright orange beard and drool dripping down his chins. It is... DONNER My God... It's HARRY KNOWLES!! HARRY KNOWLES (Irish accent) SURPRISE! SURPRISE! MUSIC STING FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (TO THE THEME OF "MEAN GREEN MOTHER" FROM LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS) Better watch your cabinets. Better watch your goods. Better watch your children. He'd eat them if he could. Cause he's a big orange f*cker from the internet and he's fat! (Big orange f*uck!) He's a big orange f*cker from the internet and he'll eat you as a snack! He's a big orange f*cker from the internet, Got a million bucks by selling out, I bet. A big orange f*cker from the internet and he smells! OLÉ! -------------------------------------------------------------- THE LIAM SMITH SHOW Starring Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith" John Rhys-Davies as "Professor Arturo" Seann William Scott as "Thad Coffey" Robert Floyd as "Bippo the Clown" Also Starring Nobel Peace Prize Winner Jason Gaston as "Donner" Guest Starring Scott Caan DJ Qualls Chad Allen Chris Rock Judd Nelson Robert Floyd as "Flippo the Clown" Skeet Ulrich as "Doogan Kessler" and Harry Knowles as "Himself" The story you are about to read is completely true... except for the parts I made up. FADE IN: INT. DONNER'S APARTMENT Donner and Liam are backed up against the wall as Harry Knowles' ample form looms over them, drooling and panting. DONNER W-What do you want here, Harry? There's a Sizzler just down the street go there and leave us in peace! HARRY KNOWLES (Irish accent) Aye, I know about the Sizzler! I ate it on my way here! LIAM He smells like a corpse bathed in four week old moldy diarrhea! HARRY KNOWLES And who is this wee lad? DONNER This is Liam Smith. HARRY KNOWLES He kinda looks like a baby. YEAH! THAT'S IT! AH'M GONNA EATCHA! I'M BIGGER THAN YOU! I'M HIGHER IN THE FOOD CHAIN! GET IN MY BELLY! Liam runs out the door. Harry takes a couple of steps and gets so tired, he plops down in Donner's couch, destroying it. HARRY KNOWLES You're a lucky wee man! DONNER Okay, you're not here to eat us... Well, me... You're not here to eat me. What do you want? HARRY KNOWLES I came tah get the inside scoop! Donner goes into the kitchen and returns with a can of Lysol. He begins spraying Harry trying to kill the smell. DONNER Inside scoop on what? HARRY KNOWLES On the Lee M. Smith Show! Donner goes back into the kitchen an comes back with four more cans of Lysol. He proceeds to spray Harry down with it. DONNER The what? HARRY KNOWLES The Lee M. Smith Show! The television show about a hapless but lovable looser from Reno, Nevada who gets involved in all sorts of kooky adventures with his clown sidekick and werewolf friend! Donner has given up on the Lysol and is dusting Harry is potpourri. He hangs a pine-scented car hanger on Harry's ear. DONNER That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! THAD (V.O.) (muffled) Yeah! I agree! BIPPO (V.O.) (muffled) Liam is OUR sidekick! There is a silence. DONNER Uh... Guys? Where are you? BIPPO (V.O.) (muffled) I don't know... it's dark and it smells bad. Harry lifts up an enormous roll of stomach fat. BIPPO and THAD come tumbling out covered in a sticky translucent goo. BIPPO (dazed) No, Carol Ann! Don't go into the light! HARRY KNOWLES Sorry. DONNER Wait a minute... as I remember, there WAS a script I came up with a couple of years based on Liam and the gang where I changed their names and the facts around just a little so I wouldn't have to pay likeness fees. THAD You were going to bilk us out of likeness rights? DONNER Well... no. You see, I wrote the pilot and it turned out that no one would buy it... not even UPN! They passed on it to make The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfiffer! HARRY KNOWLES A riveting comedy that not only made you laugh... but made you think. Everyone looks at Harry. Harry holds up a Rolex that has "THE SECRET DIARIES OF DESMOND PFIFFER" etched on it. THAD It could be that someone stole your idea that you stole from our lives. DONNER BASTARDS! Well, I'm not going to stand for this! BIPPO Neither am I! I say we go to Hollywood and stop that show from being made until we gets our money! I'll go get the guys. HARRY KNOWLES And I'll go report this inside tidbit to my website. DONNER What inside tidbit? There wasn't any news here! HARRY KNOWLES I know. Therefore, I shall steal my news from ! Harry Knowles gets up and walks out the door, destroying the door frame. THAD What a fat f*ck. DONNER Thad, I guess you can tell Liam that it's all right for him to come back. THAD All right. Thad walks out. Donner looks around his apartment. DONNER Where's the hell's my couch? EXT. THE LAS VEGAS SIDEWALK Harry Knowles walks down the street with Donner's couch wedged between his gigantic ass cheeks. He turns down a corner and goes into a Chinese Restaurant. CHINESE CHIEF (O.C.) RUN! IT'S THE BEAST WITH MANY MOUTHS! Dozens of restaurant workers and patrons run screaming out the door and windows. FADE TO: EXT. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA The Hollywood Sign can been seen as the camera finds USA STUDIOS - "IF YOU THINK ALL TV IS CRAP, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET!" INT. USA STUDIOS DONNER, THAD, LIAM, and BIPPO are walking down a set as television executive PERSY P. PETERPUFFER leads them. PERSY P. PETERPUFFER Honestly, Mister Donner... I understand your concerns but we bought that script fair and square. DONNER Mister Peterpuffer, I never SOLD my script in the first place! PERSY P. PETERPUFFER Surely you aren't suggesting that USA Studios would do anything disingenuous, are you? We are the pinnacle of ethics! CUT TO: INT. HELL SATAN is sitting on his throne when SCRAPPY DOO walks up to him. SATAN EXCELLENT! Another television series from USA Studios is on the way! He laughs maniacally. SCRAPPY DOO Sir, Harry Knowles would like to sell his soul to loose ten pounds. SATAN Tell him that there are limits to even MY power! INT. USA STUDIOS Persy P. Peterpuffer leads them to a soundstage. Liam, Thad, Bippo, and Donner stop in their tracks. LIAM Does someone hear that Twilight Zone theme? The camera pans around to reveal that the stage has an exact copy of Liam's Apartment on it. BIPPO Oh... my... God! We've gone through a time warp and have traveled BACK to Las Vegas! LIAM Bippo, please... BIPPO DON'T you chastise me, young man! Next thing you know, we're going to be de-evolving into newts or something! DONNER This is an EXACT copy of Liam's apartment! You can't tell now that you didn't rip that off of my script. PERSY P. PETERPUFFER It's not an exact copy. Liam is reaching under the couch. He pulls out a copy of "Big 'Uns" with Kari Wuhrer on the cover. LIAM Oh, yes it is. The pages stick together and everything. Everyone looks at Liam. LIAM I spilled a soda on it. A beat. LIAM I'm not on trial here! DONNER RIP-OFF!!! PERSY P. PETERPUFFER Nonsense, why... here comes our cast right now and you can see that they are nothing like you and your friends here. The cast members of The Lee. M. Smith show enter. They stand across from their counterparts as though they are looking in some prevented mirror. There is a long silence as the two look at each other. BIPPO Who the F*CK are these people? PERSY P. PETERPUFFER This is DJ Qualls and he plays our hero, Lee M. Smith. DJ QUALLS Hello. LIAM Oh, hey! I loved you in road trip! Bippo smacks Liam upside the head. LIAM Oh, I mean... SCREW YOU! PERSY P. PETERPUFFER This is Chad Allen. He plays our werewolf, Ted Espresso. CHAD ALLEN Hello. THAD You mean to tell me that the little twerp on Doctor Quinn was actually a werewolf the whole time? CHAD ALLEN Actually, I'm not a werewolf at all. I have a stand in for all that stuff. THAD Who? DOOGAN KESSLER walks out. DOOGAN That would be me. THAD DOOGAN! DOOGAN Indeed. Your arch nemesis and the one who has sworn to one day destroy you. A beat. THAD Are you wearing make-up? A beat. DOOGAN This is show business, Thad... all the stars wear make-up. A beat. DOOGAN They DO! THAD So, you're a TV star now. DOOGAN For the time being... at least until I can completely and utterly destroy you! Bippo points to his counterpart. BIPPO Who's THIS monkey spank? FLIPPO Bippo, you know who I am! I'm Flippo the Clown! I'm your as-evil as-you twin brother. BIPPO Ah, so you betrayed me for the allure of television, eh? How can you sleep at night? FLIPPO On a large pile of money with many beautiful women. BIPPO Need a stunt double? PERSY P. PETERPUFFER Finally, we have our villainous billionaire, Jay Diller played by executive producer, Scott Caan. Donner looks at Scott Cann. DONNER Good God... What is with your neck? SCOTT CAAN What's wrong with my neck? DONNER It's bigger than your head! A beat. DONNER Waaaait... I'm starting to remember something now. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A MOVIE THEATER The marque displays "VARSITY BLUES". DONNER comes out of the theater arm in arm with Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz. DONNER That was the worst football movie I've ever seen! And what about that Scott Caan? What is with his neck? NICOLE KIDMAN I totally agree! Let's go home and fool around! PENELOPE CRUZ No, Donner! You said you were going to fool around with me! Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz get into a cat fight. DONNER Ladies... Ladies... There is enough of me to go around? Why make war when we can make wild nasty monkey love? PENELOPE CRUZ Oh, Donner! You're such a cutie! NICOLE KIDMAN Yeah, unlike that mutant Scott Caan and his huge neck! They laugh and walk out of frame as Scott Caan enters frame crying. SCOTT CAAN I'll destroy that Donner if it's the last thing I do! PASSERBY (O.C.) THAT'S A HUUUUUUGE NECK! SCOTT CAAN (crying) SHUT UP! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: INT. USA STUDIOS As before. LIAM Wow, so Scott Caan vowed to destroy you because you made fun of the size of his gargantuan mutated neck? DONNER Yes... And we've been mortal enemies ever since. DJ QUALLS Can I go on break now? SCOTT CAAN NO! AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, I ORDER YOU TO DESTROY DONNER AND HIS FRIENDS! There is a long beat. CHAD ALLEN That's not in my contract. SCOTT CAAN Persy! Persy P. Peterpuffer takes out a contract and shows it to DJ Qualls, Chad Allen, and Flippo the Clown. DJ QUALLS Well, I'll be damned. There it is. FLIPPO Yep... All stars of a Scott Caan production are contractually obliged to kill and/or seriously maim Jason Donner. CHAD ALLEN Teach me not to read a contract before I sign. DJ QUALLS Chad! I'm surprised at you! You're ALWAYS supposed to read a contract before you sign! CHAD ALLEN I'm sorry... I took lessons from Bill Murray! He never reads the contract before a movie. Or is it the script? I forgot. DONNER Script. DOOGAN Script. THAD Script. BIPPO Script. FLIPPO Script. LIAM Script. CHAD ALLEN Ah. SCOTT CAAN Enough chit-chat! Destroy them! DOOGAN Will do! Doogan wolfs out and leaps at Donner but is caught mid-air by a STUNTMAN in a silver jumpsuit. STUNTMAN Whoa, there Rex. DOOGAN WHAT are you doing!? I have to kill them! My executive producer demands that I KILL! KILL! KILLLLLLLLL!!! STUNTMAN Not today you're not. The stuntmen union's decided to strike. DOOGAN Huh? SCOTT CAAN WHAT!? STUNTMAN It's a walkout, my friend. Come on. SCOTT CAAN NO! SCOTT CAAN DEMANDS THAT YOU KILL! Doogan looks at Scott Caan, then back at the stuntman, then back at Scott Caan. STUNTMAN (warning to Doogan) You don't want to loose your union membership, do you? DOOGAN I... er... STUNTMAN You don't want to be a scab, do ya? DOOGAN I am no scab! (to Scott Caan) UNION! UNION! UNION! Doogan and the stuntman walk out. SCOTT CAAN Drat! Foiled by a low benefit medical plan! Not to worry, I still have my loyal minions, DJ Qualls, Flippo the Clown, and Chad Allen! Kill the-- A beat as Scott Caan looks around. SCOTT CAAN Where are they? LIAM Well, Tom Green walked in and told DJ that he was making Road Trip II and he told you to shove this penny ante project up your you-know-what. Then, Ellen DeGeneres and Rupert Everet picked up Chad Allen in a limo to take him to some sort of parade. I didn't catch which. SCOTT CAAN And Flippo? LIAM Bippo called him a butt-head and Flippo stomped off saying something about "I'll be in my trailer!" SCOTT CAAN Flippo does not have a trailer! LIAM That's what I told him, but he said he was going to keep looking until he found one. SCOTT CAAN F*CKING ACTORS! DONNER Give it up, Scott Caan! You and your enormous neck are beaten! SCOTT CAAN Not quite! I have yet another ace up my sleeve. LIAM (blankly) How will that help? Scott Caan whistles. There is a distant rumbling and then a whistling sound like a cartoon bomb being dropped from the sky. It gets louder and louder and louder until... KABAM! HARRY KNOWLES crashes through the ceiling of the studio and lands in front of everyone. It takes an additional five minutes for him to stop jiggling. SCOTT CAAN Ah... Harry Knowles! LIAM Good god! HARRY KNOWLES (Irish accent) FIRST THINGS FIRST! WHERE'S YOUR SH*TTER? I GOT A TURTLE HEAD POKING OUT! There is a long beat. HARRY KNOWLES I'm no kiddin'. It's SQUIDGEY! Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional just talking about it. SCOTT CAAN No! I promised you a scoop on Star Wars Episode III in exchange for you destroying Donner and his friends! BIPPO Oh, give me a break! What's this fat bastard going to do to us? Persy P. Peterpuffer runs into the studio. PERSY P. PETERPUFFER Oh, my stars and garters! What's going on he-- SLUUUUUUURP! Harry Knowles eats Persy P. Peterpuffer and belches loudly. Donner, Liam, Thad, and Bippo bunch together and shiver. BIPPO Mama! SCOTT CAAN Finish them Knowles! Finish them now! HARRY KNOWLES GET IN MY BELLY! Liam, Donner, Bippo, and Thad run for the door. Scott Caan laughs and runs out another exit. Harry Knowles takes off after the gang. EXT. USA STUDIOS The gang runs outside the giant soundstage. Donner looks around. DONNER Over there! That would be an excellent place to hide! They run for a different soundstage as Harry Knowles bursts out of the soundstage taking out an entire wall. INT. A STUDIO The set is made up to look like an desolate alien world. A couple of actors in futuristic garb are on stage as a STAGEHAND enters frames with a clapper. STAGEHAND "Pitch Black II: Pitch Blacker." Take five. DIRECTOR Action! ACTOR #1 What are we going to do? These aliens only come out to feed at night and now there is a total eclipse and they are all going to come out and eat us! ACTOR #2 Perhaps that dangerous criminal will save us. CHRIS ROCK enters. CHRIS ROCK WHY is it that there only white folk in the future? Ever notice how they're ain't no black folk on The Jetsons except maybe for Rosie and dat bitch is a robot! Donner, Liam, Thad, and Bippo run by. BIPPO (to Chris Rock) ROCK, YOU WAS DAH BOMB IN "POOTIE TANG," YO! Rock gives him the power salute before he and everyone else on stage is scooped into Harry Knowles mouth and eaten. EXT. USA STUDIOS The gang looks at a Studio and screams in terror. The camera pans around to reveal the sign "PLINCHET AND McCLAIN II: FORBIDDEN PASHIONS - NOW FILMING!" They look in a different direction and scream in terror again as they see another sign on a different soundstage that says "CABIN ON THE LAKE III: ALL WET - NOW FILMING". Behind them, Harry Knowles erupts from the previous soundstage. LIAM What do we do!? It's death in one direction and pain worse than death in the other two!? THAD Now time! Eeeny, meeny, miney, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers make him pay. Fifty dollars every day. My mother and your mother were talking a little... Donner gets fed up, grabs Thad, and runs to "The Cabin on the Lake" set. Liam and Bippo follows. INT. A STUDIO JUDD NELSON is sitting in a boat filming "The Cabin by the Lake III". JUDD NELSON Oh yes... I just need to add one more pretty lady to my collection at the bottom. Just one more... Just one... Donner, Bippo, Liam, and Thad leap out of the water and jump into the boat. JUDD NELSON GAH! Who the hell are you people! LIAM We're running from a gargantuan fat internet geek who wants to eat us. DONNER Yeah, so shut up and get me a soda! JUDD NELSON But, I'm not a caterer! I'm Judd Nelson! I was a member of the brat pack! I was... DONNER I SAID, GET ME A SODA, BITCH! JUDD NELSON Yes sir. Judd Nelson stands up. Harry Knowles LEAPS out of the water like a humpback whale, snatches Judd Nelson off the boat, and splashes back into the water creating a tsunami that washes everyone out of the studio. DONNER I think we should leave now. BIPPO Up there! Bippo points to a catwalk. DONNER Sure, what the hell. Donner, Liam, Thad, and Bippo climb up a ladder onto the catwalk and start making their way across the walkway high above the stage. LIAM You know, I know that this is a terrible time to mention this... but this is a really bad escape route because we've basically been cornered and... WHAM! Harry Knowles leaps up and grabs the catwalk in front of them with his teeth, ripping it loose. Both he and the section of catwalk falls back into the water leaving the gang hanging on for dear life high above the floor. THAD I don't want to die like this! Come to think of it, I don't want to die any way! Liam looks up and sees a canister of oxygen just in reach. LIAM Bippo, can I borrow a gun? Bippo throws Liam a Magnum with laser sight. BIPPO Her name is Scarlet. Treat her well. DONNER What are you going to do? LIAM You ever seen Jaws? Harry Knowles leaps out of the water again. Liam drops the oxygen canister into his mouth and then takes aim with the gun as Harry Knowles is about to devour them. LIAM SMILE, YOU SON OF A BITCH! Liam fires at the Oxygen canister. It explodes spattering Harry Knowles all over the place and all over the gang. DONNER UGH! THAD Tastes like bacon! BIPPO Well, look on the bright side. We're all alive, right? There is a creaking sound above them. They all slowly look up. EXT. THE SOUNDSTAGE The battered building collapses into a pile of rubble. INT. THE SOUNDSTAGE WRECKAGE Donner, Liam, Bippo, and Thad crawl out. LIAM That wasn't so bad. Donner's cell phone rings. DONNER Oh, what now? He answers it. DONNER This is Donner. INT. SCOTT CAAN'S HIDEOUT SCOTT CAAN Donner? You're still alive, my old friend? INTERCUT DONNER STILL... old... friend. You've managed to kill just about everyone else here, but like a poor marksman you just KEEP missing the target! SCOTT CAAN Perhaps I no longer need to try. From a different soundstage, the banner "THE LEE M. SMITH SHOW - DEBUTING THIS FALL ON USA" is unrolled. The gang looks on in horror. DONNER You've got your show, Caan. But you don't have me. You wanted to kill me, Caan, you're going to HAVE to come down here! SCOTT CAAN I've done worse that kill you, Donner... I've hoort you. And I wish to go on hoorting you. I shall leave you as you left me... marooned for all eternity in the center of a culturally dead studio. Buried alive... (whispers) Buried alive... DONNER (enraged) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! EXT. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA The camera makes a panoramic sweep across the city as climactic music blares. DONNER (echoing) CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! INT. THE SOUNDSTAGE WRECKAGE As before. LIAM (to Thad) Did that seem a little familiar to you? Donner hangs up. DONNER SH*T! FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, Donner, Thad, and Bippo are sitting on the couch watching TV. CHIP BEAVERMILK And now, for our special entertainment report, here's Connie Lingus. CONNIE LINGUS Thanks, Chip. USA Studios is still reeling from it's disastrous offering of "The Lee M. Smith Show" the show so terrible, it was actually yanked off the air before the first episode was finished with. Executive producer Scott Caan could not be reached for comment therefore, we will assume that he is a complete dipsh*t. Liam clicks off the TV. LIAM It's good to see good taste prevail. DONNER Yes, but there's just one thing I don't understand... BIPPO How Liam hit that canister with just one shot? THAD Why Chris Rock was in the Pitch Black sequel? LIAM Why Thad never wolfed out and saved us? DONNER Okay, there are several things I don't understand, but the most prevalent is how in the hell Caan got his hands on my script in the first place! PROFESSOR ARTURO enters wearing a fur coat, diamond encrusted sunglasses, a velvet hat with a feather in it, and a diamond ring on each finger. ARTURO (smells) It smells like up dog in here. LIAM What's up dog? ARTURO WHAT'S UP, DOG!? Arturo laughs. ARTURO Forgive me, my boy... Now, I came to tell Thad that there is a terrible leak in the basement that needs to be fixed. THAD I'll get right on it, professor. ARTURO There's a good lad. If anyone needs me, I'll be in Hawaii for two weeks. Arturo exits. DONNER Yep... someone sold me out to Scott Caan, but the question is. Who? LIAM I guess we'll never know. DONNER Well, one thing's for sure... this isn't the last I've heard of Scott Caan. There's no telling what that evil devious bastard has in store ne-- SPLAT! A pie hits Donner in the face. Scott Caan is standing in the doorway. SCOTT CAAN Gotcha, you big poopie head! He runs away laughing. DONNER I hate him. FADE OUT: THE END ROLL CREDITS