Liam Smith: Behind the True Hollywood Biography

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.34 "Liam Smith: Behind the True Hollywood Biography"
Written by Jesse Glaspey

INT. LIAM'S PLACE. Chip Beavermilk is sitting on a chair in the middle of Liam's place. It's slightly dim and very quiet. We pull back to reveal he's in the middle of a set on a studio sound stage. CHIP Welcome! I'm Chip Beavermilk and this is Liam Smith's apartment at Upda Creek Apartments. For three years, this innocent looking one bedroom, one bathroom bachelor pad has been the focal point for several adventures and comedic escapades. But many may not know that these adventures and escapades aren't just limited to on screen antics. Tonight you're going to get to see and hear about some of those off-camera antics tonight… as we interview the cast of the Liam Smith Show! MUSIC PLAYS FADE OUT -------- ------------ ------------------ -- THEME SONG (Set to the tune of "Mr. Chevy Celebrity" by Less Than Jake off their album "Borders and Boundries". As the theme song plays and each cast member is named, a clip of that cast member laughing is shown) Well I thought all my friends were weird, Then I met this guy from Vegas! Hangs out with werewolves, clowns and superheroes! This started three years ago... We never thought it'd go far! We never thought it'd go far! It all started 'cause of one Tom Cruise joke! Now you wanna know what weed that we smoked! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Hangs out with the fat guy from Indiana Jones! Liam Smith! Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) His sister was the girl he was gonna bone! Liam Smith! He's always getting attacked! Then Capeman shows up and he saves the day now! With the Justice Squad, yeah! We really want you to know... They're gonna get a spin-off! Gonna get a spin-off! It all started 'cause of one Tom Cruise joke! Now you wanna know what weed that we smoked! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Hangs out with Tempus, Bippo, Thad and Drew Liam Smith! Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Wanted dead by Satan, Senestra and Scrappy Doo Liam Smith! Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) Yeah, here we go again! OLE! (Whoooooh!) Here we go again! Liam Smith! (Whoooooh!) ------------ ------------------ -------- The Liam Smith Show STARRING Dian Bachar as Liam Smith CO-STARRING Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham David Hopper as Drew Fangtastic Gary Dourdan as Tempus RuPaul as Chocolate Treat Neil Patrick Harris as Gary the Fanboy Kari Wuhrer as Herself Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as Himself And runner-up for Miss Congeniality… Jason Gaston as Donner GUEST STARRING Marina Sirtis as Senestra Malevolous David Peckinpah as Satan Reese Witherspoon as Kathy Hilter Ben Affleck & Matt Damon as the Omega Nerds Skeet Ulrich as Doogan Kessler The Kids In The Hall as the Tribunal Of Evil Frank Welker as the voice of Megatron AND Michael Keaton as Chip Beavermilk THIS EPISODE DESTROYED CONTINUITY IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE! INT. THE SET OF LIAM'S APARTMENT. Chip is in his chair. Sitting next to him is Liam, Stacy, Donner, Bippo, Arturo and Thad, Chocolate Treat, Tempus, Drew Fangtastic, Gary the Fanboy and Kari Wuhrer. Chip has a handful of blue cards in front of him. CHIP If it was known for one thing, The Liam Smith Show would be known for it's eclectic cast. Here with me now are some of the residents of Upda Creek. We also have a series of questions sent to us by the viewers that we'll be asking you. Ready? The cast nods and agrees. CHIP First, Liam Smith. The star. The man. The myth. How did you get your role on this show? LIAM Well, I auditioned and got the role after the original star bowed out. CHIP Who was the original star of the show going to be? LIAM Brad Pitt. Chip stares at Liam LIAM The show was supposed to be called The Brad Pitt Show. But he decided not to do it. Something about "self respect" and "dignity". CHIP Those must have been tough shoes to fill. LIAM Not so much. CHIP One viewer writes "Dear Liam, what's with the Kari Wuhrer obsession?" LIAM Well, it all started when the producers wanted a female Venus type character for me to lust after. After a couple of bad screen tests with other actresses we finally settled on Kari. CHIP We have a couple of those screen tests. Let's watch! CUT TO: A screen test. Courtney Love is in standing in front of Liam. LIAM (Reading the script) "I watch you every week, Courtney!" COURTNEY (Drunk & smoking a cigarette) Get away from me… don't… don't touch me! Courtney swings a couple of wild punches and passes out. DIRECTOR NEXT! CUT TO: Another screen test. Anne Heche is standing on front of Liam. LIAM "I watch you every week, Anne!" ANNE SHHH! The marmosets are planning their tea party! If we dance with these light bulbs, they'll never see us! Hee hee! LIAM Ummmmm… sure. DIRECTOR NEXT! CUT TO: One more screen test. Shannen Doherty is standing in front of Liam. LIAM "I watch you every week, Shannen!" SHANNEN F**k, whatever. S**t, when's lunch? And who's ass do I have to kick to get a f**king cigarette around here? LIAM Can we finish the audition first? SHANNEN I'll f**king kill you, you little s**t! Shannen breaks a glass bottle and lunges for Liam. They collapse to the ground fighting. DIRECTOR NEXT! CUT TO: Back to the set. Chip pulls out another question. CHIP Stacy, Liam… This question is for both of you. "You both recently discovered you're brother and sister. How did this affect your relationship?" Stacy and Liam stare at Chip with blank confused looks as if the answer was obvious. Chip looks at the card and laughs. CHIP I'm sorry! My apologies! This question is for my interview with the Osmonds later today. STACY & LIAM (laughing) Ohhhhh. CHIP Now let's have a peek at some out takes from their relationship. Roll the clips! CUT TO: A scene from "2001: A Spaced Oddity". STACY I didn't know what to think. I mean, it's no small penis that he… Stacy cracks up laughing. STACY Heh. Can we do that again? CUT TO: The same scene. STACY I didn't know what to think. I mean, it's no small penis… hahahahaha! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. One more time. CUT TO: Same scene. STACY I didn't know what to think. I mean………F**k! Stacy laughs and walks off. The crew starts laughing. CUT TO: A scene from "HottieMama2027" Stacy looks down at the flowers HottieMama tossed her and then at Liam. Liam looks at the flowers and then at Stacy. They stare at each other for a minute until, finally... LIAM We introduce those two fat f**ks to each other and all we get are flowers? STACY What a f**king ripoff! Let's key their car and let the air out of their tires! Stacy spikes the bouquet and her and Liam walk off. The extras at the wedding start laughing. CUT TO: A scene from "Tomorrow Is Yesterday Or Something" LIAM So, Kari... Would you do me the great honor of being my bride? Stacy is silent. Liam is too. He bites his lip realizing his boo-boo. STACY How did you know? Stacy and Liam crack up. CUT TO: A scene from "Much Ado About Knotting" THAD ...then that means... STACY ...we're... LIAM Oh... DAMMIT!!! ARTURO (puts his hand on Liam's shoulder) Don't worry, my boy. There's better for you out there… and it's right here! Arturo grabs Liam and goes in for a kiss. Liam is laughing hysterically, fighting Arturo off. CUT TO: Back to the set and Chip. CHIP Brilliant stuff! Chip looks at Donner. CHIP Jason Donner. Former head of DonCo. Former businessman, Former billionaire… but still a self centered capitalist. DONNER (laughing) Dick. CHIP One viewer writes in "Dear Donner. All you care about is money, money, money. You'd sell out your friends for a quick buck. What made you like this?" DONNER Catholic School. EVERYONE (Understanding) Ahh…. CHIP Interesting. We didn't know that. What else don't we know about you? DONNER Nothing really. The group coughs. DONNER What? What? STACY He's the cast member who botches most of his lines. DONNER I do not!!! STACY Really? Check this out then! Roll the clip. CUT TO: A scene from "Who Is Capeman?" DONNER You're the one who vopurized the entire papolation of Sweden? Argh. CUT TO: Same scene. DONNER You're the one who poporized the entire vapulation of Sweden? DAMMIT! CUT TO: Same scene. DONNER You're the one who… did… stuff? Donner starts laughing. CUT TO: A scene from "Citizen Donner" DONNER You and the server suit not charging for your silvices and all… She sells seashells by the seashore! S**t! CUT TO: A scene from "…Into the fire" DONNER Tai Boo ain't got nothing on that work out… DIRECTOR Tae bo! DONNER Tay bao? DIRECTOR TAE BO! DONNER Gotcha. Tae Bo ain't got…. Crap! You messed me up! The director and crew start laughing. CUT TO: Chip and the cast laughing at the bloopers. CHIP Fantastic. Chip turns to Arturo. CHIP Arturo. You're the one cast member who already has experience in bizarre situations. What did you bring with you when you came on the show in the second season? ARTURO Well, my experience on Sliders couldn't prepare me for anything on this show. All the technobabble, all the british colloquialisms and all the intelligence and charm could not prepare me for one thing… CHIP What's that? ARTURO They're all f**king nuts. Every last one of them! The group laughs. CHIP We have a viewer mail question for you. "I am simply amazed at all of the high-tech makeup techniques that are used in television nowadays. I was just wondering, how many hours does it take the actor who plays the Professor to get into his fat suit?" That's a good question, aren't you hot in that thing? Arturo's face goes red… ARTURO HOW DARE YOU? YOU BLISTERING IDIOT! DAMMIT! AT LEAST O'CONNELL KNEW WHEN TO KEEP HIS IDIOTIC MOUTH SHUT! Arturo storms off and Chip shifts uncomfortably in his chair. CHIP Um, here's some clips… CUT TO: A scene from "Slide Of The Century" Arturo takes the dustbuster and enters some coordinates. ARTURO Allowing for the random pattern of travel between universes… The batteries fall out of the dustbuster. ARTURO F**king Black and Decker! CUT TO: A scene from "The Nutty Professor" Arturo falls to the floor howling in pain. ARTURO OH SWEET JESUS IT HURTS! OH GOD, THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL! MOMMY! Liam looks down at Arturo LIAM Are… are you okay? Arturo jumps back up. ARTURO (Grabs Liam) ARGH! THE AGONY! THE AGONY…… hold me? Liam starts laughing. Arturo cracks up as well. CUT TO: The set. Chip is sitting next to Bippo CHIP Bippo D. Clown. Upda Creek's resident sociopath. But the fans want to get to know the REAL Bippo. Why don't you share him with the rest of us… Bippo pauses. He looks to the other crew members. They nod. Bippo looks back at Chip. BIPPO (British accent) Very well. This is me. The real Bippo. My real name is Morton K. Farsworth the 4th. I studied at Oxford and honed my craft at Juilliard. I joined the Groundlings acting troupe five years ago. Auditioned for the role of Bippo and got the part. I try to bring a quiet malaise to the role that sometimes gets lost in the off color shenanigans. Chip is stunned. CHIP I… I… had no idea that's the real you… A pause. BIPPO … Nah! I'm just f**king with you! That's all bulls**t! With me, what you see is what you get! Chip pauses, catches on and then laughs. CUT TO: A scene from "Liam Smith And The Convention Of Doom" BIPPO BIPPO THAT'S IT! NO MORE MR. NICE CLOWN!!! Bippo picks up a klingon bat'leth. The blade falls off the handle. BIPPO (Starts laughing) Oh s**t. Anyone got some super glue? CUT TO: A scene from "Bad Blood" Bippo was feeding a bird some food pellets. BIPPO Yes, eat up you beautiful bird. Soon you will be ripe for the roasting. Bwahahahaha! Bippo looks around. BIPPO (Southern accent) But before we do that... You sure got a purty mouth! We hear several crew members start laughing. CUT TO: Chip is now with Thad. CHIP Thad, you're a werewolf. How much did that affect your role? Was it tough to read lines in your werewolf form? THAD Actually, the truth about the show is this: There are actually TWO werewolves for the show. I've had control of my werewolf form for a long time. But I don't want to get hurt doing all those stunts… so they brought in a stunt-wolf. Some bald fat guy with a beard walks on. THAD This is Earl. Our stunt-wolf. Unfortunately, he wasn't as well trained as me… CUT TO: A scene from "N'Stink" Thad wolfs out on TRL. The girls run for it. Thad pounces on Carson Daly. CARSON ARGH! HELP! OH GOD! WHAT IS IT DOING TO ME??? The camera pulls back to reveal the wolf isn't devouring Carson. It's humping him. Some crew members run on camera to pull Earl off Carson. CUT TO: A scene from "The Big Ones: Part Two" Bippo is up against the wall at the dead-end of the alley. The Werewolf is slowly closing in on him. BIPPO Find a happy place... Find a happy place! The wolf starts peeing. BIPPO OH! EEW! That's disgusting! Several crew members run on screen with mops and a rolled up newspaper… CUT TO - A scene from "Dances With Werewolves". THAD They just asked me a bunch of stuff about Drew. LIAM Fangtastic? THAD No, Carrey... OF COURSE FANGTASTIC! They found out that I know him, so they asked me about all this stuff like where he lives and... And... where he stays... And... What his favorite food is... And does he really have that birthmark on his thigh and what's his favorite Monkee and can they SPANK that monkey? Everyone starts laughing. CUT TO: Chip sitting with Kari, Gary, Tempus, Chocolate Treat and Drew. CHIP I'm here with some of the recurring characters. But just because they're only on every other episode doesn't make them any less beloved. Kari, you're portrayed as being brainless, how do you feel about that? KARI I know! Totally! When my assisstant read the script to me they described the character as being a "total birdbrain" And I just thought "Why is being compared to a bird so bad?" Birds are pretty, they fly and they make air when they flap their wings! The stork brings mommies and daddies their children and… OH… MY… GOD! What about Big Bird? He is so awesome! Kari starts to ramble on as Chip gestures to the crew to kill her mic. Her mic cuts out as she's still talking. Chip ignores Kari and he turns to Gary. CHIP Gary, for some reason, you're the most hated character of all the gang at Upda Creek. Why is that? GARY I'll tell you why… The producers totally f**king suck! I auditioned for the role of Capeman but instead they stuck me with this "fanboy" gimmick! Tell me… would a fanboy have this chest? I used to model for Calvin Klein, for crissakes! Gary rips off his shirt to reveal he's ripped. GARY And how many times have I been humiliated on this show? Too many! I refuse to sleep with one producer and wham! My career goes down the toilet! Gary starts ranting. Chip makes the gesture to the crew again. The mic cuts and Chip moves on to Tempus. CHIP Tempus. You're one of the newest characters and you're from the future… How does living in the present affect you? Was the transition tough to make? TEMPUS Well, coming from an era where peace and love were the norm, a dollar buys you a full three course meal and movies are good to this era… CHIP It doesn't compare, huh? TEMPUS Not in the least! The future sucks!!! I mean check this out! Tempus pulls out a can of Pringles. TEMPUS They're chips… and they're in a can! Brilliant! And delicious! You can bring these anywhere and they don't get ruined! We didn't have these in my era! Tempus pops the can open and starts wolfing them down. Chip stares for a second and turns his attention to Drew. CHIP Drew, we actually have a viewer question for you… Chip pulls a card off the stack. CHIP "Dear Drew, What is it like being a eunuch?" Drew immediately looks irritated. DREW I am NOT a eunuch! Who wrote that question? CHIP (Looks at the card) It's written by… HEY! This wasn't one of the viewer cards! It's written in crayon! Drew grabs the card, looks at it and sees Thad laughing off camera. Drew grabs another one of Chip's cards. DREW Hey, Thad! I have a viewer question for you! "Dear Thad, why do you suck? Love, Mom." Thad angrily walks on screen and grabs a card. THAD "Dear Drew, When is that nice boy Thad going to come over and give me some of that sweet man-ass again? Love, Mom." DREW My mother has been dead for decades now, you idiot! THAD I guess that's why she didn't move much… DREW BASTARD! Drew tackles Thad sending them off camera. Chip ignores them and turns to Chocolate Treat CHIP Chocolate, we have a question for you that all the viewers want an answer to… "Are you a dude"? CHOCOLATE TREAT What? Why do people keep asking me that? I wanna set the record straight right now… As Chocolate Treat is about to tell the truth, Drew and Thad come barreling on-screen again and slam into the production equipment sending them off-air. CUT TO: A cartoony picture of a stalwart looking Donner on a horse with the words "Please Stand By" underneath. VOICE OVER We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please enjoy these bloopers in the meantime! CUT TO: A scene from "Timecrash" Tempus points to the display as Thad watches. THAD I think I know why. TEMPUS The question isn't why, Thad, it's... (a long beat.) THAD It's what's your next line? TEMPUS (embarassed) I was getting to it! Honest! CUT TO: A scene from "Revelations" Drew lies on the ground, covered in his (?) own blood, an empty beer bottle in his hand. BOUNCER Didn't he have a whiskey glass before? Drew rises to his feet in one swift movement and smashes the bottle over the head of the lead bouncer, unfortunately the bottle doesn't break and the Bouncer staggers back then stands there confused. DREW (To the Bouncer) You okay? BOUNCER Yeah. Try again. The bouncer laughs a little and they get ready to try again. Drew breaks the bottle this time and the Bouncer goes down. DIRECTOR (Off screen) And…. CUT! The Bouncer gets back up, him and Drew hug and the crew applaud. CUT TO: A scene from "So I Married A Nerd" Gary hands the letter to Liam. GARY What, does it say "you can see me"? LIAM (Holding back laughter) No. It's a naked picture of a woman! Gary looks over Liam's shoulder at the picture. GARY MOM? Liam cracks up laughing. CUT TO: A scene from "Revenge Is Sweet" Chocolate Treat has Liam tied up. LIAM W-What are you going to do to me? CHOCOLATE TREAT I'm going to make you suffer a fate worse than death... A horror so imaginable that men go mad from the mere mention of it… LIAM Huh? CHOCOLATE TREAT I'm going to… FORGET MY LINES!!! Chocolate Treat starts laughing. Liam gets up and hugs her. CUT TO: A scene from "Significant Shrinkage" Kari hops on the bed with Mr. Winkles and pulls out a book to start reading. LIAM See? I don't know why you guys keep insulting her intelligence. She's reading a book! Kari is pausing. KARI LINE? DIRECTOR (Off-screen) "Not on a boat. Not on a plane. I do not like them Sam-I-Am. I do not like green eggs and ham!" KARI Got it. Kari goes back to the book. DIRECTOR (Off-Screen) Um, Kari? You're holding the book upside down. Kari (Oh! What's everyone laughing at?) Rim shot ------ ----------- ---------------- ------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon to NBC! THE WEAKEST LINK: X-FILES EDITION! Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Reyes, Skinner, Krycek, Cancer Man and The Bounty Hunter are at the podiums Anne Robinson: For one of these eight people, the truth is NOT out there! Weakest Link: X-files! Followed by Fear Factor: Sliders! (David Peckinpah is cowering in fear) Peckinpah: What is that? WHAT THE F**K IS THAT? Joe Rogan: It's an orignal story for Sliders, you pussy! ----------------------- ------------------ INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD MOON WATCHTOWER Chip is sitting with the Justice Squad: Capeman, Ultrawoman, Nightflyer, Blue Fairy, Captain Spaz and The Colossal Chunk. Jesse and Jonathan are also there, but they're not in costume. They're slouching in their chairs and wearing large movie star sunglasses. Jesse has a cigarette dangling out of his mouth and Jonathan is asleep. CHIP If there was one group on the Liam Smith Show that signified "family". That group would be the Justice Squad. We're talking with them right now. CAPEMAN Well, if we're family, then that would make Nightflyer the gay uncle no one ever talks about, right? NIGHTFLYER (Starts crying) You insensitive jerk! Nightflyer runs of in tears. CHIP Um… Okay… This kind of stuff happen a lot? ULTRAWOMAN Only when we're around Capeman. CAPTAIN SPAZ Ever since he joined, it's been one vicious prank after another. CHIP Pranks? So he pulls practical jokes on the set? BLUE FAIRY Constantly. Here, check these clips out… CUT TO: A scene from A Day In The Death Of Decoy" Nightflyer and Ultrawoman are talking. ULTRAWOMAN So he'd dead? NIGHTFLYER No... The chemicals and stuff bleached his skin white, turned his hair green, and drove him completely insane... But I have the feeling that he won't bother us anymore since he's locked up in the East Lee S. Capable Minimum Security Prison. ULTRAWOMAN And thank God for that. There is a hum behind them and Capeman appears in a beam of light and stuff. He's naked. ULTRAWOMAN Oh for God's sakes… Capeman!!! CAPEMAN (Smiling) Is it cold in here or is it just me? CUT TO: A scene from "Capeman and Decoy" Donner is sitting in front of a TV watching the Exorcist when the phone rings. DONNER Hello? INTERCUT BETWEEN DONNER and CAPEMAN CAPEMAN (Breathing heavily) What are you wearing? DONNER (Disgusted) Aw, Jesus! CAPEMAN! CUT TO: A scene from "Capeman: The Fury Of P.E.N.I.S." Capeman uses his heat vision, Ultrawoman uses lasers that shoot out of her fingers, and Blue Fairy blasts the asteriod with his magic wand. After a few tense seconds, the rock shatters. BLUE FAIRY We did it! CAPEMAN Indeed we did, Blue Fairy. You, Ultrawoman, and I make a good team. We'll have to do this again sometime. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a check to cash. Capeman slaps Ultrawoman on the ass as he leaves. CAPEMAN And don't worry baby! Your money's on the dresser! Capeman walks off. Ultrawoman rolls her eyes. CUT TO: A scene from "Crisis with Infinite Liams" Capeman and the Justice Squad fly down. Ultrawoman, Nightflyer, Blue Fairy, Colossal Chunk and Captain Spaz fly down into the melee, helping Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham. Capeman flys over to the Anti-Liam. He then bounces off a force field. CAPEMAN Aw, f**k this! I'm outta here! Capeman flies off. CUT TO: Chip with the Justice Squad. Capeman is laughing heartily at the clips. The other Justice Squad members have left except for Jesse and Jonathan. Jesse is drinking and Jon is still asleep. CAPEMAN Damn, I'm brilliant! CHIP Man… You ARE an asshole! CAPEMAN … Are you going somewhere with this? CHIP No. CAPEMAN So I take it we're not showing anymore of my hilarious outtakes? CHIP No. CAPEMAN Well, screw this! I could be guest starring on "Smallville" right now! Capeman walks off. Chip moves over to Jesse and Jonathan. CHIP Jesse… Jonathan… The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham… The Justice Squad's newest members… Jesse stares blankly at Chip. He then turns to Jonathan and smacks him. JESSE Dude! Wake up! He's talking to us. JONATHAN (Waking up) Shakira! Huh? Oh. It's our turn? JESSE Yeah. CHIP You both had an appearance in season one. Then you joined the cast in season 2 and you're regulars in season 3. How has your popularity affected you? JESSE & JONATHAN We're popular? JESSE That would explain the women's underwear I found in our place. Fans have been leaving it there… JONATHAN That's not from fans. Your mom left it when she was visiting me. JESSE (Laughing) Really? Did she pay you this time or did you work for donuts? JONATHAN Touche. CHIP Wow. You both act like you do on the show! JESSE We do that mainly for one reason. CHIP What is that? JONATHAN We're trying to crack each other up on screen. Check out these bits… CUT TO: A scene from "Death Is A Lady From VH-1" The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham introduce themselves to Capeman. COSMIC WEASEL I am the man of aluminum! The sentinel of the sideways! The scratch on evil's brand new CD! DR. WHAM And I am the… the… Crap… Cosmic Weasel leans in with a copy of the script and points to a page. COSMIC WEASEL Right there. Your lines… DR. WHAM (Laughing) Thanks. Was it tough to find that page? You being illiterate and all… A beat. COSMIC WEASEL Hooked on phonics worked for me! CUT TO: A scene from "The Nutty Professor" The room is empty as Jesse and Jonathan enter. JESSE We've been looking for treasure for hours and all we've found so far has been these silver booster chairs! He holds up a couple of bedpans. Jesse then looks into the bedpans. JESSE Hey! There's lemonade in here! Jesse buries his face in the bedpan as Jonathan and the crew moan in laughter. CUT TO: A scene from "Die Hardest" Jesse crumples up a receipt and throws it over his shoulder, it lands in Jonathan's hands. Jesse walks out the door. Wally and the henchman eat their pizza. Jonathan opens up the receipt and sees a note. He raises an eyebrow as he reads it. JONATHAN Dude, what's your mom's phone number doing on this paper? Jesse comes back in the apartment and takes the pizza away from Jonathan. JESSE You don't need this. The cast starts laughing. CUT TO: A scene from "Counter-Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow" Jesse and Jonathan are playing air hockey. JESSE … Hell, yo momma's a freak! I'd have been your daddy, but the line was too long! JONATHAN Well, yo momma's so easy the beeyotch gots kneepads sewn into alla her clothes! EVERYONE Ooh! JESSE Damn, when I was with you momma I was like "Man, you gots a huge vagina! Man, you gots a huge vagina!" And she was like, "Why'd you say it twice?" And I was all "I didn't." A pause. JESSE (Laughing) Because… there was the … echo. JONATHAN (Laughing) That was a good try. CUT TO: The Justice Squad HQ. Chip is still talking to Jesse and Jonathan. CHIP That was fantastic! And I hear you both have a surprise for us? JESSE Yeah. We have a unused scene from "Justice Squad: Apocalyptic Appetizer" JONATHAN It was our audition for the team. Enjoy. CUT TO: A scene from "Justice Squad: Apocalyptic Appetizer" Capeman and Ultrawoman are talking. ULTRAWOMAN Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham? CAPEMAN Yeah, that's them. You know 'em? ULTRAWOMAN I met them briefly when they applied for membership. RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO: An audition. The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham are sitting at a table across from the Justice Squad. Cos is staring at Ultrawoman's chest. ULTRAWOMAN So… Why do the two of you want to join the Justice Squad? COSMIC WEASEL (Still staring) Why? NIGHTFLYER Why. COSMIC WEASEL Why what? CAPTAIN SPAZ Why are you here? COSMIC WEASEL Where? BLUE FAIRY You're not going to tell us, are you? COSMIC WEASEL Tell you what? ULTRAWOMAN Never mind. DR. WHAM I heard we get free stuff for applying. Pay up. Ultrawoman sighs and tosses Cos a ring. ULTRAWOMAN There. It can hold your costume. Go away. COSMIC WEASEL So does this mean we're in? There's a pause. The Justice Squad starts laughing. CUT TO: Chip, still with Jesse and Jonathan. CHIP Now, boys... JESSE & JONATHAN Boys? CHIP It's no secret that you two were in line for your own spin-off... The Jesse Glaspey Show... Which was to have been the first spin off of The Liam Smith Show. JESSE True. CHIP Tell us about that. JESSE Politics. JONATHAN Politics mostly. JESSE That and they didn't want to give a sit-com to a black man. CHIP Well, we have a little treat for you. It's sceens from the uncompleted pilot of The Jesse Glaspey Show. JESSE Oh God... CHIP ROLL IT! CUT TO - JESSE and JOHNATHAN enter an apartment. JESSE Wow, Jon, can you really beleive we're out on our own? JONATHAN Yes, Jesse, I have the feeling that we're going to have some amazing... DIRECTOR CUT! JESSE Cut? What for? DIRECTOR Word just came from FOX. They're dropping you for "When Hale Berry Attacks". You're cancelled boys. The lights go out. CUT TO - Back to the interview. CHIP Wow. Before we go to commercial, we have some viewer mail for you both. "Dear Chip, we all know that Jesse and Jonathan are incredibly gay. So I was wondering exactly how many times do they have sex with each other every week? On average, of course." Chip freezes as he just realizes what he read. Jesse and Jonathan look visibly annoyed. JESSE Why does everyone think that??? JONATHAN Just because we're two 20 year old guys who have no girlfriends and live together and oh my god… Never mind… now I know. Well, to hell with this! This interview is over! And I'm taking this chair! Jonathan grabs the chair JESSE And I'll do you one better… Jesse picks up his chair and throws it at the wall. Jonathan follows suit and they start destroying the set. CHIP We'll be right back after this commercial break! A piece of the set collapses on Chip. -------- ---------------- ------------ COMMERCIAL BREAK The critics have seen The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham in "Journey To The Lost Hidden Dinosaur World Of Atlantean Amazon Gold!" and here's what they have to say… "A visual masterpiece!" --- Gene Shalit "Engaging and gripping!" --- Rex Reed "Simply hilarious!" --- Roger Ebert "A total thrill ride!" --- Jay Sherman "A future Oscar contender!" --- David Manning And what do the stars have to say about it? Let's ask them… (Jesse and Jonathan are sitting on a couch.) JESSE (Laughing) Don't see it! JONATHAN (Laughing) It sucks! The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham in "Journey To The Lost Hidden Dinosaur World Of Atlantean Amazon Gold!" COMING THIS SUMMER. ------- --------------- --------------- INT. HELL. Chip (who has a black eye now) is sitting next to the villains of the Liam Smith Show. Satan, Senestra Melevolous, Kathy Hilter, Scrappy Doo, Doogan Kessler, The Omega Nerds, The Tribunal of Evil and Megatron. CHIP Heroes are only as good as their villains. And that's no exception on the Liam Smith Show. I'm here with some of the more popular villains from the show. The main villain is Satan… Satan, how are you today? SATAN Super! Thanks. CHIP Satan… What's Hell really like? Break it down for those of us not condemned to a life of eternal torment. SATAN Well, at times it can suck… We have watered down drinks and all the lame movies. Our TV network here in Hell only shows reruns of Thirtysomething and Lexx… CHIP Any perks? SATAN Yes. We get ALL the cool bands on our radio... We've got Ozzy, Judas Priest, Sir Mix-a-lot, 2 Live Crew… Music rules in Hell! Chip looks at Senestra CHIP Senestra, you're dating Satan… What initially attracted you to the prince of lies? SENESTRA Well, some women would say it's his charm. Others would say it's his intelligence and sense of humor… CHIP And what does it for you? SENESTRA He's got a big (BLEEP) and lots of money. Everyone stares at Senestra. CHIP Wow. We have some viewer mail for you Senestra. "Do you ever get cold wearing that gear your always strutting around in? Can I have your phone number?" Senestra laughs then has a look of confusion. SENESTRA What gear? CHIP That vinyl outfit you've got on. SENESTRA This isn't vinyl, it's paint. The Alpha Nerd falls out of his seat. ALPHA NERD (Convulsing) Agh! UNGH! CHIP (Taking a sip of coffee) Here's another one for the both of you… "Senestra… Satan… you're both bad asses. You're unspeakably evil by yourselves and together you're a force to be . So why are you hanging out with Scrappy Doo and Kathy Hilter?" SCRAPPY & KATHY HEY! SATAN We hang out with them for one reason. Kathy is good for 3-ways and Scrappy is short enough to film all kinds of angles. Chip spits out his coffee. SATAN I'm just kidding! CHIP Oh… Ha ha… Tribunals… We have a question for you… TRIBUNALS Yes? CHIP One viewer writes in "What is the f'ing deal with you guys talking in order? TRIBUNAL 1 Well, Chip… Tribunals are basically a committee that judges something… TRIBUNAL 2 … Committees have rules… TRIBUNAL 3 … Rules that help us judge… TRIBUNAL 4 … Speaking in order is one of those rules… TRIBUNAL 5 … So we don't interrupt one another while we judge! CHIP Ah… So how do you know what the next person is going to say? TRIBUNALS Mind altering drugs. CHIP Okay! That explains… some… stuff…Megatron! We have some viewer mail for you. "Dear Megatron, do you think that crappy cartoon Beast Wars took anything away from you performance on the cartoon? MEGATRON Well, actually now that you mention it… ALPHA NERD Wait! Wait! Wait! Chip, you asked it all wrong! You're supposed to ask "If he thought being beaten by a monkey was humiliating as opposed to getting beaten in the original cartoon! Ask the questions the way they were written! CHIP Wait… you sent in viewer mail? BETA NERD Of course we did! We have tons of questions we want to ask Megatron! CHIP Um, that's not really fair to the viewers… ALPHA NERD Screw them! I want to know why Megatron didn't just step on that little bastard Spike? Would have saved you guys a lot of problems. MEGATRON Would you little assholes leave me alone? You think playing a giant robot that turns into a gun is easy? I haven't gotten a role since the cartoon! I had to do pornos to make money!!! DOOGAN Anyone have any questions for me? EVERYONE NO! CHIP I do. Can you stop licking yourself? Doogan rolls his eyes and lowers his leg. VOICE I have a question! CHIP Who's that? The person steps out of the darkness, It's the Anti-Liam. ANTI-LIAM Why wasn't I invited to this interview? CHIP Oh… Sorry. I guess there must have been some kind of scheduling problem. ANTI-LIAM Scheduling problem? I was in THREE episodes this season! ALPHA NERD So were we! ANTI-LIAM Shut up! Half of these villains suck! I should be getting the interview, not these mindless bimbos! KATHY & SENESTRA HEY! ANTI-LIAM Not you! I was talking about the wolf guy and the nerds! DOOGAN Screw you! ANTI-LIAM No Screw YOU! Anti-Liam throws a punch and decks Doogan. Doogan crashes into Scrappy's chair, Scrappy flies into The Beta Nerd knocking him over. A huge brawl between villains starts up. MEGATRON (Crying) Stop the fighting! Stop the fighting!!! A flying chair comes toward the camera and knocks it out. CUT TO: A cartoony picture of Donner in a straight jacket being dragged away by two men in white suits is shown with the words "We'll be right back" underneath. VOICE-OVER We'll be right back! Enjoy these bloopers! CUT TO: A scene from "The Dash For Cash" Arturo hands her his computer disk. ARTURO On that disk is the access code to over one million dollars of Microsoft stock. Take it and get out of here, you uppity bitch! Kathy stares in shock. ARTURO (pauses) Well? KATHY Can I get a hug first? Arturo hugs Kathy. KATHY Wanna go f**k? ARTURO Sure. Let's go. They walk off, everyone starts laughing. CUT TO: A scene from "Just Doo It" Daphnie opens the glove compartment and SCRAPPY DOO tumbles into her lap. SCRAPPY Hi guys! Everyone in the van moans. SHAGGY (rolls eyes) Oh, great... it's Scrappy. SCRAPPY Man! It was dark in that glove compartment! It was just like that weekend I spent with Richard Gere! The Scooby gang moan and crack up. CUT TO: A scene from "The Determinator" Musical sting. DETERMINATOR Zat zing hanging in-between your legs? MEGATRON (sighs) Yes, that thing in-between my legs. Wait! Not that thing in-between my legs. Did that get out again? Megatron's free hand disappears out of shot, and a zipping sound is heard. Megatron then makes an uncomfortable looking face. MEGATRON AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! DETERMINATOR VE GOT A BLEEDER!!! Several Autobot medics rush on screen and help Megatron to a chair. He places an icepack on his nuts. CUT TO: A scene from "Crisis With Ininite Liams" The Anti-Liam is working on the sliding device when the group comes out. Anti-Liam turns and notices them. ANTI-LIAM Hey! Glad you made it! Anti-Liam pulls out a gun and the clip falls out ANTI-LIAM S**t! Anti-Liam runs off screen. CUT TO: A scene from "The Manchurian Werewolf" Doogan clicks to the next slide. An upside-down picture of Upda Creek Apartments appears. DOOGAN This is Mr. Coffey's domicile, we think that... He sees that the picture is upside-down. He clicks to another picture, it's of Doogan in a speedo posing with another werewolf. DOOGAN Damn photomat assholes! The hooded man and woman start snickering. CUT TO: A scene from "The Puppy Episode" Senestra and Satan are talking. SATAN I'm glad you agree. So, are you in? SENESTRA I'm in. Satan goes to shake her hand, but instead Senestra grabs him and the two fall behind the desk. Shreds of clothing fly into the air. We hear grunts and moans. SATAN (From behind the desk) Ahhhh…. Mommy? Senestra starts laughing loudly from behind the desk. SENESTRA Done already? CUT TO: A scene from "Significant Shrinkage" The Alpha and Beta nerd are standing in Kari's hotel room. They haven't started the scene yet but the camera is going. BETA NERD Jesus Christ, how do you keep talking me into this crap? ALPHA NERD Excuse me, "Daredevil" But I thought you could use some gigs that required you to take a gamble… BETA NERD Hey, last time I checked, your gambles weren't so good. Remember "Rounders"? ALPHA NERD Ha ha. Keep it up and I'll "Pearl Harbor" your ass. And by that I don't mean I'll make a long drawn out three hour shlock-fest that no one wants to watch! BETA NERD Whatever. Are we going to do this or not? ALPHA NERD Okay. Let's do this! The Alpha and Beta Nerd high five each other. OMEGA NERDS (Making angry faces) Lion face! RARR! (Making sad faces) Lemon face! AWW! (Making angry faces) Lion face! RARR! (Making sad faces) Lemon face! AWW! The Beta Nerd notices the camera. BETA NERD Hey, is that thing on? ALPHA NERD Aw…. Sh- The camera goes off. ------- -------------- --------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK Coming soon from DonCo records! THE BEST OF THE LIAM SMITH SHOW SONG PARODIES All your favorite song parodies on one album! "My Way" "Smooth Criminal!" "The Monkees!" "Fat Lip!" "Follow Me!" "Bye Bye Bye" "Jack of All Trades!" And Snoop Dogg performing his remix of "The Jeffersons"! Now that's what I call a parody!" ------- ----------------- ------------------ INT. LIAMS PLACE. Chip is sitting on Liam's chair. CHIP Over the past three years, we've met our share of friends. But there have also been losses as well. We've seen many people die on this show. Let's take a look back on them… "Memories" starts to play as footage of ALL the people to ever die on the Liam Smith show is shown. The words RIP are shown under each person: Ginger Spice, Don King, The Amazing Rando, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Fluffy the Hamster, Kenny Rogers, The Backstreet Boys, Liam's Subconcious, The Snobby Art Dealer, James Bond, Prince, Doctor Yes, Ken Starr, Jugs A'Plenty, Tickle Me Wanda, The Bum, Two Elves, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Wayne Newton, Joel Shumacher, Scrappy Doo, Doctor Killemall, Colin Mallory, Decoys 1-27+, Count Dracula, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Gary Glitter, Slater and Zack from "Saved by the Bell", Sarah MacLachlan, Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Melissa Etheridge, The Dixie Chicks, Natalie Merchant, Paula Cole, Fiona Apple, Natalie Imbruglia, The Indigo Girls, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Whitney Houston, Brandy, Diana Ross, Jenna Janeson, Mister Hilter, King Mole, Pat Buchanan, Adolf Hitler, Mallory from "Sliders", Jesse Camp, Bruce Willis, Slobadan Milosovich, Rupert Murdoch, Sophie Dahl, Kate Moss, Capprice, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Elle McPherson, Harry the Handyman, Many Oompa Loompas, Russell Crowe, Meg Ryan, Charlie O'Connell, Eminem, The Guy Who Plays Londo on Babylon 5, Jasmine, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Carson Daly, Elvis, Seska, Mage Cullah, Humuhumunukunukuapuaa Man, The Liam's Gate Cult, Saddam Hussien, Frosty the Snowman, The Head Elf, Mysterious Figure, Wally Pimento, Drake Daniels, Old Liam, Incubus We cut back to Chip. CHIP Well, we here at the Liam Smith Show would like to thank you for joini- VOICE (Off Screen) WAIT ONE COTTON F**KING MINUTE! Chip stops. Triumph walks on. TRIUMPH You call this a tribute show? Please! I've seen bigger tributes in my own poop! I'm here to correct a grievous error! I'm going to show the people the REAL dirt on what makes the show what it is! CHIP The REAL dirt? TRIUMPH Yes, Chippie! The real dirt. Come with me! Chip and the cameraman follow Triumph to a darkly lit corridor. There's a door at the end of the hallway. INT. DARKLY LIT CORRIDOR CHIP What's on the other side of this door, Triumph? TRIUMPH Behind this door is a sick, twisted group… so perverse that no man dares mention them! CHIP You don't mean… TRIUMPH YES! This room holds the WRITERS!!! INT. THE WRITERS ROOM. TRIUMPH AND CHIP BARGE INTO A ROOM WHERE A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE SIT HUDDLED BY THEIR COMPUTERS. JASON GASTON STANDS UP. JASON What the hell? You guys can't be in here! TRIUMPH Yet we are. Relax, kid! Sit back and go back to living vicariously through your show! I kid, I kid… Triumph looks around and sees Chef and Art by a huge bong. TRIUMPH Hey! You two! Lay off the pipe or pass it around for god's sakes! Chef and Art look at Triumph and look at the bong. CHEF (Coughs) Man, this is good stuff! TRIUMPH Whatever you two do… keep the bong away from her! Triumph gestures to Renee Bell. She grabs a flask of vodka and starts drinking away. TRIUMPH (To Chip) The last thing we need is another "Red And The Whack"! But I kid… David Hopper gets in Triumph's way. DAVID Excuse me, but you can't just barge in and insult us like this! TRIUMPH Sure I can! But what's with you and all the exposition? Seriously, I haven't seen that much yapping since I had a three-way with the Taco Bell Chihuahua! Doug Bruzzone sits up DOUG David is right! TRIUMPH Who are you? DOUG Touche! Doug sits back down. TRIUMPH (Looking around) Now where's the other one? Ah! There he is! Triumph and Chip walk over to a dark corner. They see a man in a diaper, beating a cat against a wall and sitting in front of a typewriter. CHIP Oh god! It's horrible! TRIUMPH Yes, we're too late to save this poor bastard… He's too far gone! The man is revealed to be Jesse Glaspey. JESSE (Beating the cat against the wall and drooling.) Darrrrrhhhh…. I got it! "Atomic Divas!" Garrrrggghhh! I'm da biggestest smart guy ever! Triumph pulls out a gun. TRIUMPH (Hands it to Chip) You know what must be done! Chip takes the gun and aims it at Jesse, then… BANG! FADE OUT FADE IN INT. LIAM'S PLACE Liam and all the cast members (heroes AND villains) and the crew and the writers are standing together. Jesse steps forward. JESSE I just want everyone here to know how honored I was to work with this cast and write for this show. Thanks and god bless you all! See you on Justice Squad! Jesse and the cast take a bow. FADE OUT ROLL CREDITS JESSE Now when do I get my f**king check?